Atleast he is over his obsession with your backside Lazer#.
I capture PG and install him in septic tank connected to toilet. I tie Kank to the toilet and give him an overdose of laxatives. Do I need to specify what is going to happen next.
Private Mod Note
():
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag and start slitting throats.
- H.L Mencken
I Became insane with long Intervals of horrible Sanity
All Religion, my friend is simply evolved out of fraud, fear, greed, imagination and poetry.
- Edgar Allan Poe
I awaken from my slumber, with a thumping migrane, to my shock and horror the cheese is missing, spirited away even. I feel weak and hungry, I dunno when I've eaten last, and the cheese has yet to produce any nutrients for me during any period of worship I conducted. Stepping into the streets, I have a chill run down my spine, as if I'm being watched, stalked even, the gun is on the bed and lord knows if it's safe (if your wondering, I don't), I wander the streets, I haven't bathed since my journey throw the time machine and the thick stench of blood eminates from me and my tattered, torn and gore ridden clothes menace the eyes of onlookers, the streets part like the red sea before me as I prowl, looking for the cheese and avoiding the eyes of those who may be watching.
From the corner of my eye I see a shadow form in an alley, from that shadow I see the whites of two eyes staring at me. I quicken my pace and the eyes remain close, their gaze remaining on me, are they cops seeking revenge, guidos seeking vengence, I couldn't say, nor would I find out, I was weak for the cheese was not near, all I could do was hope my cheese-dar goes off and I can find it.
Days of cat and mouse pass, days of hiding and running and fear. I was one step ahead but they inched ever closer to me, then however, it hits me, strength rejuvinated, mental capacity restored, the ability to eat dozens of big macs..not quite, but getting there. I find myself in the backyard of some heathan, bent over secreting bile from his rectum and a small furry mouse struggling in a bile of remains, and I see the cheese, the precious holy cheese spoken of by the Prophet Claypool, it's boundless power eminates from the sewage, reaching over and discarding of the man with pretentions that he may hold it, I hold the cheese high in the sky, it is at this point that several days of hunger takes it's toll and find myself eating the brown sludge on the ground as if it were candy, while still keeping the cheese safely away.
*As Lord Mickey D eats... whatever that horrible brown sludge is, Grey's errant snake-haired triplets happen by.*
Lydya: *sniff sniff* "Ooooh, that cheese is close. I can taste it in the wind."
Lexya: "You're right, it's right over..."
*the girls see Mickey D with his face buried in a pool of sludge*
All: "EWWWWWWWWW!"
Ludmilla: "That... smell. I think I'm going to be sick."
Lexya: "That drunken clown ruined the cheese! SCULPTIFY HIM!"
*Mickey D, so consumed by his sick thirst is unable to see or hear them*
Lydya: *whispering* "I don't think he can hear us. Let's just grab the cheese and get the hell out of here."
* in a rare display of discretion, the sisters abstain from sculptifying anyone in the vicinity and stealthily seize the cheese. With their prize in tow, they hijack a charter jet and fly off to Milan *
Hm... Milan? In Italy? That's... a kinda big city. But Aurora must find the cheese... where could it be?
Well, she doesn't know where the cheese is, but she can contact airport security... and... hm? The security officials for whatever reason decided to detain the Gorgons on sight? OK, not sure why that happened, but that does make the cheese easy to obtain.
Well, Aurora can't think of a place to hide it, so she'll just put it back in the safe and lock it up. You must do 15 straddle jumps in front of the camera in order for the safe to open.
* Lexya manipulates the sculptified remains of one of those poor airline security guards into doing straddle jumps in front of the camera *
Lexya: "... 13, 14, ...15! YAY! I DID IT!"
* the safe cracks open revealing The Cheese. *
Lydya: "About time."
* she reaches for The Cheese... only to have it snatched away at the last moment by Jeeves, the Butler Gremlin.*
Jeeves: "You ladies have been quite naughty. The Master will be most displeased when he hears about the trouble you've given me. But enough talk, I must secure Lord Grey's cheese."
* as he blasts away at the stone thralls the sisters have sent in pursuit, Jeeves manages to hitch a ride on a departing cargo ship with The Cheese in hand *
Aurora sends a Merfolk to try to find the ship that Jeeves is on. After a search on the surface of the ocean, the Merfolk eventually finds the proper ship, gets some suction cups to climb on, and take the cheese. The Merfolk takes the cheese all the way back to Aurora, who now has to think of a place to hide it.
She hasn't made that many new trap rooms recently, so... wait! There's a lizard here! Must run away!
Crag Gecko 1(2/G)
Creature - Lizard [Common]
Whenever you cast a spell, if you spent 8 or more mana to cast that spell, you may return Crag Gecko from your graveyard to the battlefield. No one had an explanation for the existence of these lizards. People suspected that they were a sign that the largest lizard they had ever seen was nearby.
2/2
Wait... she ran away from a 2/2? Why is she so scared?
Unfortunately it was all for naught. The biggest lizard ever attacked her, left her unconscious on the ground, and stole the cheese and ran away with it.
Gigasaurus Rex 6(2/G)(2/G)
Creature - Lizard [Mythic rare]
Trample
If you control a creature named Crag Gecko, Gigasaurus Rex enters the battlefield with seven +1/+1 counters on it. The number of armspans it takes to measure the size of the Gigasaurus Rex is more than the number of people slain by one.
7/7
The lizard has the cheese. Aurora is left on the ground unconscious.
By good celestial configurations and the grace of the gods, the cheese arrives safely at its destination in JO. It just so happens that a friend of mine who does archeological work near Aqaba is in a cheese shop one day, looking for a meal. In the musty back corner of the shop, he sees a glass display case containing a breathtakingly putrid and ancient-looking wheel of cheese. There's a sign on the case that reads "NOT FOR SALE" in five languages. However, the old shopkeeper is slightly blind and out of sight, my friend is hungry, and he's illiterate regardless. He noses his way around the case's latch and surreptitiously takes the cheese in his mouth as he exits the shop, leaving behind a trail of viscous camel drool. However, on the way out the door, he comes across the a dumpster full of old leather. He finds that he's more in the mood for eating leather than cheese, so he sets down his stolen prize, knocks over the dumpster, and devours it's contents. In around half an hour, he's sated, content and charitable. He decides to send the cheese to me, for I am a known connoisseur. I am pleasantly surprised when it arrives in a half-frozen parcel on my doorstep on a frigid day in Gavony, with a note which reads, "For your spiritual fulfillment."
TL;DR: I have the cheese.
Infected by the spirit of charity, I give the cheese to an old beggar. The beggar turns out to be a practicing Skirsdag cultist, and he sacrifices the cheese to Griselbrand. Into the Maw of Hell it goes.
* Jeeves flips the switch on a darksteel crane which plunges into the chasm and within seconds safely recovers The Cheese *
Jeeves: "My dear, first it's stolen by an aquatic denizen of questionable morals then it's carelessly tossed into an infernal chasm. I do wish Lord Grey will hurry up and finish... whatever it is he's doing. I'm not sure my old bones can hold up much longer."
* He pages the Dreadnaught to pick him up, but fails to get a response *
Jeeves: "Dreadnaught crew, do you copy? I am in need of extraction."
* After several failed attempts, the intrepid Phyrexian butler gremlin decides to check in at a homely Stensian inn with The Cheese in tow. Before turning in for the evening, he sets up a dizzying array of booby traps in his room to ward off any potential cheese thieves *
Hm... Stensia, and booby traps? OK... must send a team consisting of an Elite Inquisitor and a trapfinder to do this. After that happens, the Inquisitor gets the cheese back to Aurora, who hides the box in another one of her trap rooms. The box with the cheese is on a piece of land, but you have to cross a 30 m (~100 ft.) pool of blue photofluid.
(You can stay on top of the photofluid for about half a second if you have both feet on the photofluid, due to some surface tension, but if you lift one foot then you'll fall in because of less surface contact. If you fall in, it will cover you with blue light residue. The pool is 1.2 m (~4 ft.) deep.)
(There is an exit door at the end where the cheese is, but you can't enter from there.)
* Grey's ever-vigilant butler gremlin peers across the wide photofluid pool with weary eyes *
Jeeves: "Oh my, another prefabricated hurdle in front of Lord Grey's prized dairy cache. But I mustn't complain, for it is my sworn duty to obtain the cheese."
* Activates rocket boots... only to have them unexpectedly run out of fuel seconds before takeoff *
Jeeves: "Confound these wretched machines! If only my team of specialists hadn't been converted into stone thralls by those mischievous triplets. *sigh* I suppose it's time to take a dip..."
* As Jeeves paces towards the pool, he is approached by a minotaur and a goblin holding a briefcase who are both dressed in charcoal-colored business suits and bowler hats *
Tahngarth: "You're Jeeves, right? Lord Grey sent us."
Jeeves: "A pleasure to meet your acquaintance, sir. I am Jeeves, and you are?"
Tahngarth: "Backup."
Jeeves: "Backup, you say? A most peculiar name..."
Tahngarth: "I said BACK UP!"
* Tahngarth hurls Squee clear across the pond. Slightly bruised upon landing, the goblin grabs The Cheese and places it in his briefcase *
Squee: "READY!"
* The minotaur reels Squee in thanks to an extremely long chain he had wrapped around his waist *
Jeeves: "Most impressive, good sir! Beg your pardon, but I still didn't get your name."
* Tahngarth's nostrils flair up *
Tahngarth: "Someone's coming! Squee, don't let anyone else grab that case! I hope you're packing heat, Jeeves!"
Aurora calls some pixies (not just any pixies this time, but these ones) to steal the cheese from Tahngarth.
She would hide it in a trap room again, but she feels like doing something else instead of forcing people to do jumps this time (because people almost always try to find workarounds).
She hides it at the top floor of the building that has these elevators.
I send my lowly squire Nicol Bolas, of whom I have secretly had control over for thousands of years, to seduce Aurora and gain control of her, then take the precious cheese.
Now's as good a time as any for a dramatic return...
* A colossal interplanar warship shaped like a winged beast looms over Bolas, Aurora, and Niv Mizzet *
*Grey sits in his luxurious command chair surrounded by his newly expanded crew, which consists of several "recreated" members of the Weatherlight *
Hanna: "Lord Grey, is it time?"
Grey: "Indeed. Are the targets in range?"
Squee: "Targets in range, Lord Grey."
Grey: "Excellent. Down periscope."
* an elaborate periscope descends from the ceiling *
Grey: "Now, I suggest the rest of you take a break in mess hall until further notice."
* after the rest of the crew leaves the bridge, Grey speaks into intercom *
"Girls, you can come up now."
* Lexya, Lydya, and Ludmilla enter the bridge
Lexya: "Oh boy, do we get to make sculptures, daddy?"
Grey: "Absolutely, my dear. And this time I won't get mad."
* Two more elaborate periscopes descend from the ceiling. Lexya and Lydya eagerly take possession of them *
Ludmilla: "But daddy, don't I get one?"
Grey: "No, but I have something extra special for you. Since we all know how much you like to sing..."
* hands Ludmilla a classically-styled chrome microphone *
Ludmilla: "Ooooh. I love it!" *clutches the microphone enthusiastically *
Grey: "Showtime, everyone! Let us take in the view and enjoy the music."
*Ludmilla's beautiful aria is piped over a massive intercom system that washes over the battlefield. Bolas, Mizzet, and Aurora are unable to resist the pull *
Grey: *removes his glasses* "Let's make some art."
* Grey, Lexya, and Lydya focus their wicked optics through the periscopes, their combined powers focused through the Dreadnaught's "eyes", thus sculptifying all of Grey's rivals at once.*
Grey: "And now for the finale."
*after recovering the cheese, Grey teleports Aurora and Mizzet to a random far flung plane where they will "thaw out" soon enough while leaving Bolas alone and defenseless*
Grey: *smirking* "I've waited millennia for this. I'd love to monologue some more, but I've been verbose enough."
* unleashes a stone-shattering roar causing Bolas's sculptified remains into explode into countless shards that waft away into the void. After that overly elaborate business, Grey seals the cheese in a darksteel cube, drops it into The Abyss, then boards the Dreadnaught which flies off to an undisclosed location.*
*waiting to thaw out... will take just a bit longer...*
Alright. Aurora will now send an Angelic Overseer (protected by Konda, Lord of Eiganjo) into the Abyss to get the cheese. She does that and brings it back to Aurora, who hides it in one of her trap rooms, as usual.
You must pass through three doorways to get through this, but each doorway is protected by a turret that will cover you with blue light residue and 1000 Nerf darts as you pass through the doorway. Of course, you can avoid this by (you guessed it!) doing a straddle jump through the doorway. Note that you have to do this on all three doorways, and you also have to do this on the way out as well. The cheese is contained in a darksteel safe that is unlocked. However, if you go through any of the doorways improperly and cause the turrets to fire, the safe will lock itself and you can't open it for another two hours.
(The doorways are wide enough to do this safely. All walls are made of darksteel.)
It is extremely fortunate that, having spent quite a bit of time residing in Equilor under its fading sun and relaxing chronology, I have learned the art of patience. And the benefits of having a good sense of humor. So after being colored, bombarded, and otherwise inconvenienced, I used the generous two hours given to clean myself off before opening the, now unlocked, safe, and absconding with The Cheese. Not understanding exactly what all the fuss was about, though, I decided that keeping The Cheese was not nearly so valuable as acquiring it, and tucked it into a nearby Gravity Sphere. With a gorgeous Moat surrounding it, of course. No sense in being completely lax on security.
* As Grey takes a breather, Hanna and Squee approach the castle where the cheese is being held *
Hanna: *sighs* "How does Lord Grey expect us to get in there? All he gave us was this little flower petal and I'm not equipped to destroy enchantments."
Hanna: "Oh, Crovax it's you. You're looking a bit paler than usual."
Crovax: "Can... "jump" over moat... only costs :symb:. But first... must... eat."
Hanna: "Oh, I get it."
* Hanna reaches out to hand the lotus petal to Crovax... only to watch in horror as he devours Squee *
Hanna: "OY! BLOODY HELL!"
Crovax: *slurp* *gulp* "AHHHHH! Upkeep ability satisfied. I'll take that petal now."
* Crovax spends the black mana to gain Flying until end of turn, easily breaching the castle's defenses and regaining custody of the cheese for Grey. *
Crovax: "Now... what do I do with this thing?"
Grey: *over communicator* "Well done, my bloodthirsty friend. I'm still a bit drained after blowing up that Elder Dragon. Why don't you guard the cheese for awhile? Hanna and... whatever's left of Squee, return to the Dreadnaught. Don't worry, Crovax I won't leave you empty handed. You... might want to watch your head."
* Grey dumps an absurd amount of unbreakable mirrored coating from the Dreadnaught, thus coating the entirety of the castle and its fortifications. And he also drops down a gang of elk in case Crovax needs backup... or a snack.*
Aurora sends a Mirran Crusader and an Elite Inquisitor to deal with the Elk and Crovax, and also a Tanglewalker to slip through the castle coated with steel. They retrieve the cheese and hand it to Aurora, who hides it in a safe made of darksteel, protected by...
[Note: The minefield is not physically dangerous. It is a simulation on a screen that you can retake as often as you need, but you must finish the whole thing completely for the safe to open.]
The darksteel safe was pretty conspicuous, and there didn't seem to be any guards around, so Philip had no trouble jacking it off
...to an outpost in those hazy, obscure and remote borderlands between the Magic: The Gathering and Star Wars multiverses. In this outpost there are a few shacks of simple mud-and-tin construction. He placed the safe in the dirt-floored cellar of one of the more affluent shacks. He knew full well that its twinkly-eyed resident loved puzzles and had twenty minutes to spare.
EDIT: On an unrelated note, I think MTGS needs :aqualish: to be a thing. kind of works, but still...
* Tahngarth and the freshly mended Crovax have a casual conversation outside of the Aqualish hut *
Crovax: "I'm telling you, I have no idea how those humans got passed the moat and gravity sphere. They didn't destroy those fortifications and they certainly didn't jump their way into the castle. Tore me to shreds, stole the boss's cheese, and even took my dinner from me."
Tahngarth: "Well, be grateful that you're back in one piece."
*looks at his watch*
"Alright, time to get into character."
* Grey's associates enter the hut and try for several minutes to communicate with the Aqualish mercenary *
Crovax: "Cheese! We're looking for C-H-E-E-S-E!"
Hut Dweller: *incoherent gibberish*
Crovax: "Grrrrrr! Why can't these pondababa's or whatever they're called speak English?"
* Tahngarth finds a safe in the kitchen *
Tahngarth: "Hey, Crovax I think I found it."
* After using a darksteel sphygmomanometer to crack the safe, Tahngarth extracts the cheese *
Tahngarth: "Alright, Crovax I've got the cheese. Let's roll! ...
... Crovax?"
* While Tahngarth was working on the safe, his vampiric partner's thirst got the best of him. Poor pondababa. :("
Crovax: *slurp* *gulp* "Mmmmmm! This is a tasty 'baba."
Tahngarth: "I thought you had breakfast on the way here. Whatever, time to take care of business."
* The two leave the hut, then per Grey's instructions place the cheese in a darksteel briefcase and deposit it in the nearest Sarlacc pit *
P.S.: I second the motion for the emoticon. And sorry about the mess.
OK, so apparently I overlooked the fact that the enchantments were still protecting the cheese there... chances are a Flickerwisp was involved earlier.
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*casts Resurrection on GreyDeckWins*
(Due to some zone-changing that happened, being a Spirit has worn off.)
pikachugundam, don't do that...
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I capture PG and install him in septic tank connected to toilet. I tie Kank to the toilet and give him an overdose of laxatives. Do I need to specify what is going to happen next.
- H.L Mencken
I Became insane with long Intervals of horrible Sanity
All Religion, my friend is simply evolved out of fraud, fear, greed, imagination and poetry.
- Edgar Allan Poe
The Crafters' Rules Guru
From the corner of my eye I see a shadow form in an alley, from that shadow I see the whites of two eyes staring at me. I quicken my pace and the eyes remain close, their gaze remaining on me, are they cops seeking revenge, guidos seeking vengence, I couldn't say, nor would I find out, I was weak for the cheese was not near, all I could do was hope my cheese-dar goes off and I can find it.
Days of cat and mouse pass, days of hiding and running and fear. I was one step ahead but they inched ever closer to me, then however, it hits me, strength rejuvinated, mental capacity restored, the ability to eat dozens of big macs..not quite, but getting there. I find myself in the backyard of some heathan, bent over secreting bile from his rectum and a small furry mouse struggling in a bile of remains, and I see the cheese, the precious holy cheese spoken of by the Prophet Claypool, it's boundless power eminates from the sewage, reaching over and discarding of the man with pretentions that he may hold it, I hold the cheese high in the sky, it is at this point that several days of hunger takes it's toll and find myself eating the brown sludge on the ground as if it were candy, while still keeping the cheese safely away.
Lydya: *sniff sniff* "Ooooh, that cheese is close. I can taste it in the wind."
Lexya: "You're right, it's right over..."
*the girls see Mickey D with his face buried in a pool of sludge*
All: "EWWWWWWWWW!"
Ludmilla: "That... smell. I think I'm going to be sick."
Lexya: "That drunken clown ruined the cheese! SCULPTIFY HIM!"
*Mickey D, so consumed by his sick thirst is unable to see or hear them*
Lydya: *whispering* "I don't think he can hear us. Let's just grab the cheese and get the hell out of here."
* in a rare display of discretion, the sisters abstain from sculptifying anyone in the vicinity and stealthily seize the cheese. With their prize in tow, they hijack a charter jet and fly off to Milan *
Well, she doesn't know where the cheese is, but she can contact airport security... and... hm? The security officials for whatever reason decided to detain the Gorgons on sight? OK, not sure why that happened, but that does make the cheese easy to obtain.
Well, Aurora can't think of a place to hide it, so she'll just put it back in the safe and lock it up. You must do 15 straddle jumps in front of the camera in order for the safe to open.
—Aurora, Ætherwalker
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* Lexya manipulates the sculptified remains of one of those poor airline security guards into doing straddle jumps in front of the camera *
Lexya: "... 13, 14, ...15! YAY! I DID IT!"
* the safe cracks open revealing The Cheese. *
Lydya: "About time."
* she reaches for The Cheese... only to have it snatched away at the last moment by Jeeves, the Butler Gremlin.*
Jeeves: "You ladies have been quite naughty. The Master will be most displeased when he hears about the trouble you've given me. But enough talk, I must secure Lord Grey's cheese."
* as he blasts away at the stone thralls the sisters have sent in pursuit, Jeeves manages to hitch a ride on a departing cargo ship with The Cheese in hand *
She hasn't made that many new trap rooms recently, so... wait! There's a lizard here! Must run away!
Creature - Lizard [Common]
Whenever you cast a spell, if you spent 8 or more mana to cast that spell, you may return Crag Gecko from your graveyard to the battlefield.
No one had an explanation for the existence of these lizards. People suspected that they were a sign that the largest lizard they had ever seen was nearby.
2/2
Wait... she ran away from a 2/2? Why is she so scared?
Unfortunately it was all for naught. The biggest lizard ever attacked her, left her unconscious on the ground, and stole the cheese and ran away with it.
Gigasaurus Rex 6(2/G)(2/G)
Creature - Lizard [Mythic rare]
Trample
If you control a creature named Crag Gecko, Gigasaurus Rex enters the battlefield with seven +1/+1 counters on it.
The number of armspans it takes to measure the size of the Gigasaurus Rex is more than the number of people slain by one.
7/7
The lizard has the cheese. Aurora is left on the ground unconscious.
—Aurora, Ætherwalker
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Also, I revive and heal Aurora.
Cheese says that it misses Jomafro so I send it to wherever Jo is.
Official Knitter of the Crafters.
Currently knitting: It's a surprise!
TL;DR: I have the cheese.
Infected by the spirit of charity, I give the cheese to an old beggar. The beggar turns out to be a practicing Skirsdag cultist, and he sacrifices the cheese to Griselbrand. Into the Maw of Hell it goes.
Jeeves: "My dear, first it's stolen by an aquatic denizen of questionable morals then it's carelessly tossed into an infernal chasm. I do wish Lord Grey will hurry up and finish... whatever it is he's doing. I'm not sure my old bones can hold up much longer."
* He pages the Dreadnaught to pick him up, but fails to get a response *
Jeeves: "Dreadnaught crew, do you copy? I am in need of extraction."
* After several failed attempts, the intrepid Phyrexian butler gremlin decides to check in at a homely Stensian inn with The Cheese in tow. Before turning in for the evening, he sets up a dizzying array of booby traps in his room to ward off any potential cheese thieves *
(You can stay on top of the photofluid for about half a second if you have both feet on the photofluid, due to some surface tension, but if you lift one foot then you'll fall in because of less surface contact. If you fall in, it will cover you with blue light residue. The pool is 1.2 m (~4 ft.) deep.)
(There is an exit door at the end where the cheese is, but you can't enter from there.)
—Aurora, Ætherwalker
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Jeeves: "Oh my, another prefabricated hurdle in front of Lord Grey's prized dairy cache. But I mustn't complain, for it is my sworn duty to obtain the cheese."
* Activates rocket boots... only to have them unexpectedly run out of fuel seconds before takeoff *
Jeeves: "Confound these wretched machines! If only my team of specialists hadn't been converted into stone thralls by those mischievous triplets. *sigh* I suppose it's time to take a dip..."
* As Jeeves paces towards the pool, he is approached by a minotaur and a goblin holding a briefcase who are both dressed in charcoal-colored business suits and bowler hats *
Tahngarth: "You're Jeeves, right? Lord Grey sent us."
Jeeves: "A pleasure to meet your acquaintance, sir. I am Jeeves, and you are?"
Tahngarth: "Backup."
Jeeves: "Backup, you say? A most peculiar name..."
Tahngarth: "I said BACK UP!"
* Tahngarth hurls Squee clear across the pond. Slightly bruised upon landing, the goblin grabs The Cheese and places it in his briefcase *
Squee: "READY!"
* The minotaur reels Squee in thanks to an extremely long chain he had wrapped around his waist *
Jeeves: "Most impressive, good sir! Beg your pardon, but I still didn't get your name."
* Tahngarth's nostrils flair up *
Tahngarth: "Someone's coming! Squee, don't let anyone else grab that case! I hope you're packing heat, Jeeves!"
She would hide it in a trap room again, but she feels like doing something else instead of forcing people to do jumps this time (because people almost always try to find workarounds).
She hides it at the top floor of the building that has these elevators.
—Aurora, Ætherwalker
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-Niv Mizzet, Mob Boss
Now's as good a time as any for a dramatic return...
* A colossal interplanar warship shaped like a winged beast looms over Bolas, Aurora, and Niv Mizzet *
*Grey sits in his luxurious command chair surrounded by his newly expanded crew, which consists of several "recreated" members of the Weatherlight *
Hanna: "Lord Grey, is it time?"
Grey: "Indeed. Are the targets in range?"
Squee: "Targets in range, Lord Grey."
Grey: "Excellent. Down periscope."
* an elaborate periscope descends from the ceiling *
Grey: "Now, I suggest the rest of you take a break in mess hall until further notice."
* after the rest of the crew leaves the bridge, Grey speaks into intercom *
"Girls, you can come up now."
* Lexya, Lydya, and Ludmilla enter the bridge
Lexya: "Oh boy, do we get to make sculptures, daddy?"
Grey: "Absolutely, my dear. And this time I won't get mad."
* Two more elaborate periscopes descend from the ceiling. Lexya and Lydya eagerly take possession of them *
Ludmilla: "But daddy, don't I get one?"
Grey: "No, but I have something extra special for you. Since we all know how much you like to sing..."
* hands Ludmilla a classically-styled chrome microphone *
Ludmilla: "Ooooh. I love it!" *clutches the microphone enthusiastically *
Grey: "Showtime, everyone! Let us take in the view and enjoy the music."
*Ludmilla's beautiful aria is piped over a massive intercom system that washes over the battlefield. Bolas, Mizzet, and Aurora are unable to resist the pull *
Grey: *removes his glasses* "Let's make some art."
* Grey, Lexya, and Lydya focus their wicked optics through the periscopes, their combined powers focused through the Dreadnaught's "eyes", thus sculptifying all of Grey's rivals at once.*
Grey: "And now for the finale."
*after recovering the cheese, Grey teleports Aurora and Mizzet to a random far flung plane where they will "thaw out" soon enough while leaving Bolas alone and defenseless*
Grey: *smirking* "I've waited millennia for this. I'd love to monologue some more, but I've been verbose enough."
* unleashes a stone-shattering roar causing Bolas's sculptified remains into explode into countless shards that waft away into the void. After that overly elaborate business, Grey seals the cheese in a darksteel cube, drops it into The Abyss, then boards the Dreadnaught which flies off to an undisclosed location.*
Alright. Aurora will now send an Angelic Overseer (protected by Konda, Lord of Eiganjo) into the Abyss to get the cheese. She does that and brings it back to Aurora, who hides it in one of her trap rooms, as usual.
You must pass through three doorways to get through this, but each doorway is protected by a turret that will cover you with blue light residue and 1000 Nerf darts as you pass through the doorway. Of course, you can avoid this by (you guessed it!) doing a straddle jump through the doorway. Note that you have to do this on all three doorways, and you also have to do this on the way out as well. The cheese is contained in a darksteel safe that is unlocked. However, if you go through any of the doorways improperly and cause the turrets to fire, the safe will lock itself and you can't open it for another two hours.
(The doorways are wide enough to do this safely. All walls are made of darksteel.)
—Aurora, Ætherwalker
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Yours truly,
Lutrai Ephraxium, Otter Obtainer
Hanna: *sighs* "How does Lord Grey expect us to get in there? All he gave us was this little flower petal and I'm not equipped to destroy enchantments."
Squee: "Maybe we could use this?"
Hanna: "That's not going to work, we can't get over the moat with that and flying is out of the question."
Voice from behind: "That's... what you think."
* Grey's new vampiric recruit approaches Hanna and Squee *
Hanna: "Oh, Crovax it's you. You're looking a bit paler than usual."
Crovax: "Can... "jump" over moat... only costs :symb:. But first... must... eat."
Hanna: "Oh, I get it."
* Hanna reaches out to hand the lotus petal to Crovax... only to watch in horror as he devours Squee *
Hanna: "OY! BLOODY HELL!"
Crovax: *slurp* *gulp* "AHHHHH! Upkeep ability satisfied. I'll take that petal now."
* Crovax spends the black mana to gain Flying until end of turn, easily breaching the castle's defenses and regaining custody of the cheese for Grey. *
Crovax: "Now... what do I do with this thing?"
Grey: *over communicator* "Well done, my bloodthirsty friend. I'm still a bit drained after blowing up that Elder Dragon. Why don't you guard the cheese for awhile? Hanna and... whatever's left of Squee, return to the Dreadnaught. Don't worry, Crovax I won't leave you empty handed. You... might want to watch your head."
* Grey dumps an absurd amount of unbreakable mirrored coating from the Dreadnaught, thus coating the entirety of the castle and its fortifications. And he also drops down a gang of elk in case Crovax needs backup... or a snack.*
...a MINEFIELD!
Good luck.
—Aurora, Ætherwalker
[Note: The minefield is not physically dangerous. It is a simulation on a screen that you can retake as often as you need, but you must finish the whole thing completely for the safe to open.]
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...to an outpost in those hazy, obscure and remote borderlands between the Magic: The Gathering and Star Wars multiverses. In this outpost there are a few shacks of simple mud-and-tin construction. He placed the safe in the dirt-floored cellar of one of the more affluent shacks. He knew full well that its twinkly-eyed resident loved puzzles and had twenty minutes to spare.
EDIT: On an unrelated note, I think MTGS needs :aqualish: to be a thing. kind of works, but still...
Crovax: "I'm telling you, I have no idea how those humans got passed the moat and gravity sphere. They didn't destroy those fortifications and they certainly didn't jump their way into the castle. Tore me to shreds, stole the boss's cheese, and even took my dinner from me."
Tahngarth: "Well, be grateful that you're back in one piece."
*looks at his watch*
"Alright, time to get into character."
* Grey's associates enter the hut and try for several minutes to communicate with the Aqualish mercenary *
Crovax: "Cheese! We're looking for C-H-E-E-S-E!"
Hut Dweller: *incoherent gibberish*
Crovax: "Grrrrrr! Why can't these pondababa's or whatever they're called speak English?"
* Tahngarth finds a safe in the kitchen *
Tahngarth: "Hey, Crovax I think I found it."
* After using a darksteel sphygmomanometer to crack the safe, Tahngarth extracts the cheese *
Tahngarth: "Alright, Crovax I've got the cheese. Let's roll! ...
... Crovax?"
* While Tahngarth was working on the safe, his vampiric partner's thirst got the best of him. Poor pondababa. :("
Crovax: *slurp* *gulp* "Mmmmmm! This is a tasty 'baba."
Tahngarth: "I thought you had breakfast on the way here. Whatever, time to take care of business."
* The two leave the hut, then per Grey's instructions place the cheese in a darksteel briefcase and deposit it in the nearest Sarlacc pit *
P.S.: I second the motion for the emoticon. And sorry about the mess.
...What's a Sarlacc pit?
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This.
Now go get that cheese!*
* And please make sure to disclose all creatures involved in procuring it. :D*
It gets the cheese for me and I hide it in the nuclear reactor at UC Irvine.
Signature done by perv90210
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