Hello, and thank you for taking your time to read my work. I will be updating this thread as I go along, but first, let me explain a few things.
When I was 15, I wrote a book in Dutch. This book featured a character that I later featured in many short stories, and has in my mind underwent several changes, and now I'm finally writing out her "origin story", so to say. I am doing this for a multitude of reasons, and a big one is simple: I need to prove myself I can do this. I have long fought with depression, and this is one of the ways I hope to get out of it.
Also, English is not my first language. Everything I've written so far has been in Dutch. I am moving to an English-speaking country though, and hope to attract an audience with my writing. This however also means that my writing style might not suit well for English.
Therefore, I wish to ask of anyone reading this to please comment on this. Tell me if you found it easy or hard to read. Tell me if you find it engaging to read, if it pulls you in or not. Tell me what's wrong with it. I need criticism. Thank you in advance.
Now please, enjoy the first part of my story, detailing the fall of a royal family, and the rise of a hero.
"There she is...I think she's still alive!" "Get that rubble off of her!" "I'm trying, I need a hand here." "Hang on, here...ooof, it's too heavy, we'll need more help." Various voices franatically shouting for help and support. Some cries of pain heard in between. That was the cacaphony I woke up to. I could barely feel my legs. Couldn't move them, either. With half a castle seemingly collapsed on them, that was no surprise to me. My eyes fluttered open, I saw the legs and arms of those trying to pull me out of the rubble. Behind that, one of my siblings. I could not tell if he was still alive or not, but he was covered in blood. I tried turning my head, but I could not muster the strength. "Her eyes are open, she really is alive!" "She is? Oh thank heavens, please, let me..." "No, Cauri, please, stand back. You're in no condition yourself. "I know, but I just want to help." "Be there for your siblings when they recover, that will help more right now."
My sister's voice among those of the men who were trying to free me told me at least one of my siblings had survived. I could not see her, for I was unable to even move my head, but the thought reassured me and with it in mind, I closed my eyes, falling back into a pained slumber. "No, don't you die on us now!" Frantic screams, but answering them was impossible. I needed to gather my strength again.
The next time I woke up, I found myself laying in a bed. I could not recognize the room I was in, but now I was able to carefully turn my head, and see where I was. Light was shining from outside, and there were other beds. Only two others were occupied, four were empty. I managed to look down at myself. My clothes had been changed for a robe, hiding bandages wrapped around my legs, my left arm and parts of my torso. Seeing blood staining those bandages, I felt a wave of nausea rushing over me, almost causing me to pass out again. After taking a few deep breaths I had managed to regain myself a bit, vowing to not look down, at least for a bit. I turned my head further and there, slumped over in a chair, I saw my younger sister, Cauri. The one familiar voice I had heard while I was being rescued. She seemed to be asleep, so I tried to call out to her. "Cauri...Cauri...are you awake?" My voice sounded weak, almost broken, but it was loud enough to make her lift her head, and within moments a faint smile appeared on her face. "Oh gods...Mephala, you're awake." She rose from her chair and walked over, standing next to my bed, one hand touching one of mine. She did not dare to hug me, fearing she might hurt me with the kind gesture. "I am so happy to see you awake." Yet a tear was flowing from her eye. Things were horribly wrong, and what I already feared, I tried to confirm with her. "You seem...sad though..." I tried rising my hand, wanting to hold hers, but I felt too weak. "Six of us are dead...you, Jasper and Gemma are all who survived, and..." She looked towards the two other occupied beds. "You are the only one who woke up. We have lost so much..." She was the one to squeeze my hand now. I valued the gesture. It let me know that she was there for me, and she cared. But her words told me everything I had already feared.
The next few days were a blur to me. Three days after I woke up, the inevitable happened. Jasper and Gemma both passed away from their wounds as well, leaving only Cauri and me. We were once part of a proud royal family, and now, almost everything was gone...and despite what happened, the only word that could have described what happened was victory. We had won, but at a terrible cost. After the cremations of my brothers and sisters, which I could barely attend due to my own wounds healing only slowly, I thought back at what had led to that fateful day.
Our family was proud. Before I was born, my parents had become the leader of an elven tribe, which settled in a sizeable peninsula, called Rathir. This was named after our family name; Rathyria. During the early days of their reign, contact was made with another race of beings. Humans. They were strange to us elves. Such short lifespans, but so much talent. In mere years, they mastered what took us ages. They had a kind of affinity for magic that we elves could never match. Our lifespan however did mean we were able to refine our talents more. Human mages always made a show of raw power, whereas elven mages wielded magic like a fine art.
This difference was showcased in other aspects as well. Human-built structures were sturdy, sure, but also considered ugly, whereas elven structures took long to build, but were breathtaking arts of work. This had led to the belief that elves and humans would be better off living seperated from one another, at least, this was initially the belief of my parents. But humans came to Rathir to trade, and eventually some settled, and some of them had skills useful to the elven nobles of Rathir. And so, humanity started to settle amongst the elves. This happened all around the world around the same time, curiously enough.
In the years that followed, tensions grew, yet my parents had remained oblivious. The nobility surpressed any form of rebellion, and humanity lived as second-rate people. My siblings and I lived in a bubble though, unaware of their plight. No human dared approach us, and each of us went our own way. Our eldest sibling, Gemma, was the first in line to take the throne anyway, so all the others focussed on developing other skills, while Gemma was trained in the ways of royalty. I studied the art of manipulating the earth to do my bidding, having found out my skills with it were above average, for an elf. I could not conjure up rocks or fissures like humans could, but I was able to move the very ground in ways one could hardly imagine. At the same time, I studied at the library, reading all about history, developing a taste for exploration, something I wished to do in the future.
Cauri, in the meantime, proved to be a capable enchantress. Able to make people see things that were not there, or obscure things from vision. She also indulged herself much more in the good life of the nobility - parties, feasts and other get-togethers involving drinks, merriment and music. We were rather different, and one could hardly tell were were siblings. This was even more true when looking at us. I had always been thin, with a slim figure, long legs and arms, and wild frazzled black hair that always refused to stay down when brushing it. Coupled with me dressing in simple leather and cloth outfits, and I looked more like a huntress than anything else. Cauri, on the other hand, had always been a curvy beauty. She wasn't as tall as me, but she always wore high heeled shoes, flowing glittering dresses emphasizing her figure, jewels matching said dress, and her hair...I never quite understood how she got it so perfectly. We were opposites in so many ways, so we rarely talked once we reached adulthood.
And yet, fate drove us together. One fateful evening, we were in the capitol library along with three of our other siblings, each of us students of magic, each a different school. We were exchanging notes, when a robed figure approached our table. Humans never approached us, they didn't dare to, but this time...things were different. The hood of the robe was pulled back, and at this point, we were all at attention. A young woman revealed herself. She looked beautiful, a sweet face framed with silken smooth black flowing hair, with emerald green eyes. "Excuse me...I know this is highly inappropriate of me to ask, but could I please beg you for a moment of your time?" She asked us. We exchanged glances, and Cauri was the first to speak up. "Well...alright, have a seat, and tell me what is so important that you must speak to us, and not to one of the captains of the guard, or a castle clerk." The woman managed a smile and pulled a chair over, apologizing again before she began. "I really do apologize for disturbing you, but I really must tell you this in person, for I fear that if I do not, you will never hear this..."
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My Commander decks:
Chandra, Torch of Defiance - Oops! All Chandras.
Prime Speaker Zegana - Draw for Power.
Pir & Toothy - Counterpalooza.
Arcades, the Strategist - Another Brick in the Wall.
Zacama, Primal Calamity - Calamity of Double Mana.
Edgar Markov - Vampires Don't Die.
Child of Alara - Dreamcrusher.
Not a bad beginning. You have my curiosity and that is what is important.
My first critique is that some general formatting would go a long way. I'm not a grammar police person, but the lack of it here simply makes it hard to read. For a rough draft, I wouldn't worry about making it perfect. However, some general structure would be greatly appreciated.
For the language thing, I think you are doing quite well especially considering English is not your first language. I think you are being too worried about your language barrier. The writing so far is good. I'd worry less about the language thing and simply focus on your story. Besides, that is what editing and rewriting is for. Nothing is supposed to be perfect the first time. Many of my writing adventures need many rewrites and editing. It is a process.
Otherwise, I look forward to what you have to write.
Thank you for the comment. I see what you mean, I'll try to add a bit more structure to the paragraphs, hopefully it will make it more readable.
The thing I have with my language barrier mostly pertains to trying to convey the right feelings and such through words. That's what I'm hoping to achieve. Again, thank you very much for your comment.
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My Commander decks:
Chandra, Torch of Defiance - Oops! All Chandras.
Prime Speaker Zegana - Draw for Power.
Pir & Toothy - Counterpalooza.
Arcades, the Strategist - Another Brick in the Wall.
Zacama, Primal Calamity - Calamity of Double Mana.
Edgar Markov - Vampires Don't Die.
Child of Alara - Dreamcrusher.
Second part. I hope it's easier to read. It's still mostly buildup, I hope it draws one's attention well enough.
She introduced herself as Ravira, a mage in training, who worked at a workshop owned by her parents. She said it was a good life, but she was running into troubles. She did not wish to demonstrate so in the library, but she assured us that her skill with magic was something that startled herself, almost as much as it did others.
As a result, people had grown nervous around her, and while in her youth she thought it was simple bullying, it had now started to grow into full-out intimidation. She was told to keep her head low, to avoid ambition.
Mostly nobles had told her so, the elvish nobility seemed to fear her. Understandable, as she represented that which our race as a whole feared; the growing power of humanity.
But, she said, it didn't just stop at her. She had kept her eyes and ears open more often after the first initial threats, and quickly found that she was far from the only human who was being intimidated into keeping her head down.
Any ambitious human was quickly put into their place. Sometimes simply by a few words, but other times, she said, it was done by a mob. Usually hired by the nobles, low-brow elves banding together to mess up whoever got the nobility's eye.
It was Cauri who spoke up first, asking why we did not know about this. Ravira answered by telling us that there was normally no way to contact us, nor our parents. She had tried a few times but always got turned away by the palace guards, and she had used a distraction to be able to approach us in the library to begin with.
She didn't ask us to directly do anything, knowing that it'd be hard on us to believe. She simply asked that we'd look around to see for ourselves. That was all she wanted, and I told her that I would be sure to keep my eyes open. My siblings did the same. She seemed statisfied with our answer, but I could see in her eyes that she really was not. She did not think we would be able to keep our word. Still, she thanked us for hearing us out and left us, putting her cloak back up and walked out of the library.
In the weeks that followed, I kept an eye open whenever I ventured downtown, but soon enough I realized that it simply didn't work that way. I was not going to see the actual intimidation itself, and I feared that if I were to approach people on my own accord and tried to talk to them, they'd go quiet out of fear of retalliation of others.
That did not mean I saw nothing at all. Mere days after Ravira had approached us, I saw a plume of smoke rising above the rooftops. I made my way to it's source and found the workshop she had told us belonged to her parents ablaze. Fortunately, it seemed nobody was hurt...physically, at least, as I saw Ravira and her parents crying in anger and despair, their whole life in flames.
What scared me more though was the display of magic that poured from Ravira's angered and pained form. Bolts of lightning seemed to flare around her, accompanied by gusts of wind. The ground rumbled under her legs, and anyone who tried to approach her quickly changed her mind as the magic seemed to lash out at anyone close enough. I could see why people feared her, as it was clear she was not in control. Who knew what she could do when she had a clear mind.
I felt ashamed of myself, but I too backed off. True, I was a mage as well, but I could hardly even approach the power of the spells she showcased, let alone withstand her wild energy. I also kept quiet about the incident, which in hindsight I wished I had not.
Later on, I learned that she was taken in by one of the head mages of the college she studied at, who now provided for her family. I occasionally visited the college myself to hone my own skills, but never got to speak to her, as she seemed to avoid me. The few times we made eye contact she quickly looked away. I could not understand why, but didn't press the issue as that seemed like it would have been counterproductive.
During the years that followed, tensions started to rise. Finally, my parents seemed to become aware of what was going on. Yet they failed to see the reason behind it, as they merely believed humans were stirring up troubles in order to make a grab for power themselves. Even as me and my siblings told them what we had heard, they dismissed it as blatant lies. To their credit, they did implement a few laws that should have made it easier for humans to earn and retain higher positions amongst nobility, but it was too little, too late.
What we all failed to realize was that humans were becoming a majority. And they were getting more organized by the day. They started to realize that they might have much more power than they ever realized, and the nobility's tactics to keep them divided did not work anymore.
Perhaps we should have seen it coming. But even with Ravira's warning, which came to us as a plea, we were too far away from the people to see the more subtle warning signs. But eventually, the day came, when the humans fully organized and struck.
It was almost akin to a war. The humans gathered at the main city square, led by various mages and soldiers, armed with gear they had looted from their employers. Seeing the crowd, most of the nobility fled the city and tried to seek refuge in the palace, which is where the royal guard was to defend us.
I myself had perched myself on one of the castle parapets, giving me a good view of the city and the mob-turned-army travelling through it towards us. The palace was built on slightly higher terrain, but it had no moat or other defensive measures aside from the walls surrounding it.
As the mob approached I was shocked to see it was being led by Ravira. She had looked so frail just a few years prior, but now she was full of confidence. And as soon as the first clash with the royal guard started, I realized why; they were no match for her spells. She unleashed flames, fanned by winds previously unfelt, with an intensity nobody had ever seen before. The earth opened below several unlucky soldiers, swallowing them up, and lightning struck our mages before they could even begin casting their own spells. It was a complete rout.
Seeing this I rushed back inside, realizing there was no way we were going to hold out. We were outnumbered, and they were led by a mage more powerful than any we had ever seen. This was the message I conveyed to my parents, and they finally seemed to realize.
Mere minutes later, the palace gates were knocked down, and Ravira was first to march inside, followed by her army. As she saw that those left inside - my family and a handful of elite guards - did not have their weapons ready, she raised a hand, halting her army, and stepped forwards.
"Surrender. Surrender yourselves, and you shall all live without any further harm. Please, do not resist, I wish not for further bloodshed." She spoke, her voice calm, unbefitting of one who just effortlessly cut a path through a small army. My parents exchanged a look, and it was my father who spoke.
"Name your terms for our surrender." Ravira nodded, stepping further forwards, getting almost within reaching distance. "You will relinquish the crown to me, and swear loyalty to me. You will be allowed to live within the castle, as you have always done. But the reign of elvenkind is over."
"And if we refuse?" He asked, staring straight back into the human's eyes.
"I can take it by force. I do not wish to do such. For despite the faults you have made, you still know the country better than I do. I wish that you and your wife act as my advisors, along with some of my own personal advisors." She said, nodding back to her family.
I looked from Ravira back to my parents, a gesture shared by most of my siblings. We were ready to accept those terms, we just didn't know if our proud parents would. The answer came from our mother.
She stepped forwards, breaking away from us, and beconed my father over to do the same. He understood the gesture and stepped forwards as well. Some of the humans became nervous at this, reaching for their weapons, but without looking, Ravira gestured for them to hold.
Almost at the exact same moment, my parents took off their crowns, and they held them out towards Ravira. She nodded, reaching out and taking both crowns in her hands and taking a step back. "Your surrender is accepted. We will speak about what will happen in the future soon."
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My Commander decks:
Chandra, Torch of Defiance - Oops! All Chandras.
Prime Speaker Zegana - Draw for Power.
Pir & Toothy - Counterpalooza.
Arcades, the Strategist - Another Brick in the Wall.
Zacama, Primal Calamity - Calamity of Double Mana.
Edgar Markov - Vampires Don't Die.
Child of Alara - Dreamcrusher.
As a person writing my own story as well, I like where this is going. Interesting to think that Elves have to live for a longer period of time for their magics to become as powerful as human's. That seems like a good restriction to me, making the magic element a little more real.
Questions that came to mind for me:
What are the costs of using the Magic for humans? Is it limited in any way or are they just infinitely more powerful than elves?
Elvish Magic clearly takes time to develop in strength, otherwise the Elves would have just pushed back against the humans when they were blasting through the gates. So why didn't they? There seemed to be no Magic at all by the Elvish people. Is it because they were overwhelmed to quickly?
So this seems to be a class and racial story, where the plot seems driven by those differences between humans and elves. Why did the humans merge with the elves in the first place anyways?
You condense a lot of time in just a few paragraphs. How did our main character grow during that time? She is unusually gifted in moving earth but we don't see anything at all, really, of her powers. Is there some time lapse or other test for her to become a powerful mage?
In terms of grammar and structure, I think you have a pretty good grasp on it.
Well done, comrade. Fighting depression always begins by pro-activity. You have produced some good stuff here and you can definitely keep going with it, so carry on. Darkness has a way of falling away from the glow that comes from self-accomplishment. My wife and I have both experienced depression, so if you need someone to reach out to through words just PM me.
Peace!
EDIT: My above questions could very well be answered within the body of your story, so don't sweat it. They are simply additional angles to consider if you haven't already.
As a person writing my own story as well, I like where this is going. Interesting to think that Elves have to live for a longer period of time for their magics to become as powerful as human's. That seems like a good restriction to me, making the magic element a little more real.
Questions that came to mind for me:
What are the costs of using the Magic for humans? Is it limited in any way or are they just infinitely more powerful than elves?
Elvish Magic clearly takes time to develop in strength, otherwise the Elves would have just pushed back against the humans when they were blasting through the gates. So why didn't they? There seemed to be no Magic at all by the Elvish people. Is it because they were overwhelmed to quickly?
So this seems to be a class and racial story, where the plot seems driven by those differences between humans and elves. Why did the humans merge with the elves in the first place anyways?
You condense a lot of time in just a few paragraphs. How did our main character grow during that time? She is unusually gifted in moving earth but we don't see anything at all, really, of her powers. Is there some time lapse or other test for her to become a powerful mage?
In terms of grammar and structure, I think you have a pretty good grasp on it.
Well done, comrade. Fighting depression always begins by pro-activity. You have produced some good stuff here and you can definitely keep going with it, so carry on. Darkness has a way of falling away from the glow that comes from self-accomplishment. My wife and I have both experienced depression, so if you need someone to reach out to through words just PM me.
Peace!
EDIT: My above questions could very well be answered within the body of your story, so don't sweat it. They are simply additional angles to consider if you haven't already.
Thank you for your comment. I aim to have the next part out shortly, RL got in the way a bit.
There isn't a real cost of magic other than fatigue. Use it too fast, you get fatigued. That said there are certain limits to how powerful one can be. Ravira, as noted, is an exceptional case. I think to compare it to popular culture, a truly powerful mage would be on par with a Skyrim mage - capable of dealing decent pain, but far from a death machine. In addition, I suppose the best way to clear up the difference between elves and humans is that humans pick it up faster, they simply are more limited by their age.
In this specific case, the elves were also outnumbered and far less organized. There was a castle guard, sure, but when led by a mage whose powers are beyond anything ever seen before and sheer numbers, that doesn't do much. Ravira is THAT powerful, and the reasons get explained in the upcoming chapter(s).
Humans and Elves started to coexist simply out of convenience. This story takes place in the era in which this was a rather new phenonemon, and later on other locales will be seen where the integration went in different ways.
I should have clarified Mephala (And Cauri's) age better. They're both what among humans would be late teens-early twenties. They're adults, but well, slower growth. She didn't progress much in the timespan given, and her abilities as well as Cauri's will be more expanded upon.
This is, in essence, an "origin story" of a character who has lived in my head for ages. As such, perhaps some parts may seem a bit disjointed, as you've pointed out. I hope I can knit it all together.
Thank you very much for your positive words. I want you to know I really appreciate it, it means a lot to me. Thank you.
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My Commander decks:
Chandra, Torch of Defiance - Oops! All Chandras.
Prime Speaker Zegana - Draw for Power.
Pir & Toothy - Counterpalooza.
Arcades, the Strategist - Another Brick in the Wall.
Zacama, Primal Calamity - Calamity of Double Mana.
Edgar Markov - Vampires Don't Die.
Child of Alara - Dreamcrusher.
Finally, the next part. Flu's kicking my arse. But here it is. Again, please comment. Please criticise. And please tell me what you think of the story so far, thank you.
She kept true to her word. In the next few days, arrangements were made for a personal staff of humans accompanying her to move into the castle. We had to share our chambers with each other to make room, but even so, they were large enough to accomodate all of us. Ravira spoke with us about how to go forwards, and she appointed my parents as high advisors next to her personal staff.
My siblings and me were allowed to take some time to decide what to do. We'd never take the throne, she told us, but we could choose to start pursue our own life outside of the castle, or enter her employ in any fashion we'd be capable of.
I ended up spending a night just talking with her. She wanted to know more about our personal history, and how we elves came to settle the peninsula. It spoke of genuine interest, and I got a good image of her as well during this night. She did not have a royal upbringing nor the kind of education we had recieved, and as such she chose her words carefully. Occasionally her voice sounded shaky, betraying she wasn't entirely comfortable in her role as queen just yet.
It made sense, of course. She told me that after her parents' workshop was burnt down, she was contacted by others who had suffered similar injustices. They had seen her outburst, and realized the power she wielded. How she got to be so powerful, she did not wish to say, but she told me that they realized she'd make a great figurehead, backed by her power, few would dare to stand against her.
In addition, she was the only one who had been brave enough to actually take their grievances to us. This, the others had reasoned, had made her perfect for such a position. It showed a kind of bravery that had mostly been absent among the others, and having her lead the others had helped them in finally putting the revolt in motion.
In the days that followed, I chose to mostly stick to the library, writing an account about what had happened in the prior days. It also allowed me to keep tabs on what happened around the castle. It felt weird with all these new people living within the walls, having humans other than servants walk among us as equals or even higher as us.
But I felt something else as well. There were tensions brewing, in no small part due to the fact that most of the nobles who had sought refuge among us during the incursion were still living in the castle. Ravira had promised them safety, but it was clear that both she and the others did not trust the nobles one bit. This was clearly a mutual feeling, too.
It didn't take long until the first incident happened. A nobleman was found in the hallways of the castle, stabbed in the stomach. He was barely alive and rushed to the nursery. While he survived, the damage was done, the nobles went to protest to Ravira about the lack of protection. Her response was simple. "If you don't like it, leave. I won't stop you from going back to your houses in the city. I have no obligation to protect you, as you never protected us either."
Perhaps it was not the most diplomatic choice, but I could understand her response. My parents, however, voiced their concern. The nobles were not safe in the city. Most of the guard had been replaced with humans, and we had heard reports of homes being looted after they had fled to us. Ravira acknowledged this, but also stated that they had brought it upon themselves, and at this point, things were up to them.
It did not go over well. Fights became more common and while there were no deaths within the walls just yet, the nobles did take this as their final cue to leave. They blamed my family for failing to protect them, but what could we have done, I often wondered. We were outnumbered, and despite her reassurances, Ravira had let it known that should we raise arms against her or those she trusted, she'd strike back, and we all saw what she was capable of.
Soon enough the first reports of public lynchings came to the castle. We looked at Ravira for a response, as none of my family dared to go into the city ourselves. Perhaps it was cowardice. We just knew we wouldn't return if we did so. And at first, Ravira's response seemed to be the right call. She sent out guards to protect the houses of the nobles. But soon after, she started to strip them from their titles. Her reasoning was simple; as they did no longer hold the power, they should stop calling themselves nobility, and live on equal footing with those they had opressed for so long. And as such, she started to revoke the protection.
Again, my parents spoke out. As long as Ravira could not guarantee the protection of those who lived under her rule, they reasoned, how could she consider herself any better? After all, while perhaps the rights of humans were mostly an afterthought, they were safe under their rule. Ravira did agree to this, but it was clear that she had no intention of any further protection.
Ravira's surpressed anger became more visible by the day. I occasionally saw her training on focussing her magic in the courtyard. Her magic seemed to become wilder by the day, and while she trained on regaining focus, she seemed to lose it. She seemed stressed, she slept poorly and her conversations with her advisors, human and elf alike, became shorter and more one-sided every day.
She also started to filter out those she deemed to be toxic to her mind. She had realized that she couldn't rule with so many voices speaking into her mind as to what needed to be done. Initially, this manifested by her sending away a few of her human advisors and telling me and my siblings that she did not wish to recieve our advise anymore, restricting herself to just two other humans and our parents. But soon after, she started to have some of her old advisors arrested and jailed.
This also happened to the nobles who had survived the lynchings and did not flee the country. They were jailed and sentenced to incredibly long prison times, for the crime of opposing the queen combined with their past crimes. To my parents, this proved to be the last straw. They confronted Ravira, telling her that she was turning into a tyrant. This meeting happened behind closed doors, but their raised voices were heard throughout the castle.
It was the last time we would ever hear them.
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My Commander decks:
Chandra, Torch of Defiance - Oops! All Chandras.
Prime Speaker Zegana - Draw for Power.
Pir & Toothy - Counterpalooza.
Arcades, the Strategist - Another Brick in the Wall.
Zacama, Primal Calamity - Calamity of Double Mana.
Edgar Markov - Vampires Don't Die.
Child of Alara - Dreamcrusher.
Good stuff. Keep it coming. I think you have the right amount of buildup for this segment. There's a good slide of Ravira and I'm interested to see where our new despot will be headed. Murder and totalitarianism are always a savory combination in fantasy novels.
As mentioned previously, it seems that these segments comprise the bulk of a singular chapter, almost like a prologue. You hit the high points of the previous situation with enough detail to capture the reader yet it covers a large chunk of time, almost 10+ years from what I gather. Your grammar is pretty good, and being from America you have some interesting spellings, but that's unimportant. The story idea is great, and I hope you build up into something more powerful soon!
Again, thank you for the comments, and sorry for not responding earlier. After reading this part, could you be so kind as to tell me which of my word choices are weird, from a native English speaker's point of view? It'd be much appreciated.
"As the gods take the bodies of our previous King and Queen, may we remember that while they were not perfect, they were benevolent rulers. They had done what they believed to be best for Rathir and in doing so, they turned this piece of land into a thriving community. Yet they forgot to move into the future, and were blind to the new truths. They were unable to adjust and even after they surrendered the crown, continued to oppose and scheme against the new order, which has proven to be their untimely downfall. Let this serve as a reminder that those who do not adjust will meet the same fate, but for now, let us grant peace to their souls, and a safe passage to the afterlife."
As Ravira stepped down from the platform where she held her speech, most of us didn't dare to look at her. It was Cauri who stepped towards her first. "I would want to say thank you for your speech...but you had to put a threat in it. Why...why can't you allow us our grief after you..." "It was not a threat, Cauri. It was a promise. I was going to give you leniency but if this is how things are...you and your brothers and sisters have three days to pack your belongings and leave the castle." It was clear that Cauri wanted to say something, but all it took was one angry glare from Ravira to cut her off. Had she not been in mourning, perhaps Cauri would have pressed the issue.
We relocated to one of the mansions left by the chased off nobility. We couldn't leave Rathir, it was what we knew our whole lives, though some of us - myself included - started to think about taking up a life of travel. Several weeks we lived in relative peace, despite most of the city avoiding us, not wanting to associate with us. We thought it was out of some form of anger, we didn't recognize fear. Yet once again, it was a human approaching us that would prove to be a change in fate.
He knocked on our door late at night, with most of the city guard having retired already. It ensured he wasn't seen by them, as approaching us was generally met with negative responses, given our status. We recognized him as one of Ravira's discharged advisors, so naturally we weren't too happy to see him at first. Yet he told us that more and more humans started to realize that while their position may have appeared to be better, the truth was that Ravira was turning into what they had hated for so long. He asked us to keep our minds open for the city, to keep watch, as more and more people were defecting from their old savior.
Ravira started to show her true colors not too long after. A small group of citizen had went to the castle to talk to her about their feelings of oppression. They came out in chains, and were led to the city's central square. Announcers went through the streets, calling for as many people as possible to witness what was about to happen. Me and my siblings went as well, standing at the edges of the city.
The queen herself wasn't present. Several of her remaining high guard were though, and they carried out the sentence. They declared that anyone who would stand against the queen would be considered a traitor to the crown, and there was only one punishment. Before everyone present registered what happened, the alleged traitors were hung, their bodies left on display for everyone to see.
Not that they remained there for long. Every day, it seemed, new bodies would dangle from the ropes, each of them with a sign slung across their neck, simply reading 'Traitor'. It did not take long before the man who warned us that something was happening was among the faces we recognized on the gallows. We realized something had to be done, but we did not know what. Ravira had shown her might to us...what could we possibly hope to do?
We spent several days and nights trying to come up with a strategy. We wanted to round up as many people to rally behind us as possible, in the hopes of being able to dethrone Ravira that way. But there were several issues with that plan. Most notably, it seemed that anyone who spoke to us, aside from shopkeeps selling us food and provisions, ended up on the gallows. It made us wonder why we were not attacked yet, but time was running short, this much we knew.
From that point on we stuck together. Never losing sight of one another, out of fear of one of us getting grabbed by the guards and brought to the gallows for crimes unknown. But we could not get help. Whatever we would do, we had to do on our own.
It was Cauri who finally came up with a plan. She had been oddly silent during our conversations, and she finally showed us why. She was perfecting an illusion...one she fooled all of her siblings with. It seemed as if she was sitting with us while in reality, she herself was sitting several feet away. She explained to us that it was merely a trick played on the eye, and thus she could not speak lest she broke the illusion, but she had been able to make it move believably enough.
With that knowledge in mind, she set up a plan. Much like me, she had observed Ravira's magic training and her skill when she led the uprising against our parents. She had seen that Ravira needed a bit of time to conjure up her spells, much like how I myself needed time to pull up the earth to do my bidding. She explained that she could hide us in an illusion, so we could each prepare our own spells and attacks while approaching Ravira. The problem, however, would be that the more people were around, the more chances there were someone might see through the illusion. Cauri had to focus on whoever was witnessing the illusion for it to work.
This meant we had to take a more proactive approach. During the night, we started to approach city guards, trying to figure out who were unhappy with the situation at the castle as well. Turned out, there were quite a lot. But none dared to do anything because of how volatile Ravira had become - we heard stories of her almost killing her chef after she got sick, figuring he had tried to poison her. Other guards who openly tried to criticize her decisions got fired...or dragged off to the dungeons.
We managed to work out a night at which most of the guards present would allow us to enter unhindered. They warned us that things might get dangerous, and Ravira would be liable to just incinerate us if we tried anything, but we had to try, for our country and for our parents. And so, once night fell, we moved to the castle. Gemma, our diplomatically inclined sister in front, hoping that she might be able to talk Ravira down. Behind her, me and seven of my siblings, ready to charge our spells and prepare our weapons as per our own expertises. Cauri would be behind us, masking our motions with her illusions. It was to become a night that went down in history.
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My Commander decks:
Chandra, Torch of Defiance - Oops! All Chandras.
Prime Speaker Zegana - Draw for Power.
Pir & Toothy - Counterpalooza.
Arcades, the Strategist - Another Brick in the Wall.
Zacama, Primal Calamity - Calamity of Double Mana.
Edgar Markov - Vampires Don't Die.
Child of Alara - Dreamcrusher.
Ooo. What's gonna happen. Ravira is now going paranoid and the way of all black mages. I still feel like this is a prologue story, so far, so I feel like I'm anticipating the meat and potatoes of your story. The fact that this narration occurs in the past tense supports that. Your English seems to be on point and the grammar is good as well, so you're doing great there.
I trust you'll deliver a suitable ending for this scene that you've created. As your reader, I have a lot of questions in my head that I'm hoping you'll answer. The mos timportant one, of course, is are the good guys gonna win with their stealth mode to depose/talk to Ravira? The other one is why is Ravira becoming a despotic tyrant? Did she make a deal with demons? What is her end game?
I think you do a good job of describing the scene, by the way. I have a good feel for where everything is and the way things look in my head.
Yeah, this is a prologue, it all builds up to the moment the story started with - Mephala getting pulled from the rubble. Ravira's "end game" will be revealed soon enough as well. I'll be getting the next chapter up before too long, I hope.
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My Commander decks:
Chandra, Torch of Defiance - Oops! All Chandras.
Prime Speaker Zegana - Draw for Power.
Pir & Toothy - Counterpalooza.
Arcades, the Strategist - Another Brick in the Wall.
Zacama, Primal Calamity - Calamity of Double Mana.
Edgar Markov - Vampires Don't Die.
Child of Alara - Dreamcrusher.
Finally the next part. I had a hard time figuring out how best to describe the positioning of Mephala, Cauri and their brothers and sisters in this scene. I hope it's all clear.
We walked into the castle, unhindred by any guards. Only the night guards were still around, and even then, we managed to make sure that those who were present were on our side. They didn't dare to stand against Ravira, and I could not blame them. All they did was stand aside, watching us as we walked towards the study, where we were supposed to find Ravira.
And so we did. She was hunched over an old tome, reading, when Gemma opened the door. She was not concealed by Cauri's illusions, and thus she was the only one who could actually interact with our surroundings. Cauri closed the ranks, and by the time we had all passed through the door, Ravira had gotten up, having closed the tome and staring at us. "So...you are with them as well." She said, her voice sounding angry, yet controlled. "All of you...all the same...everyone wants the throne...want me dead..."
Her words made no sense to me at the time. I wanted to speak up, but was reminded that Gemma was to speak for us, as any unexpected movement from any of us could break Cauri's illusion. We had to focus on charging our spells and drawing our weapons. Slowly, carefully, while Gemma would distract Ravira with her speech.
"No...Ravira, we only wish to speak. On behalf of the people, and of our parents, may they rest in peace." Gemma spoke, her voice calm as could be. "Speak...right...I have no reason to trust you. Why would I trust anyone? Do you have any idea how many daggers people have tried to stick in my back? How many went against me? I have been lenient with you, but perhaps I should have sentenced you..." "To the gallows?" Gemma interrupted. "We are not against you Ravira."
"Then if you aren't, why are you here?"
"We understand that your desires for Rathir are well-meaning...but you have changed. When we met you, you were full of ideals. Look at what has become of you, leadership has taken it's toll."
"Nonsense." Ravira spat out. "I feel better and stronger than ever. I have weeded out almost everyone who wished to take my throne."
"That is your first mistake." Gemma stated. "It is not your throne, it is the throne of the people of Rathir. You are on it because they believed you to be most suitable. And we..."
"I AM the most suitable." She balled her fist, cinders dropping from it to the ground.
"Yes...please Ravira, you are suitable, but the stress of ruling has gone to your head. You need help, and we offer it."
Ravira scoffed, taking a step closer. "And make me into your puppet, I am sure. Just like my old advisors tried." With every word she spoke, her voice became harsher.
Gemma took a step back as Ravira approached her. Her confident visage clearly dropping as she felt intimidated by the powerful human. "No...we just wish to stop all the death that your rule is bringing."
"It is not my rule, it is them trying to..." She suddenly stopped and glared at us, behind Gemma. "What...was that?"
The next few moments were a blur. The cinders sparking from her fist turned into a giant ball of fire and she launched a punch past Gemma, striking Jasper in the chest. He had drawn his swords, but he had moved just too fast - the sound of his sword leaving its sheath had been picked up by Ravira. "Traitors!" She roared, flame and lightning engulfing her. Jasper had been knocked out cold, having landed against a bookshelf, and Gemma tried to run away as fast as she could. Ravira let out another roar, and I did all I could - I made the floor shoot up, trying to put a shield between us and Ravira's full might.
And it all went dark after that.
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My Commander decks:
Chandra, Torch of Defiance - Oops! All Chandras.
Prime Speaker Zegana - Draw for Power.
Pir & Toothy - Counterpalooza.
Arcades, the Strategist - Another Brick in the Wall.
Zacama, Primal Calamity - Calamity of Double Mana.
Edgar Markov - Vampires Don't Die.
Child of Alara - Dreamcrusher.
Since I'm following this thread pretty closely, I'll keep commenting away. Let me know if my comments/critiques are on overload.
Ok, so this is the moment that caused the beginning rubble and death at the very beginning of the thread. I'm left with a feeling of anti-climax, honestly, but that's for you as the writer to determine. I am fully aware that there usually is no such thing as a perfectly executed plan nor am I naive enough to know that the elvish siblings would have had a grand an epic fight with Ravira. If you would like to keep the fight scene as is, I respect that. I think adding more detail to the confrontation will make it more impactful and satisfying as a reader. That's mostly my opinion.
Ok, so Mephala is able to raise up the foundation of the castle to create a wall to block Ravira's fireball. Sweet. She clearly has a ton of power to move the earth and do some catastrophic damage. So, why hasn't she done this from afar? Prior to confronting Ravira? If elves need more time to gather magic around them to cast their spells, they've had plenty of time in my mind to do so and have Mephala collapse the castle from afar before. This is a detail to consider as it doesn't make a whole lot of sense for them to confront a human who is massively more powerful than they are when they could have deposed her much earlier. Maybe the time element required to gather mana kept getting disrupted due to Ravira's constant harassing of the populace and so they needed to reach an agreement with the guards to allow them time to gather their Magic and focus and those same guards helped them get in, or something.
Keep the faith! Know that I respect your writing and you have a good potential here. The world is coming more alive to me the more I read and for 2000 or so words that you have, it's pretty good so far. I'm engaged as a reader to see where you go.
What is this tome that Ravira was reading? I'm curious now as a reader, since I'm betting that Ravira started going crazy after she acquired this tome and started reading the ancient secrets contained therein. Bring it on, Necronomicon!
A lot of your questions happen to be answered in the next few chapters, so in the interest of not spoiling things ahead of time, I cannot answer everything. However, I can answer about Mephala's power.
She's not as strong as you scale her in to be. She can only work with the ground directly around her, and even then she cannot conjure anything up nor make something disappear. Her spell caused a shift in earth. But it alone isn't nearly enough for the castle to just collapse - Ravira's own attack plus various spells from her siblings combined for a chaotic effect. This will get more elaborated upon in the next chapter - perhaps this was not the best point to cut.
Also, they wished to avoid any casualties. They did not know how many people would be at the castle nor would they be able to pinpoint Ravira's location from afar. Even if they had the power to just collapse the castle, the aftermath would've been painful for everyone involved. Their plan hinged on the possibility of a diplomatic solution, and in case that would fail, the attack would be launched. They didn't know how far mentally gone Ravira was.
I hope it makes a bit more sense with that in mind. I do hope that the next chapters explain the rest of your questions to you. Again, thank you for your comments, as ever
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My Commander decks:
Chandra, Torch of Defiance - Oops! All Chandras.
Prime Speaker Zegana - Draw for Power.
Pir & Toothy - Counterpalooza.
Arcades, the Strategist - Another Brick in the Wall.
Zacama, Primal Calamity - Calamity of Double Mana.
Edgar Markov - Vampires Don't Die.
Child of Alara - Dreamcrusher.
Fair enough about not revealing plot points. I get it, heh.
I was kind of assuming that Mephala had that kind of restriction, but it's good to hear that confirmed. I think having your characters talk about that restriction in dialogue as preparation for their diplomatic mission would be a good way to describe why they haven't deposed Ravira already. Also, explaining how everyone would need to be careful in using their Magic as an explanation of the potential chaos and increased power level of spells would again be useful. The magic system, while relevant and integrated well into the world, isn't very well explained methinks.
Han Solo has the greatest solution for diplomatic solutions: kill 'em dead! Haha. Fair enough. The elves want to be good people and afford her a chance of redemption. I can appreciate that. I look forward to reading the rest of what ya got.
Yeah, I think once the full "prologue" set is finished, I'll edit in a bit more expositionary dialogue. The magic system in my mind has a fair bit of restrictions, with Ravira being the only one known to have broken said restrictions (hence her power). And yes, how she did that will eventually be explained as well. Thank you for pointing out that that wasn't as clear yet.
Private Mod Note
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My Commander decks:
Chandra, Torch of Defiance - Oops! All Chandras.
Prime Speaker Zegana - Draw for Power.
Pir & Toothy - Counterpalooza.
Arcades, the Strategist - Another Brick in the Wall.
Zacama, Primal Calamity - Calamity of Double Mana.
Edgar Markov - Vampires Don't Die.
Child of Alara - Dreamcrusher.
When I was 15, I wrote a book in Dutch. This book featured a character that I later featured in many short stories, and has in my mind underwent several changes, and now I'm finally writing out her "origin story", so to say. I am doing this for a multitude of reasons, and a big one is simple: I need to prove myself I can do this. I have long fought with depression, and this is one of the ways I hope to get out of it.
Also, English is not my first language. Everything I've written so far has been in Dutch. I am moving to an English-speaking country though, and hope to attract an audience with my writing. This however also means that my writing style might not suit well for English.
Therefore, I wish to ask of anyone reading this to please comment on this. Tell me if you found it easy or hard to read. Tell me if you find it engaging to read, if it pulls you in or not. Tell me what's wrong with it. I need criticism. Thank you in advance.
Now please, enjoy the first part of my story, detailing the fall of a royal family, and the rise of a hero.
"There she is...I think she's still alive!" "Get that rubble off of her!" "I'm trying, I need a hand here." "Hang on, here...ooof, it's too heavy, we'll need more help." Various voices franatically shouting for help and support. Some cries of pain heard in between. That was the cacaphony I woke up to. I could barely feel my legs. Couldn't move them, either. With half a castle seemingly collapsed on them, that was no surprise to me. My eyes fluttered open, I saw the legs and arms of those trying to pull me out of the rubble. Behind that, one of my siblings. I could not tell if he was still alive or not, but he was covered in blood. I tried turning my head, but I could not muster the strength. "Her eyes are open, she really is alive!" "She is? Oh thank heavens, please, let me..." "No, Cauri, please, stand back. You're in no condition yourself. "I know, but I just want to help." "Be there for your siblings when they recover, that will help more right now."
My sister's voice among those of the men who were trying to free me told me at least one of my siblings had survived. I could not see her, for I was unable to even move my head, but the thought reassured me and with it in mind, I closed my eyes, falling back into a pained slumber. "No, don't you die on us now!" Frantic screams, but answering them was impossible. I needed to gather my strength again.
The next time I woke up, I found myself laying in a bed. I could not recognize the room I was in, but now I was able to carefully turn my head, and see where I was. Light was shining from outside, and there were other beds. Only two others were occupied, four were empty. I managed to look down at myself. My clothes had been changed for a robe, hiding bandages wrapped around my legs, my left arm and parts of my torso. Seeing blood staining those bandages, I felt a wave of nausea rushing over me, almost causing me to pass out again. After taking a few deep breaths I had managed to regain myself a bit, vowing to not look down, at least for a bit. I turned my head further and there, slumped over in a chair, I saw my younger sister, Cauri. The one familiar voice I had heard while I was being rescued. She seemed to be asleep, so I tried to call out to her. "Cauri...Cauri...are you awake?" My voice sounded weak, almost broken, but it was loud enough to make her lift her head, and within moments a faint smile appeared on her face. "Oh gods...Mephala, you're awake." She rose from her chair and walked over, standing next to my bed, one hand touching one of mine. She did not dare to hug me, fearing she might hurt me with the kind gesture. "I am so happy to see you awake." Yet a tear was flowing from her eye. Things were horribly wrong, and what I already feared, I tried to confirm with her. "You seem...sad though..." I tried rising my hand, wanting to hold hers, but I felt too weak. "Six of us are dead...you, Jasper and Gemma are all who survived, and..." She looked towards the two other occupied beds. "You are the only one who woke up. We have lost so much..." She was the one to squeeze my hand now. I valued the gesture. It let me know that she was there for me, and she cared. But her words told me everything I had already feared.
The next few days were a blur to me. Three days after I woke up, the inevitable happened. Jasper and Gemma both passed away from their wounds as well, leaving only Cauri and me. We were once part of a proud royal family, and now, almost everything was gone...and despite what happened, the only word that could have described what happened was victory. We had won, but at a terrible cost. After the cremations of my brothers and sisters, which I could barely attend due to my own wounds healing only slowly, I thought back at what had led to that fateful day.
Our family was proud. Before I was born, my parents had become the leader of an elven tribe, which settled in a sizeable peninsula, called Rathir. This was named after our family name; Rathyria. During the early days of their reign, contact was made with another race of beings. Humans. They were strange to us elves. Such short lifespans, but so much talent. In mere years, they mastered what took us ages. They had a kind of affinity for magic that we elves could never match. Our lifespan however did mean we were able to refine our talents more. Human mages always made a show of raw power, whereas elven mages wielded magic like a fine art.
This difference was showcased in other aspects as well. Human-built structures were sturdy, sure, but also considered ugly, whereas elven structures took long to build, but were breathtaking arts of work. This had led to the belief that elves and humans would be better off living seperated from one another, at least, this was initially the belief of my parents. But humans came to Rathir to trade, and eventually some settled, and some of them had skills useful to the elven nobles of Rathir. And so, humanity started to settle amongst the elves. This happened all around the world around the same time, curiously enough.
In the years that followed, tensions grew, yet my parents had remained oblivious. The nobility surpressed any form of rebellion, and humanity lived as second-rate people. My siblings and I lived in a bubble though, unaware of their plight. No human dared approach us, and each of us went our own way. Our eldest sibling, Gemma, was the first in line to take the throne anyway, so all the others focussed on developing other skills, while Gemma was trained in the ways of royalty. I studied the art of manipulating the earth to do my bidding, having found out my skills with it were above average, for an elf. I could not conjure up rocks or fissures like humans could, but I was able to move the very ground in ways one could hardly imagine. At the same time, I studied at the library, reading all about history, developing a taste for exploration, something I wished to do in the future.
Cauri, in the meantime, proved to be a capable enchantress. Able to make people see things that were not there, or obscure things from vision. She also indulged herself much more in the good life of the nobility - parties, feasts and other get-togethers involving drinks, merriment and music. We were rather different, and one could hardly tell were were siblings. This was even more true when looking at us. I had always been thin, with a slim figure, long legs and arms, and wild frazzled black hair that always refused to stay down when brushing it. Coupled with me dressing in simple leather and cloth outfits, and I looked more like a huntress than anything else. Cauri, on the other hand, had always been a curvy beauty. She wasn't as tall as me, but she always wore high heeled shoes, flowing glittering dresses emphasizing her figure, jewels matching said dress, and her hair...I never quite understood how she got it so perfectly. We were opposites in so many ways, so we rarely talked once we reached adulthood.
And yet, fate drove us together. One fateful evening, we were in the capitol library along with three of our other siblings, each of us students of magic, each a different school. We were exchanging notes, when a robed figure approached our table. Humans never approached us, they didn't dare to, but this time...things were different. The hood of the robe was pulled back, and at this point, we were all at attention. A young woman revealed herself. She looked beautiful, a sweet face framed with silken smooth black flowing hair, with emerald green eyes. "Excuse me...I know this is highly inappropriate of me to ask, but could I please beg you for a moment of your time?" She asked us. We exchanged glances, and Cauri was the first to speak up. "Well...alright, have a seat, and tell me what is so important that you must speak to us, and not to one of the captains of the guard, or a castle clerk." The woman managed a smile and pulled a chair over, apologizing again before she began. "I really do apologize for disturbing you, but I really must tell you this in person, for I fear that if I do not, you will never hear this..."
Chandra, Torch of Defiance - Oops! All Chandras.
Prime Speaker Zegana - Draw for Power.
Pir & Toothy - Counterpalooza.
Arcades, the Strategist - Another Brick in the Wall.
Zacama, Primal Calamity - Calamity of Double Mana.
Edgar Markov - Vampires Don't Die.
Child of Alara - Dreamcrusher.
My first critique is that some general formatting would go a long way. I'm not a grammar police person, but the lack of it here simply makes it hard to read. For a rough draft, I wouldn't worry about making it perfect. However, some general structure would be greatly appreciated.
For the language thing, I think you are doing quite well especially considering English is not your first language. I think you are being too worried about your language barrier. The writing so far is good. I'd worry less about the language thing and simply focus on your story. Besides, that is what editing and rewriting is for. Nothing is supposed to be perfect the first time. Many of my writing adventures need many rewrites and editing. It is a process.
Otherwise, I look forward to what you have to write.
The thing I have with my language barrier mostly pertains to trying to convey the right feelings and such through words. That's what I'm hoping to achieve. Again, thank you very much for your comment.
Chandra, Torch of Defiance - Oops! All Chandras.
Prime Speaker Zegana - Draw for Power.
Pir & Toothy - Counterpalooza.
Arcades, the Strategist - Another Brick in the Wall.
Zacama, Primal Calamity - Calamity of Double Mana.
Edgar Markov - Vampires Don't Die.
Child of Alara - Dreamcrusher.
She introduced herself as Ravira, a mage in training, who worked at a workshop owned by her parents. She said it was a good life, but she was running into troubles. She did not wish to demonstrate so in the library, but she assured us that her skill with magic was something that startled herself, almost as much as it did others.
As a result, people had grown nervous around her, and while in her youth she thought it was simple bullying, it had now started to grow into full-out intimidation. She was told to keep her head low, to avoid ambition.
Mostly nobles had told her so, the elvish nobility seemed to fear her. Understandable, as she represented that which our race as a whole feared; the growing power of humanity.
But, she said, it didn't just stop at her. She had kept her eyes and ears open more often after the first initial threats, and quickly found that she was far from the only human who was being intimidated into keeping her head down.
Any ambitious human was quickly put into their place. Sometimes simply by a few words, but other times, she said, it was done by a mob. Usually hired by the nobles, low-brow elves banding together to mess up whoever got the nobility's eye.
It was Cauri who spoke up first, asking why we did not know about this. Ravira answered by telling us that there was normally no way to contact us, nor our parents. She had tried a few times but always got turned away by the palace guards, and she had used a distraction to be able to approach us in the library to begin with.
She didn't ask us to directly do anything, knowing that it'd be hard on us to believe. She simply asked that we'd look around to see for ourselves. That was all she wanted, and I told her that I would be sure to keep my eyes open. My siblings did the same. She seemed statisfied with our answer, but I could see in her eyes that she really was not. She did not think we would be able to keep our word. Still, she thanked us for hearing us out and left us, putting her cloak back up and walked out of the library.
In the weeks that followed, I kept an eye open whenever I ventured downtown, but soon enough I realized that it simply didn't work that way. I was not going to see the actual intimidation itself, and I feared that if I were to approach people on my own accord and tried to talk to them, they'd go quiet out of fear of retalliation of others.
That did not mean I saw nothing at all. Mere days after Ravira had approached us, I saw a plume of smoke rising above the rooftops. I made my way to it's source and found the workshop she had told us belonged to her parents ablaze. Fortunately, it seemed nobody was hurt...physically, at least, as I saw Ravira and her parents crying in anger and despair, their whole life in flames.
What scared me more though was the display of magic that poured from Ravira's angered and pained form. Bolts of lightning seemed to flare around her, accompanied by gusts of wind. The ground rumbled under her legs, and anyone who tried to approach her quickly changed her mind as the magic seemed to lash out at anyone close enough. I could see why people feared her, as it was clear she was not in control. Who knew what she could do when she had a clear mind.
I felt ashamed of myself, but I too backed off. True, I was a mage as well, but I could hardly even approach the power of the spells she showcased, let alone withstand her wild energy. I also kept quiet about the incident, which in hindsight I wished I had not.
Later on, I learned that she was taken in by one of the head mages of the college she studied at, who now provided for her family. I occasionally visited the college myself to hone my own skills, but never got to speak to her, as she seemed to avoid me. The few times we made eye contact she quickly looked away. I could not understand why, but didn't press the issue as that seemed like it would have been counterproductive.
During the years that followed, tensions started to rise. Finally, my parents seemed to become aware of what was going on. Yet they failed to see the reason behind it, as they merely believed humans were stirring up troubles in order to make a grab for power themselves. Even as me and my siblings told them what we had heard, they dismissed it as blatant lies. To their credit, they did implement a few laws that should have made it easier for humans to earn and retain higher positions amongst nobility, but it was too little, too late.
What we all failed to realize was that humans were becoming a majority. And they were getting more organized by the day. They started to realize that they might have much more power than they ever realized, and the nobility's tactics to keep them divided did not work anymore.
Perhaps we should have seen it coming. But even with Ravira's warning, which came to us as a plea, we were too far away from the people to see the more subtle warning signs. But eventually, the day came, when the humans fully organized and struck.
It was almost akin to a war. The humans gathered at the main city square, led by various mages and soldiers, armed with gear they had looted from their employers. Seeing the crowd, most of the nobility fled the city and tried to seek refuge in the palace, which is where the royal guard was to defend us.
I myself had perched myself on one of the castle parapets, giving me a good view of the city and the mob-turned-army travelling through it towards us. The palace was built on slightly higher terrain, but it had no moat or other defensive measures aside from the walls surrounding it.
As the mob approached I was shocked to see it was being led by Ravira. She had looked so frail just a few years prior, but now she was full of confidence. And as soon as the first clash with the royal guard started, I realized why; they were no match for her spells. She unleashed flames, fanned by winds previously unfelt, with an intensity nobody had ever seen before. The earth opened below several unlucky soldiers, swallowing them up, and lightning struck our mages before they could even begin casting their own spells. It was a complete rout.
Seeing this I rushed back inside, realizing there was no way we were going to hold out. We were outnumbered, and they were led by a mage more powerful than any we had ever seen. This was the message I conveyed to my parents, and they finally seemed to realize.
Mere minutes later, the palace gates were knocked down, and Ravira was first to march inside, followed by her army. As she saw that those left inside - my family and a handful of elite guards - did not have their weapons ready, she raised a hand, halting her army, and stepped forwards.
"Surrender. Surrender yourselves, and you shall all live without any further harm. Please, do not resist, I wish not for further bloodshed." She spoke, her voice calm, unbefitting of one who just effortlessly cut a path through a small army. My parents exchanged a look, and it was my father who spoke.
"Name your terms for our surrender." Ravira nodded, stepping further forwards, getting almost within reaching distance. "You will relinquish the crown to me, and swear loyalty to me. You will be allowed to live within the castle, as you have always done. But the reign of elvenkind is over."
"And if we refuse?" He asked, staring straight back into the human's eyes.
"I can take it by force. I do not wish to do such. For despite the faults you have made, you still know the country better than I do. I wish that you and your wife act as my advisors, along with some of my own personal advisors." She said, nodding back to her family.
I looked from Ravira back to my parents, a gesture shared by most of my siblings. We were ready to accept those terms, we just didn't know if our proud parents would. The answer came from our mother.
She stepped forwards, breaking away from us, and beconed my father over to do the same. He understood the gesture and stepped forwards as well. Some of the humans became nervous at this, reaching for their weapons, but without looking, Ravira gestured for them to hold.
Almost at the exact same moment, my parents took off their crowns, and they held them out towards Ravira. She nodded, reaching out and taking both crowns in her hands and taking a step back. "Your surrender is accepted. We will speak about what will happen in the future soon."
Chandra, Torch of Defiance - Oops! All Chandras.
Prime Speaker Zegana - Draw for Power.
Pir & Toothy - Counterpalooza.
Arcades, the Strategist - Another Brick in the Wall.
Zacama, Primal Calamity - Calamity of Double Mana.
Edgar Markov - Vampires Don't Die.
Child of Alara - Dreamcrusher.
Questions that came to mind for me:
What are the costs of using the Magic for humans? Is it limited in any way or are they just infinitely more powerful than elves?
Elvish Magic clearly takes time to develop in strength, otherwise the Elves would have just pushed back against the humans when they were blasting through the gates. So why didn't they? There seemed to be no Magic at all by the Elvish people. Is it because they were overwhelmed to quickly?
So this seems to be a class and racial story, where the plot seems driven by those differences between humans and elves. Why did the humans merge with the elves in the first place anyways?
You condense a lot of time in just a few paragraphs. How did our main character grow during that time? She is unusually gifted in moving earth but we don't see anything at all, really, of her powers. Is there some time lapse or other test for her to become a powerful mage?
In terms of grammar and structure, I think you have a pretty good grasp on it.
Well done, comrade. Fighting depression always begins by pro-activity. You have produced some good stuff here and you can definitely keep going with it, so carry on. Darkness has a way of falling away from the glow that comes from self-accomplishment. My wife and I have both experienced depression, so if you need someone to reach out to through words just PM me.
Peace!
EDIT: My above questions could very well be answered within the body of your story, so don't sweat it. They are simply additional angles to consider if you haven't already.
UB Dralnu, Lich Lord
RBW [Primer]-Kaalia of the Vast
BUG [Primer]-Tasigur, the Golden Fang
GWU [Primer]-Arcades, the Strategist
WUB Primer-Aminatou, the Fateshifter
UBR Nicol Bolas, the Ravager
Thank you for your comment. I aim to have the next part out shortly, RL got in the way a bit.
There isn't a real cost of magic other than fatigue. Use it too fast, you get fatigued. That said there are certain limits to how powerful one can be. Ravira, as noted, is an exceptional case. I think to compare it to popular culture, a truly powerful mage would be on par with a Skyrim mage - capable of dealing decent pain, but far from a death machine. In addition, I suppose the best way to clear up the difference between elves and humans is that humans pick it up faster, they simply are more limited by their age.
In this specific case, the elves were also outnumbered and far less organized. There was a castle guard, sure, but when led by a mage whose powers are beyond anything ever seen before and sheer numbers, that doesn't do much. Ravira is THAT powerful, and the reasons get explained in the upcoming chapter(s).
Humans and Elves started to coexist simply out of convenience. This story takes place in the era in which this was a rather new phenonemon, and later on other locales will be seen where the integration went in different ways.
I should have clarified Mephala (And Cauri's) age better. They're both what among humans would be late teens-early twenties. They're adults, but well, slower growth. She didn't progress much in the timespan given, and her abilities as well as Cauri's will be more expanded upon.
This is, in essence, an "origin story" of a character who has lived in my head for ages. As such, perhaps some parts may seem a bit disjointed, as you've pointed out. I hope I can knit it all together.
Thank you very much for your positive words. I want you to know I really appreciate it, it means a lot to me. Thank you.
Chandra, Torch of Defiance - Oops! All Chandras.
Prime Speaker Zegana - Draw for Power.
Pir & Toothy - Counterpalooza.
Arcades, the Strategist - Another Brick in the Wall.
Zacama, Primal Calamity - Calamity of Double Mana.
Edgar Markov - Vampires Don't Die.
Child of Alara - Dreamcrusher.
She kept true to her word. In the next few days, arrangements were made for a personal staff of humans accompanying her to move into the castle. We had to share our chambers with each other to make room, but even so, they were large enough to accomodate all of us. Ravira spoke with us about how to go forwards, and she appointed my parents as high advisors next to her personal staff.
My siblings and me were allowed to take some time to decide what to do. We'd never take the throne, she told us, but we could choose to start pursue our own life outside of the castle, or enter her employ in any fashion we'd be capable of.
I ended up spending a night just talking with her. She wanted to know more about our personal history, and how we elves came to settle the peninsula. It spoke of genuine interest, and I got a good image of her as well during this night. She did not have a royal upbringing nor the kind of education we had recieved, and as such she chose her words carefully. Occasionally her voice sounded shaky, betraying she wasn't entirely comfortable in her role as queen just yet.
It made sense, of course. She told me that after her parents' workshop was burnt down, she was contacted by others who had suffered similar injustices. They had seen her outburst, and realized the power she wielded. How she got to be so powerful, she did not wish to say, but she told me that they realized she'd make a great figurehead, backed by her power, few would dare to stand against her.
In addition, she was the only one who had been brave enough to actually take their grievances to us. This, the others had reasoned, had made her perfect for such a position. It showed a kind of bravery that had mostly been absent among the others, and having her lead the others had helped them in finally putting the revolt in motion.
In the days that followed, I chose to mostly stick to the library, writing an account about what had happened in the prior days. It also allowed me to keep tabs on what happened around the castle. It felt weird with all these new people living within the walls, having humans other than servants walk among us as equals or even higher as us.
But I felt something else as well. There were tensions brewing, in no small part due to the fact that most of the nobles who had sought refuge among us during the incursion were still living in the castle. Ravira had promised them safety, but it was clear that both she and the others did not trust the nobles one bit. This was clearly a mutual feeling, too.
It didn't take long until the first incident happened. A nobleman was found in the hallways of the castle, stabbed in the stomach. He was barely alive and rushed to the nursery. While he survived, the damage was done, the nobles went to protest to Ravira about the lack of protection. Her response was simple. "If you don't like it, leave. I won't stop you from going back to your houses in the city. I have no obligation to protect you, as you never protected us either."
Perhaps it was not the most diplomatic choice, but I could understand her response. My parents, however, voiced their concern. The nobles were not safe in the city. Most of the guard had been replaced with humans, and we had heard reports of homes being looted after they had fled to us. Ravira acknowledged this, but also stated that they had brought it upon themselves, and at this point, things were up to them.
It did not go over well. Fights became more common and while there were no deaths within the walls just yet, the nobles did take this as their final cue to leave. They blamed my family for failing to protect them, but what could we have done, I often wondered. We were outnumbered, and despite her reassurances, Ravira had let it known that should we raise arms against her or those she trusted, she'd strike back, and we all saw what she was capable of.
Soon enough the first reports of public lynchings came to the castle. We looked at Ravira for a response, as none of my family dared to go into the city ourselves. Perhaps it was cowardice. We just knew we wouldn't return if we did so. And at first, Ravira's response seemed to be the right call. She sent out guards to protect the houses of the nobles. But soon after, she started to strip them from their titles. Her reasoning was simple; as they did no longer hold the power, they should stop calling themselves nobility, and live on equal footing with those they had opressed for so long. And as such, she started to revoke the protection.
Again, my parents spoke out. As long as Ravira could not guarantee the protection of those who lived under her rule, they reasoned, how could she consider herself any better? After all, while perhaps the rights of humans were mostly an afterthought, they were safe under their rule. Ravira did agree to this, but it was clear that she had no intention of any further protection.
Ravira's surpressed anger became more visible by the day. I occasionally saw her training on focussing her magic in the courtyard. Her magic seemed to become wilder by the day, and while she trained on regaining focus, she seemed to lose it. She seemed stressed, she slept poorly and her conversations with her advisors, human and elf alike, became shorter and more one-sided every day.
She also started to filter out those she deemed to be toxic to her mind. She had realized that she couldn't rule with so many voices speaking into her mind as to what needed to be done. Initially, this manifested by her sending away a few of her human advisors and telling me and my siblings that she did not wish to recieve our advise anymore, restricting herself to just two other humans and our parents. But soon after, she started to have some of her old advisors arrested and jailed.
This also happened to the nobles who had survived the lynchings and did not flee the country. They were jailed and sentenced to incredibly long prison times, for the crime of opposing the queen combined with their past crimes. To my parents, this proved to be the last straw. They confronted Ravira, telling her that she was turning into a tyrant. This meeting happened behind closed doors, but their raised voices were heard throughout the castle.
It was the last time we would ever hear them.
Chandra, Torch of Defiance - Oops! All Chandras.
Prime Speaker Zegana - Draw for Power.
Pir & Toothy - Counterpalooza.
Arcades, the Strategist - Another Brick in the Wall.
Zacama, Primal Calamity - Calamity of Double Mana.
Edgar Markov - Vampires Don't Die.
Child of Alara - Dreamcrusher.
Good stuff. Keep it coming. I think you have the right amount of buildup for this segment. There's a good slide of Ravira and I'm interested to see where our new despot will be headed. Murder and totalitarianism are always a savory combination in fantasy novels.
As mentioned previously, it seems that these segments comprise the bulk of a singular chapter, almost like a prologue. You hit the high points of the previous situation with enough detail to capture the reader yet it covers a large chunk of time, almost 10+ years from what I gather. Your grammar is pretty good, and being from America you have some interesting spellings, but that's unimportant. The story idea is great, and I hope you build up into something more powerful soon!
UB Dralnu, Lich Lord
RBW [Primer]-Kaalia of the Vast
BUG [Primer]-Tasigur, the Golden Fang
GWU [Primer]-Arcades, the Strategist
WUB Primer-Aminatou, the Fateshifter
UBR Nicol Bolas, the Ravager
"As the gods take the bodies of our previous King and Queen, may we remember that while they were not perfect, they were benevolent rulers. They had done what they believed to be best for Rathir and in doing so, they turned this piece of land into a thriving community. Yet they forgot to move into the future, and were blind to the new truths. They were unable to adjust and even after they surrendered the crown, continued to oppose and scheme against the new order, which has proven to be their untimely downfall. Let this serve as a reminder that those who do not adjust will meet the same fate, but for now, let us grant peace to their souls, and a safe passage to the afterlife."
As Ravira stepped down from the platform where she held her speech, most of us didn't dare to look at her. It was Cauri who stepped towards her first. "I would want to say thank you for your speech...but you had to put a threat in it. Why...why can't you allow us our grief after you..." "It was not a threat, Cauri. It was a promise. I was going to give you leniency but if this is how things are...you and your brothers and sisters have three days to pack your belongings and leave the castle." It was clear that Cauri wanted to say something, but all it took was one angry glare from Ravira to cut her off. Had she not been in mourning, perhaps Cauri would have pressed the issue.
We relocated to one of the mansions left by the chased off nobility. We couldn't leave Rathir, it was what we knew our whole lives, though some of us - myself included - started to think about taking up a life of travel. Several weeks we lived in relative peace, despite most of the city avoiding us, not wanting to associate with us. We thought it was out of some form of anger, we didn't recognize fear. Yet once again, it was a human approaching us that would prove to be a change in fate.
He knocked on our door late at night, with most of the city guard having retired already. It ensured he wasn't seen by them, as approaching us was generally met with negative responses, given our status. We recognized him as one of Ravira's discharged advisors, so naturally we weren't too happy to see him at first. Yet he told us that more and more humans started to realize that while their position may have appeared to be better, the truth was that Ravira was turning into what they had hated for so long. He asked us to keep our minds open for the city, to keep watch, as more and more people were defecting from their old savior.
Ravira started to show her true colors not too long after. A small group of citizen had went to the castle to talk to her about their feelings of oppression. They came out in chains, and were led to the city's central square. Announcers went through the streets, calling for as many people as possible to witness what was about to happen. Me and my siblings went as well, standing at the edges of the city.
The queen herself wasn't present. Several of her remaining high guard were though, and they carried out the sentence. They declared that anyone who would stand against the queen would be considered a traitor to the crown, and there was only one punishment. Before everyone present registered what happened, the alleged traitors were hung, their bodies left on display for everyone to see.
Not that they remained there for long. Every day, it seemed, new bodies would dangle from the ropes, each of them with a sign slung across their neck, simply reading 'Traitor'. It did not take long before the man who warned us that something was happening was among the faces we recognized on the gallows. We realized something had to be done, but we did not know what. Ravira had shown her might to us...what could we possibly hope to do?
We spent several days and nights trying to come up with a strategy. We wanted to round up as many people to rally behind us as possible, in the hopes of being able to dethrone Ravira that way. But there were several issues with that plan. Most notably, it seemed that anyone who spoke to us, aside from shopkeeps selling us food and provisions, ended up on the gallows. It made us wonder why we were not attacked yet, but time was running short, this much we knew.
From that point on we stuck together. Never losing sight of one another, out of fear of one of us getting grabbed by the guards and brought to the gallows for crimes unknown. But we could not get help. Whatever we would do, we had to do on our own.
It was Cauri who finally came up with a plan. She had been oddly silent during our conversations, and she finally showed us why. She was perfecting an illusion...one she fooled all of her siblings with. It seemed as if she was sitting with us while in reality, she herself was sitting several feet away. She explained to us that it was merely a trick played on the eye, and thus she could not speak lest she broke the illusion, but she had been able to make it move believably enough.
With that knowledge in mind, she set up a plan. Much like me, she had observed Ravira's magic training and her skill when she led the uprising against our parents. She had seen that Ravira needed a bit of time to conjure up her spells, much like how I myself needed time to pull up the earth to do my bidding. She explained that she could hide us in an illusion, so we could each prepare our own spells and attacks while approaching Ravira. The problem, however, would be that the more people were around, the more chances there were someone might see through the illusion. Cauri had to focus on whoever was witnessing the illusion for it to work.
This meant we had to take a more proactive approach. During the night, we started to approach city guards, trying to figure out who were unhappy with the situation at the castle as well. Turned out, there were quite a lot. But none dared to do anything because of how volatile Ravira had become - we heard stories of her almost killing her chef after she got sick, figuring he had tried to poison her. Other guards who openly tried to criticize her decisions got fired...or dragged off to the dungeons.
We managed to work out a night at which most of the guards present would allow us to enter unhindered. They warned us that things might get dangerous, and Ravira would be liable to just incinerate us if we tried anything, but we had to try, for our country and for our parents. And so, once night fell, we moved to the castle. Gemma, our diplomatically inclined sister in front, hoping that she might be able to talk Ravira down. Behind her, me and seven of my siblings, ready to charge our spells and prepare our weapons as per our own expertises. Cauri would be behind us, masking our motions with her illusions. It was to become a night that went down in history.
Chandra, Torch of Defiance - Oops! All Chandras.
Prime Speaker Zegana - Draw for Power.
Pir & Toothy - Counterpalooza.
Arcades, the Strategist - Another Brick in the Wall.
Zacama, Primal Calamity - Calamity of Double Mana.
Edgar Markov - Vampires Don't Die.
Child of Alara - Dreamcrusher.
I trust you'll deliver a suitable ending for this scene that you've created. As your reader, I have a lot of questions in my head that I'm hoping you'll answer. The mos timportant one, of course, is are the good guys gonna win with their stealth mode to depose/talk to Ravira? The other one is why is Ravira becoming a despotic tyrant? Did she make a deal with demons? What is her end game?
I think you do a good job of describing the scene, by the way. I have a good feel for where everything is and the way things look in my head.
Keep it going!
UB Dralnu, Lich Lord
RBW [Primer]-Kaalia of the Vast
BUG [Primer]-Tasigur, the Golden Fang
GWU [Primer]-Arcades, the Strategist
WUB Primer-Aminatou, the Fateshifter
UBR Nicol Bolas, the Ravager
Chandra, Torch of Defiance - Oops! All Chandras.
Prime Speaker Zegana - Draw for Power.
Pir & Toothy - Counterpalooza.
Arcades, the Strategist - Another Brick in the Wall.
Zacama, Primal Calamity - Calamity of Double Mana.
Edgar Markov - Vampires Don't Die.
Child of Alara - Dreamcrusher.
We walked into the castle, unhindred by any guards. Only the night guards were still around, and even then, we managed to make sure that those who were present were on our side. They didn't dare to stand against Ravira, and I could not blame them. All they did was stand aside, watching us as we walked towards the study, where we were supposed to find Ravira.
And so we did. She was hunched over an old tome, reading, when Gemma opened the door. She was not concealed by Cauri's illusions, and thus she was the only one who could actually interact with our surroundings. Cauri closed the ranks, and by the time we had all passed through the door, Ravira had gotten up, having closed the tome and staring at us. "So...you are with them as well." She said, her voice sounding angry, yet controlled. "All of you...all the same...everyone wants the throne...want me dead..."
Her words made no sense to me at the time. I wanted to speak up, but was reminded that Gemma was to speak for us, as any unexpected movement from any of us could break Cauri's illusion. We had to focus on charging our spells and drawing our weapons. Slowly, carefully, while Gemma would distract Ravira with her speech.
"No...Ravira, we only wish to speak. On behalf of the people, and of our parents, may they rest in peace." Gemma spoke, her voice calm as could be. "Speak...right...I have no reason to trust you. Why would I trust anyone? Do you have any idea how many daggers people have tried to stick in my back? How many went against me? I have been lenient with you, but perhaps I should have sentenced you..." "To the gallows?" Gemma interrupted. "We are not against you Ravira."
"Then if you aren't, why are you here?"
"We understand that your desires for Rathir are well-meaning...but you have changed. When we met you, you were full of ideals. Look at what has become of you, leadership has taken it's toll."
"Nonsense." Ravira spat out. "I feel better and stronger than ever. I have weeded out almost everyone who wished to take my throne."
"That is your first mistake." Gemma stated. "It is not your throne, it is the throne of the people of Rathir. You are on it because they believed you to be most suitable. And we..."
"I AM the most suitable." She balled her fist, cinders dropping from it to the ground.
"Yes...please Ravira, you are suitable, but the stress of ruling has gone to your head. You need help, and we offer it."
Ravira scoffed, taking a step closer. "And make me into your puppet, I am sure. Just like my old advisors tried." With every word she spoke, her voice became harsher.
Gemma took a step back as Ravira approached her. Her confident visage clearly dropping as she felt intimidated by the powerful human. "No...we just wish to stop all the death that your rule is bringing."
"It is not my rule, it is them trying to..." She suddenly stopped and glared at us, behind Gemma. "What...was that?"
The next few moments were a blur. The cinders sparking from her fist turned into a giant ball of fire and she launched a punch past Gemma, striking Jasper in the chest. He had drawn his swords, but he had moved just too fast - the sound of his sword leaving its sheath had been picked up by Ravira. "Traitors!" She roared, flame and lightning engulfing her. Jasper had been knocked out cold, having landed against a bookshelf, and Gemma tried to run away as fast as she could. Ravira let out another roar, and I did all I could - I made the floor shoot up, trying to put a shield between us and Ravira's full might.
And it all went dark after that.
Chandra, Torch of Defiance - Oops! All Chandras.
Prime Speaker Zegana - Draw for Power.
Pir & Toothy - Counterpalooza.
Arcades, the Strategist - Another Brick in the Wall.
Zacama, Primal Calamity - Calamity of Double Mana.
Edgar Markov - Vampires Don't Die.
Child of Alara - Dreamcrusher.
Ok, so this is the moment that caused the beginning rubble and death at the very beginning of the thread. I'm left with a feeling of anti-climax, honestly, but that's for you as the writer to determine. I am fully aware that there usually is no such thing as a perfectly executed plan nor am I naive enough to know that the elvish siblings would have had a grand an epic fight with Ravira. If you would like to keep the fight scene as is, I respect that. I think adding more detail to the confrontation will make it more impactful and satisfying as a reader. That's mostly my opinion.
Ok, so Mephala is able to raise up the foundation of the castle to create a wall to block Ravira's fireball. Sweet. She clearly has a ton of power to move the earth and do some catastrophic damage. So, why hasn't she done this from afar? Prior to confronting Ravira? If elves need more time to gather magic around them to cast their spells, they've had plenty of time in my mind to do so and have Mephala collapse the castle from afar before. This is a detail to consider as it doesn't make a whole lot of sense for them to confront a human who is massively more powerful than they are when they could have deposed her much earlier. Maybe the time element required to gather mana kept getting disrupted due to Ravira's constant harassing of the populace and so they needed to reach an agreement with the guards to allow them time to gather their Magic and focus and those same guards helped them get in, or something.
Keep the faith! Know that I respect your writing and you have a good potential here. The world is coming more alive to me the more I read and for 2000 or so words that you have, it's pretty good so far. I'm engaged as a reader to see where you go.
What is this tome that Ravira was reading? I'm curious now as a reader, since I'm betting that Ravira started going crazy after she acquired this tome and started reading the ancient secrets contained therein. Bring it on, Necronomicon!
UB Dralnu, Lich Lord
RBW [Primer]-Kaalia of the Vast
BUG [Primer]-Tasigur, the Golden Fang
GWU [Primer]-Arcades, the Strategist
WUB Primer-Aminatou, the Fateshifter
UBR Nicol Bolas, the Ravager
She's not as strong as you scale her in to be. She can only work with the ground directly around her, and even then she cannot conjure anything up nor make something disappear. Her spell caused a shift in earth. But it alone isn't nearly enough for the castle to just collapse - Ravira's own attack plus various spells from her siblings combined for a chaotic effect. This will get more elaborated upon in the next chapter - perhaps this was not the best point to cut.
Also, they wished to avoid any casualties. They did not know how many people would be at the castle nor would they be able to pinpoint Ravira's location from afar. Even if they had the power to just collapse the castle, the aftermath would've been painful for everyone involved. Their plan hinged on the possibility of a diplomatic solution, and in case that would fail, the attack would be launched. They didn't know how far mentally gone Ravira was.
I hope it makes a bit more sense with that in mind. I do hope that the next chapters explain the rest of your questions to you. Again, thank you for your comments, as ever
Chandra, Torch of Defiance - Oops! All Chandras.
Prime Speaker Zegana - Draw for Power.
Pir & Toothy - Counterpalooza.
Arcades, the Strategist - Another Brick in the Wall.
Zacama, Primal Calamity - Calamity of Double Mana.
Edgar Markov - Vampires Don't Die.
Child of Alara - Dreamcrusher.
I was kind of assuming that Mephala had that kind of restriction, but it's good to hear that confirmed. I think having your characters talk about that restriction in dialogue as preparation for their diplomatic mission would be a good way to describe why they haven't deposed Ravira already. Also, explaining how everyone would need to be careful in using their Magic as an explanation of the potential chaos and increased power level of spells would again be useful. The magic system, while relevant and integrated well into the world, isn't very well explained methinks.
Han Solo has the greatest solution for diplomatic solutions: kill 'em dead! Haha. Fair enough. The elves want to be good people and afford her a chance of redemption. I can appreciate that. I look forward to reading the rest of what ya got.
UB Dralnu, Lich Lord
RBW [Primer]-Kaalia of the Vast
BUG [Primer]-Tasigur, the Golden Fang
GWU [Primer]-Arcades, the Strategist
WUB Primer-Aminatou, the Fateshifter
UBR Nicol Bolas, the Ravager
Chandra, Torch of Defiance - Oops! All Chandras.
Prime Speaker Zegana - Draw for Power.
Pir & Toothy - Counterpalooza.
Arcades, the Strategist - Another Brick in the Wall.
Zacama, Primal Calamity - Calamity of Double Mana.
Edgar Markov - Vampires Don't Die.
Child of Alara - Dreamcrusher.
RGTron
UGInfect
URStorm
WUBRAd Nauseam
BRGrishoalbrand
URGScapeshift
WBGAbzan Company
WUBRGAmulet Titan
BRGLiving End
WGBogles