A little bit about myself before I get into it. I am 25 and live at home with my parents so I can help take care of my sick mother whom has Multiple Sclerosis (MS). I have been doing this for the last 12 years since she was first diagnosed with this illness.
So lately I have been noticing a few things about what is going on in my life, this has mostly been about how I have no life and how it has been me who has systematically done this to myself. I won't get into any of the real specifics or my usual stupid emotion full drivel, but for the few who don't know or didn't want to remember my biggest issue is my sick mother who has multiple sclerosis, I stay home to help take care of her as the need arises, which has been quite frequently lately. I find myself wanting to reinvent myself as a person, but my home life and no car find myself hard pressed to do much about it, not to mention certain mental and emotional hangups that keep me from even attempting such things.
On to my quandary for this particular situation. I have been finding myself thinking just how I can experience life, how to have a life as it were. I ask myself these types of questions to myself quite often and the answer, to me at least, should be something I should know by now. I should know how to experience life, but for some reason I do not.
I recently made the joke to myself that life for me is much like how high school algebra was for a good majority of my class mates. No matter how much I tutored, showed, explained, walked them through step by step, and even doing the problems for them they could not grasp something as simple as the order you solve problems (multiplication/division then addition/subtraction as an example) and ultimately giving up with something along the lines of "I won't be able to get this." I am finding that life itself is much in the same way as my old classmates, while also finding it sort of ironic that math comes so easily to me while life is a mystery when it was the complete opposite for most everyone at my high school.
Now I know what you may be thinking of telling me "Just go out and do it", and I would agree, if not for the fact that I would answer "How?" because I have no clue on how to do that. I know that life is a huge mystery to damn near close to everyone, but it seems to me that I am having much more trouble than the average person at even grasping the idea of how to experience life. I am finding this particularly true as my emotions and mental standings with many things have been the Wankavator at the end of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, where it goes in all directions. I also find myself lately to be forgetting even the things that I am looking forward to.
In all honesty also this post alone I thought of for two weeks to make sure I didn't get all depressey and whiney to not piss any more of you off.
So I guess that since I have explained what is current dilemma and since I didn't actually ask anything I guess my best questions to all of you would be.....how did you figure this out? What do you do that makes you "experience life"? What would you folks suggest for someone like me that is stuck at home and with no car. Am I making it harder then it really is or could there easily be something wrong with me?
First thing is, you're shouldering too much burden that needs to be divided up between different peoples and caretakers. The division of labor exists so we each share a burden for a person, not shoulder the entire things ourselves. You're not an old man with a huge family to rely caring for his sick wife and a lot of savings to be able to afford healthcare.
As such she's your mother, and lessening the burden on yourself and increasing the burden onto other persons would be a large step forward. This would allow you to reallocate time to other places.
The other major pressing point is to have some sort of counseling and guidance through that period, there's support groups and the like to talk with people who struggle and their caregivers. This would at least give you a pool to draw on for experience, as well as counseling for yourself on dealing with the emotional side of the equation.
As for everything else as any sort of caregiver, whether you're a parent or whatever, you need to take yourself first to be an effective leader. It seems that you realize this, and are looking for help and are unsure where to turn.
You also need to realize that 26 is the average age that most young adults get married, which leads to a point that you're not on a normal trajectory in life at all. "I don't get it, I don't understand."
In part, you probably are making it harder than anything has to be, but it's also a difficult challenge to be a caretaker of any sort. You have to divide up your life and be very good at time management and handling peoples. You have little time to yourself as compared to other people who are not caretakers.
The place to begin is to make a plan, get counseling, find people who are in the same situation that you are/were in, and then make gradual changes over time. At the same time, there are ways to find better forms of work and the like. There are places that you can work at home, or engage in starting a business yourself and organizations such as SCORE and the like that can help along those lines. Schooling is easier and can be done via the computer, there are organizations like EdX that can help with training. There are different ways to go, the question is "What do you want to become?"
Ask yourself a basic question, "What I am I and what do I want to become?"
Then get the necessary team around you and your problems to begin to solve and mitigate the toxicity of those problems. The point is to find a way, but if you have no goals than you have no nothing. Generic flim-flam "I just wanna better life" gets you no where real fast, as your resolve is weak and plans will become soiled like a paper tiger in rain.
Your identity is caught up in your caregiver role, and you seem to want more which is healthy for a young man of your age. The question is to what scale and how to channel that ambition and want for more.
Frankly, problems like this are like a Rubik's Cube and the solutions over time can and will look in retrospect like a Rube Goldberg Machine. Often change, depending on what sort you want, is brutal, emotionally difficult, and requires much sacrifice. You're in a comfort zone, and breaking out of that comfort zone.
Now you say your good at math, that's a valuable skill whenever placed into the proper context and there are well paid jobs such as engineers or mathematicians or skilled laborer that can allow you to have the money to do as you please.
I would highly suggest talking to a mental health professional as a point to stand out on. The other would be to make sure you're making time for yourself right now outside of the home. A day in which you get out of your world, and do "other things." That's a small step, if you want to go out with a young man or woman then do so.
You're in a difficult position without enough help, and you're in over your head. Seek proper help. Find solutions to your immediate problems. There are charity organizations and government assistance for transportation. Then find solutions to medium problems. Then find solutions to long term dreams. Connect the dots where you can to accomplish more than one thing at a time.
It will be hard, it will take years and even decades depending on the severity, but worth it when you begin to change your situation. This doesn't mean on day one, but over time you will see those glimmers of light as the wall begins to crack.
Private Mod Note
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Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Ambition must be made to counteract ambition.
Individualities may form communities, but it is institutions alone that can create a nation.
Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
Here is my principle: Taxes shall be levied according to ability to pay. That is the only American principle.
As Captain Morgan said, it's unfair for you to shoulder so much of the responsibility for caring for you mother. You've missed out on a lot of social development in that time, and I find it hard to believe that there is no one else who can share the load with you so that you can get out there and start having a life.*
In order to talk some more, there is a good deal of additional information I'd need:
Do you have a degree? Do you have a job/career path you are pursuing? Are you earning a steady income?
Why don't you have a vehicle? Is there a family vehicle you just can't use reliably? Do you have easy access to public transportation?
Are you aware you can get a car for relatively little? It wouldn't be nice, by any stretch of the imagination, but a used car can be a good first step towards independence. And there is a certain amount of charm to be had with your crappy first car.
I'm going to echo a lot of Captain Morgan's advice here to avoid an overly long post. What you need is someone who can help you address your issues, whatever they are. But in terms of 'getting a life', I'll let you know about what my friend with social anxiety did.
The first thing is that he regularly sees a therapist. When you have little confidence in yourself and no real-world experience, it's good to have someone who can guide you through it.
The second thing is that he got a job and became financially independent from his parents. He still lives at home, but he pays rent, pays his own insurance, etc.
The third thing is that, with the confidence from the above two, he slowly started going to social gatherings outside of his comfort zone. Whether you recognize it or not, it's very doubtful in the age of Facebook that you have no access to social events. Start mending those bridges. Start reconnecting with the people you have gradually lost over time. It can be hard to take the first step, but it can be as simple as texting one of the people you used to hang out with, and seeing if they wanted to hang out. Start small and work your way up.
And also recognize there is no objective measure of 'having a life'. I frequently think of myself as having no life, but I'm engaged, I do martial arts, I'm a volunteer firefighter, I go to the gym, I hang out with my close friends and occasionally old friends. Most people don't recognize themselves as 'having a life', even when they are particularly active, simply because it becomes routine. So just start small with small social activities, and work your way up.
And I'll reiterate that finding someone to talk to about your depression and your issues will help (as there is no way you could have been taking care of your mom for 12 years to the detriment of your social life without developing issues and hang-ups). Just don't become dependent on outside help, you are ultimately the one that has to carry the momentum of your own life.
*Edit: I'm not saying abandon your mother, I'm saying being her caretaker can't be the only thing you do in life. You can help take care of her and have a life, but if you miss out on life because of her, there are generations of your family missing out - you, because by the time you no longer need to care for her, you would have missed out on years of opportunities and most likely be in a bad economic situation, making it harder for your children to succeed.
I recently made the joke to myself that life for me is much like how high school algebra was for a good majority of my class mates. No matter how much I tutored, showed, explained, walked them through step by step, and even doing the problems for them they could not grasp something as simple as the order you solve problems (multiplication/division then addition/subtraction as an example) and ultimately giving up with something along the lines of "I won't be able to get this." I am finding that life itself is much in the same way as my old classmates, while also finding it sort of ironic that math comes so easily to me while life is a mystery when it was the complete opposite for most everyone at my high school.
So follow your analogy.
You are good at math, others were bad. The people that were bad got help, tutoring, did extra work, and made an effort to get good at it.
You are bad at being social. So get help,m get a tutor, do extra work, and make an effort to get good at it.
People who were bad at math turned to you for help. Turn to people you know with good social skills and ask them to help you.
I don't see what a car has to do with this though, unless you live in a very remote village. Most friends of mine and I use bikes to travel around for 99% of our needs. To get to other countries, I use the place, for distant travels within the country I use the train. Only when someone moves or something we do rent a car for a weekend.
American transportation systems suck ass anything beyond major cities. The populations are often far flung, and in certain areas of the country only the county capitals (municipality->county->state->federal) are the only major city in the area. Even for suburbia most major investments were into the highway system.
If you have any interest into how complex this is look no farther than Robert Caro's The Power Broker: Robert Moses and the Fall of New York as a litmus test to how the car culture was started.
In short, in most of the nation unless if you have a car or access to a car, you're screwed. There are some people who have to drive to a bus terminal to go to work as well.
Private Mod Note
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Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Ambition must be made to counteract ambition.
Individualities may form communities, but it is institutions alone that can create a nation.
Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
Here is my principle: Taxes shall be levied according to ability to pay. That is the only American principle.
It will be hard, it will take years and even decades depending on the severity, but worth it when you begin to change your situation. This doesn't mean on day one, but over time you will see those glimmers of light as the wall begins to crack.
I will have to agree with a lot of what you are saying. This past year has been rather difficult for me especially, broke up with my first girlfriend (6 month relationship that was fully online from start to finish with me never meeting her) at the beginning of the year, I small mental break down and I tried to kill myself which was from part of the break up and mostly about my life, second relationship (also online only, but for only 3 weeks) ended, lost the small part time job I had because of that little break down, and this situation with my mother has only gotten worse. Quite recently I needed to miss an entire week of school, which caused me to get kicked out of my classes (got back in them though) and me and my family were accused of physically and verbally abusing her, but as that was not true and the nurse was the cause of the bruises on her she was quickly fired.
There have been some good things, but this was definitely not my year.
So, basically, I started seeing a psychologist, both at school and outside at different periods, but that needed to be stopped for transportation reasons during the winter.
Do you have a degree? Do you have a job/career path you are pursuing? Are you earning a steady income?
Degree? Not yet, I am currently going to school for an associates degree right now, in art, but that is because that is where most of my classes transferred to from my last school. Only 4 more classes left and I should get it by the summer.
Job? No, last one I had was back in the summer before my little break down. Something about what I did just didn't make me feel comfortable there anymore and I didn't want people checking up on me every time I used a box cutter.
Career? No. Right now I am unsure as to what I really want. The video game industry I love, but I only know the basics of programming. I used to love to draw, but I had a rather poor art teacher in high school and every time I go to I hear her in my head saying nothing I do is good enough. I have plenty of ideas for stories and things of that sort, but my talents in a lot of areas are, at best, average so I have close to made myself think I am only good at having ideas. I have quite a few interests, mostly nerdy ones, but a little too afraid to start on anything.
Income? Only from the grants I get from my school every semester, which isn't a whole lot left over after books.
Why don't you have a vehicle? Is there a family vehicle you just can't use reliably? Do you have easy access to public transportation?
I actually just got my license this past summer (at 24). I went through a car accident when I was about 5 and although it wasn't horrible something about it left a mark and I never wanted to go through that again. Or it could be that I heard the fireman say, when he got to the car, if it was okay to take my mom's legs........I know they wouldn't say that, but I swear that is what I heard. Mostly I didn't want to be the reason an accident happens, I am not all that positive and quick to think of the worst possible things that can happen.
The only car in the family is the one my step-dad uses for work and he is gone from 10 a.m. to 10 p.m., so there isn't a whole lot of use there for me. I was actually given the chance to fix the old car, but it is a $1000 fix and I don't have the type of money for insurance, let alone gas.
My normal transportation is my bike. If it is within 10 miles I have no problem biking too it and was a good way of losing weight while I was exercising during the summer. I even did a 45 mile trip down to my home town last year, also when I got a little suicidey because of what happened there when I was 4. I was planning on doing a 90 mile one this year, but weather stopped me and I definitely wasn't ready for 90. I am 300+ lbs. and it was a way for me to lose weight. Was basically biking 10+ miles 4-5 times a week.
Public transportation is actually quite available to me. I have two different set of bus lines, one that goes into Cleveland and another just for the general area I live in, which is how I get to classes, although some of the routes still leave some areas a little inaccessible to me during the winter season.
The third thing is that, with the confidence from the above two, he slowly started going to social gatherings outside of his comfort zone. Whether you recognize it or not, it's very doubtful in the age of Facebook that you have no access to social events. Start mending those bridges. Start reconnecting with the people you have gradually lost over time. It can be hard to take the first step, but it can be as simple as texting one of the people you used to hang out with, and seeing if they wanted to hang out. Start small and work your way up.
Even with Facebook my social habits on there only account to talking to my only friend I physically am able to do things with and my immediate family. All old friends are just that, just people I helped pretty much pass high school. Although one asked if I wanted to do something, but when he asked I couldn't even get away from the house. Even then I wasn't invited to anything and now I am definitely not. Back then I didn't have a cell phone, nor any of them that really wanted to talk to me outside of school, basically only to use me for my homework that day.
And I'll reiterate that finding someone to talk to about your depression and your issues will help (as there is no way you could have been taking care of your mom for 12 years to the detriment of your social life without developing issues and hang-ups). Just don't become dependent on outside help, you are ultimately the one that has to carry the momentum of your own life.
Oh I definitely have plenty of issues and hang-ups, far more than you folks would be willing to read. I definitely need to see more help than I am currently. When the weather warms up I will be able to get outside a little more.
*Edit: I'm not saying abandon your mother, I'm saying being her caretaker can't be the only thing you do in life. You can help take care of her and have a life, but if you miss out on life because of her, there are generations of your family missing out - you, because by the time you no longer need to care for her, you would have missed out on years of opportunities and most likely be in a bad economic situation, making it harder for your children to succeed.
I get what you mean. Can't say it hasn't been easy even thinking of not helping anymore. I have had a few chances to leave the house and at least move to my dad's, only about 25 minutes away, but I stayed so that way my younger brothers wouldn't have to shoulder it. My little brother moved out this year, not too far either, and I stay home so my youngest brother won't have to do what I have done. We have a nursing company send folks out for the day, but that basically allows me to go to school, I still need to be the one that gives her pills at designated times.
If I'd be you, I'd try to find a way that someone else takes care for your mother, and then move into a city, that's close enough that you can visit your mother every now and then without a problem, but far enough that you can be sure of living your own life.
I have thought of the quite a bit and unfortunately even moving to my father's house, which is only about 8 miles away, puts me too far from my school because of bus routes and since he lives in another county my classes would actually cost me more to take, $20 per credit hour.
I will have to agree with a lot of what you are saying. This past year has been rather difficult for me especially, broke up with my first girlfriend (6 month relationship that was fully online from start to finish with me never meeting her) at the beginning of the year, I small mental break down and I tried to kill myself which was from part of the break up and mostly about my life, second relationship (also online only, but for only 3 weeks) ended, lost the small part time job I had because of that little break down, and this situation with my mother has only gotten worse. Quite recently I needed to miss an entire week of school, which caused me to get kicked out of my classes (got back in them though) and me and my family were accused of physically and verbally abusing her, but as that was not true and the nurse was the cause of the bruises on her she was quickly fired.
There have been some good things, but this was definitely not my year.
So, basically, I started seeing a psychologist, both at school and outside at different periods, but that needed to be stopped for transportation reasons during the winter.
Attempted suicide isn't a small breakdown, that's a problem. Continuing seeing your psychologist, you do realize that people typically try to commit suicide the most during spring months, right? That basically leaves you to stew the entire winter and wallow in pity and stress, just be warned and watch out and keep up to date on your medical condition.
Equally, shelf the dating game for a bit. Art degree, computer nerd, are you a graphic designer or something? Can do you coding to go with website stuff? Have you done any internships or volunteer work to build up a portfolio and work experience to get a full time job?
My basic suggestion is to really look into computer stuff and work with your talents and interests as well as limitations. The computer is a wonderful tool, but equally as you probably have seen a fickle mistress to develop social relations through. Nothing beats a tender thigh or a firm breast in your hand sipping on a cold soda.
Try to get into areas that deal with websites and other technologies that give you a good future and can be done in a simple set up. Talk to some business people that work in internet stuff, if you're into that sort of thing, and see what you have to do. I'm going to tell you right now, getting mentors and on a career ladder are going to be essential for you and you need to begin today whatever your career goal is.
There's probably ways to build up a work history through Magic, are there any stores that need art done? What about people with Magic websites here that need art done or whatever? Writing skills? Deck construction? Ect.
My point is to use what's available to you now to build skills that translate into real work experience, even if it's something really simple. You have the advantage of an online community, just ask a general question. But also talk to local businesses that do online community stuff as a part of their business model and ask how to get involved in that.
Start now, get work experience now, even if you're working for free. Comic store that does Facebook and blogging and the like, and other such things that can at least translate some what to business while sitting at home taking care of Mom.
Talk to people, learn about the business and the internet. Start with B2C, since that's what you're probably mostly naturally familiar with as a consumer. There's got to be some nice people on MtGS, your local community stores, and some online firm in your area that can give you some flexible hours, references, and experience with business.
Private Mod Note
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Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Ambition must be made to counteract ambition.
Individualities may form communities, but it is institutions alone that can create a nation.
Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
Here is my principle: Taxes shall be levied according to ability to pay. That is the only American principle.
Attempted suicide isn't a small breakdown, that's a problem. Continuing seeing your psychologist, you do realize that people typically try to commit suicide the most during spring months, right? That basically leaves you to stew the entire winter and wallow in pity and stress, just be warned and watch out and keep up to date on your medical condition.
That I will do, although current weather makes it hard and public transportation goes nowhere near my doctor unfortunately. I will most likely see my college's psychologist until I am able to go to my main one.
Lately I have been trying to look at things without all of those crazy emotions. It has gone slightly good with at least one situation, showing myself that even though I need to end it the way I don't want it to it needs to end.
Equally, shelf the dating game for a bit. Art degree, computer nerd, are you a graphic designer or something? Can do you coding to go with website stuff? Have you done any internships or volunteer work to build up a portfolio and work experience to get a full time job?
Dating has always been shelved for me, those two relationships were by sheer happenstance. The first after I tried to bike to my childhood home on the freeway. I only made it 12 miles before I was found by the cops. This lead to some rather depressiony (and much worse) feelings and said if I didn't bike to my childhood home by my birthday last year I wouldn't be around anymore, but as you can see that went pretty well actually. The experience overall was quite amazing and I met my first girlfriend as she talked me out of doing anything drastic. The other was little more random, but I won't get into that all that much.
I have only asked one girl out in total so I bet you can guess I don't normally actively try to date.
Coding/Website? My only knowledge of programming is high school levels, from 6 years ago, of html and basic and I have forgotten most of that to be honest.
Internships/Volunteer? I have not, mostly from me being unable to get to any sort of internship or volunteer area, although in all honesty I wouldn't know where any of them are since I haven't looked and wouldn't really know where to start looking. I guess that is a dumb excuse considering the internet and what not.
My basic suggestion is to really look into computer stuff and work with your talents and interests as well as limitations. The computer is a wonderful tool, but equally as you probably have seen a fickle mistress to develop social relations through. Nothing beats a tender thigh or a firm breast in your hand sipping on a cold soda.
Right now the only tender breast I have is both of mine because of my weight lol.
In all seriousness though you are most likely correct here. I just need to rediscover those interests, they are still there, but fear has moved in. I can see some amazing things in my head, but the talent isn't there, and a small fear of failure from that teacher in high school.
Try to get into areas that deal with websites and other technologies that give you a good future and can be done in a simple set up. Talk to some business people that work in internet stuff, if you're into that sort of thing, and see what you have to do. I'm going to tell you right now, getting mentors and on a career ladder are going to be essential for you and you need to begin today whatever your career goal is.
This is something I have worried about. I have over a decade of missed experiences and seeing what you describe has me wondering if I can even get such a thing moving in time. My only work experience consists of 3 1/2 years at Wendy's as a burger flipping minion (plus other duties) and barely 3 months at a drug store, also minion.
Lately I think my best bet is a dead end cubicle job where I get promoted once every 20 years.
I am not sure exactly what I want to do, but I know I want to do something. Something that people will know that I was part of it or learn my name because of how amazing it is. I think the most fun I have is when I think of something, anything. Imagining a character and the different scenarios that go with it. The possibilities of creating a world and what can happen in it. For quite some time I have been wanting to do an AMV series for my own story, but that would require me drawing and animating everything........then all it can be is an idea.
I have had plenty of video game ideas, me just ranting on youtube about whatever, t-shirt design ideas, I wouldn't mind having a career in the gaming industry even if it was me writing, reviewing, or talking about them constantly. I even thought about becoming a stand-up comedian at a few points.
There's probably ways to build up a work history through Magic, are there any stores that need art done? What about people with Magic websites here that need art done or whatever? Writing skills? Deck construction? Ect.
As much as I love Magic I am only above average in ability while playing, a lot of top 4's at the FNMs I ran during Zen-SoM standard, but after that I am a complete newbie, like sealed and anything outside of Standard, although I do know plenty about the game, just not anything intricate, nor is my talent in the drawing/writing skills all that super.
My point is to use what's available to you now to build skills that translate into real work experience, even if it's something really simple. You have the advantage of an online community, just ask a general question. But also talk to local businesses that do online community stuff as a part of their business model and ask how to get involved in that.
Start now, get work experience now, even if you're working for free. Comic store that does Facebook and blogging and the like, and other such things that can at least translate some what to business while sitting at home taking care of Mom.
Talk to people, learn about the business and the internet. Start with B2C, since that's what you're probably mostly naturally familiar with as a consumer. There's got to be some nice people on MtGS, your local community stores, and some online firm in your area that can give you some flexible hours, references, and experience with business.
I do really need to get started on something.......a lot actually. It all seems a bit too much when I look at the list of things that need to be done. How can I make up 12 years of missed experiences, mistakes, and life? There is so much I don't know that I would like to know, but then I step in my own way.
Maybe that might be the problem, maybe I shouldn't try and make up for my past and fill in that gap. I probably should start working on my present and my future rather than looking for ways to make it up to myself for over a decade of "martyr-ing" it up and sacrificing myself so much for others.
These posts are going to get longer and longer aren't they? MTGS is going to have problems at this rate.
What you should do is get a job. Try being a camp counsellor, you will meet a lot of new people and develop whatever skills you need help with. Summer camps offer a supportive atmosphere that can help boost everyone’s confidence.
You already have experience taking care of your mother, so taking care of a bunch of kids shouldn't be too much trouble.
Try and utilize your strengths. Perhaps go see a career counselor and figure out together where your interests and strengths can take you to. You're strong in math, so engineering may be an option. You're artistic and good with computers, maybe something with graphics?
Getting a job is definitely an important step. To build your CV, you'll need references. Try and find some work on your larger holiday breaks (I have no idea how US holidays work, but you should manage to find a few weeks for work). I made good experiences with a local employment agency when I was searching for work for half a year after having finished my internship in gardening, but again, different continent, maybe you have better options available via the internet, newspapers and so on.
You can also use Magic to help you build connections. You mentioned you're good at math (and thus logical reasoning) and mentoring people. So, why don't you dive a bit deeper into the rules and become a judge? This will give you plenty of opportunities to go out and meet other people.
Then, the last point: stop being afraid.
If you let fear control your life and turn tail as soon as you see the slightest trouble, you'll never feel the thrill of mastering an obstacle. If you fail at something, don't let yourself be discouraged, but take another try, perhaps in a slightly different direction.
Try and utilize your strengths. Perhaps go see a career counselor and figure out together where your interests and strengths can take you to. You're strong in math, so engineering may be an option. You're artistic and good with computers, maybe something with graphics?
Good luck!
I agree with 100%, you have to do something with your strengths and the other points as well.
I do really need to get started on something.......a lot actually. It all seems a bit too much when I look at the list of things that need to be done. How can I make up 12 years of missed experiences, mistakes, and life? There is so much I don't know that I would like to know, but then I step in my own way.
The first path to enlightenment is that you realize you don't know jack ****, and that the more educated you become, the more questions you will have. That's just what we are as a finite beings, there's nothing we can change.
It seems you have a fear of failure as a core, and are tepid. What you need is to speak with your shrink on that if you have not and how to scale against that fear through preplanning and successful tasks centered things that can be done.
The basic thing you need to do is find an outlet that gives you a world outside, cash, some independence, and some upward mobility.
Maybe that might be the problem, maybe I shouldn't try and make up for my past and fill in that gap. I probably should start working on my present and my future rather than looking for ways to make it up to myself for over a decade of "martyr-ing" it up and sacrificing myself so much for others.
These posts are going to get longer and longer aren't they? MTGS is going to have problems at this rate.
Here's the deal, right now you're indecisive. The first thing to do is to get something out of the house, gets you socializing, and gets money in your pocket. The second is to add value to your resume, and transition to work that gives you direct skills. I agree, that burger flipper is ***** work and adds little real value. Burger flipper overlord nightshift manager? Sounds more profound, and gives you "leadership and management experience."
Here's the deal, you need to get jacked into some stuff and find what are called mavens. Mavens are people that introduce you to their social circle, and get you involved but you have to find them. If you're religious, that means going to church. For Magic, that means just playing and hanging out and kibbutzing with people. If you're having problems with small talk, self confidence issues, talk to your psychologist.
My suggestion for a young man is to begin to look at taking care of your finances and becoming fiscally independent as possible, these other wise posters have pointed out you need a job. It will help, a lot.
There's somethings you can read if you're interested in online marketing and the like:
They apparently give the basics for online marketing and have been considered good. It's free, it takes 18 hours, you get some goofy little cert thing that may or may not be useful but can give you a better idea on the area. "Oh this kind of looks neat" just blitz around at what looks interesting at the very least.
Another suggestion is to begin with self education, I highly recommend looking at business with:
Look at the business side and what can be interesting to you, look and read into sales and the like. However, experience is the king of all teachers as well as a mentor or at least a good manager or co-worker that excels at teaching.
That's free and teaches programming, can probably ask in the nerd tech section for actual skill builders.
With that said, you need to look beyond your own self pity and what you were in the past. Your past is dead, what you were is dead, but you're still alive and you have the ability to improve with help.
Overall:
1. The job thing, whatever it is to do is the wisest suggestion people have given to you. Get one that gives you comfortable access to people without being overwhelming, guest services desk at a retailer is not going to be your cup of tea. Teraparsec is right, the comic shop maybe the best way to go.
Judges:
-manage people
-act as an authority
-are accountable as promoters and the like
Basically, it's a good gig that you can stretch to fit somethings. Some of the best judges aren't the best players JFYI.
2. Online internships, traditional internships, volunteer work that gives you personal meaning and interactions with people. Value and service, key words.
3. There's magazines that are online such as Forbes, Bloomberg, and ect. that are great reads for younger persons on some of the basics. Granted some of what is written is BS, but that's where your own personal experiences come into.
4. Talk to people in business and industry about their job. Set up informational interviews with companies, read a lot and talk with people your age on how they deal with interviews and the like. Hell, ask at your local gaming store with older men and women. they've been through the BS.
If you want to get ahead, you need to raise your people skills and skills to the next level. I'm not a big "sell yourself" person, with jingoism and the atypical "start something." Learn from someone first, get the self confidence you need over time and do bold things to scale with purpose, value, and service.
Start small, self educate yourself on things you want to do and regain lost skills on that are of value, and get a job that socializes you and get some strategies to help you cope better.
Some of the reading material I suggested is a possibility, not a direct career point but rather something that if you can get a job with a small store where you have multiple responsibilities rather than just one all encompassing goal to make burgers would heed much better towards advancing your skills set. A comic book store or similar specialty store where you can be comfortable, challenged, yet not overwhelmed.
At the least, for the next few weeks just do something like volunteer at a local library to say "you're doing something." They do run fundraisers and other activities that you could get involved in. Churches and other religious groups if you're a person of faith can be potentially great. In cities there's normally an "it church" that major people go to in your area, find that and join it has been a classic strategy to network.
Overall, just throwing somethings out there, some maybe possible others not so and may very well be outside of your grasp. Keep up with your treatments, but expand your social network and expand your world through deed and word.
A job would help you, get you money and a place and purpose outside of the home. At the very least, volunteer somewhere if you can walk to a something like a church or a library until you get a job and those places can help give you a reference. Keep moving forward, even baby steps. And one thing, always pay it forward. Showing kindness to someone, be it a smile or a kind gesture. Kindness is rewarded. Show gratitude, and when you see someone struggle lend a hand. That's what it means to be human, we all carry our burdens but we don't have to carry it alone.
Try and utilize your strengths. Perhaps go see a career counselor and figure out together where your interests and strengths can take you to. You're strong in math, so engineering may be an option. You're artistic and good with computers, maybe something with graphics?
I have thought about engineering recently, but only because of how much you can earn doing it, although I have no idea what it entails. I have thought about graphics or some sort of animation, but I definitely don't have the talent or the know how currently.
Getting a job is definitely an important step. To build your CV, you'll need references. Try and find some work on your larger holiday breaks (I have no idea how US holidays work, but you should manage to find a few weeks for work). I made good experiences with a local employment agency when I was searching for work for half a year after having finished my internship in gardening, but again, different continent, maybe you have better options available via the internet, newspapers and so on.
A job definitely. My last classes and the bus schedule stopped me from even thinking about finding one. It took me around a year of looking to even get my 2nd job and that was with two people that know me. Something about me wasn't very hireable for some reason.
You can also use Magic to help you build connections. You mentioned you're good at math (and thus logical reasoning) and mentoring people. So, why don't you dive a bit deeper into the rules and become a judge? This will give you plenty of opportunities to go out and meet other people.
This I have tried to do. Took that first test dozens of times, but I always seem to get 1 to 3 too many wrong. Actually I haven't taken it again for over a year now that you mention it. The wait time to take the test again became months so I guess I have forgotten about it. Not sure what it is, I know them, but just get them wrong for some reason.
Then, the last point: stop being afraid.
If you let fear control your life and turn tail as soon as you see the slightest trouble, you'll never feel the thrill of mastering an obstacle. If you fail at something, don't let yourself be discouraged, but take another try, perhaps in a slightly different direction.
Good luck!
I agree I need to do exactly that. It is amazing though, I somehow didn't even think too much about biking on the freeway at 2 a.m., knowing full well I could be hit by a car or even pass out from it being 90F outside, but when it comes to doing something as simple as drawing I freeze up.
The first path to enlightenment is that you realize you don't know jack ****, and that the more educated you become, the more questions you will have. That's just what we are as a finite beings, there's nothing we can change.
I definitely don't know as much as I make it seem and even less about the things I admit to knowing nothing about.
It seems you have a fear of failure as a core, and are tepid. What you need is to speak with your shrink on that if you have not and how to scale against that fear through preplanning and successful tasks centered things that can be done.
I do need to definitely talk to him more about that. Most of the sessions was me talking about my first girlfriend, mostly because of continuing feelings and a rather roller coaster set of history that has been going on for the last year after we split up. Unfortunately I will stop talking to her on the 31st in two weeks as the situation she has currently put me in has shown me she isn't who I thought she was, and in fact she pretty much admitted to that.
I definitely need to talk more about me than about her. Really get my problems solved and hopefully get out of this decade long rut.
The basic thing you need to do is find an outlet that gives you a world outside, cash, some independence, and some upward mobility.
Here's the deal, right now you're indecisive. The first thing to do is to get something out of the house, gets you socializing, and gets money in your pocket. The second is to add value to your resume, and transition to work that gives you direct skills. I agree, that burger flipper is ***** work and adds little real value. Burger flipper overlord nightshift manager? Sounds more profound, and gives you "leadership and management experience."
As burger flipping minion I did do a lot more then just that, got the store ready before it opened, cleaned, maintained the property, but my main duty was flipping meat for many hours a day, I even trained the people that became managers. I could have easily been a manager there, but I saw what it did to the people that got into that position so I opted to never do that.
I will agree that I need something bigger than just some part time jobs.
Here's the deal, you need to get jacked into some stuff and find what are called mavens. Mavens are people that introduce you to their social circle, and get you involved but you have to find them. If you're religious, that means going to church. For Magic, that means just playing and hanging out and kibbutzing with people. If you're having problems with small talk, self confidence issues, talk to your psychologist.
No idea what a kibbutzing is, but I agree getting out would definitely be good for me. I am not religious, nor atheist, so something along those lines would be far more uncomfortable than you could imagine.
I do have an LGS I go to, albeit not for some time because of the lack of money and I have become enough of a regular that the owner knows me, although that store is about 15 miles away. My only current deck is a B/G Zombies deck for standard. He is opening up a new store, I think it may be closer to me, so I guess I could look to see where it exactly is and maybe work there or maybe if he needs help every so often.
With that said, you need to look beyond your own self pity and what you were in the past. Your past is dead, what you were is dead, but you're still alive and you have the ability to improve with help.
That I definitely need to do. I am very sentimental and I hold on to things for a long time. A good example was what happened at my childhood home, I held on to that stuff for 20 years that it almost haunted me and messed with me on more than a few occasions.
A job would help you, get you money and a place and purpose outside of the home. At the very least, volunteer somewhere if you can walk to a something like a church or a library until you get a job and those places can help give you a reference. Keep moving forward, even baby steps. And one thing, always pay it forward. Showing kindness to someone, be it a smile or a kind gesture. Kindness is rewarded. Show gratitude, and when you see someone struggle lend a hand. That's what it means to be human, we all carry our burdens but we don't have to carry it alone.
I definitely need to do everything you said. Hell, doing even one of those things would be helpful to me. I shall read the links you gave as the time presents itself, this post alone has been two hours of me thinking as I have been typing all of this.
I will need to come up with a plan, it will probably look much like my New Years Resolution list.
Exercise. I would like to get to 220 lbs., but I would be happy with getting down to 250 as a nice goal.
Go on a 90 mile bike ride to my childhood home for fun to check the area out. I think a yearly thing like that would be a good idea.
Get a job.
Finish this associates degree. Decide what to do afterwards of course.
Get out some.
Actually this list is much shorter than last years list. I guess I did more than I thought.
Tell your mom to stop being a self-centered, life sucking person.
The ultimate purpose of a parent is to ensure that his/her child can become a wholesome/independent individual. By forcing you to care for her for 13 years, she has done nothing but hinder your life.
It'll hurt like hell. She will guilt trip you. Regardless, you need to be free.
Tell your mom to stop being a self-centered, life sucking person.
The ultimate purpose of a parent is to ensure that his/her child can become a wholesome/independent individual. By forcing you to care for her for 13 years, she has done nothing but hinder your life.
It'll hurt like hell. She will guilt trip you. Regardless, you need to be free.
Move out.
Unfortunately that has gone out the window and her "talking" turns into mumbles because her speech has become slurred from the MS taking it's toll. She is only capable of saying a few words. After that she definitely has not been a great mother, what with many different occasions of verbal and some physical abuse, but was a long time ago. She tried to be a good parent before she got sick, but she may very well have been sick before I was born, since she tried to kill me when I was a baby.
I was forced when I was 13-18, but I chose to stay home for my brothers and family mostly.
Unfortunately moving is out of the question. I almost have my degree and moving would make it much harder to get there, not to mention increase the price per credit hour for each class if I move out of county.
So in the last couple of weeks I have thought a lot about what you folks said and something definitely needs to be done.
With the new year I thought up some resolutions. Some simple things that I definitely need to do and others I would like to work at.
1. Get my associates degree this year, by this summer hopefully.
2. Get a job.
3. Get my first car. If it is possible with a job.
4. Exercise. Definitely want to get below 300, but that should be easy so at the very least I want to get down to 275 this year and 250 if at all possible.
5. See a psychologist much more often and make sure I stop holding back during sessions. Let's face it I am definitely depressed and need plenty of help.
6. Go on 90 mile bike trip.
7. Think better throughout the year.
8. Start drawing again, maybe take an art class.
Today I also lost a friend. Her depression got the best of her and I see just how much friends mean to me. I look back at the good times me and her had together, especially since she was the relationship I had for 6 months. For me it was an amazing feeling having someone that liked me for me for the first time in my life, someone that enjoyed my stupid jokes. Having fun with her was a simple as talking to her over the internet for hours as I would make an old lady voice and say stupid things. Gifts were as simple as leveling a character in WoW, playing some LoL, or even catching some Pokemon for her. She was an amazing person and I am glad to have known her and I am glad for what she did for me and to me before, during, and after we were together. I may have only seen pictures of her, but to me she was the most beautiful girl I have ever laid eyes on, and was the first time I was ever attracted to someone based solely on looks. I hate the games she played with me, how she tugged on my stings and pressed my buttons in the last few months, but I am also sad that things had to come to this.
Even now I can't explain how things even came to this. Did I do something wrong? Could I have prevented this? Maybe if I had done one or two less stupid things, said something different when we were breaking up, that maybe then I could have stopped all of these gears from being set in motion, maybe I could have kept her happy and she wouldn't have given up the way she had. It may not be perfectly manly, but all of this right now brings tears to my eyes as I remember how happy she was. I would say more on it, but I don't think we have the space allotted for the amount I would put down.
With this I see that if I ever want that feeling again that I need to really get out there and live and the list above is a damn good start, at least that is what I think. I want to feel that type of happiness again, not only with someone that I care about, but who also cares for me, but also so I can feel that type of happiness towards myself. I agree completely about what some of you said. My biggest problems right now is my confidence and that lack of a job. I need to work on these two areas the most. With confidence I can finally start feeling like I have a place in this world, no matter how small. With a job I can finally get my first car, afford the hobbies I have been meaning to, and just the ability to do the things I would like to on a whim are great abilities to have.
The confidence I will need to work on greatly with a doctor of some sort and I have thought on the possibility of medication to possibly help me along with that process of gaining even some of it. I will need to open up to my psychologist, both at school and the one I pay for, so they can have all the information to help me. They can not help if I am nervous and hold back.
As for the job, my only real stipulation is no fast food, I already did that for 3 1/2 years and it is something I would rather not have to go through again, I know it sounds stupid as I don't have a job, but that experience is one I definitely don't want to do twice. My school schedule has changed, which means I can actually have a chance to make it somewhere, even with the cold and snow, so as soon as things settle with school and I see how much attention I will have to put towards these classes I shall start applying to places. Of course with weather, distance my be a problem as does the constant awareness with my mother, just in case I need to stay home because a nurse doesn't make it that day.
I want to move on with my life, to actually have a life for once. The list above is a nice set of goals, but I am going to need to make a plan and stick to it, which will be the hardest part for me. I want to live a life that I know I deserve and I want to be happy with who I have become.
So in the last couple of weeks I have thought a lot about what you folks said and something definitely needs to be done.
With the new year I thought up some resolutions. Some simple things that I definitely need to do and others I would like to work at.
1. Get my associates degree this year, by this summer hopefully.
2. Get a job.
3. Get my first car. If it is possible with a job.
4. Exercise. Definitely want to get below 300, but that should be easy so at the very least I want to get down to 275 this year and 250 if at all possible.
5. See a psychologist much more often and make sure I stop holding back during sessions. Let's face it I am definitely depressed and need plenty of help.
We had a sick child with social problems, way younger than you are. But what seemed to help was to keep a diary where she was more comfortable saying things and then kept things itemized a bit when meeting with her doctor. So something similar to that, even as simple as a list can keep your doctor on task to find ways to pick the ice and help you get comfortable to talk. You have to give them something to begin with, otherwise they're just randomly drilling which if you know anything about oil exploration even for a skilled geologist can-take-years. You really want to wait years?
Also, keep your goals small and baby steps as you scale in capacity and take good risks. Like getting a small promotion at a new work place, if you feel intimidated that's good and take the job and just ask a lot of questions.
Always ask questions, always show appreciation even for mundane things. It's the small things that matter to people, and as you get into a more prosocial environment those small things will help you along the way as people reflect those same attributes back to you.
I've experienced something similar myself. After I finished school I cared for my Nana for a year and it was a draining experience. 12 years has to have had a profound effect on your mental well being. Counseling is helpful but only if you let it be helpful. I spent two years in severe depression after Nana passed away and I was going to counseling during that time but I wouldn't admit I was depressed so little was gained from it. Once I got out of depression I found that my life was a mess. I had no job and huge student loan debt(I'm only now starting to pay on that). I was homeless and had no friends to lean on. But once I actually tried to take charge of my life good things finally started to happen.
Are you your Mom's sole caretaker? If so, are you her health care proxy? These questions are important because they kinda decide what you can do. If the answer is no to both then you can just leave. I'm not suggesting that you do so but if you aren't legally responsible for your mother you don't have to care for her. Its clear that doing so is getting in the way of you living your own life and so a new plan needs to be worked out. Be polite and have a discussion(as much as you can considering her ailment) about why you are quitting as her caretaker and brainstorm other solutions. If you are your mom's health care proxy then you can decide to change what sort of care she receives. There are plenty of facilities that are equipped to help your mother live a full and healthy life.
We had a sick child with social problems, way younger than you are. But what seemed to help was to keep a diary where she was more comfortable saying things and then kept things itemized a bit when meeting with her doctor. So something similar to that, even as simple as a list can keep your doctor on task to find ways to pick the ice and help you get comfortable to talk. You have to give them something to begin with, otherwise they're just randomly drilling which if you know anything about oil exploration even for a skilled geologist can-take-years. You really want to wait years?
When I was first seeing my school's psychologist I did come up with a list every session, not all that sure why I suddenly stopped doing that. I did tend to talk a lot about my first girlfriend even when I planned to not do that, but I guess she was always on my mind with everything that went on the last few months. I will need to move past her though, not that she is gone, although I must admit it is hard to not think of her right now, but I suppose I will have to.
When school starts back up I shall start making appointments again to the school's doctor and I will definitely try to make the focus on me rather than her.
Also, keep your goals small and baby steps as you scale in capacity and take good risks. Like getting a small promotion at a new work place, if you feel intimidated that's good and take the job and just ask a lot of questions.
That is true, I think I regret not taking a manager position at my first job, at least that would look good on some sort of application or resume, but I definitely did not enjoy that place after 3 1/2 years. I won't get into each thing as that would be stupid now since I quit two years ago.
I think the best first step would be getting a job and then look into whatever sort of promotion such a place would have. Although it isn't what I think and more like that is what needs to happen I suppose.
Always ask questions, always show appreciation even for mundane things. It's the small things that matter to people, and as you get into a more prosocial environment those small things will help you along the way as people reflect those same attributes back to you.
I don't know how social I will become, but I am at least polite enough to say thank you when I receive rides from people and have tried to help shovel peoples drive ways, although they always say they "got it".
Are you your Mom's sole caretaker? If so, are you her health care proxy? These questions are important because they kinda decide what you can do. If the answer is no to both then you can just leave. I'm not suggesting that you do so but if you aren't legally responsible for your mother you don't have to care for her. Its clear that doing so is getting in the way of you living your own life and so a new plan needs to be worked out. Be polite and have a discussion(as much as you can considering her ailment) about why you are quitting as her caretaker and brainstorm other solutions. If you are your mom's health care proxy then you can decide to change what sort of care she receives. There are plenty of facilities that are equipped to help your mother live a full and healthy life.
I am not the primary care giver. There is also my step-dad and my youngest brother. My little brother moved out early this.......errr last year. He only lives a few miles away, but always seems to come up with some way to not come and help, mostly because he doesn't know how to drive (he is 23) and relies on his girlfriend for that. My step-dad works 12 hours Mon-Fri, from 10 to 10 so he isn't home a lot, and my youngest brother is 16. I sort of chose to stay home so my brothers wouldn't have to.
We have some nursing company that sends nurses to our house from about 9 a.m. to 10 p.m., which basically allows me to go to school and, for some reason they are not allowed to give her pills, so every night I need to make sure that gets done. Even with the nurses, if one of them doesn't make it to the house that day I need to take care of her during that time.
As for somewhere that could take care of her, for the last week we put her into Hospice House, we are allowed to put her there every couple of months for a little vacation for the family and her. They finally have seen what she has been doing, the things we explain and they sort of wave off because she acts like a perfect angel whenever someone comes to the house and then goes right back to how she usually acts 2 minutes after they leave. So with that they are trying to get her medication right so that way my step-dad can sleep without her waking up and talking constantly and taking care of her can become a simpler task.
My family has thought about the nursing home, and unfortunately we found out the best way to look at them is to go to the morgue and see just how well those nursing homes took care of them. If we put her into it the little money she gets from the government won't be coming in and we won't be able to live in the house. Which then means me moving to my dad's and the complications it will bring to both getting to and paying for school.
I know what you are thinking "Since you are not the only one you can just stop it", but unfortunately I can't do that. My brother is already a messed up little kid and definitely isn't ready for a responsibility such as what I have had to do. To be honest I would probably do what my brother does now, come up with excuses to not have to take care of her after I would move.
She can no longer have a full life and I can see it disappearing much quicker than I used to. It's a scary thing to watch someone you care about just decay in front of you like that. Makes me wonder if something similar is in store for me. She can no longer walk, her strength is mostly gone in her body, she mumbles through most of her speech, and has a catheter in her. I bet it will be within the next 5 years that she passes.
You have to think about your life. Your family has come to rely on you as the caretaker and now they will never step up to help you unless you either ask for help or quit.
Are you your 16 year old brother's guardian? Because if you aren't you shouldn't assume anything about what role he would play in your mom's care if you left. Teen caretakers are on the rise, as people are having children later in life these days, and at 16 your brother should be capable of basic care. At least give him a chance to do a thing or two. No, he won't want to but by offering him a chance you are showing confidence in him and taking a load off yourself. Working yourself to death will not make you a hero in his eyes, so why not co-op him into doing some of your work? I know sometimes its hard to understand teenagers and I've learned from experience that there is often more to their behavior than meets the eye. It must be awful to grow up in a household where your mother is wilting before your eyes. Have you considered that maybe your brother could use a shoulder to lean on and counseling as well?
You have to think about your life. Your family has come to rely on you as the caretaker and now they will never step up to help you unless you either ask for help or quit.
Are you your 16 year old brother's guardian? Because if you aren't you shouldn't assume anything about what role he would play in your mom's care if you left. Teen caretakers are on the rise, as people are having children later in life these days, and at 16 your brother should be capable of basic care. At least give him a chance to do a thing or two. No, he won't want to but by offering him a chance you are showing confidence in him and taking a load off yourself. Working yourself to death will not make you a hero in his eyes, so why not co-op him into doing some of your work? I know sometimes its hard to understand teenagers and I've learned from experience that there is often more to their behavior than meets the eye. It must be awful to grow up in a household where your mother is wilting before your eyes. Have you considered that maybe your brother could use a shoulder to lean on and counseling as well?
I do not believe we are guardians in any legal sense. He does do the basic stuff that any teenager does, dishes and what not, but when it comes to her he hasn't done to much. Sometimes I ask.....tell him mostly, to come sit with me and her if I am forced to watch her, which doesn't include much of anything, but sitting in the living room and watching television. For the most part he has only known her to be sick and isn't all that knowledgeable on how to handle her in some situations, not to mention when it comes to something like changing her clothes, giving her the pills she needs, or taking her to the bathroom is definitely not something we have tried to show him. He isn't necessarily a bad kid, but he has been a tad sheltered, both from me trying to make sure he doesn't have to do anything I have had to do, but also from my step-dad, his actual dad, keeping him from quite a few things, and of course himself being the normal teenage shut in. He does karate, and does pretty well at it from what I figure, at least all those medals he brings home sort of shows that I suppose.
Sure I give him a rough time with teasing, but I try have tried to teach him some things, I even taught him how to ride a bike last year, as he just never learned, which has given him a bit of freedom. I have taught him Magic, but he still does his normal thing of not paying attention and then blames his cards, which I then beat him with his own and he wonders how I do it. My teasing has gotten to the point where he even ignores my normal advice, thinking I am making fun of him, which is fair, but he tends to not pay attention with quite a few things as well. He also tends to not have too much pride in his own work.
While this may be wrong to say, the worst thing about taking care of her is her relentless talking. She just won't shut up, it is like she needs something done every moment of the day for her and we are lucky if she stops for 30 minutes (this isn't really anything new, she has always been spoiled this way). She has a very limited memory now and even telling her that something will be happening in X amount of time she will continue to ask for it like she is 4 years old. Then she throws her own style of trample by slamming something around, usually just punching the couch or slamming a cup into the table next to her. This of course happens at night as well and has led to my step-dad getting a couple of hours of sleep a night or sleeping on the couch because of it.
I don't even know where she gets this energy. She sometimes sleeps for 4 hours and continues her onslaught of speech for close to 20 hours until we force her into bed. I can only hope that this week of staying at the Hospice House has mellowed her out some and things can get to some semblance of normal.\
I really need to figure out how to express this stuff in a much shorter way.
So in the last couple of weeks I have thought a lot about what you folks said and something definitely needs to be done.
With the new year I thought up some resolutions. Some simple things that I definitely need to do and others I would like to work at.
1. Get my associates degree this year, by this summer hopefully.
2. Get a job.
3. Get my first car. If it is possible with a job.
4. Exercise. Definitely want to get below 300, but that should be easy so at the very least I want to get down to 275 this year and 250 if at all possible.
5. See a psychologist much more often and make sure I stop holding back during sessions. Let's face it I am definitely depressed and need plenty of help.
6. Go on 90 mile bike trip.
7. Think better throughout the year.
8. Start drawing again, maybe take an art class.
Make sure to keep your resolutions realistic and reasonable. Motivation for them wears out around February for most people. Of these 8, I'd definitely encourage you to do 1, 2, 4, 5 and 8. If you are in community college, 8 is is definitely accomplisheable. I recommend taking the intro-level drawing class.
As far as the car is concerned, you can buy a cheap used car, but recognize that insurance payments go with it, and you'll want a decent amount in savings at any given time (over $1,000) in case it needs repair work done. If you haven't owned a car before, I'd read up on car maintenance so you don't destroy it by accident (like, for instance, forgetting to get an oil change or never checking your tire pressure, etc.)
For number 4, take it easy on the weight loss. Losing too much too fast can be just as damaging as staying overweight - you'll have problems with your blood pressure and blood sugar levels. If you are over 300, aim for getting below 300 first. Losing 10 pounds a month for a few months is a reasonable goal, and pretty easy to accomplish by simply restricting (or eliminating) a lot of unnecessary sugar intake (soda, sweets, etc.). You'll be surprised by what you can lose from just cutting soda from all but a meal or two a week.
Make sure to keep your resolutions realistic and reasonable. Motivation for them wears out around February for most people. Of these 8, I'd definitely encourage you to do 1, 2, 4, 5 and 8. If you are in community college, 8 is is definitely accomplisheable. I recommend taking the intro-level drawing class.
I am in college currently, so it should be easily possible, if I can change the lab class I am supposed to do with an art class, which is also considered lab, that would definitely be a plus.
As far as the car is concerned, you can buy a cheap used car, but recognize that insurance payments go with it, and you'll want a decent amount in savings at any given time (over $1,000) in case it needs repair work done. If you haven't owned a car before, I'd read up on car maintenance so you don't destroy it by accident (like, for instance, forgetting to get an oil change or never checking your tire pressure, etc.)
I have never owned a car, I actually got my license about 6 months ago (at the age of 24). I did have the opportunity to get the old family car, if I paid to get it fixed, but I would have been unable to afford the gas or insurance. The fix was around $1000. I do check car prices in local newspaper and for random cars as I am about from time to time, and people do put the price of their cars a little high.
For number 4, take it easy on the weight loss. Losing too much too fast can be just as damaging as staying overweight - you'll have problems with your blood pressure and blood sugar levels. If you are over 300, aim for getting below 300 first. Losing 10 pounds a month for a few months is a reasonable goal, and pretty easy to accomplish by simply restricting (or eliminating) a lot of unnecessary sugar intake (soda, sweets, etc.). You'll be surprised by what you can lose from just cutting soda from all but a meal or two a week.
I was losing weight the last year and a half. (Note: this next part is not supposed to sound depressing) When I met my first girlfriend I was having a hard time with my past, my early childhood to be exact, when my parents got divorced.
Around two summers ago I became extremely nostalgic and one random night I decided to bike there. The town is about 45 miles away. I decided to go at 2 a.m. I picked up some bottles of water at a gas station and went on my way with a camera, to take pictures of the place of course. I was wearing all black at the time, just happened to be what I was wearing that day, and my current bike at the time and my backpack were black as well........I do not own many colorful things as you can tell. Anyways, it was about 85 degrees outside, even during that time of night, and I happened to make it about 12 miles total. The whole time I was on the side of the free way, it being the only way I knew how to get there at the time. Yes, I knew how illegal and dangerous it was, which might have been what I wanted at the time of that depression (not exactly convincing when I meant this to be not depressing.) I made sure to watch out for cars and always kept an eye out, but around the 12 mile mark I saw some head lights at the corner of my eye that were not going away, so I turned my head and there are the red and blue flashing lights of a police car. I bet the cop was thinking "What the hell?" the entire time he followed me for however long it was.
Well we went through the questions of who, what, where, when, why, and how. During the whole questionnaire two more cops came, and they also asked me questions. They searched through my bag, nothing of surprise there, and ran me through their protocol for such things. In the end the first cop asked me "I can either take you back to your house or take you to the next on ramp and you can go about your way, which is it?" I took the first option seeing as it was about 45 minutes with all of that talking and they ruined my second wind. I got home about 3 1/2 hours later after I left and my family had no idea I even left, until the next morning when I said "I was in a cop car last night" at complete random. (I actually laugh at this set of events, it was pretty damn funny.)
Well with my girlfriend and how much I loved her I decided I needed to see that place for my own well being, and because I said I would kill myself if I didn't by my birthday (totally convincing so far). I trained for about 1 1/2 months, riding my bike about 10-13 miles every single day and on September 27, 2011 I left my house at 4 a.m. and took off on my little bike trip. I had supplies with me and this was fully planned. 12 hours later, on the dot almost, I made it to my childhood home. I walked the trails, sat at the lake and really thought about what happened during the time that weighed heavy on my mind, stared at the swamp, and took plenty of pictures. My dad picked me up, and he wanted to see the sights as well, and a few hours later I was back at home, followed by a full week of being sore.
Last year I really got into the exercising, lost something along 25 lbs. while I had my 2nd job and was exercising quite often during it. Biking 17 miles in 1 hr. 10 min. is my best. My first bike broke, which led to problems keeping up with it and then my new one was giving me some problems as well so I slowed down on it while I was also lifting some weights.
I had planned to do the same bike trip, except bike all the way back last September, but my only weekend I set aside for the trip it rained the entire weekend. This year maybe I can do the same, or at least do the normal 45 miles and get picked up again.
I know I won't be 175 lb. greek god type of fit, but my dream goal of weight is about 220, don't need abs, just a flat stomach, or at least one that doesn't jiggle when I brush my teeth.
Even now I can't explain how things even came to this. Did I do something wrong? Could I have prevented this? Maybe if I had done one or two less stupid things, said something different when we were breaking up, that maybe then I could have stopped all of these gears from being set in motion, maybe I could have kept her happy and she wouldn't have given up the way she had. It may not be perfectly manly, but all of this right now brings tears to my eyes as I remember how happy she was. I would say more on it, but I don't think we have the space allotted for the amount I would put down.
Now that I read this segment, it sort of sounds like I made her out to be dead, which that isn't true, but I was hoping I could ask for your opinion and wisdom on this matter, as it is what has been on my mind this last week.
Trying rather hard to not seem incredibly depressed and negative at this moment, so if I come off being that (although I probably already have through this little thread) I do not mean to.
How do you get over someone that has meant and done so much for yourself? Even after we broke up it was hard to forget her, especially when our paths crossed quite frequently. She helped me an incredible amount before, during, and even some after. She was the first person that made me feel happy, truly happy, in a long time and after she was like a sister to me.
I am very sentimental, and while I have nothing from her I have plenty on my computer from when we were dating, usually things I made for her and it reminds me of a lot of things.
Maybe it is just me, but it just seems to suck more than normal, how everything happened andI am having trouble wrapping my head around it all and plenty of questions that just won't seem to stop when I have little going on, which is quite often.
How do you folks get over someone that meant so much to you? Am I trying to get over this quicker than I should or just let time do it's thing?
How do you folks get over someone that meant so much to you? Am I trying to get over this quicker than I should or just let time do it's thing?
It can take a while to get over it. There is no 'right' amount of time, but if it having a strongly negative impact on your ability to function, talking to a mental health professional about it might be a good idea (honestly, from most of what you've said you wouldn't go wrong to do so in general).
You should probably get rid of easy accessible reminders. Find your pictures of her, stuff that reminds you of her stronger, Burn the stuff on your PC to a CD (then delete it from your hard drive), and then put that stuff away where you store stuff in the house. It'll be a good nostalgic reflection in the future, but right now you don't need constant reminders.
I suppose I can move everything back to my laptop as I only use that once in a blue moon now.
It isn't really stopping me from doing much right now, but I can tell my mood hasn't been the brightest lately. I have been real quick to anger as well.
Can't say I will enjoy it, but I guess I will have to so it makes it easier for me.
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So lately I have been noticing a few things about what is going on in my life, this has mostly been about how I have no life and how it has been me who has systematically done this to myself. I won't get into any of the real specifics or my usual stupid emotion full drivel, but for the few who don't know or didn't want to remember my biggest issue is my sick mother who has multiple sclerosis, I stay home to help take care of her as the need arises, which has been quite frequently lately. I find myself wanting to reinvent myself as a person, but my home life and no car find myself hard pressed to do much about it, not to mention certain mental and emotional hangups that keep me from even attempting such things.
On to my quandary for this particular situation. I have been finding myself thinking just how I can experience life, how to have a life as it were. I ask myself these types of questions to myself quite often and the answer, to me at least, should be something I should know by now. I should know how to experience life, but for some reason I do not.
I recently made the joke to myself that life for me is much like how high school algebra was for a good majority of my class mates. No matter how much I tutored, showed, explained, walked them through step by step, and even doing the problems for them they could not grasp something as simple as the order you solve problems (multiplication/division then addition/subtraction as an example) and ultimately giving up with something along the lines of "I won't be able to get this." I am finding that life itself is much in the same way as my old classmates, while also finding it sort of ironic that math comes so easily to me while life is a mystery when it was the complete opposite for most everyone at my high school.
Now I know what you may be thinking of telling me "Just go out and do it", and I would agree, if not for the fact that I would answer "How?" because I have no clue on how to do that. I know that life is a huge mystery to damn near close to everyone, but it seems to me that I am having much more trouble than the average person at even grasping the idea of how to experience life. I am finding this particularly true as my emotions and mental standings with many things have been the Wankavator at the end of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, where it goes in all directions. I also find myself lately to be forgetting even the things that I am looking forward to.
In all honesty also this post alone I thought of for two weeks to make sure I didn't get all depressey and whiney to not piss any more of you off.
So I guess that since I have explained what is current dilemma and since I didn't actually ask anything I guess my best questions to all of you would be.....how did you figure this out? What do you do that makes you "experience life"? What would you folks suggest for someone like me that is stuck at home and with no car. Am I making it harder then it really is or could there easily be something wrong with me?
As such she's your mother, and lessening the burden on yourself and increasing the burden onto other persons would be a large step forward. This would allow you to reallocate time to other places.
The other major pressing point is to have some sort of counseling and guidance through that period, there's support groups and the like to talk with people who struggle and their caregivers. This would at least give you a pool to draw on for experience, as well as counseling for yourself on dealing with the emotional side of the equation.
As for everything else as any sort of caregiver, whether you're a parent or whatever, you need to take yourself first to be an effective leader. It seems that you realize this, and are looking for help and are unsure where to turn.
You also need to realize that 26 is the average age that most young adults get married, which leads to a point that you're not on a normal trajectory in life at all. "I don't get it, I don't understand."
In part, you probably are making it harder than anything has to be, but it's also a difficult challenge to be a caretaker of any sort. You have to divide up your life and be very good at time management and handling peoples. You have little time to yourself as compared to other people who are not caretakers.
The place to begin is to make a plan, get counseling, find people who are in the same situation that you are/were in, and then make gradual changes over time. At the same time, there are ways to find better forms of work and the like. There are places that you can work at home, or engage in starting a business yourself and organizations such as SCORE and the like that can help along those lines. Schooling is easier and can be done via the computer, there are organizations like EdX that can help with training. There are different ways to go, the question is "What do you want to become?"
Ask yourself a basic question, "What I am I and what do I want to become?"
Then get the necessary team around you and your problems to begin to solve and mitigate the toxicity of those problems. The point is to find a way, but if you have no goals than you have no nothing. Generic flim-flam "I just wanna better life" gets you no where real fast, as your resolve is weak and plans will become soiled like a paper tiger in rain.
Your identity is caught up in your caregiver role, and you seem to want more which is healthy for a young man of your age. The question is to what scale and how to channel that ambition and want for more.
Frankly, problems like this are like a Rubik's Cube and the solutions over time can and will look in retrospect like a Rube Goldberg Machine. Often change, depending on what sort you want, is brutal, emotionally difficult, and requires much sacrifice. You're in a comfort zone, and breaking out of that comfort zone.
Now you say your good at math, that's a valuable skill whenever placed into the proper context and there are well paid jobs such as engineers or mathematicians or skilled laborer that can allow you to have the money to do as you please.
I would highly suggest talking to a mental health professional as a point to stand out on. The other would be to make sure you're making time for yourself right now outside of the home. A day in which you get out of your world, and do "other things." That's a small step, if you want to go out with a young man or woman then do so.
You're in a difficult position without enough help, and you're in over your head. Seek proper help. Find solutions to your immediate problems. There are charity organizations and government assistance for transportation. Then find solutions to medium problems. Then find solutions to long term dreams. Connect the dots where you can to accomplish more than one thing at a time.
It will be hard, it will take years and even decades depending on the severity, but worth it when you begin to change your situation. This doesn't mean on day one, but over time you will see those glimmers of light as the wall begins to crack.
Ambition must be made to counteract ambition.
Individualities may form communities, but it is institutions alone that can create a nation.
Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
Here is my principle: Taxes shall be levied according to ability to pay. That is the only American principle.
In order to talk some more, there is a good deal of additional information I'd need:
Do you have a degree? Do you have a job/career path you are pursuing? Are you earning a steady income?
Why don't you have a vehicle? Is there a family vehicle you just can't use reliably? Do you have easy access to public transportation?
Are you aware you can get a car for relatively little? It wouldn't be nice, by any stretch of the imagination, but a used car can be a good first step towards independence. And there is a certain amount of charm to be had with your crappy first car.
I'm going to echo a lot of Captain Morgan's advice here to avoid an overly long post. What you need is someone who can help you address your issues, whatever they are. But in terms of 'getting a life', I'll let you know about what my friend with social anxiety did.
The first thing is that he regularly sees a therapist. When you have little confidence in yourself and no real-world experience, it's good to have someone who can guide you through it.
The second thing is that he got a job and became financially independent from his parents. He still lives at home, but he pays rent, pays his own insurance, etc.
The third thing is that, with the confidence from the above two, he slowly started going to social gatherings outside of his comfort zone. Whether you recognize it or not, it's very doubtful in the age of Facebook that you have no access to social events. Start mending those bridges. Start reconnecting with the people you have gradually lost over time. It can be hard to take the first step, but it can be as simple as texting one of the people you used to hang out with, and seeing if they wanted to hang out. Start small and work your way up.
And also recognize there is no objective measure of 'having a life'. I frequently think of myself as having no life, but I'm engaged, I do martial arts, I'm a volunteer firefighter, I go to the gym, I hang out with my close friends and occasionally old friends. Most people don't recognize themselves as 'having a life', even when they are particularly active, simply because it becomes routine. So just start small with small social activities, and work your way up.
And I'll reiterate that finding someone to talk to about your depression and your issues will help (as there is no way you could have been taking care of your mom for 12 years to the detriment of your social life without developing issues and hang-ups). Just don't become dependent on outside help, you are ultimately the one that has to carry the momentum of your own life.
*Edit: I'm not saying abandon your mother, I'm saying being her caretaker can't be the only thing you do in life. You can help take care of her and have a life, but if you miss out on life because of her, there are generations of your family missing out - you, because by the time you no longer need to care for her, you would have missed out on years of opportunities and most likely be in a bad economic situation, making it harder for your children to succeed.
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So follow your analogy.
You are good at math, others were bad. The people that were bad got help, tutoring, did extra work, and made an effort to get good at it.
You are bad at being social. So get help,m get a tutor, do extra work, and make an effort to get good at it.
People who were bad at math turned to you for help. Turn to people you know with good social skills and ask them to help you.
American transportation systems suck ass anything beyond major cities. The populations are often far flung, and in certain areas of the country only the county capitals (municipality->county->state->federal) are the only major city in the area. Even for suburbia most major investments were into the highway system.
If you have any interest into how complex this is look no farther than Robert Caro's The Power Broker: Robert Moses and the Fall of New York as a litmus test to how the car culture was started.
In short, in most of the nation unless if you have a car or access to a car, you're screwed. There are some people who have to drive to a bus terminal to go to work as well.
Ambition must be made to counteract ambition.
Individualities may form communities, but it is institutions alone that can create a nation.
Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
Here is my principle: Taxes shall be levied according to ability to pay. That is the only American principle.
I will have to agree with a lot of what you are saying. This past year has been rather difficult for me especially, broke up with my first girlfriend (6 month relationship that was fully online from start to finish with me never meeting her) at the beginning of the year, I small mental break down and I tried to kill myself which was from part of the break up and mostly about my life, second relationship (also online only, but for only 3 weeks) ended, lost the small part time job I had because of that little break down, and this situation with my mother has only gotten worse. Quite recently I needed to miss an entire week of school, which caused me to get kicked out of my classes (got back in them though) and me and my family were accused of physically and verbally abusing her, but as that was not true and the nurse was the cause of the bruises on her she was quickly fired.
There have been some good things, but this was definitely not my year.
So, basically, I started seeing a psychologist, both at school and outside at different periods, but that needed to be stopped for transportation reasons during the winter.
Degree? Not yet, I am currently going to school for an associates degree right now, in art, but that is because that is where most of my classes transferred to from my last school. Only 4 more classes left and I should get it by the summer.
Job? No, last one I had was back in the summer before my little break down. Something about what I did just didn't make me feel comfortable there anymore and I didn't want people checking up on me every time I used a box cutter.
Career? No. Right now I am unsure as to what I really want. The video game industry I love, but I only know the basics of programming. I used to love to draw, but I had a rather poor art teacher in high school and every time I go to I hear her in my head saying nothing I do is good enough. I have plenty of ideas for stories and things of that sort, but my talents in a lot of areas are, at best, average so I have close to made myself think I am only good at having ideas. I have quite a few interests, mostly nerdy ones, but a little too afraid to start on anything.
Income? Only from the grants I get from my school every semester, which isn't a whole lot left over after books.
I actually just got my license this past summer (at 24). I went through a car accident when I was about 5 and although it wasn't horrible something about it left a mark and I never wanted to go through that again. Or it could be that I heard the fireman say, when he got to the car, if it was okay to take my mom's legs........I know they wouldn't say that, but I swear that is what I heard. Mostly I didn't want to be the reason an accident happens, I am not all that positive and quick to think of the worst possible things that can happen.
The only car in the family is the one my step-dad uses for work and he is gone from 10 a.m. to 10 p.m., so there isn't a whole lot of use there for me. I was actually given the chance to fix the old car, but it is a $1000 fix and I don't have the type of money for insurance, let alone gas.
My normal transportation is my bike. If it is within 10 miles I have no problem biking too it and was a good way of losing weight while I was exercising during the summer. I even did a 45 mile trip down to my home town last year, also when I got a little suicidey because of what happened there when I was 4. I was planning on doing a 90 mile one this year, but weather stopped me and I definitely wasn't ready for 90. I am 300+ lbs. and it was a way for me to lose weight. Was basically biking 10+ miles 4-5 times a week.
Public transportation is actually quite available to me. I have two different set of bus lines, one that goes into Cleveland and another just for the general area I live in, which is how I get to classes, although some of the routes still leave some areas a little inaccessible to me during the winter season.
Even with Facebook my social habits on there only account to talking to my only friend I physically am able to do things with and my immediate family. All old friends are just that, just people I helped pretty much pass high school. Although one asked if I wanted to do something, but when he asked I couldn't even get away from the house. Even then I wasn't invited to anything and now I am definitely not. Back then I didn't have a cell phone, nor any of them that really wanted to talk to me outside of school, basically only to use me for my homework that day.
Oh I definitely have plenty of issues and hang-ups, far more than you folks would be willing to read. I definitely need to see more help than I am currently. When the weather warms up I will be able to get outside a little more.
I get what you mean. Can't say it hasn't been easy even thinking of not helping anymore. I have had a few chances to leave the house and at least move to my dad's, only about 25 minutes away, but I stayed so that way my younger brothers wouldn't have to shoulder it. My little brother moved out this year, not too far either, and I stay home so my youngest brother won't have to do what I have done. We have a nursing company send folks out for the day, but that basically allows me to go to school, I still need to be the one that gives her pills at designated times.
I have thought of the quite a bit and unfortunately even moving to my father's house, which is only about 8 miles away, puts me too far from my school because of bus routes and since he lives in another county my classes would actually cost me more to take, $20 per credit hour.
Attempted suicide isn't a small breakdown, that's a problem. Continuing seeing your psychologist, you do realize that people typically try to commit suicide the most during spring months, right? That basically leaves you to stew the entire winter and wallow in pity and stress, just be warned and watch out and keep up to date on your medical condition.
Equally, shelf the dating game for a bit. Art degree, computer nerd, are you a graphic designer or something? Can do you coding to go with website stuff? Have you done any internships or volunteer work to build up a portfolio and work experience to get a full time job?
My basic suggestion is to really look into computer stuff and work with your talents and interests as well as limitations. The computer is a wonderful tool, but equally as you probably have seen a fickle mistress to develop social relations through. Nothing beats a tender thigh or a firm breast in your hand sipping on a cold soda.
Try to get into areas that deal with websites and other technologies that give you a good future and can be done in a simple set up. Talk to some business people that work in internet stuff, if you're into that sort of thing, and see what you have to do. I'm going to tell you right now, getting mentors and on a career ladder are going to be essential for you and you need to begin today whatever your career goal is.
There's probably ways to build up a work history through Magic, are there any stores that need art done? What about people with Magic websites here that need art done or whatever? Writing skills? Deck construction? Ect.
My point is to use what's available to you now to build skills that translate into real work experience, even if it's something really simple. You have the advantage of an online community, just ask a general question. But also talk to local businesses that do online community stuff as a part of their business model and ask how to get involved in that.
Start now, get work experience now, even if you're working for free. Comic store that does Facebook and blogging and the like, and other such things that can at least translate some what to business while sitting at home taking care of Mom.
Talk to people, learn about the business and the internet. Start with B2C, since that's what you're probably mostly naturally familiar with as a consumer. There's got to be some nice people on MtGS, your local community stores, and some online firm in your area that can give you some flexible hours, references, and experience with business.
Ambition must be made to counteract ambition.
Individualities may form communities, but it is institutions alone that can create a nation.
Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
Here is my principle: Taxes shall be levied according to ability to pay. That is the only American principle.
That I will do, although current weather makes it hard and public transportation goes nowhere near my doctor unfortunately. I will most likely see my college's psychologist until I am able to go to my main one.
Lately I have been trying to look at things without all of those crazy emotions. It has gone slightly good with at least one situation, showing myself that even though I need to end it the way I don't want it to it needs to end.
Dating has always been shelved for me, those two relationships were by sheer happenstance. The first after I tried to bike to my childhood home on the freeway. I only made it 12 miles before I was found by the cops. This lead to some rather depressiony (and much worse) feelings and said if I didn't bike to my childhood home by my birthday last year I wouldn't be around anymore, but as you can see that went pretty well actually. The experience overall was quite amazing and I met my first girlfriend as she talked me out of doing anything drastic. The other was little more random, but I won't get into that all that much.
I have only asked one girl out in total so I bet you can guess I don't normally actively try to date.
Coding/Website? My only knowledge of programming is high school levels, from 6 years ago, of html and basic and I have forgotten most of that to be honest.
Internships/Volunteer? I have not, mostly from me being unable to get to any sort of internship or volunteer area, although in all honesty I wouldn't know where any of them are since I haven't looked and wouldn't really know where to start looking. I guess that is a dumb excuse considering the internet and what not.
Right now the only tender breast I have is both of mine because of my weight lol.
In all seriousness though you are most likely correct here. I just need to rediscover those interests, they are still there, but fear has moved in. I can see some amazing things in my head, but the talent isn't there, and a small fear of failure from that teacher in high school.
Just some examples. This was something I did back in high school, around 8 years ago. This one I had done earlier this year as it was a small story I wanted to just see done. At best I was slightly above average, now my ability has definitely decreased over such a long period of time. I did have a company buy a t-shirt design of mine, although a friend had to draw it, but at least the idea was good.
This is something I have worried about. I have over a decade of missed experiences and seeing what you describe has me wondering if I can even get such a thing moving in time. My only work experience consists of 3 1/2 years at Wendy's as a burger flipping minion (plus other duties) and barely 3 months at a drug store, also minion.
Lately I think my best bet is a dead end cubicle job where I get promoted once every 20 years.
I am not sure exactly what I want to do, but I know I want to do something. Something that people will know that I was part of it or learn my name because of how amazing it is. I think the most fun I have is when I think of something, anything. Imagining a character and the different scenarios that go with it. The possibilities of creating a world and what can happen in it. For quite some time I have been wanting to do an AMV series for my own story, but that would require me drawing and animating everything........then all it can be is an idea.
I have had plenty of video game ideas, me just ranting on youtube about whatever, t-shirt design ideas, I wouldn't mind having a career in the gaming industry even if it was me writing, reviewing, or talking about them constantly. I even thought about becoming a stand-up comedian at a few points.
As much as I love Magic I am only above average in ability while playing, a lot of top 4's at the FNMs I ran during Zen-SoM standard, but after that I am a complete newbie, like sealed and anything outside of Standard, although I do know plenty about the game, just not anything intricate, nor is my talent in the drawing/writing skills all that super.
I do really need to get started on something.......a lot actually. It all seems a bit too much when I look at the list of things that need to be done. How can I make up 12 years of missed experiences, mistakes, and life? There is so much I don't know that I would like to know, but then I step in my own way.
Maybe that might be the problem, maybe I shouldn't try and make up for my past and fill in that gap. I probably should start working on my present and my future rather than looking for ways to make it up to myself for over a decade of "martyr-ing" it up and sacrificing myself so much for others.
These posts are going to get longer and longer aren't they? MTGS is going to have problems at this rate.
You already have experience taking care of your mother, so taking care of a bunch of kids shouldn't be too much trouble.
Getting a job is definitely an important step. To build your CV, you'll need references. Try and find some work on your larger holiday breaks (I have no idea how US holidays work, but you should manage to find a few weeks for work). I made good experiences with a local employment agency when I was searching for work for half a year after having finished my internship in gardening, but again, different continent, maybe you have better options available via the internet, newspapers and so on.
You can also use Magic to help you build connections. You mentioned you're good at math (and thus logical reasoning) and mentoring people. So, why don't you dive a bit deeper into the rules and become a judge? This will give you plenty of opportunities to go out and meet other people.
Then, the last point: stop being afraid.
If you let fear control your life and turn tail as soon as you see the slightest trouble, you'll never feel the thrill of mastering an obstacle. If you fail at something, don't let yourself be discouraged, but take another try, perhaps in a slightly different direction.
Good luck!
L1 Judge
I agree with 100%, you have to do something with your strengths and the other points as well.
The first path to enlightenment is that you realize you don't know jack ****, and that the more educated you become, the more questions you will have. That's just what we are as a finite beings, there's nothing we can change.
It seems you have a fear of failure as a core, and are tepid. What you need is to speak with your shrink on that if you have not and how to scale against that fear through preplanning and successful tasks centered things that can be done.
The basic thing you need to do is find an outlet that gives you a world outside, cash, some independence, and some upward mobility.
Here's the deal, right now you're indecisive. The first thing to do is to get something out of the house, gets you socializing, and gets money in your pocket. The second is to add value to your resume, and transition to work that gives you direct skills. I agree, that burger flipper is ***** work and adds little real value. Burger flipper overlord nightshift manager? Sounds more profound, and gives you "leadership and management experience."
Here's the deal, you need to get jacked into some stuff and find what are called mavens. Mavens are people that introduce you to their social circle, and get you involved but you have to find them. If you're religious, that means going to church. For Magic, that means just playing and hanging out and kibbutzing with people. If you're having problems with small talk, self confidence issues, talk to your psychologist.
My suggestion for a young man is to begin to look at taking care of your finances and becoming fiscally independent as possible, these other wise posters have pointed out you need a job. It will help, a lot.
There's somethings you can read if you're interested in online marketing and the like:
http://techcrunch.com/
http://mashable.com/
http://www.sethgodin.com/sg/
http://www.davidmeermanscott.com/
http://www.daveramsey.com/home/
I link him as a potential person to look at what he's done with business, he's heavily conservative and Christian but the man can make a sale.
I had read in an article sometime ago about this:
http://www.hubspot.com/inbound-marketing-university/
They apparently give the basics for online marketing and have been considered good. It's free, it takes 18 hours, you get some goofy little cert thing that may or may not be useful but can give you a better idea on the area. "Oh this kind of looks neat" just blitz around at what looks interesting at the very least.
Another suggestion is to begin with self education, I highly recommend looking at business with:
http://ocw.mit.edu/index.htm
http://oyc.yale.edu/
Look at the business side and what can be interesting to you, look and read into sales and the like. However, experience is the king of all teachers as well as a mentor or at least a good manager or co-worker that excels at teaching.
For tech, look at this:
https://www.edx.org/
http://www.w3schools.com/
GO, rather, run to your local library and ask if they have any computer courses that you can take to learn how to do excel and the like better.
There's stuff like:
http://learnpythonthehardway.org/
That's free and teaches programming, can probably ask in the nerd tech section for actual skill builders.
With that said, you need to look beyond your own self pity and what you were in the past. Your past is dead, what you were is dead, but you're still alive and you have the ability to improve with help.
Overall:
1. The job thing, whatever it is to do is the wisest suggestion people have given to you. Get one that gives you comfortable access to people without being overwhelming, guest services desk at a retailer is not going to be your cup of tea. Teraparsec is right, the comic shop maybe the best way to go.
Judges:
-manage people
-act as an authority
-are accountable as promoters and the like
Basically, it's a good gig that you can stretch to fit somethings. Some of the best judges aren't the best players JFYI.
2. Online internships, traditional internships, volunteer work that gives you personal meaning and interactions with people. Value and service, key words.
3. There's magazines that are online such as Forbes, Bloomberg, and ect. that are great reads for younger persons on some of the basics. Granted some of what is written is BS, but that's where your own personal experiences come into.
4. Talk to people in business and industry about their job. Set up informational interviews with companies, read a lot and talk with people your age on how they deal with interviews and the like. Hell, ask at your local gaming store with older men and women. they've been through the BS.
If you want to get ahead, you need to raise your people skills and skills to the next level. I'm not a big "sell yourself" person, with jingoism and the atypical "start something." Learn from someone first, get the self confidence you need over time and do bold things to scale with purpose, value, and service.
Start small, self educate yourself on things you want to do and regain lost skills on that are of value, and get a job that socializes you and get some strategies to help you cope better.
Some of the reading material I suggested is a possibility, not a direct career point but rather something that if you can get a job with a small store where you have multiple responsibilities rather than just one all encompassing goal to make burgers would heed much better towards advancing your skills set. A comic book store or similar specialty store where you can be comfortable, challenged, yet not overwhelmed.
At the least, for the next few weeks just do something like volunteer at a local library to say "you're doing something." They do run fundraisers and other activities that you could get involved in. Churches and other religious groups if you're a person of faith can be potentially great. In cities there's normally an "it church" that major people go to in your area, find that and join it has been a classic strategy to network.
Overall, just throwing somethings out there, some maybe possible others not so and may very well be outside of your grasp. Keep up with your treatments, but expand your social network and expand your world through deed and word.
A job would help you, get you money and a place and purpose outside of the home. At the very least, volunteer somewhere if you can walk to a something like a church or a library until you get a job and those places can help give you a reference. Keep moving forward, even baby steps. And one thing, always pay it forward. Showing kindness to someone, be it a smile or a kind gesture. Kindness is rewarded. Show gratitude, and when you see someone struggle lend a hand. That's what it means to be human, we all carry our burdens but we don't have to carry it alone.
Ambition must be made to counteract ambition.
Individualities may form communities, but it is institutions alone that can create a nation.
Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
Here is my principle: Taxes shall be levied according to ability to pay. That is the only American principle.
I have thought about engineering recently, but only because of how much you can earn doing it, although I have no idea what it entails. I have thought about graphics or some sort of animation, but I definitely don't have the talent or the know how currently.
A job definitely. My last classes and the bus schedule stopped me from even thinking about finding one. It took me around a year of looking to even get my 2nd job and that was with two people that know me. Something about me wasn't very hireable for some reason.
This I have tried to do. Took that first test dozens of times, but I always seem to get 1 to 3 too many wrong. Actually I haven't taken it again for over a year now that you mention it. The wait time to take the test again became months so I guess I have forgotten about it. Not sure what it is, I know them, but just get them wrong for some reason.
I agree I need to do exactly that. It is amazing though, I somehow didn't even think too much about biking on the freeway at 2 a.m., knowing full well I could be hit by a car or even pass out from it being 90F outside, but when it comes to doing something as simple as drawing I freeze up.
I will need to learn how to do that for sure.
I definitely don't know as much as I make it seem and even less about the things I admit to knowing nothing about.
I do need to definitely talk to him more about that. Most of the sessions was me talking about my first girlfriend, mostly because of continuing feelings and a rather roller coaster set of history that has been going on for the last year after we split up. Unfortunately I will stop talking to her on the 31st in two weeks as the situation she has currently put me in has shown me she isn't who I thought she was, and in fact she pretty much admitted to that.
I definitely need to talk more about me than about her. Really get my problems solved and hopefully get out of this decade long rut.
As burger flipping minion I did do a lot more then just that, got the store ready before it opened, cleaned, maintained the property, but my main duty was flipping meat for many hours a day, I even trained the people that became managers. I could have easily been a manager there, but I saw what it did to the people that got into that position so I opted to never do that.
I will agree that I need something bigger than just some part time jobs.
No idea what a kibbutzing is, but I agree getting out would definitely be good for me. I am not religious, nor atheist, so something along those lines would be far more uncomfortable than you could imagine.
I do have an LGS I go to, albeit not for some time because of the lack of money and I have become enough of a regular that the owner knows me, although that store is about 15 miles away. My only current deck is a B/G Zombies deck for standard. He is opening up a new store, I think it may be closer to me, so I guess I could look to see where it exactly is and maybe work there or maybe if he needs help every so often.
That I definitely need to do. I am very sentimental and I hold on to things for a long time. A good example was what happened at my childhood home, I held on to that stuff for 20 years that it almost haunted me and messed with me on more than a few occasions.
I definitely need to do everything you said. Hell, doing even one of those things would be helpful to me. I shall read the links you gave as the time presents itself, this post alone has been two hours of me thinking as I have been typing all of this.
I will need to come up with a plan, it will probably look much like my New Years Resolution list.
Exercise. I would like to get to 220 lbs., but I would be happy with getting down to 250 as a nice goal.
Go on a 90 mile bike ride to my childhood home for fun to check the area out. I think a yearly thing like that would be a good idea.
Get a job.
Finish this associates degree. Decide what to do afterwards of course.
Get out some.
Actually this list is much shorter than last years list. I guess I did more than I thought.
The ultimate purpose of a parent is to ensure that his/her child can become a wholesome/independent individual. By forcing you to care for her for 13 years, she has done nothing but hinder your life.
It'll hurt like hell. She will guilt trip you. Regardless, you need to be free.
Move out.
Unfortunately that has gone out the window and her "talking" turns into mumbles because her speech has become slurred from the MS taking it's toll. She is only capable of saying a few words. After that she definitely has not been a great mother, what with many different occasions of verbal and some physical abuse, but was a long time ago. She tried to be a good parent before she got sick, but she may very well have been sick before I was born, since she tried to kill me when I was a baby.
I was forced when I was 13-18, but I chose to stay home for my brothers and family mostly.
Unfortunately moving is out of the question. I almost have my degree and moving would make it much harder to get there, not to mention increase the price per credit hour for each class if I move out of county.
With the new year I thought up some resolutions. Some simple things that I definitely need to do and others I would like to work at.
1. Get my associates degree this year, by this summer hopefully.
2. Get a job.
3. Get my first car. If it is possible with a job.
4. Exercise. Definitely want to get below 300, but that should be easy so at the very least I want to get down to 275 this year and 250 if at all possible.
5. See a psychologist much more often and make sure I stop holding back during sessions. Let's face it I am definitely depressed and need plenty of help.
6. Go on 90 mile bike trip.
7. Think better throughout the year.
8. Start drawing again, maybe take an art class.
Today I also lost a friend. Her depression got the best of her and I see just how much friends mean to me. I look back at the good times me and her had together, especially since she was the relationship I had for 6 months. For me it was an amazing feeling having someone that liked me for me for the first time in my life, someone that enjoyed my stupid jokes. Having fun with her was a simple as talking to her over the internet for hours as I would make an old lady voice and say stupid things. Gifts were as simple as leveling a character in WoW, playing some LoL, or even catching some Pokemon for her. She was an amazing person and I am glad to have known her and I am glad for what she did for me and to me before, during, and after we were together. I may have only seen pictures of her, but to me she was the most beautiful girl I have ever laid eyes on, and was the first time I was ever attracted to someone based solely on looks. I hate the games she played with me, how she tugged on my stings and pressed my buttons in the last few months, but I am also sad that things had to come to this.
Even now I can't explain how things even came to this. Did I do something wrong? Could I have prevented this? Maybe if I had done one or two less stupid things, said something different when we were breaking up, that maybe then I could have stopped all of these gears from being set in motion, maybe I could have kept her happy and she wouldn't have given up the way she had. It may not be perfectly manly, but all of this right now brings tears to my eyes as I remember how happy she was. I would say more on it, but I don't think we have the space allotted for the amount I would put down.
With this I see that if I ever want that feeling again that I need to really get out there and live and the list above is a damn good start, at least that is what I think. I want to feel that type of happiness again, not only with someone that I care about, but who also cares for me, but also so I can feel that type of happiness towards myself. I agree completely about what some of you said. My biggest problems right now is my confidence and that lack of a job. I need to work on these two areas the most. With confidence I can finally start feeling like I have a place in this world, no matter how small. With a job I can finally get my first car, afford the hobbies I have been meaning to, and just the ability to do the things I would like to on a whim are great abilities to have.
The confidence I will need to work on greatly with a doctor of some sort and I have thought on the possibility of medication to possibly help me along with that process of gaining even some of it. I will need to open up to my psychologist, both at school and the one I pay for, so they can have all the information to help me. They can not help if I am nervous and hold back.
As for the job, my only real stipulation is no fast food, I already did that for 3 1/2 years and it is something I would rather not have to go through again, I know it sounds stupid as I don't have a job, but that experience is one I definitely don't want to do twice. My school schedule has changed, which means I can actually have a chance to make it somewhere, even with the cold and snow, so as soon as things settle with school and I see how much attention I will have to put towards these classes I shall start applying to places. Of course with weather, distance my be a problem as does the constant awareness with my mother, just in case I need to stay home because a nurse doesn't make it that day.
I want to move on with my life, to actually have a life for once. The list above is a nice set of goals, but I am going to need to make a plan and stick to it, which will be the hardest part for me. I want to live a life that I know I deserve and I want to be happy with who I have become.
We had a sick child with social problems, way younger than you are. But what seemed to help was to keep a diary where she was more comfortable saying things and then kept things itemized a bit when meeting with her doctor. So something similar to that, even as simple as a list can keep your doctor on task to find ways to pick the ice and help you get comfortable to talk. You have to give them something to begin with, otherwise they're just randomly drilling which if you know anything about oil exploration even for a skilled geologist can-take-years. You really want to wait years?
Also, keep your goals small and baby steps as you scale in capacity and take good risks. Like getting a small promotion at a new work place, if you feel intimidated that's good and take the job and just ask a lot of questions.
Always ask questions, always show appreciation even for mundane things. It's the small things that matter to people, and as you get into a more prosocial environment those small things will help you along the way as people reflect those same attributes back to you.
Ambition must be made to counteract ambition.
Individualities may form communities, but it is institutions alone that can create a nation.
Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
Here is my principle: Taxes shall be levied according to ability to pay. That is the only American principle.
Are you your Mom's sole caretaker? If so, are you her health care proxy? These questions are important because they kinda decide what you can do. If the answer is no to both then you can just leave. I'm not suggesting that you do so but if you aren't legally responsible for your mother you don't have to care for her. Its clear that doing so is getting in the way of you living your own life and so a new plan needs to be worked out. Be polite and have a discussion(as much as you can considering her ailment) about why you are quitting as her caretaker and brainstorm other solutions. If you are your mom's health care proxy then you can decide to change what sort of care she receives. There are plenty of facilities that are equipped to help your mother live a full and healthy life.
When I was first seeing my school's psychologist I did come up with a list every session, not all that sure why I suddenly stopped doing that. I did tend to talk a lot about my first girlfriend even when I planned to not do that, but I guess she was always on my mind with everything that went on the last few months. I will need to move past her though, not that she is gone, although I must admit it is hard to not think of her right now, but I suppose I will have to.
When school starts back up I shall start making appointments again to the school's doctor and I will definitely try to make the focus on me rather than her.
That is true, I think I regret not taking a manager position at my first job, at least that would look good on some sort of application or resume, but I definitely did not enjoy that place after 3 1/2 years. I won't get into each thing as that would be stupid now since I quit two years ago.
I think the best first step would be getting a job and then look into whatever sort of promotion such a place would have. Although it isn't what I think and more like that is what needs to happen I suppose.
I don't know how social I will become, but I am at least polite enough to say thank you when I receive rides from people and have tried to help shovel peoples drive ways, although they always say they "got it".
I am not the primary care giver. There is also my step-dad and my youngest brother. My little brother moved out early this.......errr last year. He only lives a few miles away, but always seems to come up with some way to not come and help, mostly because he doesn't know how to drive (he is 23) and relies on his girlfriend for that. My step-dad works 12 hours Mon-Fri, from 10 to 10 so he isn't home a lot, and my youngest brother is 16. I sort of chose to stay home so my brothers wouldn't have to.
We have some nursing company that sends nurses to our house from about 9 a.m. to 10 p.m., which basically allows me to go to school and, for some reason they are not allowed to give her pills, so every night I need to make sure that gets done. Even with the nurses, if one of them doesn't make it to the house that day I need to take care of her during that time.
As for somewhere that could take care of her, for the last week we put her into Hospice House, we are allowed to put her there every couple of months for a little vacation for the family and her. They finally have seen what she has been doing, the things we explain and they sort of wave off because she acts like a perfect angel whenever someone comes to the house and then goes right back to how she usually acts 2 minutes after they leave. So with that they are trying to get her medication right so that way my step-dad can sleep without her waking up and talking constantly and taking care of her can become a simpler task.
My family has thought about the nursing home, and unfortunately we found out the best way to look at them is to go to the morgue and see just how well those nursing homes took care of them. If we put her into it the little money she gets from the government won't be coming in and we won't be able to live in the house. Which then means me moving to my dad's and the complications it will bring to both getting to and paying for school.
I know what you are thinking "Since you are not the only one you can just stop it", but unfortunately I can't do that. My brother is already a messed up little kid and definitely isn't ready for a responsibility such as what I have had to do. To be honest I would probably do what my brother does now, come up with excuses to not have to take care of her after I would move.
She can no longer have a full life and I can see it disappearing much quicker than I used to. It's a scary thing to watch someone you care about just decay in front of you like that. Makes me wonder if something similar is in store for me. She can no longer walk, her strength is mostly gone in her body, she mumbles through most of her speech, and has a catheter in her. I bet it will be within the next 5 years that she passes.
My apologies for making that response so long.
Are you your 16 year old brother's guardian? Because if you aren't you shouldn't assume anything about what role he would play in your mom's care if you left. Teen caretakers are on the rise, as people are having children later in life these days, and at 16 your brother should be capable of basic care. At least give him a chance to do a thing or two. No, he won't want to but by offering him a chance you are showing confidence in him and taking a load off yourself. Working yourself to death will not make you a hero in his eyes, so why not co-op him into doing some of your work? I know sometimes its hard to understand teenagers and I've learned from experience that there is often more to their behavior than meets the eye. It must be awful to grow up in a household where your mother is wilting before your eyes. Have you considered that maybe your brother could use a shoulder to lean on and counseling as well?
I do not believe we are guardians in any legal sense. He does do the basic stuff that any teenager does, dishes and what not, but when it comes to her he hasn't done to much. Sometimes I ask.....tell him mostly, to come sit with me and her if I am forced to watch her, which doesn't include much of anything, but sitting in the living room and watching television. For the most part he has only known her to be sick and isn't all that knowledgeable on how to handle her in some situations, not to mention when it comes to something like changing her clothes, giving her the pills she needs, or taking her to the bathroom is definitely not something we have tried to show him. He isn't necessarily a bad kid, but he has been a tad sheltered, both from me trying to make sure he doesn't have to do anything I have had to do, but also from my step-dad, his actual dad, keeping him from quite a few things, and of course himself being the normal teenage shut in. He does karate, and does pretty well at it from what I figure, at least all those medals he brings home sort of shows that I suppose.
Sure I give him a rough time with teasing, but I try have tried to teach him some things, I even taught him how to ride a bike last year, as he just never learned, which has given him a bit of freedom. I have taught him Magic, but he still does his normal thing of not paying attention and then blames his cards, which I then beat him with his own and he wonders how I do it. My teasing has gotten to the point where he even ignores my normal advice, thinking I am making fun of him, which is fair, but he tends to not pay attention with quite a few things as well. He also tends to not have too much pride in his own work.
While this may be wrong to say, the worst thing about taking care of her is her relentless talking. She just won't shut up, it is like she needs something done every moment of the day for her and we are lucky if she stops for 30 minutes (this isn't really anything new, she has always been spoiled this way). She has a very limited memory now and even telling her that something will be happening in X amount of time she will continue to ask for it like she is 4 years old. Then she throws her own style of trample by slamming something around, usually just punching the couch or slamming a cup into the table next to her. This of course happens at night as well and has led to my step-dad getting a couple of hours of sleep a night or sleeping on the couch because of it.
I don't even know where she gets this energy. She sometimes sleeps for 4 hours and continues her onslaught of speech for close to 20 hours until we force her into bed. I can only hope that this week of staying at the Hospice House has mellowed her out some and things can get to some semblance of normal.\
I really need to figure out how to express this stuff in a much shorter way.
Make sure to keep your resolutions realistic and reasonable. Motivation for them wears out around February for most people. Of these 8, I'd definitely encourage you to do 1, 2, 4, 5 and 8. If you are in community college, 8 is is definitely accomplisheable. I recommend taking the intro-level drawing class.
As far as the car is concerned, you can buy a cheap used car, but recognize that insurance payments go with it, and you'll want a decent amount in savings at any given time (over $1,000) in case it needs repair work done. If you haven't owned a car before, I'd read up on car maintenance so you don't destroy it by accident (like, for instance, forgetting to get an oil change or never checking your tire pressure, etc.)
For number 4, take it easy on the weight loss. Losing too much too fast can be just as damaging as staying overweight - you'll have problems with your blood pressure and blood sugar levels. If you are over 300, aim for getting below 300 first. Losing 10 pounds a month for a few months is a reasonable goal, and pretty easy to accomplish by simply restricting (or eliminating) a lot of unnecessary sugar intake (soda, sweets, etc.). You'll be surprised by what you can lose from just cutting soda from all but a meal or two a week.
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I am in college currently, so it should be easily possible, if I can change the lab class I am supposed to do with an art class, which is also considered lab, that would definitely be a plus.
I have never owned a car, I actually got my license about 6 months ago (at the age of 24). I did have the opportunity to get the old family car, if I paid to get it fixed, but I would have been unable to afford the gas or insurance. The fix was around $1000. I do check car prices in local newspaper and for random cars as I am about from time to time, and people do put the price of their cars a little high.
I was losing weight the last year and a half. (Note: this next part is not supposed to sound depressing) When I met my first girlfriend I was having a hard time with my past, my early childhood to be exact, when my parents got divorced.
Around two summers ago I became extremely nostalgic and one random night I decided to bike there. The town is about 45 miles away. I decided to go at 2 a.m. I picked up some bottles of water at a gas station and went on my way with a camera, to take pictures of the place of course. I was wearing all black at the time, just happened to be what I was wearing that day, and my current bike at the time and my backpack were black as well........I do not own many colorful things as you can tell. Anyways, it was about 85 degrees outside, even during that time of night, and I happened to make it about 12 miles total. The whole time I was on the side of the free way, it being the only way I knew how to get there at the time. Yes, I knew how illegal and dangerous it was, which might have been what I wanted at the time of that depression (not exactly convincing when I meant this to be not depressing.) I made sure to watch out for cars and always kept an eye out, but around the 12 mile mark I saw some head lights at the corner of my eye that were not going away, so I turned my head and there are the red and blue flashing lights of a police car. I bet the cop was thinking "What the hell?" the entire time he followed me for however long it was.
Well we went through the questions of who, what, where, when, why, and how. During the whole questionnaire two more cops came, and they also asked me questions. They searched through my bag, nothing of surprise there, and ran me through their protocol for such things. In the end the first cop asked me "I can either take you back to your house or take you to the next on ramp and you can go about your way, which is it?" I took the first option seeing as it was about 45 minutes with all of that talking and they ruined my second wind. I got home about 3 1/2 hours later after I left and my family had no idea I even left, until the next morning when I said "I was in a cop car last night" at complete random. (I actually laugh at this set of events, it was pretty damn funny.)
Well with my girlfriend and how much I loved her I decided I needed to see that place for my own well being, and because I said I would kill myself if I didn't by my birthday (totally convincing so far). I trained for about 1 1/2 months, riding my bike about 10-13 miles every single day and on September 27, 2011 I left my house at 4 a.m. and took off on my little bike trip. I had supplies with me and this was fully planned. 12 hours later, on the dot almost, I made it to my childhood home. I walked the trails, sat at the lake and really thought about what happened during the time that weighed heavy on my mind, stared at the swamp, and took plenty of pictures. My dad picked me up, and he wanted to see the sights as well, and a few hours later I was back at home, followed by a full week of being sore.
Here is that album from that little trip of mine. (ignore that guy in the first pictures, that totally isn't me......) Just in case any of you were interested.
Last year I really got into the exercising, lost something along 25 lbs. while I had my 2nd job and was exercising quite often during it. Biking 17 miles in 1 hr. 10 min. is my best. My first bike broke, which led to problems keeping up with it and then my new one was giving me some problems as well so I slowed down on it while I was also lifting some weights.
I had planned to do the same bike trip, except bike all the way back last September, but my only weekend I set aside for the trip it rained the entire weekend. This year maybe I can do the same, or at least do the normal 45 miles and get picked up again.
I know I won't be 175 lb. greek god type of fit, but my dream goal of weight is about 220, don't need abs, just a flat stomach, or at least one that doesn't jiggle when I brush my teeth.
Now that I read this segment, it sort of sounds like I made her out to be dead, which that isn't true, but I was hoping I could ask for your opinion and wisdom on this matter, as it is what has been on my mind this last week.
Trying rather hard to not seem incredibly depressed and negative at this moment, so if I come off being that (although I probably already have through this little thread) I do not mean to.
How do you get over someone that has meant and done so much for yourself? Even after we broke up it was hard to forget her, especially when our paths crossed quite frequently. She helped me an incredible amount before, during, and even some after. She was the first person that made me feel happy, truly happy, in a long time and after she was like a sister to me.
I am very sentimental, and while I have nothing from her I have plenty on my computer from when we were dating, usually things I made for her and it reminds me of a lot of things.
Maybe it is just me, but it just seems to suck more than normal, how everything happened andI am having trouble wrapping my head around it all and plenty of questions that just won't seem to stop when I have little going on, which is quite often.
How do you folks get over someone that meant so much to you? Am I trying to get over this quicker than I should or just let time do it's thing?
It can take a while to get over it. There is no 'right' amount of time, but if it having a strongly negative impact on your ability to function, talking to a mental health professional about it might be a good idea (honestly, from most of what you've said you wouldn't go wrong to do so in general).
You should probably get rid of easy accessible reminders. Find your pictures of her, stuff that reminds you of her stronger, Burn the stuff on your PC to a CD (then delete it from your hard drive), and then put that stuff away where you store stuff in the house. It'll be a good nostalgic reflection in the future, but right now you don't need constant reminders.
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It isn't really stopping me from doing much right now, but I can tell my mood hasn't been the brightest lately. I have been real quick to anger as well.
Can't say I will enjoy it, but I guess I will have to so it makes it easier for me.