So I've recently started dating a girl (for about a month). Things are going well all-around except in the money department, where she has never so much as offered to pay for any of our dates yet.
To give a bit more background: I'm 25 and in school, she's 20 and in school, but I'm a bit better off financially than her (I made the grave mistake of mentioning that I do stock investing at one point). Now, we go out usually around twice a week, which amounts to about $100 on average out of my pocket weekly for movies/dinner, etc. She's also joked about me buying her presents and mentioned that one of her past boyfriends always bought her stuff (a red flag?). She's also said that she prefers the traditional male type - assertive, tattooed and tough, dangerous, etc, so this view perhaps contributes to her belief that the man should "take charge" and pay.
Now, for our dates, she's never offered to pay, but has said a couple times that she feels bad that I'm spending so much money when we go out (of course, she's always said this after the fact, not when the bill came). In reply, I've dropped the hint that I have many coming expenses due to trips and etc, and it'd be nice and fair if she paid once in a while. She seemed to agree with it. I also mentioned staying in a bit more as an option, to which she also seemed to agree.
We just had this conversation recently, so I have yet to test her resolve to actually pay on the next date, but I'm hoping she does. Now, my question is:
If she doesn't make any effort to pay in the next short while (say next few weeks), what's the best action to take? I'm thinking I'll talk to her about it and get her views on relationship equality, etc. I do enjoy her company so it would be a shame to have money ruin the moment, but it will continue being an issue as long as it is left unresolved, and I suspect it will only worsen if we proceed for longer and a precedent is set.
Speaking from a woman's perspective, I wouldn't instinctively pay for any dates, although I'm the kind of woman who'll try paying her half of the bill but won't argue if the guy says "no, you don't have to, I insist."
Anyway, I can't say anything really definitive just reading this, but there's nothing wrong with wanting a bit of fairness in the money department, especially if money is an issue. That said, I wouldn't phrase any inquiry in terms of "relationship equality" or something. That's got too high a chance of coming off wrong. Better just to explain the situation, explain that money isn't infinite, and suggest that she pay for some of it, too—fair's fair, and all that. Or failing that, there's always doing things that don't cost money (like personally I'm fine with a "date" being "coming over to play video games"). It all depends on what she's open to. Just don't be confrontational and it'll likely work out.
Either way, I must say I'm not a fan of women who expect constant spending on them without having to do anything themselves. It's just really gold-digger-y in this day and age. But then again my idea of "equality" means "actually equal, not only equal when it's not inconvenient."
Anyway, basically what I'm saying is be respectful (especially if she was simply raised on "traditional" values and doesn't have a lot of experience otherwise) but acknowledge it might not work out as well as you'd hope.
Seriously, all you have to do is, when you're planning to go out next time, say "Can you get this one?" Or anything casually along those lines. If you don't make a big deal out of it, it won't be a big deal.
If it is a big deal to her, she'll probably just blow you off at that point anyway.
I pay for I would say 80% of what me and my girl do, but If she suggests to do something I have no problem asking her if she's throwing up money first.
I read a few red flags in your post, OP. I think you should definitely talk to her about it soon. But like Teia said don't use technical terms, haha. Just make it easy to understand what you want from her and explain that it's kind of uncomfortable for you right now. I don't see anything wrong with that.
Some girls want the guy to pay for everything all the time. Some are willing to share the cost. I say it should be equal spending in the relationship.
(I don't like the fact that she dropped hints about buying her things)
I'm not sure why you're reading so much into her not offering to pay. She's the girl. You haven't asked her to pay for anything. You've been paying for everything up until this point. It's been about a month.
If you're honestly saddled for cash, just ask her to pay for something. It's not that hard. Don't drop hints, if this is that much of a concern for you then you shouldn't be trying to keep it a secret.
$100 a week seems like you're going to pretty nice places if you're only going out twice a week. Perhaps cut it down to a lower key dinner/one movie for a while?
I'm not sure why you're reading so much into her not offering to pay. She's the girl.
You know, maybe it's just a function of where I was raised, but all while I was growing up, my mom was like, "Just because you're the girl doesn't mean you should never pay for anything." But then again my views on gender roles are... non-standard at best.
The important question that has gone unanswered so far is to be presented now: is she playing with your *****?
This. Definitely this.
In all seriousness though, there is nothing wrong with asking her to pay for herself once in a while if money is an issue to you. This isn't the 50s anymore, and women shouldn't expect the man to pay for everything. However, you should probably pay for yourself no matter what. If you're a man, and you make enough money to provide food for yourself, there is no reason why you shouldn't pay for yourself. I never expected any of my girlfriends to pay for me, and if they tried to, I would just say no.
Like others have mentioned, you don't always have to go out. You also don't have to do expensive things. Be creative.
I believe that I have enough social competence to slip into a party or two, potentially wooing some attractive females that would not mind spending the evening performing the booty dance on me.
If you're only a month in and are already having issues with money in your relationship I'd say things are heading down a dark path.
Money issues are right up there with infidelity when it comes to relationships ending.
See if she keeps her word. If she doesn't, I'd say kick her to the curb.
Alternative: If you live in/around Nevada you could get a decent hooker once a month for that $400 you're spending on her, and you wouldn't even have to worry about the whole PMS/Relationship/Bull☺☺☺☺ stuff. Just sayin'.
Maybe its just me, but im fine with paying for everything. It's the gentlemanly thing to do. If she offers to pick up the tab somewhere, cool, but I never ask or expect her to. And as has already been pointed out.....its been a month. Far too early to even be thinking about this as a deal breaker. If you cant afford to date, then you shouldnt be dating or need to find cheaper alternatives to fit your budget. Also, she's only 20. She's probably used to being handled with "kid gloves". Keep that in mind.
Alternative: If you live in/around Nevada you could get a decent hooker once a month for that $400 you're spending on her, and you wouldn't even have to worry about the whole PMS/Relationship/Bull☺☺☺☺ stuff. Just sayin'.
Edit: That was a joke.
eHarmony was the greatest Escort Service ever! $50 for 3 months of constant sex and in the end I got a wife. You may be joking, but I firmly believe that bartering and trading are pretty much what makes relationships work. In the early stages it has always felt like there was in indirect link between how much money I spent and sex - sub money for "listening intently" and sex for "attention" if you want because it's sort of all the same thing.
If after a month you feel that you are giving more than she is, then something is off. If you just want her to pay then you need to give her that information. When I started dating my wife I was poor and she was making 7 times that. Her $100 was different than my $100. This was a point of contention - and still is some times - but once we came to an agreement/understanding things started to work really well. We aren't perfect, but once we talked about our relationship in terms of commerce everything made sense.
I hate being a technical kind of guy like that, but in a world were we have things to offer and have needs it really becomes a series of logistical problems. So, figure out what she is offering as currency. Yours may be obvious but maybe you aren't giving her the goods and services she wants and maybe she isn't giving you what you want. I'd be pissed if I wasted money and time on a girl that provided nothing for me.
I believe that candles, massage oil, and Barry White is what you meant to say.
Which decade are you in, again?
Yes, I know it depends on the kind of girl you're after. But I'd think someone on a Magic forum would like the gamer type more than the "traditional" type. But guys can also find one's ability to kick his ass in Halo or Mass Effect to be intimidating, I guess.
I believe that candles, massage oil, and Barry White is what you meant to say.
If me getting laid involves anything other than releasing the kraken, I'm usually not down.
His mileage may vary, however.
My odd sense of humor aside, I agree that staying in is just what your relationship needs.
Redbox: $1
Chinese: $15-25
Condom: $0.75
Grand total: $16.75-$26.75. (And I bet it was just as fun if not better than going out, because you totally got to snuggle in your Pj's and make fun of a B movie together.)
Yes, I know it depends on the kind of girl you're after. But I'd think someone on a Magic forum would like the gamer type more than the "traditional" type.
huh? One's tastes arent always defined by their interests. For example, im into chicks with lots of ink and pale skin. But you'd never know that by looking at me. And what's wrong with candles and massage oil?
If me getting laid involves anything other than releasing the kraken, I'm usually not down.
His mileage may vary, however.
My odd sense of humor aside, I agree that staying in is just what your relationship needs.
Redbox: $1
Chinese: $15-25
Condom: $0.75
Grand total: $16.75-$26.75. (And I bet it was just as fun if not better than going out, because you totally got to snuggle in your Pj's and make fun of a B movie together.)
For that same 25 bucks you could cook her dinner and earn even more brownie points
This made me laugh. But in all seriousness, I'd ask her to pay for ONLY her half every once in a while. In my experiences, I've learned to always pick up my half of the bill.
To give a bit more background: I'm 25 and in school, she's 20 and in school, but I'm a bit better off financially than her (I made the grave mistake of mentioning that I do stock investing at one point). Now, we go out usually around twice a week, which amounts to about $100 on average out of my pocket weekly for movies/dinner, etc. She's also joked about me buying her presents and mentioned that one of her past boyfriends always bought her stuff (a red flag?). She's also said that she prefers the traditional male type - assertive, tattooed and tough, dangerous, etc, so this view perhaps contributes to her belief that the man should "take charge" and pay.
Now, for our dates, she's never offered to pay, but has said a couple times that she feels bad that I'm spending so much money when we go out (of course, she's always said this after the fact, not when the bill came). In reply, I've dropped the hint that I have many coming expenses due to trips and etc, and it'd be nice and fair if she paid once in a while. She seemed to agree with it. I also mentioned staying in a bit more as an option, to which she also seemed to agree.
We just had this conversation recently, so I have yet to test her resolve to actually pay on the next date, but I'm hoping she does. Now, my question is:
If she doesn't make any effort to pay in the next short while (say next few weeks), what's the best action to take? I'm thinking I'll talk to her about it and get her views on relationship equality, etc. I do enjoy her company so it would be a shame to have money ruin the moment, but it will continue being an issue as long as it is left unresolved, and I suspect it will only worsen if we proceed for longer and a precedent is set.
Thoughts, MTGS?
Anyway, I can't say anything really definitive just reading this, but there's nothing wrong with wanting a bit of fairness in the money department, especially if money is an issue. That said, I wouldn't phrase any inquiry in terms of "relationship equality" or something. That's got too high a chance of coming off wrong. Better just to explain the situation, explain that money isn't infinite, and suggest that she pay for some of it, too—fair's fair, and all that. Or failing that, there's always doing things that don't cost money (like personally I'm fine with a "date" being "coming over to play video games"). It all depends on what she's open to. Just don't be confrontational and it'll likely work out.
Either way, I must say I'm not a fan of women who expect constant spending on them without having to do anything themselves. It's just really gold-digger-y in this day and age. But then again my idea of "equality" means "actually equal, not only equal when it's not inconvenient."
Anyway, basically what I'm saying is be respectful (especially if she was simply raised on "traditional" values and doesn't have a lot of experience otherwise) but acknowledge it might not work out as well as you'd hope.
If it is a big deal to her, she'll probably just blow you off at that point anyway.
"Stoned players can't attack, block, or play spells or abilities."
Some girls want the guy to pay for everything all the time. Some are willing to share the cost. I say it should be equal spending in the relationship.
(I don't like the fact that she dropped hints about buying her things)
JAMMIT DIM! I'm a DOCTOR not a DECKBUILDER!
Good point, I paid for everything the first 4 or 5 months.
As would I.
I'm not sure why you're reading so much into her not offering to pay. She's the girl. You haven't asked her to pay for anything. You've been paying for everything up until this point. It's been about a month.
If you're honestly saddled for cash, just ask her to pay for something. It's not that hard. Don't drop hints, if this is that much of a concern for you then you shouldn't be trying to keep it a secret.
Trade Thread
You know, maybe it's just a function of where I was raised, but all while I was growing up, my mom was like, "Just because you're the girl doesn't mean you should never pay for anything." But then again my views on gender roles are... non-standard at best.
This. Definitely this.
In all seriousness though, there is nothing wrong with asking her to pay for herself once in a while if money is an issue to you. This isn't the 50s anymore, and women shouldn't expect the man to pay for everything. However, you should probably pay for yourself no matter what. If you're a man, and you make enough money to provide food for yourself, there is no reason why you shouldn't pay for yourself. I never expected any of my girlfriends to pay for me, and if they tried to, I would just say no.
Like others have mentioned, you don't always have to go out. You also don't have to do expensive things. Be creative.
RUG Riku, Two is Better Than One
UB [PRIMER] Wrexial, Classic Control
RG Radha, Ramp's Theme Goes With Everything
Money issues are right up there with infidelity when it comes to relationships ending.
See if she keeps her word. If she doesn't, I'd say kick her to the curb.
Alternative: If you live in/around Nevada you could get a decent hooker once a month for that $400 you're spending on her, and you wouldn't even have to worry about the whole PMS/Relationship/Bull☺☺☺☺ stuff. Just sayin'.
Edit: That was a joke.
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Yeah. For me that is an annoyance. I dislike it when someone starts going on about their ex when first dating.
Anyway, I would just be honest. It's in both of your best interests to know now rather than later.
Edit: I agree with this ^. Finding cheaper dates would spread your money out more. You said two dates is 100+. That's a bit much, imo.
JAMMIT DIM! I'm a DOCTOR not a DECKBUILDER!
eHarmony was the greatest Escort Service ever! $50 for 3 months of constant sex and in the end I got a wife. You may be joking, but I firmly believe that bartering and trading are pretty much what makes relationships work. In the early stages it has always felt like there was in indirect link between how much money I spent and sex - sub money for "listening intently" and sex for "attention" if you want because it's sort of all the same thing.
If after a month you feel that you are giving more than she is, then something is off. If you just want her to pay then you need to give her that information. When I started dating my wife I was poor and she was making 7 times that. Her $100 was different than my $100. This was a point of contention - and still is some times - but once we came to an agreement/understanding things started to work really well. We aren't perfect, but once we talked about our relationship in terms of commerce everything made sense.
I hate being a technical kind of guy like that, but in a world were we have things to offer and have needs it really becomes a series of logistical problems. So, figure out what she is offering as currency. Yours may be obvious but maybe you aren't giving her the goods and services she wants and maybe she isn't giving you what you want. I'd be pissed if I wasted money and time on a girl that provided nothing for me.
WUBRGPauper Battle BoxWUBRG ... and why I am not a fan of Wayne Reynolds' Illustrations.
I believe that candles, massage oil, and Barry White is what you meant to say.
Which decade are you in, again?
Yes, I know it depends on the kind of girl you're after. But I'd think someone on a Magic forum would like the gamer type more than the "traditional" type. But guys can also find one's ability to kick his ass in Halo or Mass Effect to be intimidating, I guess.
If me getting laid involves anything other than releasing the kraken, I'm usually not down.
His mileage may vary, however.
My odd sense of humor aside, I agree that staying in is just what your relationship needs.
Redbox: $1
Chinese: $15-25
Condom: $0.75
Grand total: $16.75-$26.75. (And I bet it was just as fun if not better than going out, because you totally got to snuggle in your Pj's and make fun of a B movie together.)
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huh? One's tastes arent always defined by their interests. For example, im into chicks with lots of ink and pale skin. But you'd never know that by looking at me. And what's wrong with candles and massage oil?
For that same 25 bucks you could cook her dinner and earn even more brownie points
This made me laugh. But in all seriousness, I'd ask her to pay for ONLY her half every once in a while. In my experiences, I've learned to always pick up my half of the bill.
Assuming that he knows how to cook anything aside from ramen and mac n cheese, yes. He is a student, after all.
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