A member sent me a message because he's having a hard time defining himself. He's recently begun checking out other guys (when I asked, he indicated that there was sexual attraction there) and it's leading him to question his sexuality. Up until now, he's presumably been only attracted to girls (he assures me that's still the case) but he doesn't know how to proceed with this.
I gave him some advice, but since I feel this issue is far more complex than one man's experiences (I don't believe one can be an authority on self-discovery and coming to terms with aspects of oneself, at best we're all just experts of our own experiences) I felt the user would be better served if the question was made public so others can contribute their own take on the problem.
(Which, for future reference, is something I'm all-too happy to do. If ever you need advice, but you're not inclined to post publicly about it, I am absolutely willing to act as a messenger of sorts. Anything needing to be kept confidential will be and your issue will be heard, don't hesitate to ask.)
I've always been a straight guy but just like everyone else, i had to find myself too. Took a longer time for me than most, because middle/high school kids really took a toll on my self confidence, and being anti-social at the time didn't help.
I think if he gives himself time he'll just know. I'd say if you enjoy looking at other guys, and fantasize about the same sex, your probably gay, or at least bi. Anyways, when you start asking yourself these questions I'm sure you'll get closer to the answer.
I believe that I have enough social competence to slip into a party or two, potentially wooing some attractive females that would not mind spending the evening performing the booty dance on me.
I believe that I have enough social competence to slip into a party or two, potentially wooing some attractive females that would not mind spending the evening performing the booty dance on me.
I can speak from experience and tell you simply that you're incredibly wrong.
I'd have to agree. One can be emotionally attracted to a person of the same sex without being physically attracted to the idea of a ***** or any other part of the male anatomy. Same goes for heterosexual relationships.
I'd have to agree. One can be emotionally attracted to a person of the same sex without being physically attracted to the idea of a ***** or any other part of the male anatomy. Same goes for heterosexual relationships.
EDIT: Or female, if that is the case.
Or you can be attracted to both, going through an actual phase, etc, etc.
Mikey, there are some people out there with fluid gender identity, and/or sexual orientation. It's also possible he's bi, and is merely more able to recognize his same sex attractions for what they are as he's matured. I'm can't say for sure (he'd have to do that for himself), but they are some things you can have him look into.
Does he like *****? Would he put a ***** in his mouth? Would he take a ***** in his ass? If the answer to any of these is no, then he isn't gay.
So, if a person answers your questions as follows they aren't gay?
Does he like *****? Yes
Would he put a ***** in his mouth? No
Would he take a ***** in his ass? Yes
Does he like *****? No
Would he put a ***** in his mouth? Yes
Would he take a ***** in his ass? Yes
Does he like *****? Yes
Would he put a ***** in his mouth? Yes
Would he take a ***** in his ass? No
Aside from being a ridiculous set of criteria, it fails the logic test pretty hard.
Perhaps it's just simply that the person needs a bit of time to sort out his feelings. A friend of mine discovered that he simply wasn't attracted to females. It took time for him to test the waters and make sure that he is in fact not attracted to women and is indeed attracted to men.
I personally never went through a phase where I considered myself to be attracted to men, so I can't comment nearly as much on personal experience. However, it did take me some time to figure out my own sexual preferences. Again, time helped me consolidate my preferences, simply because I become more aware of what I am being attracted to.
I'd have to agree. One can be emotionally attracted to a person of the same sex without being physically attracted to the idea of a ***** or any other part of the male anatomy. Same goes for heterosexual relationships.
EDIT: Or female, if that is the case.
Its called friendship. A person's sexual orientation only has to do with which GENDER they are attracted to...hey, guess how you determine gender? Whether the person has a ***** or a ******! If you do not like *****, then there is no possibility that you could ever be in a relationship with a man as anything more than friends! I'm not gonna say that I like girls and then when she takes her pants off, say "eww!!" I like girls, and that clearly means I like ****** too.
I believe that I have enough social competence to slip into a party or two, potentially wooing some attractive females that would not mind spending the evening performing the booty dance on me.
Its called friendship. A person's sexual orientation only has to do with which GENDER they are attracted to...hey, guess how you determine gender? Whether the person has a ***** or a ******! If you do not like *****, then there is no possibility that you could ever be in a relationship with a man as anything more than friends! I'm not gonna say that I like girls and then when she takes her pants off, say "eww!!" I like girls, and that clearly means I like ****** too.
That just untrue, and your argument is coming off as rather juvenile. There is a major difference between the emotions of love and camaraderie and it is possible to love and be attracted to another person without being sexually attracted to them.
That just untrue, and your argument is coming off as rather juvenile. There is a major difference between the emotions of love and camaraderie and it is possible to love and be attracted to another person without being sexually attracted to them.
It might be juvenile, but hes got a point. To be considered homosexual, you should want to pursue or wouldnt mind the idea of a relationship with another male. As in a relationship with all factors, including sexual. So i would assume he would not be gay if he refused the sexual part. Which equates to friendship.
I really think there is a whole bunch of context missing here.
Are bi people "gay"? is my first question.
I went through this in high school. I was attracted to a guy. we were good friends, he was effeminate, we had overlap in interests etc, etc., but I could never get over the awkward feeling though, and I tried "making out" to no avail (I was flacid and felt weird). I think I still find guys attractive, but it does not mean I want to have sex with them. As someone who explored beyond the tethers of this world (lots of LSD) I can say that I am straight and confident. Some guys do look good though, and I don't think that makes you necessarily 'gay'. It means you appreciate what you subjectively consider 'good genes'.
However, I think that there are many people out there that are just attracted to "personality" (for lack of a better concept), and biology has nothing to do with it.
I'd say give it a go with someone close to you so you can lessen the awkwardness. Just be up front about it. If you can't get that wrenching out of your gut, move on. If you do discover that in fact you are, you can proceed ask yourself if you still find women attractive. Should answer most of the questions you have about sexual oreintation.
When you're young, you can fall in love with just about anyone or anything. Your whole body responds at odd and sometimes inappropriate times to a passing crush or deep admiration of another person. At this particular age, it doesn't matter if it's male or female. Your hormones will play tricks on your forming gender identity. Infatuation can push you to believe you might be gay or bi.
The only way to be sure is to test the waters. A pattern over time, etc.
That just untrue, and your argument is coming off as rather juvenile. There is a major difference between the emotions of love and camaraderie and it is possible to love and be attracted to another person without being sexually attracted to them.
Yeah, but it is called sexual orientation/preference for a reason. I suppose it is more complicated, but I consider which gender(s) your sexually attracted to as the indicators of your sexual orientation. Obviously the person you're address was just being silly, but he sort of makes a point.
My great friend/roomate has had a horribly difficult time figuring out because he is cannot relate to the "gay community" at all, be he knows that he is. He continues trying to deny it to himself, but he's known for years and years and years. At the same time he does nothing but ask me why it happens, and why he's gay.
However, before people start going crazy, he isn't attracted to me, so I have no problem living in the same room with him. He's a good person and he's just had a difficult time defining himself. I feel bad that he struggles with it so much because he actually hates it about himself.
I think the whole subject is just going to remain a mystery for lots of people forever.
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The real problem with the idea of homosexuality is the fact there are such stigmas where a young man or woman would need to to question themselves on such a thing. He probably already knows if he is gay or not deep down inside but the very idea of such a thing in a world where by many it's considered taboo to be in a same sex relationship is what is making him uncomfortable.
I was once pretty sure I was gay. Then I had a crush on a guy, and I became more confident in this. Then I kissed a guy, and I became even more confident, etc. etc.
It's not "Straight, gay or that bi" thing. I had a couple crushes on girls when I was younger, and a girlfriend for almost a year in high school who I loved. I was attracted to her, physically and emotionally (and to illustrate my point, yes, I did sleep with her). However, I still identify as gay, mostly because it's just an easier label. But honestly I've come to realize that the whole sexuality binary thing is stupid.
I agree with the whole testing the waters bit, if only because nobody knows what love is like until you've been in love, so how can you say you know for sure beforehand?
I really think there is a whole bunch of context missing here.
I don't really have a whole lot to give. User is male, age 18/19, from a small community in a red state. Has been attracted to women but recently began to have undeniable attraction to guys. He doesn't really have a great frame of reference to draw from here to really pinpoint his sexuality, so he asked me for advice, which is now opened up to everyone to chime in.
Are bi people "gay"? is my first question.
No, bisexuality is different from homosexuality. And it's often forgotten and/or disregarded when people try to define themselves sexually. The user in question here phrased his question in terms of knowing if you're gay or not, but I did put forth the possibility of bisexuality.
Anyone can be attracted to anything either sexually or emotionally.
It is all a matter of perspective. Think about it......what things didn't you like that you like now? Who did you used to love that you hate? What styles did you think were cool and now would not be caught dead in? What foods taste good that didn't used to.
Our physical and mental perceptions are constantly changing based off of what is being input into them. We can live our lives viewing things as others tell us to or we can choose to live and view things as WE choose.
It comes down to every individual, we all CHOOSE what we are. Anyone who hides behind a shield of "im born this way" or "i can't help it" is just a coward.
We are all born with INTENSE genetic predispositions from our parents but we all choose our own way. I was born with genetic predispositions for a lower IQ, a bad back, cancer, and alcoholism. I WILL not get cancer, my back is fine, I drink weekly but I am well in control, and I have an IQ of 172. Not every predisposition is easy to overcome but WE ARE WHATEVER WE CHOOSE TO BE!
It comes down to every individual, we all CHOOSE what we are. Anyone who hides behind a shield of "im born this way" or "i can't help it" is just a coward.
Well that's certainly a controversial assertion given that the overwhelming scientific consensus is that sexual orientation is caused by genetic, hormonal and environmental influences. Though there isn't a single, simple cause science has been able to demonstrate, it is widely accepted that it isn't a simple choice.
Honestly if you do not think you are in control of yourself I cannot do anything to convince you or anyone of it. I have cited examples from my own life that this is the case and that is really the best I can do in this situation. I can give you another example which is depression. I have an irregularity of serotonin in my brain which is supposed to make me unhappy all the time. Well brain....sucks to be you cause I'm happy, I chose it. Me. Not my brain. Not my genetics. They actually chose the other direction but I made my own choice.
But so you have no scientific evidence? What about life evidence? Was a gay person you know's dad or mom gay? What about their mum and dad? Homosexuals aren't exactly reproducing like crazy so it doesn't make sense that more people would be gay every year if its genetic......Where is the logic?
I would SEVERELY disagree that genetic homosexuality is a widely accepted idea.
I gave him some advice, but since I feel this issue is far more complex than one man's experiences (I don't believe one can be an authority on self-discovery and coming to terms with aspects of oneself, at best we're all just experts of our own experiences) I felt the user would be better served if the question was made public so others can contribute their own take on the problem.
(Which, for future reference, is something I'm all-too happy to do. If ever you need advice, but you're not inclined to post publicly about it, I am absolutely willing to act as a messenger of sorts. Anything needing to be kept confidential will be and your issue will be heard, don't hesitate to ask.)
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I think if he gives himself time he'll just know. I'd say if you enjoy looking at other guys, and fantasize about the same sex, your probably gay, or at least bi. Anyways, when you start asking yourself these questions I'm sure you'll get closer to the answer.
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It might be a little more complicated than that. I think being gay goes a little deeper than just "liking *****".
Not it doesn't. If you like *****, you're gay. If you don't like *****, then you are not gay.
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I can speak from experience and tell you simply that you're incredibly wrong.
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I'd have to agree. One can be emotionally attracted to a person of the same sex without being physically attracted to the idea of a ***** or any other part of the male anatomy. Same goes for heterosexual relationships.
EDIT: Or female, if that is the case.
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Or you can be attracted to both, going through an actual phase, etc, etc.
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So, if a person answers your questions as follows they aren't gay?
Does he like *****? Yes
Would he put a ***** in his mouth? No
Would he take a ***** in his ass? Yes
Does he like *****? No
Would he put a ***** in his mouth? Yes
Would he take a ***** in his ass? Yes
Does he like *****? Yes
Would he put a ***** in his mouth? Yes
Would he take a ***** in his ass? No
Aside from being a ridiculous set of criteria, it fails the logic test pretty hard.
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I personally never went through a phase where I considered myself to be attracted to men, so I can't comment nearly as much on personal experience. However, it did take me some time to figure out my own sexual preferences. Again, time helped me consolidate my preferences, simply because I become more aware of what I am being attracted to.
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Its called friendship. A person's sexual orientation only has to do with which GENDER they are attracted to...hey, guess how you determine gender? Whether the person has a ***** or a ******! If you do not like *****, then there is no possibility that you could ever be in a relationship with a man as anything more than friends! I'm not gonna say that I like girls and then when she takes her pants off, say "eww!!" I like girls, and that clearly means I like ****** too.
RUG Riku, Two is Better Than One
UB [PRIMER] Wrexial, Classic Control
RG Radha, Ramp's Theme Goes With Everything
That just untrue, and your argument is coming off as rather juvenile. There is a major difference between the emotions of love and camaraderie and it is possible to love and be attracted to another person without being sexually attracted to them.
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It might be juvenile, but hes got a point. To be considered homosexual, you should want to pursue or wouldnt mind the idea of a relationship with another male. As in a relationship with all factors, including sexual. So i would assume he would not be gay if he refused the sexual part. Which equates to friendship.
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Are bi people "gay"? is my first question.
I went through this in high school. I was attracted to a guy. we were good friends, he was effeminate, we had overlap in interests etc, etc., but I could never get over the awkward feeling though, and I tried "making out" to no avail (I was flacid and felt weird). I think I still find guys attractive, but it does not mean I want to have sex with them. As someone who explored beyond the tethers of this world (lots of LSD) I can say that I am straight and confident. Some guys do look good though, and I don't think that makes you necessarily 'gay'. It means you appreciate what you subjectively consider 'good genes'.
However, I think that there are many people out there that are just attracted to "personality" (for lack of a better concept), and biology has nothing to do with it.
I'd say give it a go with someone close to you so you can lessen the awkwardness. Just be up front about it. If you can't get that wrenching out of your gut, move on. If you do discover that in fact you are, you can proceed ask yourself if you still find women attractive. Should answer most of the questions you have about sexual oreintation.
The only way to be sure is to test the waters. A pattern over time, etc.
Yeah, but it is called sexual orientation/preference for a reason. I suppose it is more complicated, but I consider which gender(s) your sexually attracted to as the indicators of your sexual orientation. Obviously the person you're address was just being silly, but he sort of makes a point.
However, before people start going crazy, he isn't attracted to me, so I have no problem living in the same room with him. He's a good person and he's just had a difficult time defining himself. I feel bad that he struggles with it so much because he actually hates it about himself.
I think the whole subject is just going to remain a mystery for lots of people forever.
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It's not "Straight, gay or that bi" thing. I had a couple crushes on girls when I was younger, and a girlfriend for almost a year in high school who I loved. I was attracted to her, physically and emotionally (and to illustrate my point, yes, I did sleep with her). However, I still identify as gay, mostly because it's just an easier label. But honestly I've come to realize that the whole sexuality binary thing is stupid.
I agree with the whole testing the waters bit, if only because nobody knows what love is like until you've been in love, so how can you say you know for sure beforehand?
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I don't really have a whole lot to give. User is male, age 18/19, from a small community in a red state. Has been attracted to women but recently began to have undeniable attraction to guys. He doesn't really have a great frame of reference to draw from here to really pinpoint his sexuality, so he asked me for advice, which is now opened up to everyone to chime in.
No, bisexuality is different from homosexuality. And it's often forgotten and/or disregarded when people try to define themselves sexually. The user in question here phrased his question in terms of knowing if you're gay or not, but I did put forth the possibility of bisexuality.
Why is gay in quotation marks?
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Anyone can be attracted to anything either sexually or emotionally.
It is all a matter of perspective. Think about it......what things didn't you like that you like now? Who did you used to love that you hate? What styles did you think were cool and now would not be caught dead in? What foods taste good that didn't used to.
Our physical and mental perceptions are constantly changing based off of what is being input into them. We can live our lives viewing things as others tell us to or we can choose to live and view things as WE choose.
It comes down to every individual, we all CHOOSE what we are. Anyone who hides behind a shield of "im born this way" or "i can't help it" is just a coward.
We are all born with INTENSE genetic predispositions from our parents but we all choose our own way. I was born with genetic predispositions for a lower IQ, a bad back, cancer, and alcoholism. I WILL not get cancer, my back is fine, I drink weekly but I am well in control, and I have an IQ of 172. Not every predisposition is easy to overcome but WE ARE WHATEVER WE CHOOSE TO BE!
Well that's certainly a controversial assertion given that the overwhelming scientific consensus is that sexual orientation is caused by genetic, hormonal and environmental influences. Though there isn't a single, simple cause science has been able to demonstrate, it is widely accepted that it isn't a simple choice.
Do you have any studies to back that up?
Archatmos
Excellion
Fracture: Israfiel (WBR), Wujal (URG), Valedon (GUB), Amduat (BGW), Paladris (RWU)
Collision (Set Two of the Fracture Block)
Quest for the Forsaken (Set Two of the Excellion Block)
Katingal: Plane of Chains
But so you have no scientific evidence? What about life evidence? Was a gay person you know's dad or mom gay? What about their mum and dad? Homosexuals aren't exactly reproducing like crazy so it doesn't make sense that more people would be gay every year if its genetic......Where is the logic?
I would SEVERELY disagree that genetic homosexuality is a widely accepted idea.