I tried to take a minor step yesterday as I was out and about. I went to a Barnes & Nobles and was looking for art books, game design (mostly on how to do those two), fitness, and self improvement books. I found plenty of how to game design, although I do not have any of those programs, and there wasn't much in the way of how to draw, and fitness and self improvement I didn't know where to start, but I saw what was available.
I did find a book at school, while I was getting my class books for the semester, called "Animation, Writing, and Design" so it incorporated it all in a little booklet, so I thought I would give that a read.
My step-dad also bought a home gym, or whatever it is, and about 250 lbs. of weights for it, so I do have access to more equipment now. My new classes are spread out on the same days and I have about 1 hr 45 min between each so I could use the school's gym if I do not have much in the way of school work to do.
I guess all of that is a start to doing things I want.
My mother was put into The Hospice House a couple of days ago again, because of her restlessness (meaning her constant talking and her banging of things when she doesn't get something immediately) and infection from a catheter this time. My step-father went there and one of the nurses, who had no idea who he is, said that she should go into a nursing home. He asked me what I thought and I said I both want and don't want her to go there.
If they can figure out her restlessness things can be fine, but if they can't then I am pretty sure she will be in a nursing home in less than half a year.
I can't say I didn't see this coming, but not this quickly. Last year I thought "5 years max" then this brief year so far I thought "2 to 3 years". I have to wonder what will happen. Well actually I know that, my family gets rid of the house, I most likely go to live with my dad, but I wonder how I can get to school from my dad's house.
I was hoping that this would happen after I was done with my associates degree this summer, maybe after I had found a part time job, at least.
Update again on this. It looks like I am going to trial soon because my mother said my family has been abusing her. I don't know any of the specifics, but we have been warned that something might happen because of this.
I really don't get it. I. Just. Don't.
I bet you people don't believe me, but I can't wrap my head around all of this.
I am not exactly sure, I am not even sure if I am going to trial, but what little I do know is that her sisters, the oh so great aunts of mine with nothing, but pure black sludge for hearts, say they can see plenty of bruises on her, which started all of this I suppose. Which is weird because I changed her not more than a day before she went to the Hospice House and there wasn't a scratch on her, besides the bleeding inside.
I am really tired of her family doing this every single time something happens with her and even times when nothing is actually happening with her. She only went in for an infection and to get her pills straight, hopefully. I don't see how this has turned into this.
I am seriously thinking of taking some sort of legal action against them at some point. They have tried to take me away from my family, my brothers as well, quite a few times, and have been pretty much *****es to me and my family, except my mother.
Edit: Okay now that I think about that last part that is probably just me being angry, but this is seriously starting to get to the point of something needs to be done.
I don't know how you should handle such a situation, since I have no experience whatsoever with it, but I will recommend the following-
-Keep your patience with everyone. It will be incredibly difficult, but you do not want to give anyone anything to work with, moreso if this could be a case of relatives doing things.
-Document as much of everything as you can with actual proof.
-This bears repeating- Stay calm and patient. Legal cases more often than not really come down to appearances. Show that you are a good human being, and it will naturally be more difficult for charges of abuse levied against you to look realistic. If you find yourself in a position where you can take your mother's sisters to work, do it in a straight-forward and factual manner. No emotions involved.
That being said, I suppose it's also relevant that you don't look too mechanical, but I doubt that'll be an issue.
If this does go that far all I can do is say the truth about all of the stuff I was quiet about way back when that I hid so nothing would happen to me and my brothers and her. I would say so many things that I would say here, but would make this 14 pages long.
I will also show them just how much has gone on during the last 12 years.
I don't have MS, so I can't speak as to how something like that would affect a person. That said:
I used to be extremely introverted. I didn't have many friends (none I would have considered close, not even my family). I lived in a place that was very isolated (socially and culturally). Making small talk was impossible and I was extremely awkward around girls. And I was angry. You might not have known, I don't think anyone did, but I was. Very very angry. I think that's why people were surprised when they saw me lift or play football or wrestle. I was taking all the anger I had and channeling it into physical punishment directed at myself or at someone else (in a "controlled" environment).
Compare that to today. I have lots of friends, I can talk to anyone, and I'm quite happy with life in general. What changed? I stopped caring what other people think. Don't like my opinion or my clothes or this or that? **** you.
**** you with a smile. That I think was the secret. I'm going to do what makes me happy. "You listen to Brittney Spears?!?" Yeah, I do. Don't like it? **** you. So there’s that. How I experience life is a little different. But I had to get here before I could really say I was living life.
I don’t know what limitations you have from MS, but I prefer to experience life through physical and emotional sensation. There is something….transcendent about giving yourself over to sensation for some amount of time. Try letting joy, fear, pain or pleasure sweep over your body and mind and consume you for some amount of time. Find something you’re scared of and force yourself to do it. Find something you felt guilty about doing. Let the embarrassment wash over you, then let joy do the same thing as you do it.
Say yes to everything that’s even remotely reasonable. Do yoga. Find a book that will make you cry. Run until your body makes you stop. Do something to help a complete stranger. Do something to help a friend. And when someone says “you can’t do that”, smile and say “**** you”.
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Got a phone call from a policeman about the accusations with my mother and I have to go there to answer some questions.
From what I know is that this is just like what she did to my dad, he was about my age when things similar to this was happening to him. I know my mother thinks I am him every so often, and I know that during their divorce and other trials, no one believed my dad then and I am afraid the same will happen now and it looks like I am the main suspect in all of this.
What if I say something just the wrong way? What if I didn't say something? What if the same happens with me that happened to my dad, him being the only one with the truth and no one cares what I have to say? What if I go to jail? The courts are always so much easy going on women than men, that's how my mother got me and my brother.
I am incredibly scared guys and I am having trouble keeping it together. I know all I need is to tell the truth, but this can all go wrong so easily.
I'm afraid folks. I am really afraid she is going to win this in the end and I will pay the price one more time and I don't know if I can go through this stuff again.
Got a phone call from a policeman about the accusations with my mother and I have to go there to answer some questions.
From what I know is that this is just like what she did to my dad, he was about my age when things similar to this was happening to him. I know my mother thinks I am him every so often, and I know that during their divorce and other trials, no one believed my dad then and I am afraid the same will happen now and it looks like I am the main suspect in all of this.
What if I say something just the wrong way? What if I didn't say something? What if the same happens with me that happened to my dad, him being the only one with the truth and no one cares what I have to say? What if I go to jail? The courts are always so much easy going on women than men, that's how my mother got me and my brother.
I am incredibly scared guys and I am having trouble keeping it together. I know all I need is to tell the truth, but this can all go wrong so easily.
I'm afraid folks. I am really afraid she is going to win this in the end and I will pay the price one more time and I don't know if I can go through this stuff again.
First of all, relax.
Second, stop posting about a possible legal case here. The only advice we can give you is talk to a lawyer. Also possible talk to a therapist to help extricate yourself from a toxic family situation.
If the police are interviewing you, you want to talk to a lawyer. You don't want to mistakenly say something now, even unintentionally, and have it come up against you later.
In these kinds of cases it is very difficult to prove abuse, especially with a non-mobile sick person. Talk to a lawyer first.
Say yes to everything that’s even remotely reasonable. Do yoga. Find a book that will make you cry. Run until your body makes you stop. Do something to help a complete stranger. Do something to help a friend. And when someone says “you can’t do that”, smile and say “**** you”.
To the bold part.
Everyone actually tells me I can do anything, that I am special, smart, and all sorts of encouragement. The person that says the things in bold there is me. Back during 8th grade I had an amazing art teacher and he nominated me for the student of the month, and won, because he said "He uses his own negativity to push himself, always trying to do better." Makes me wonder where that went. Maybe I pushed myself a little too far?
Now this is usually something someone says after they were drinking and can't remember the night before, but there is officially no warrant for my arrest and things look like they are going to get back to normal.
I have decided to stop looking at pornography. I believe it is part of the reason my mood is the way it is. The last few times I tried to stop looking at it were probably my best months with having a girlfriend, had a job, and just generally more happy, motivated, and confident. So I am going to see if not looking at it again will have the same effect on me.
I even started looking for a job, although that has been a little harder, not many places to get to during the winter outside of a bus route and walking, not to mention needing a lot of experience for some pretty simple jobs.
My family, and her side of the family, were basically taken to court to solve this whole issue. I did not go to the court case for it as I had important things to do at school that day and I know I probably would have made things worse, if not better. From what I understand my aunts and grandmother finally fessed up to the things I had accused them of long ago, but they denied, and my step-dad tried his best. Unfortunately, we are not going to be my mother's guardians in any way any more. What that means I have no idea, but if anything it looks like the state will be taking charge of her care, which may or may not be a good thing, what with nursing homes being what they are.
Personally, I don't think I can care anymore about my mother. Maybe it is me seeing that this is coming to an end in some way, but I am starting to wonder if I will ever want to see her again (I haven't seen her since she left for the hospital over two months ago.)
With this I will most likely be forced to move at some point this year, at least the way it looks right now. My dad has been quite looking forward to me needing to move in, me on the other hand I am pretty much a bundle of nerves lately. While I was at school a few weeks ago I had a panic attack in the art gallery from the situation and me being angry and jealous at all of the middle/high school kids art (that was what the gallery was showing at my school) that was there. I also wondered how this moving thing will benefit me and make me change.
That is the biggest question I have been having, me changing and how any of this will do that. I run through each thing I both need and want to change and it seems like something I can't climb over. Figuring out what to do for my bachelors degree, hell if I will even be able to get to school after moving, my weight, a job (before and after moving), my depression, my social life (if any), dating life, and everything else I can't think of right now.
Can't say I am excited to move, since I don't really want to move, but I guess this if life's way of kicking me in the ass and out the door in some way.
Well, for better or worse it sounds like the biggest external problems in your life has been resolved.
I suggest you strike out on your own now. Get a job, move out, and establish your identity as an adult. Decide what you want to do with your life, and take the steps you need in that direction.
I (am many others) will speak from personal experience: You will discover more about yourself and what kind of person you are in the first 2 months of living on your own than you have in your entire life up to this point. You may find a lot of the root causes of the issues you are having was the lack of freedom and self determination that comes with delaying the start of your adult life.
Once you go out in the world on your own, one way or the other you will find out who you really are, what you are able to handle, and what kind of life you are able to make for yourself
Well, for better or worse it sounds like the biggest external problems in your life has been resolved.
I suggest you strike out on your own now. Get a job, move out, and establish your identity as an adult. Decide what you want to do with your life, and take the steps you need in that direction.
I (am many others) will speak from personal experience: You will discover more about yourself and what kind of person you are in the first 2 months of living on your own than you have in your entire life up to this point. You may find a lot of the root causes of the issues you are having was the lack of freedom and self determination that comes with delaying the start of your adult life.
Once you go out in the world on your own, one way or the other you will find out who you really are, what you are able to handle, and what kind of life you are able to make for yourself
I am definitely looking for a job right now to help me with some of those very things. It will take some time to get the job, to get the car, to get the new place, to get my own life started.
Sooner or later I will get these experiences I have been missing.
A little bit about myself before I get into it. I am 25 and live at home with my parents so I can help take care of my sick mother whom has Multiple Sclerosis (MS). I have been doing this for the last 12 years since she was first diagnosed with this illness.
So lately I have been noticing a few things about what is going on in my life, this has mostly been about how I have no life and how it has been me who has systematically done this to myself. I won't get into any of the real specifics or my usual stupid emotion full drivel, but for the few who don't know or didn't want to remember my biggest issue is my sick mother who has multiple sclerosis, I stay home to help take care of her as the need arises, which has been quite frequently lately. I find myself wanting to reinvent myself as a person, but my home life and no car find myself hard pressed to do much about it, not to mention certain mental and emotional hangups that keep me from even attempting such things.
On to my quandary for this particular situation. I have been finding myself thinking just how I can experience life, how to have a life as it were. I ask myself these types of questions to myself quite often and the answer, to me at least, should be something I should know by now. I should know how to experience life, but for some reason I do not.
I recently made the joke to myself that life for me is much like how high school algebra was for a good majority of my class mates. No matter how much I tutored, showed, explained, walked them through step by step, and even doing the problems for them they could not grasp something as simple as the order you solve problems (multiplication/division then addition/subtraction as an example) and ultimately giving up with something along the lines of "I won't be able to get this." I am finding that life itself is much in the same way as my old classmates, while also finding it sort of ironic that math comes so easily to me while life is a mystery when it was the complete opposite for most everyone at my high school.
Now I know what you may be thinking of telling me "Just go out and do it", and I would agree, if not for the fact that I would answer "How?" because I have no clue on how to do that. I know that life is a huge mystery to damn near close to everyone, but it seems to me that I am having much more trouble than the average person at even grasping the idea of how to experience life. I am finding this particularly true as my emotions and mental standings with many things have been the Wankavator at the end of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, where it goes in all directions. I also find myself lately to be forgetting even the things that I am looking forward to.
In all honesty also this post alone I thought of for two weeks to make sure I didn't get all depressey and whiney to not piss any more of you off.
So I guess that since I have explained what is current dilemma and since I didn't actually ask anything I guess my best questions to all of you would be.....how did you figure this out? What do you do that makes you "experience life"? What would you folks suggest for someone like me that is stuck at home and with no car. Am I making it harder then it really is or could there easily be something wrong with me?
okay listen carefully. you need to go out and do things you like. You need to make friends. Meet people with the same interest as you.
I don't want to sound harsh because you are doing an amazing thing taking care of your mom. But I am sure your mom would also like to see you happy.
It does not sound like you are happy. Don't just write about re-inventing yourself. Go out and do it.
Whenever I'm lazy and procrastinating, i make myself go out and run. It helps me think a lot and I get straight to work after.
If you really need to stay home, you can join an online community like youtube. I'm on the tube all the time and its actually very fun. Plus extremely social with google plus.
However, I would suggest trying to join a sports team of some type. My neighborhood has a soccer team and volley ball team.
If you want your life to improve you have to do it. Not just say it.
I really should. I won't make excuses, but I will say that it is hard for me to stay motivated even for short periods of time, it has especially been bad lately.
Tomorrow I am going to do what I can in getting a primary doctor and possibly a psychiatrist, the later so I can deal with these panic attacks I have been having lately and with the depression I have had for quite some time.
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I did find a book at school, while I was getting my class books for the semester, called "Animation, Writing, and Design" so it incorporated it all in a little booklet, so I thought I would give that a read.
My step-dad also bought a home gym, or whatever it is, and about 250 lbs. of weights for it, so I do have access to more equipment now. My new classes are spread out on the same days and I have about 1 hr 45 min between each so I could use the school's gym if I do not have much in the way of school work to do.
I guess all of that is a start to doing things I want.
My mother was put into The Hospice House a couple of days ago again, because of her restlessness (meaning her constant talking and her banging of things when she doesn't get something immediately) and infection from a catheter this time. My step-father went there and one of the nurses, who had no idea who he is, said that she should go into a nursing home. He asked me what I thought and I said I both want and don't want her to go there.
If they can figure out her restlessness things can be fine, but if they can't then I am pretty sure she will be in a nursing home in less than half a year.
I can't say I didn't see this coming, but not this quickly. Last year I thought "5 years max" then this brief year so far I thought "2 to 3 years". I have to wonder what will happen. Well actually I know that, my family gets rid of the house, I most likely go to live with my dad, but I wonder how I can get to school from my dad's house.
I was hoping that this would happen after I was done with my associates degree this summer, maybe after I had found a part time job, at least.
I really don't get it. I. Just. Don't.
I bet you people don't believe me, but I can't wrap my head around all of this.
What?
That's just messed up. You must be feeling absolutely beat up right now..
I am really tired of her family doing this every single time something happens with her and even times when nothing is actually happening with her. She only went in for an infection and to get her pills straight, hopefully. I don't see how this has turned into this.
I am seriously thinking of taking some sort of legal action against them at some point. They have tried to take me away from my family, my brothers as well, quite a few times, and have been pretty much *****es to me and my family, except my mother.
Edit: Okay now that I think about that last part that is probably just me being angry, but this is seriously starting to get to the point of something needs to be done.
-Keep your patience with everyone. It will be incredibly difficult, but you do not want to give anyone anything to work with, moreso if this could be a case of relatives doing things.
-Document as much of everything as you can with actual proof.
-This bears repeating- Stay calm and patient. Legal cases more often than not really come down to appearances. Show that you are a good human being, and it will naturally be more difficult for charges of abuse levied against you to look realistic. If you find yourself in a position where you can take your mother's sisters to work, do it in a straight-forward and factual manner. No emotions involved.
That being said, I suppose it's also relevant that you don't look too mechanical, but I doubt that'll be an issue.
I will also show them just how much has gone on during the last 12 years.
I don't have MS, so I can't speak as to how something like that would affect a person. That said:
I used to be extremely introverted. I didn't have many friends (none I would have considered close, not even my family). I lived in a place that was very isolated (socially and culturally). Making small talk was impossible and I was extremely awkward around girls. And I was angry. You might not have known, I don't think anyone did, but I was. Very very angry. I think that's why people were surprised when they saw me lift or play football or wrestle. I was taking all the anger I had and channeling it into physical punishment directed at myself or at someone else (in a "controlled" environment).
Compare that to today. I have lots of friends, I can talk to anyone, and I'm quite happy with life in general. What changed? I stopped caring what other people think. Don't like my opinion or my clothes or this or that? **** you.
**** you with a smile. That I think was the secret. I'm going to do what makes me happy. "You listen to Brittney Spears?!?" Yeah, I do. Don't like it? **** you. So there’s that. How I experience life is a little different. But I had to get here before I could really say I was living life.
I don’t know what limitations you have from MS, but I prefer to experience life through physical and emotional sensation. There is something….transcendent about giving yourself over to sensation for some amount of time. Try letting joy, fear, pain or pleasure sweep over your body and mind and consume you for some amount of time. Find something you’re scared of and force yourself to do it. Find something you felt guilty about doing. Let the embarrassment wash over you, then let joy do the same thing as you do it.
Say yes to everything that’s even remotely reasonable. Do yoga. Find a book that will make you cry. Run until your body makes you stop. Do something to help a complete stranger. Do something to help a friend. And when someone says “you can’t do that”, smile and say “**** you”.
― Christopher Hitchens, God Is Not Great
Got a phone call from a policeman about the accusations with my mother and I have to go there to answer some questions.
From what I know is that this is just like what she did to my dad, he was about my age when things similar to this was happening to him. I know my mother thinks I am him every so often, and I know that during their divorce and other trials, no one believed my dad then and I am afraid the same will happen now and it looks like I am the main suspect in all of this.
What if I say something just the wrong way? What if I didn't say something? What if the same happens with me that happened to my dad, him being the only one with the truth and no one cares what I have to say? What if I go to jail? The courts are always so much easy going on women than men, that's how my mother got me and my brother.
I am incredibly scared guys and I am having trouble keeping it together. I know all I need is to tell the truth, but this can all go wrong so easily.
I'm afraid folks. I am really afraid she is going to win this in the end and I will pay the price one more time and I don't know if I can go through this stuff again.
First of all, relax.
Second, stop posting about a possible legal case here. The only advice we can give you is talk to a lawyer. Also possible talk to a therapist to help extricate yourself from a toxic family situation.
If the police are interviewing you, you want to talk to a lawyer. You don't want to mistakenly say something now, even unintentionally, and have it come up against you later.
In these kinds of cases it is very difficult to prove abuse, especially with a non-mobile sick person. Talk to a lawyer first.
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My apologies for being hysterical. I am trying to calm myself down right now, but it is proving to be difficult.
I will just have to tell the truth.
To the bold part.
Everyone actually tells me I can do anything, that I am special, smart, and all sorts of encouragement. The person that says the things in bold there is me. Back during 8th grade I had an amazing art teacher and he nominated me for the student of the month, and won, because he said "He uses his own negativity to push himself, always trying to do better." Makes me wonder where that went. Maybe I pushed myself a little too far?
I am definitely my worst enemy.
I have decided to stop looking at pornography. I believe it is part of the reason my mood is the way it is. The last few times I tried to stop looking at it were probably my best months with having a girlfriend, had a job, and just generally more happy, motivated, and confident. So I am going to see if not looking at it again will have the same effect on me.
I even started looking for a job, although that has been a little harder, not many places to get to during the winter outside of a bus route and walking, not to mention needing a lot of experience for some pretty simple jobs.
My family, and her side of the family, were basically taken to court to solve this whole issue. I did not go to the court case for it as I had important things to do at school that day and I know I probably would have made things worse, if not better. From what I understand my aunts and grandmother finally fessed up to the things I had accused them of long ago, but they denied, and my step-dad tried his best. Unfortunately, we are not going to be my mother's guardians in any way any more. What that means I have no idea, but if anything it looks like the state will be taking charge of her care, which may or may not be a good thing, what with nursing homes being what they are.
Personally, I don't think I can care anymore about my mother. Maybe it is me seeing that this is coming to an end in some way, but I am starting to wonder if I will ever want to see her again (I haven't seen her since she left for the hospital over two months ago.)
With this I will most likely be forced to move at some point this year, at least the way it looks right now. My dad has been quite looking forward to me needing to move in, me on the other hand I am pretty much a bundle of nerves lately. While I was at school a few weeks ago I had a panic attack in the art gallery from the situation and me being angry and jealous at all of the middle/high school kids art (that was what the gallery was showing at my school) that was there. I also wondered how this moving thing will benefit me and make me change.
That is the biggest question I have been having, me changing and how any of this will do that. I run through each thing I both need and want to change and it seems like something I can't climb over. Figuring out what to do for my bachelors degree, hell if I will even be able to get to school after moving, my weight, a job (before and after moving), my depression, my social life (if any), dating life, and everything else I can't think of right now.
Can't say I am excited to move, since I don't really want to move, but I guess this if life's way of kicking me in the ass and out the door in some way.
I suggest you strike out on your own now. Get a job, move out, and establish your identity as an adult. Decide what you want to do with your life, and take the steps you need in that direction.
I (am many others) will speak from personal experience: You will discover more about yourself and what kind of person you are in the first 2 months of living on your own than you have in your entire life up to this point. You may find a lot of the root causes of the issues you are having was the lack of freedom and self determination that comes with delaying the start of your adult life.
Once you go out in the world on your own, one way or the other you will find out who you really are, what you are able to handle, and what kind of life you are able to make for yourself
I am definitely looking for a job right now to help me with some of those very things. It will take some time to get the job, to get the car, to get the new place, to get my own life started.
Sooner or later I will get these experiences I have been missing.
It's hard not to put a Portal 2 reference here.
okay listen carefully. you need to go out and do things you like. You need to make friends. Meet people with the same interest as you.
I don't want to sound harsh because you are doing an amazing thing taking care of your mom. But I am sure your mom would also like to see you happy.
It does not sound like you are happy. Don't just write about re-inventing yourself. Go out and do it.
Whenever I'm lazy and procrastinating, i make myself go out and run. It helps me think a lot and I get straight to work after.
If you really need to stay home, you can join an online community like youtube. I'm on the tube all the time and its actually very fun. Plus extremely social with google plus.
However, I would suggest trying to join a sports team of some type. My neighborhood has a soccer team and volley ball team.
If you want your life to improve you have to do it. Not just say it.
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Tomorrow I am going to do what I can in getting a primary doctor and possibly a psychiatrist, the later so I can deal with these panic attacks I have been having lately and with the depression I have had for quite some time.