Once your baby is born I have a feeling that you will be so in love that Magic will be the last thing on your mind! After a month or two though, each parent should be able to get one night a week to themselves. If only for sanity purposes.
You're having a kid. You won't be able to go to an FNM until after the meta has moved past *any* deck you buy and assemble now.
Part of having a kid is realising that for at least 18 YEARS you aren't doing ANYTHING without the kid in tow.
Fixed that for you
On topic, I think you've made the right choice. Your request wasn't unreasonable, but now is not the time to make a fuss about it. Raise the issue again once the baby is born, and once you realise what time you actually have available. I understand that the feeling of resentment comes from disappointment. As many other posters have mentioned, there are plenty of ways to keep up to date and play MtG for free and online. If your wife is concerned about the money and time away, these options are pretty good substitutes, and I think it's important that you show her your continued interest in this hobby. Don't treat it as a secret shame, be open about it, as long as the timing is appropriate.
. But I think the suggestion of us both having a Girls/Guys night out one night a week is a good one.
I don't speak from experience, but I have an older brother who is and this tends to work for them, course given his wife works nights and he gets stuck with the kid after work, it's a bit different.
Though to be honest, of all the hobbies to have, Magic/Card games is among the most manageable (this is also why you never sell ALL of your collection, no one ever leaves for good).
Nonetheless, congrats on the kid and I hope he/she is healthy.
LOL, half the responses are for those without girlfriends/spouses and the other half are from family guys. Anyhow, wait till she pops out the baby. Next, ENJOY the baby and after you guys get into your groove and the whole birthing hormones and emotions are spent out and you have put in diaper time, then pop the question. In the meantime, cockatrice and MTGO are valid options. Trust me bro, you won't be leaving the house for a few months lol. But it's an incredible experience. And for the one that was mentioning 18 years of a tag-along, I have a 9year old that goes to FNM with me every weekend and I love the experience. He beats me on a regular basis too. Best time of my life.
I actually don't see not playing magic as a very big or dramatic sacrifice, especially in the context of marriage/parenthood. Kinda insignificant compared to the other stuff that healthy marriage/parenthood requires, actually.
And OP seemed to suggest that he initially agreed to doing this in the first place. Being a man (especially a husband, but really, an adult at all) is far less about not having to ask permission to do things and much more about taking responsibility for the choices/commitments one has made. In the long run, "I don't care how you feel about it, I'm going to play Magic" is far worse for a marriage than agreeing together how to handle out-of-the-house hobbies.
When it is your only hobby, giving it up is indeed a big sacrifice. Because you are giving up your only outlet for personal entertainment. And it is critically important in any long term relationship, especially one with children, for each of the adults to have their own hobbies. And frankly, Magic is one of the best hobbies that you can have, because as long as you are even passably good at it, you will make more from it than you put into it. I've gotten in and out of Magic 3-4 times throughout my time playing it, and every time, when I sold my collection, it was worth more than I had put into it.
Also, as was earlier stated, when you completely give in on things like this, you are setting yourself up for alot of problems in the future
Perhaps you could just tell her your going to play magic and just leave. She gets mad and stays a few nights with her sister. Now you get even more time to play magic!
I want to preface this by saying that my wife and I haven't argued about this subject at all, as I have kept my feelings to myself.
^Your big mistake
You are in a committed relationship. Share your feelings, even if it turns into an argument, at least you'd kept her in the light. And I believe having fights in a relationship can lead to something constructive, or so all my female friends tell me =D
If you really want to fold and listen to your wife then just play Magic Online and invest your money there. At least you will be able to take care of your family and play MTG without having to leave the house or your child. I know a gentleman at my last store who got married and had to leave the MTG scene for a while because his wife did not want him to get involved in any hobby that would keep him away from the family. So he caved in and went to play Magic Online instead. His wife didn't seem to be bothered by that.
Also I think it was very considerate of you to ask your wife about your hobby investment into MTG but truthfully speaking -- and I'll be repeating what a lot of other people have said -- you should not have to ask permission from anybody about spending money on something you enjoy, especially something like MTG. You drop $100 on a RDW deck and play Magic...big friggin' deal. If the wife has a problem with you having one night out with the boys (or whoever you play with) just to play Magic and enjoy yourself then you really need to put your foot down and tell her how you feel. No sense in keeping your feelings a secret.
You are not getting any younger. Go out and have some fun. You can still be a good parent and husband while getting some "me" time in too.
The good news is your wife is extemely hormonal at this stage of pregnancy, and this will change after her hormones begin to normalise after birth (and post-natal emotional drama). As a father of 2, my experience has been that pregnancy means she will not be herself for a bit, so remember these times because later on you will laugh together about certain things that she won't even remember saying/doing/wanting.
Secondly, this may be a long-term change, and if it is, then you will need to have the "my time/my hobby" talk. Once your baby is here (gratz btw!) you will both need 'me time' in a hurry. I wouldn't sweat it. Maybe let her know that once your baby is here and you are settled into it a bit, you intend to dip your toes back into magic. Don't ask, inform- nicely. It was part of you when she married you and you already sacrificed the bulk of your hobby for the family out of necessity. Now it is a necessity for you that you get a little of it back for yourself.
1. Magic online is an option. Personally, I enjoy having the actual cards, but I've tried
MODO. It's great to have a game available almost any time, but I'm not that used to the
interface etc. Pauper format on MODO would be the cheapest way to play competitively. There's pauper rdw as well.
2. Getting into standard can be tough and a bit pricey. The metagame is always changing. Even the staples for RDW aren't that cheap, just look at thundermaw hellkite. I would recommend waiting on standard for a bit. There's also certain good times to get into standard. If you do get into standard, try to focus on Ravnica and the upcoming sets. All of innistrad block will be rotating next fall, but ravnica stuff will last for almost 2 years still.
3. The duels of the planeswalkers games are very cheap and can be fun. In the short term, it might give you your magic fix. You can customize the decks to a certain extent.
I would personally let the dust settle/ wait until your child is born before ruffling feathers.
4. How about drafting or sealed deck? To your wife, 100$ might sound like a lot (at this time) even though you can usually sell off the cards and recover some costs. Drafting
for a night or playing sealed is only say, 15$ or 20$. You get a night's entertainment out of it, plus you could slowly build your standard collection and do some trading for the deck you want.
5. Before the baby is born, you should probably chill out and try modo or duels of the planeswalkers in the short term. This is the safe route
6. This might not have to do with magic cards directly, but I personally think "fancy" baby clothes is the biggest waste of money ever. They grow so fast and brand names are pointless. If you need to save some budget, do it there. Sure they might look cute for one photo, but basically they are going to just spill food all over it / drool / "soil" it really fast.
7. I ran into this magic conversation w/ my girlfriend of 2 and a half years. When we met , I didn't play magic. I was on a long break, but still had all my old cards from way back. Then I picked up duels of the planeswalkers on steam for cheap, discovered that not only had the card design gotten better, but that I realized magic used to be one of my most fun hobbies. So I got back into it. She's not really a fan, doesn't want to learn to play etc. However, we have an agreement that I get one night out a week. She wasn't too keen on Friday night magic since that takes up a prime weekend night. Luckily my lgs has league play on sunday afternoons. She gets to do her Pilates or yoga while I play magic and have a few beers. It works out well, like a balanced relationship should.
Hope this helps, good luck with the baby and hope you get back into magic! (somehow)
His question was never "do I continue", but "how do I deal with feeling resentful when I don't want to". It's a tough question, and I admire the OP for having the honesty to notice his own feelings. Feelings aren't something controllable after all, they are the most unlogical things humans deal with.
I think the answer is this: The baby isn't even out, and 2 years is actually young for a relationship. Your going to have a kid for the next 18 years, and if you want more than one, then longer than that. This is a major change to your lifestyle already, but when that kid pops out, it will be worse.
Babies come with lots of things, 3 hours of sleep before the baby, who doesn't know better, requires food or changes, or burping. Major changes to the house and lifestyle, as babies get in everything and are more curious than cats. Babies are tough man, and the first 2 years are going to be time consuming and tough.
I don't even think she told you no. She said "not now", and I think she wants you to see this, as she is probably...uhm, not scared...concerned I guess? Yes, concerned with how this is just going to change everything.
I don't have a kid, and I can't naturally have a kid, but it's a dream of mine to at least adopt. I know that child raising is one of the toughest jobs, and I'm not saying you shouldn't have hobbies, but get into a routine with the baby, and then bring up the need for personal time. This sacrifice of...6 months might be enough, but I can't really tell you it will be...This time isn't for her, but for you. You may be totally willing to be a dad, but get to learn how it feels. Get to know how much time it will take, and how naturally dedicated you will be to it.
You feel this way now, but if you just wait a little bit, I don't think those feelings will stay the same. Once that baby comes out, you WILL feel dedicated to it, because that's just how us humans work.
Thank you for everyone who has posted advice for me in this particularly difficult time. Especially the immediate poster above, probably gave the best answer overall to my real problem.
I may try Magic Online, but overall I think I look forward to becoming a father the most and just thinking about the baby and all the things I want to do with my son once he's old enough might be able to tie me over my need for Magic. Who knows, I hear teaching your kid Magic helps them be more proficient at reading comprehension and critical thinking, so it may be something we can do together someday.
Thank you again, I appreciate all the device. Even the ones that suggest divorce, I got a good chuckle out of those.
I'm a full time preschool teacher. Though that doesn't make me an authority on couples or babies, I do interact with both on a daily basis. I see lots of young couples with single children and it's a lot of work.
If you've never had a baby before, then it's really hard to know what's coming, but you need to first realize exactly how much time you will need to dedicate to the child. At this moment, if you haven't been involved in magic in recent years, it's really not worth getting back into. You need to see how altered your life as it is at this moment will be once the child comes into the picture, and you'll realize that you simply probably will not have time to take up a new hobby.
Of course the great thing about kids is that they become more independent as they get older, and before you know it, you'll be teaching your kid how to play Magic.
But right now I'd say listen to your wife. you don't want her feeling any stress during this time. You also don't want anything diverting your attention.
If you really want to flex your wings a little, I'd suggest downloading Cockatrice and give your deck a spin, see how it feels. But really, you should be putting your mental efforts into preparing for the child. It'll be a lot of work, but it will also be it's own kind of Magic.
Congrats on almost becoming a father, and good luck.
OP, you're in an interesting place in your relationship because the stakes might be perceived to be higher. For someone recently married, any specific disagreement might appear to have far-reaching consequences. i.e., "If I give in to her now, will I never get my way ever again?" Or even "Will I never get to play Magic ever again?"
And becoming new a new parent might lead to similar thoughts. i.e., "Is he going to prefer his hobbies to being a father to our child?"
You both love each other and committed to spending the rest of your lives together - so it's probably ok to trust that these worst-case scenarios won't happen.
Before he was born we went through some really hard times financially. That meant that both of us gave up a lot of things, including Magic the Gathering (me that is, not her.) Fast forward to now and we're doing a lot better financially, but things can still be tight. She has often disliked the idea of me spending money on cards, but she's never stopped me because at the end of the day I always make sure that we have money for our expenses first.
The thing is, your wife is probably nervous about time management as much as she is about money management. Stressing that this hobby is not going to grow to a point where you are dropping hundreds of dollars into it is key; sticking to that is critical, however very difficult. The other side, the time management side, is where you are going to have to do the most work to convince her that you should be able to pick this hobby back up.
Having a new baby is a lot of work, but not half as much work as people try to make it out to be. You are going to have to sacrifice a lot of time and energy in the early months however. My suggestion to you? Hold off getting back into it; wait until your baby is born, see how she a) handles the baby situation, and b) how you handle it. Let her see first hand that the nightmare of having a child isn't half as bad as it might seem.
The biggest thing is seeing how she handles being a mother though; women go through a lot of things, emotional and physical, when a baby is born, and post pardum is a real thing. You need to show her that you are with her 100 percent, card game or no. Time will win out for you, and I guarantee six months or so into your kid being born, you will have the time and money to pick the game up again.
Got bored one night when they kids were little, taught them how to play. It's fun to play a round of Commander or something after work sometimes and just talk about the day.
Wife's expression was fairly classic later that night, "You just had to teach them didn't you?"
"Been planning it for years, had to leave the cards to someone after I died."
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The biggest thing is seeing how she handles being a mother though; women go through a lot of things, emotional and physical, when a baby is born, and post pardum is a real thing. You need to show her that you are with her 100 percent, card game or no. Time will win out for you, and I guarantee six months or so into your kid being born, you will have the time and money to pick the game up again.
Oh yes this very much. You must keep a close eye on your wife after birth. The can go into depression, be very irritable, you actually have to be nicer during this time than during pregnancy.
btw: Congrats scott, I have 2 now a 17 month old boy and a 11 day old boy!
Is there anything I can do to get out of this? Either by finding a way to accept that I can never play Magic again or somehow convince my wife that it's not going to affect my time with her or the baby?
Here is how you convince your wife.
First figure out how much money you spend in 4 areas
1) Mandatory spending(Rent)
2) Discretionary spending things that you both need/want equally(Food, gas, baby's needs)
3) Discretionary spending spent on her(excessive Clothes/make-up and anything else that she buys that isn't necessary for her job and only she wants/needs)
4) Discretionary spending spent on you(Things you buy that she doesn't want need spent on you.
Chances are if you spend much more on 3 then 4. If true use that to convince her that you need to balance this out and that is where your MTG budget will come from. If she isn't a toxic women this should be fairly easy.
Secondly, convince her you both need time and space to yourselves which you do e.g. guys/girls night out suggested early. But, at the same time reassure her your not going anywhere. Pregnant women have a naturally elevated level when it comes to fear of abandonment. So you talk to her now, but you might wanna put off actually playing for awhile.
"I have no idea what it's like not to be a straight white male, and the experiences of others are irrelevant." -Conservative Motto
Calling someone a Commie is flaming and must be stopped, but turning the word Conservative into a loaded pejorative and using it over and over again is perfectly acceptable.
Well, you made the first mistake not broaching the topic up front. You have every right to have hobbies you enjoy. Unless the hobby takes so much time and/or money where it would endanger your ability to be with or provide for your family, you are allowed to do anything you want.
Your second mistake is bottling up your feelings and acquiescing to someone elses demands. That's an uneven relationship, and those are never fun.
You should talk to your wife, tell her how you feel, and tell her what you are going to do. Spending a little $$ and going to to FNM one night a week is not going to destroy your ability to be a husband or father or pay the mortgage. Her concerns are unwarranted, and you are making a mistake by legitimatizing them. Stuff like
Her concerns are legitimate, wanting to have money for the baby, for ourselves, she wouldn't want me spending less time with her or the baby, even if it's just one Friday evening a week.
Is bollucks, pure and simple. Everyone deserves time to do what they like. If she can't deal with you being out one night a week, then that's an issue. Either she is a control freak, or has some codepency issues going on.
Do I force a hobby into our life despite my wife's protests and just let her deal with it for the sake of having my own "Me" time?
Yes. If your wife loves you, she should be concerned with your happiness too. Spending $100 and going out one night a week is completely in the realm of reasonable things for married guys to do.
What you should have done was made this clear in the very beginning. When I was dating my now wife, and I sensed the relationship was going somewhere, I sat her down and told her that I enjoy playing Magic, I enjoy playing poker, I enjoy playing D&D, and I fully intend to keep doing those things, so she needs to be completely OK with that. She was, we've been married 10 years now, have a 6 year old son, and I still play MTG every Friday, go on 2 day casino trips with my buddies, and have D&D day every month.
If I were you, I would sit my wife down and say "Honey, I know I promised to give up Magic, but I didn't realize how much much I would miss it, and I want to start playing again. I won't spend more on cards than I can afford on a hobby, and I won't spend too much time away from the house but this is important to me."
Listen to her concerns, try and address them, but in the end, stand up for your rights to have a hobby and some me time every week. It's also a two way street, if she wants to have a weekly "girls night out" with her friends, then you got the kid that night, and you tell her to have a good time.
Well, you made the first mistake not broaching the topic up front. You have every right to have hobbies you enjoy. Unless the hobby takes so much time and/or money where it would endanger your ability to be with or provide for your family, you are allowed to do anything you want.
Your second mistake is bottling up your feelings and acquiescing to someone elses demands. That's an uneven relationship, and those are never fun.
You should talk to your wife, tell her how you feel, and tell her what you are going to do. Spending a little $$ and going to to FNM one night a week is not going to destroy your ability to be a husband or father or pay the mortgage. Her concerns are unwarranted, and you are making a mistake by legitimatizing them. Stuff like
Is bollucks, pure and simple. Everyone deserves time to do what they like. If she can't deal with you being out one night a week, then that's an issue. Either she is a control freak, or has some codepency issues going on.
Yes. If your wife loves you, she should be concerned with your happiness too. Spending $100 and going out one night a week is completely in the realm of reasonable things for married guys to do.
What you should have done was made this clear in the very beginning. When I was dating my now wife, and I sensed the relationship was going somewhere, I sat her down and told her that I enjoy playing Magic, I enjoy playing poker, I enjoy playing D&D, and I fully intend to keep doing those things, so she needs to be completely OK with that. She was, we've been married 10 years now, have a 6 year old son, and I still play MTG every Friday, go on 2 day casino trips with my buddies, and have D&D day every month.
If I were you, I would sit my wife down and say "Honey, I know I promised to give up Magic, but I didn't realize how much much I would miss it, and I want to start playing again. I won't spend more on cards than I can afford on a hobby, and I won't spend too much time away from the house but this is important to me."
Listen to her concerns, try and address them, but in the end, stand up for your rights to have a hobby and some me time every week. It's also a two way street, if she wants to have a weekly "girls night out" with her friends, then you got the kid that night, and you tell her to have a good time.
Agreed. I use FNM as my "cooldown" time. It enables me to blow off some steam from the work week, and interact with friends, who I don't otherwise see (working 4 12 hour shifts can do that to you). 10 Dollars a week for a therapuetic gaming session, my wife is all for that.
My first advice would have been to not get real-life advice from Magic players, who are notoriously manic, introverted, eccentric, poorly adjusted to convention..
However, I'm pleasantly surprised to read some good advice in this thread.
I will +1 the "guy's night out" system, but not until a few months after the baby is born.
As a father, I do think we temporarily forfeit this luxury. One could argue that leisure time with our peers is healthy and such, but I really feel that argument is just a disguise for self serving motives. Your escape hatch right now is the internet and movies, NOT the tavern or lgs.
I will +1 the "guy's night out" system, but not until a few months after the baby is born.
As a father, I do think we temporarily forfeit this luxury. One could argue that leisure time with our peers is healthy and such, but I really feel that argument is just a disguise for self serving motives. Your escape hatch right now is the internet and movies, NOT the tavern or lgs.
This is true, and as I said in my initial post it is really important, essensial even, to be there in the supportive and active father/husband role. She is going to need you like you've never been needed by anyone in your entire life, not just to be there to help change diapers or rock the baby to sleep either, but for emotional support, stability, and security. If you are off every Friday night at FNM and she is at home alone with the baby, every other night she feels secure, Friday she feels alone. Friday overrides every other night. That sounds insane, but it is true. You really have to be there 100 percent for her during those first few critical months. As you both get into the swing of parenting, you are going to get back into old routines and have more time to yourself, but early on? You just have to knuckledown and stay home. It isn't a death sentence, and it gets better.
Part of having a kid is realising that for at least a few months you aren't doing ANYTHING without the kid in tow.
Fixed that for you
On topic, I think you've made the right choice. Your request wasn't unreasonable, but now is not the time to make a fuss about it. Raise the issue again once the baby is born, and once you realise what time you actually have available. I understand that the feeling of resentment comes from disappointment. As many other posters have mentioned, there are plenty of ways to keep up to date and play MtG for free and online. If your wife is concerned about the money and time away, these options are pretty good substitutes, and I think it's important that you show her your continued interest in this hobby. Don't treat it as a secret shame, be open about it, as long as the timing is appropriate.
I don't speak from experience, but I have an older brother who is and this tends to work for them, course given his wife works nights and he gets stuck with the kid after work, it's a bit different.
Though to be honest, of all the hobbies to have, Magic/Card games is among the most manageable (this is also why you never sell ALL of your collection, no one ever leaves for good).
Nonetheless, congrats on the kid and I hope he/she is healthy.
When it is your only hobby, giving it up is indeed a big sacrifice. Because you are giving up your only outlet for personal entertainment. And it is critically important in any long term relationship, especially one with children, for each of the adults to have their own hobbies. And frankly, Magic is one of the best hobbies that you can have, because as long as you are even passably good at it, you will make more from it than you put into it. I've gotten in and out of Magic 3-4 times throughout my time playing it, and every time, when I sold my collection, it was worth more than I had put into it.
Also, as was earlier stated, when you completely give in on things like this, you are setting yourself up for alot of problems in the future
And yes, I am not married.
^Your big mistake
You are in a committed relationship. Share your feelings, even if it turns into an argument, at least you'd kept her in the light. And I believe having fights in a relationship can lead to something constructive, or so all my female friends tell me =D
Also I think it was very considerate of you to ask your wife about your hobby investment into MTG but truthfully speaking -- and I'll be repeating what a lot of other people have said -- you should not have to ask permission from anybody about spending money on something you enjoy, especially something like MTG. You drop $100 on a RDW deck and play Magic...big friggin' deal. If the wife has a problem with you having one night out with the boys (or whoever you play with) just to play Magic and enjoy yourself then you really need to put your foot down and tell her how you feel. No sense in keeping your feelings a secret.
You are not getting any younger. Go out and have some fun. You can still be a good parent and husband while getting some "me" time in too.
Secondly, this may be a long-term change, and if it is, then you will need to have the "my time/my hobby" talk. Once your baby is here (gratz btw!) you will both need 'me time' in a hurry. I wouldn't sweat it. Maybe let her know that once your baby is here and you are settled into it a bit, you intend to dip your toes back into magic. Don't ask, inform- nicely. It was part of you when she married you and you already sacrificed the bulk of your hobby for the family out of necessity. Now it is a necessity for you that you get a little of it back for yourself.
1. Magic online is an option. Personally, I enjoy having the actual cards, but I've tried
MODO. It's great to have a game available almost any time, but I'm not that used to the
interface etc. Pauper format on MODO would be the cheapest way to play competitively. There's pauper rdw as well.
2. Getting into standard can be tough and a bit pricey. The metagame is always changing. Even the staples for RDW aren't that cheap, just look at thundermaw hellkite. I would recommend waiting on standard for a bit. There's also certain good times to get into standard. If you do get into standard, try to focus on Ravnica and the upcoming sets. All of innistrad block will be rotating next fall, but ravnica stuff will last for almost 2 years still.
3. The duels of the planeswalkers games are very cheap and can be fun. In the short term, it might give you your magic fix. You can customize the decks to a certain extent.
I would personally let the dust settle/ wait until your child is born before ruffling feathers.
4. How about drafting or sealed deck? To your wife, 100$ might sound like a lot (at this time) even though you can usually sell off the cards and recover some costs. Drafting
for a night or playing sealed is only say, 15$ or 20$. You get a night's entertainment out of it, plus you could slowly build your standard collection and do some trading for the deck you want.
5. Before the baby is born, you should probably chill out and try modo or duels of the planeswalkers in the short term. This is the safe route
6. This might not have to do with magic cards directly, but I personally think "fancy" baby clothes is the biggest waste of money ever. They grow so fast and brand names are pointless. If you need to save some budget, do it there. Sure they might look cute for one photo, but basically they are going to just spill food all over it / drool / "soil" it really fast.
7. I ran into this magic conversation w/ my girlfriend of 2 and a half years. When we met , I didn't play magic. I was on a long break, but still had all my old cards from way back. Then I picked up duels of the planeswalkers on steam for cheap, discovered that not only had the card design gotten better, but that I realized magic used to be one of my most fun hobbies. So I got back into it. She's not really a fan, doesn't want to learn to play etc. However, we have an agreement that I get one night out a week. She wasn't too keen on Friday night magic since that takes up a prime weekend night. Luckily my lgs has league play on sunday afternoons. She gets to do her Pilates or yoga while I play magic and have a few beers. It works out well, like a balanced relationship should.
Hope this helps, good luck with the baby and hope you get back into magic! (somehow)
EDH Decks
RGMarhault Elsdragon (A Touch of Rampage)RG
GWTrostani, Early Bird (Wurm Tribal)GW
RWAgrus Kos, Bumbat Drinkin' BadassRW
RDiaochan, Hateful BeautyR
His question was never "do I continue", but "how do I deal with feeling resentful when I don't want to". It's a tough question, and I admire the OP for having the honesty to notice his own feelings. Feelings aren't something controllable after all, they are the most unlogical things humans deal with.
I think the answer is this: The baby isn't even out, and 2 years is actually young for a relationship. Your going to have a kid for the next 18 years, and if you want more than one, then longer than that. This is a major change to your lifestyle already, but when that kid pops out, it will be worse.
Babies come with lots of things, 3 hours of sleep before the baby, who doesn't know better, requires food or changes, or burping. Major changes to the house and lifestyle, as babies get in everything and are more curious than cats. Babies are tough man, and the first 2 years are going to be time consuming and tough.
I don't even think she told you no. She said "not now", and I think she wants you to see this, as she is probably...uhm, not scared...concerned I guess? Yes, concerned with how this is just going to change everything.
I don't have a kid, and I can't naturally have a kid, but it's a dream of mine to at least adopt. I know that child raising is one of the toughest jobs, and I'm not saying you shouldn't have hobbies, but get into a routine with the baby, and then bring up the need for personal time. This sacrifice of...6 months might be enough, but I can't really tell you it will be...This time isn't for her, but for you. You may be totally willing to be a dad, but get to learn how it feels. Get to know how much time it will take, and how naturally dedicated you will be to it.
You feel this way now, but if you just wait a little bit, I don't think those feelings will stay the same. Once that baby comes out, you WILL feel dedicated to it, because that's just how us humans work.
I may try Magic Online, but overall I think I look forward to becoming a father the most and just thinking about the baby and all the things I want to do with my son once he's old enough might be able to tie me over my need for Magic. Who knows, I hear teaching your kid Magic helps them be more proficient at reading comprehension and critical thinking, so it may be something we can do together someday.
Thank you again, I appreciate all the device. Even the ones that suggest divorce, I got a good chuckle out of those.
If you've never had a baby before, then it's really hard to know what's coming, but you need to first realize exactly how much time you will need to dedicate to the child. At this moment, if you haven't been involved in magic in recent years, it's really not worth getting back into. You need to see how altered your life as it is at this moment will be once the child comes into the picture, and you'll realize that you simply probably will not have time to take up a new hobby.
Of course the great thing about kids is that they become more independent as they get older, and before you know it, you'll be teaching your kid how to play Magic.
But right now I'd say listen to your wife. you don't want her feeling any stress during this time. You also don't want anything diverting your attention.
If you really want to flex your wings a little, I'd suggest downloading Cockatrice and give your deck a spin, see how it feels. But really, you should be putting your mental efforts into preparing for the child. It'll be a lot of work, but it will also be it's own kind of Magic.
Congrats on almost becoming a father, and good luck.
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And becoming new a new parent might lead to similar thoughts. i.e., "Is he going to prefer his hobbies to being a father to our child?"
You both love each other and committed to spending the rest of your lives together - so it's probably ok to trust that these worst-case scenarios won't happen.
Before he was born we went through some really hard times financially. That meant that both of us gave up a lot of things, including Magic the Gathering (me that is, not her.) Fast forward to now and we're doing a lot better financially, but things can still be tight. She has often disliked the idea of me spending money on cards, but she's never stopped me because at the end of the day I always make sure that we have money for our expenses first.
The thing is, your wife is probably nervous about time management as much as she is about money management. Stressing that this hobby is not going to grow to a point where you are dropping hundreds of dollars into it is key; sticking to that is critical, however very difficult. The other side, the time management side, is where you are going to have to do the most work to convince her that you should be able to pick this hobby back up.
Having a new baby is a lot of work, but not half as much work as people try to make it out to be. You are going to have to sacrifice a lot of time and energy in the early months however. My suggestion to you? Hold off getting back into it; wait until your baby is born, see how she a) handles the baby situation, and b) how you handle it. Let her see first hand that the nightmare of having a child isn't half as bad as it might seem.
The biggest thing is seeing how she handles being a mother though; women go through a lot of things, emotional and physical, when a baby is born, and post pardum is a real thing. You need to show her that you are with her 100 percent, card game or no. Time will win out for you, and I guarantee six months or so into your kid being born, you will have the time and money to pick the game up again.
Wife's expression was fairly classic later that night, "You just had to teach them didn't you?"
"Been planning it for years, had to leave the cards to someone after I died."
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Oh yes this very much. You must keep a close eye on your wife after birth. The can go into depression, be very irritable, you actually have to be nicer during this time than during pregnancy.
btw: Congrats scott, I have 2 now a 17 month old boy and a 11 day old boy!
Here is how you convince your wife.
First figure out how much money you spend in 4 areas
1) Mandatory spending(Rent)
2) Discretionary spending things that you both need/want equally(Food, gas, baby's needs)
3) Discretionary spending spent on her(excessive Clothes/make-up and anything else that she buys that isn't necessary for her job and only she wants/needs)
4) Discretionary spending spent on you(Things you buy that she doesn't want need spent on you.
Chances are if you spend much more on 3 then 4. If true use that to convince her that you need to balance this out and that is where your MTG budget will come from. If she isn't a toxic women this should be fairly easy.
Secondly, convince her you both need time and space to yourselves which you do e.g. guys/girls night out suggested early. But, at the same time reassure her your not going anywhere. Pregnant women have a naturally elevated level when it comes to fear of abandonment. So you talk to her now, but you might wanna put off actually playing for awhile.
edit: and take Valarin's advice in the future.
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Your second mistake is bottling up your feelings and acquiescing to someone elses demands. That's an uneven relationship, and those are never fun.
You should talk to your wife, tell her how you feel, and tell her what you are going to do. Spending a little $$ and going to to FNM one night a week is not going to destroy your ability to be a husband or father or pay the mortgage. Her concerns are unwarranted, and you are making a mistake by legitimatizing them. Stuff like
Is bollucks, pure and simple. Everyone deserves time to do what they like. If she can't deal with you being out one night a week, then that's an issue. Either she is a control freak, or has some codepency issues going on.
Yes. If your wife loves you, she should be concerned with your happiness too. Spending $100 and going out one night a week is completely in the realm of reasonable things for married guys to do.
What you should have done was made this clear in the very beginning. When I was dating my now wife, and I sensed the relationship was going somewhere, I sat her down and told her that I enjoy playing Magic, I enjoy playing poker, I enjoy playing D&D, and I fully intend to keep doing those things, so she needs to be completely OK with that. She was, we've been married 10 years now, have a 6 year old son, and I still play MTG every Friday, go on 2 day casino trips with my buddies, and have D&D day every month.
If I were you, I would sit my wife down and say "Honey, I know I promised to give up Magic, but I didn't realize how much much I would miss it, and I want to start playing again. I won't spend more on cards than I can afford on a hobby, and I won't spend too much time away from the house but this is important to me."
Listen to her concerns, try and address them, but in the end, stand up for your rights to have a hobby and some me time every week. It's also a two way street, if she wants to have a weekly "girls night out" with her friends, then you got the kid that night, and you tell her to have a good time.
Agreed. I use FNM as my "cooldown" time. It enables me to blow off some steam from the work week, and interact with friends, who I don't otherwise see (working 4 12 hour shifts can do that to you). 10 Dollars a week for a therapuetic gaming session, my wife is all for that.
However, I'm pleasantly surprised to read some good advice in this thread.
I will +1 the "guy's night out" system, but not until a few months after the baby is born.
As a father, I do think we temporarily forfeit this luxury. One could argue that leisure time with our peers is healthy and such, but I really feel that argument is just a disguise for self serving motives. Your escape hatch right now is the internet and movies, NOT the tavern or lgs.
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This is true, and as I said in my initial post it is really important, essensial even, to be there in the supportive and active father/husband role. She is going to need you like you've never been needed by anyone in your entire life, not just to be there to help change diapers or rock the baby to sleep either, but for emotional support, stability, and security. If you are off every Friday night at FNM and she is at home alone with the baby, every other night she feels secure, Friday she feels alone. Friday overrides every other night. That sounds insane, but it is true. You really have to be there 100 percent for her during those first few critical months. As you both get into the swing of parenting, you are going to get back into old routines and have more time to yourself, but early on? You just have to knuckledown and stay home. It isn't a death sentence, and it gets better.