Hello everyone. I am a frequent poster but being that this is a personal matter I didnt feel comfortable posting with my other account.
I got married less than a year ago. My wife has been having issues which have lead to a less frequent sex life than I would like. Because of this I masturbated a lot and viewed porn. During the weekend my wife caught me.
It killed her to know that I was sneaking around hiding stuff from her. She also has some body image issues and it really hurt her to think that I wish she looked like a model.
I almost lost her over something so stupid... I feel horrible. I am also afraid I may be addicted to masturbation. I quickly reverted back to teenager levels of daily... I admitted everything to her and we talked a lot. I had her install parental controls on my computer so I couldnt view porn anymore. We are also trying to minimize my alone time...
I broke her trust and it kills me to know how bad I hurt her.
Does anyone here have any advice on how to rebuild that trust?
If there was a poll taken of married men asking them whether they used porn to masturbate on a regular basis, 90% would answer yes and the other 10% would be lying.
I honestly don't see how this could possibly be an issue unless y'all had some sort of "no masturbation" rule in effect. I mean, it's not like you cheated on her with another person, so I'm not seeing how you broke her trust.
Hell, my girl knows better than to check my browser history if we go more than a day without sex...
Seriously, guy, you need to look into getting some couple's counseling if your marriage is so fragile that it could almost be destroyed over something as silly as this.
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redthirst is redthirst, fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse. He was the leader of the Fires of Salvation, the only clan I'm aware of to get modded off the forums so hard they made their own forums.
Degenerate? Sure. Loudmouth? You bet. Law abiding? No ****ing way.
How is it hiding? You merely chose not to tell her because it's a bit awkward to say "Hey honey, since we're not having sex as often as I would like, I'm going to masturbate to get rid of the tension!"
And while I understand what you're talking about, it also sounds as though she hasn't considered how you're feeling in this at all. That's wrong. Did your talk basically revolve her accusing you of many things and you trying to talk your away through it? Did the issue your wife is having came up at any point?
Bit hard to convinced your wife that masturbation is a guy thing. Like people have mentioned before, we need some release. Heck, Internet porn isn't the only thing that guys would entertain (magazine, books, Victoria secret spring edition catalog).
Does she sees "guy's private time" (to me, alone time is vidgame or just plain met surf) as sinful? Marraige counselor might be the right answer for you guys.
As a teenager, I can't really say I have experience in this subject matter.
What I will say is: Is this even an issue?
Pornography is not a bad thing. It's natural. It's healthy even. Masturbation isn't something to be ashamed of and it shouldn't lead to marital issues. If you want to have more sex with your wife, have more sex with your wife. Try new things even. Re-ignite your sex drive with her. She shouldn't have a problem with you're masturbation though. You have to sit down and explain to her that it's a natural thing and every male does it, and it's nothing to do with her or her body.
Also, you may not be addicted to masturbation, just addicted to Pornography. Those are two very different addictions.
Does anyone here have any advice on how to rebuild that trust?
Here's how I would do it:
Talk it out with her. Tell her that you needed to satisfy your natural urges and masturbation was the only means of doing so. Everybody has a fantasy and those fantasies are purely imaginative and have no bearing on your love and dedication for your wife.
If she's not satisfied with that explanation then discuss reasonable alternatives on how to resolve the issue. My two recommendations would be to 1) spice up the sex life, or 2) go to a marriage counselor or sex therapist.
After that I can't really give you any further advice. Although I will say one thing: filtering the Internet and minimizing your alone time isn't going to work. It might appease your wife, but it's not going to resolve the issue.
I think as much as the dismal sex life is an issue you as a couple need to address, I think the red alert issue here is her self-esteem and trust issues leading to a controlling nature as well as your willingness to be controlled. That is not a solid foundation for any relationship and since it's already exploded over the benign issue of you masturbating to porn, I see those trust/self-esteem issues having a great potential to destroy your marriage.
Honestly, if any girl I was seeing launched into a tirade over betrayal and how I don't think she's attractive just because she caught me jerking off to porn, I'd be out of here. That's not a sign of a stable partner and I'm not here for chronic insecurities trying to control me. But I can understand the difference in a marriage and wanting to stay and fix things, so I suggest starting there. Your problems won't go away with her controlling your masturbation schedule.
We did talk about it quite a bit. I think the biggest problem for her was porn videos and me hiding it. She made reference that she might have been ok with just pictures. But when she caught me I was viewing one of those cam sites... which she viewed as a mild form of cheating.
It also seems that she just wishes I would have told her. I explain that I didnt talk to her because I thought it would be awkward. She wishes I would have asked what she was ok with me doing to get that release and it sounds a lot like she would have been willing to help me out instead of me sneaking around to do things privately.
So now the issue is that I have to somehow prove to her that I am trustworthy and rebuild that trust so she knows I wont just go do something else behind her back again.
Sing lustily and with good courage.
Be aware of singing as if you were half dead,
or half asleep:
but lift your voice with strength.
Be no more afraid of your voice now,
nor more ashamed of its being heard,
than when you sang the songs of Satan.
Did she really expect you to bring that up? How would she have wanted that conversation to go?
Honey, just FYI. I Rub one out on the regular..
If it was really a concern of hers, she should have asked.
To women reading this, MEN MASTURBATE!!
As far as trust issues go, I don't see how you betrayed her. It's not like you're seeking these women out. If she busted you on a dating site she'd have every right to be pissed. Pictures and videos are just a means to an end.
Tell her to think of it like gardening. Sure you can till the garden by hand, but why would you when you could use a rototiller. It doesn't mean you love gardening any less.
When my wife busted me she laughed and still to this day makes fun of me for it..
I'm inclined to agree with some of the other posters on this thread. Her being super upset about you partaking in a normal human function (women do it all the time too) says more about your relationship than it does about you personally. The parental control thing is... just sad. You are a grown adult and nobody should have control over every aspect of your life. Again, masturbation is a normal biological function.
There's a reason that sex is great for relationships. Our bodies reward this action with good feelings and positivity towards one another. It's a primal function that keeps us wanting to procreate. Naturally, in the absence of sex, you'll want to resort to masturbation. Have more sex would be my advice, but if that is somehow out of the question for one reason or another, I agree with Jubileus and redthirst. Go seek marriage counselling. It sounds like you and your wife have some things to work out.
But it sounds like to be there are other issues in the marriage if something as trivial as this could break up your marriage.
There are a number of things that will put a damper on your sex life. Such as pregancy, children, etc... you will find yourself at times needing to resort to your own devices.
I'm going to guess that neither you and your wife don't masturbate in front of each other. If you make masturbation and watching pornography a part of your relationship, then it would make it less taboo. Maybe you should introduce that into your relationship to help heat it up and take the taboo off sex and porno. She might be sensitive about body issue, maybe show her porn of big black dudes. She might like that and allow porno to exist in the realm of fantasy.
Considering a lot of people are like: "that's not a problem. Every one does it. It's not an issue." I thought I'd support you.
I recently went through this with my fiancé.
She didn't catch me viewing it... But she found a folder of it on my comp.
I can understand the females side. She doesn't think she's beautiful like I tell her she is. She thinks I rather have the models on the screen. When we do have passionate nights, she thinks I'm comparing them to what I saw on the screen. Or that I'm thinking of the person on the screen.
You just have to quit, it's the only answer. Assure her that you love her, and if you just wanted sex you could have that with random people all the time and you wouldn't be married. But she's the perfect person for you, the only one you want sex from and so on.
But you should also bring up, that because of how we are wired, we need sex. That's also something to work on.
I can understand the females side. She doesn't think she's beautiful like I tell her she is. She thinks I rather have the models on the screen. When we do have passionate nights, she thinks I'm comparing them to what I saw on the screen. Or that I'm thinking of the person on the screen.
You realize that's not an innate female quality and if fact just a product of insecurities that are in no way female-specific, right?
Also, and maybe this is just me, but if one partner is plagued with insecurities to the point of it being a drain on the relationship, I'm not sure it's entirely up to the other partner to fix things by changing and compromising. Not that change and compromise are bad things (far from it), but I think the focus should be on actually addressing the insecurities and not just adjusting the relationship to suit them. That is just putting dirt on top of a powder keg.
You just have to quit, it's the only answer. Assure her that you love her, and if you just wanted sex you could have that with random people all the time and you wouldn't be married. But she's the perfect person for you, the only one you want sex from and so on.
Our gonads are like a Car manufacturing plant. Only this plant runs 24/7 and
produces 1,000,000 cars a day.
If we don't move some product off the lot on a regular basis everything will
get jammed up and economy could collapse.
She, as a customer, can help by buying more cars...otherwise, you're forced
to get rid of overstock in regularly held clearance sales.
If she doesn't understand that, or if she doesn't laugh at the explanation...you have the wrong woman.
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“Thus strangely are our souls constructed, and by slight ligaments
are we bound to prosperity and ruin.”
― Mary Shelley, Frankenstein
My wife and I went through this very same situation. It all stemmed from my wife's insecurities and body issues. We talked and I had to be patient with her and just let the issue slide for a few days, but she eventually came around. She talked with other people and finally realized that it's not as big of a deal as she initially thought. We have been married for almost 13 years and she has no problem as long as the kids don't find porn on the computer.
And aside from what I see as the core issue. Here is a way to get laid more.
Get good at massages. If you can, take a couples massage course.
If you can't take a course soon, one of the big lessons is to use your arm muscles to move your four fingers. Thumbs can dig into deep muscle spots, but they tire out quickly and lead to a crappier massage overall.
You realize that's not an innate female quality and if fact just a product of insecurities that are in no way female-specific, right?
You do realize I never claimed that, right?
By using the word "females" I closely meant "your wife" or "my fiancé".
As for the part you called ridiculous, I tried to quickly summarize my experience and type it down on a tablet in a short amount of time. I will agree it sounds quite strange.
You just have to quit, it's the only answer. Assure her that you love her, and if you just wanted sex you could have that with random people all the time and you wouldn't be married. But she's the perfect person for you, the only one you want sex from and so on.
But you should also bring up, that because of how we are wired, we need sex. That's also something to work on.
Good luck.
I want to break your post down a little more, because it's very naive.
You just have to quit, it's the only answer
No, just no. Masturbation is normal. All animals do it.
Assure her that you love her, and if you just wanted sex you could have that with random people all the time and you wouldn't be married
Never ever talk about sleeping with other people not your wife/fiance EVER
I'm not meaning to pick on you, but this is not good advice and it sounds like you and your lady are a bit young and naive given the conclusion you reached.
Understanding comes from communication.
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I got married less than a year ago. My wife has been having issues which have lead to a less frequent sex life than I would like. Because of this I masturbated a lot and viewed porn. During the weekend my wife caught me.
It killed her to know that I was sneaking around hiding stuff from her. She also has some body image issues and it really hurt her to think that I wish she looked like a model.
I almost lost her over something so stupid... I feel horrible. I am also afraid I may be addicted to masturbation. I quickly reverted back to teenager levels of daily... I admitted everything to her and we talked a lot. I had her install parental controls on my computer so I couldnt view porn anymore. We are also trying to minimize my alone time...
I broke her trust and it kills me to know how bad I hurt her.
Does anyone here have any advice on how to rebuild that trust?
Also, don't install parental controls on your computer. You are an adult man.
Honestly, if her catching you watching porn almost killed your marriage you should see a professional marriage coach.
Hell, my girl knows better than to check my browser history if we go more than a day without sex...
Seriously, guy, you need to look into getting some couple's counseling if your marriage is so fragile that it could almost be destroyed over something as silly as this.
—Jaya Ballard, task mage
How is it hiding? You merely chose not to tell her because it's a bit awkward to say "Hey honey, since we're not having sex as often as I would like, I'm going to masturbate to get rid of the tension!"
And while I understand what you're talking about, it also sounds as though she hasn't considered how you're feeling in this at all. That's wrong. Did your talk basically revolve her accusing you of many things and you trying to talk your away through it? Did the issue your wife is having came up at any point?
Does she sees "guy's private time" (to me, alone time is vidgame or just plain met surf) as sinful? Marraige counselor might be the right answer for you guys.
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What I will say is: Is this even an issue?
Pornography is not a bad thing. It's natural. It's healthy even. Masturbation isn't something to be ashamed of and it shouldn't lead to marital issues. If you want to have more sex with your wife, have more sex with your wife. Try new things even. Re-ignite your sex drive with her. She shouldn't have a problem with you're masturbation though. You have to sit down and explain to her that it's a natural thing and every male does it, and it's nothing to do with her or her body.
Also, you may not be addicted to masturbation, just addicted to Pornography. Those are two very different addictions.
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Here's how I would do it:
Talk it out with her. Tell her that you needed to satisfy your natural urges and masturbation was the only means of doing so. Everybody has a fantasy and those fantasies are purely imaginative and have no bearing on your love and dedication for your wife.
If she's not satisfied with that explanation then discuss reasonable alternatives on how to resolve the issue. My two recommendations would be to 1) spice up the sex life, or 2) go to a marriage counselor or sex therapist.
After that I can't really give you any further advice. Although I will say one thing: filtering the Internet and minimizing your alone time isn't going to work. It might appease your wife, but it's not going to resolve the issue.
Honestly, if any girl I was seeing launched into a tirade over betrayal and how I don't think she's attractive just because she caught me jerking off to porn, I'd be out of here. That's not a sign of a stable partner and I'm not here for chronic insecurities trying to control me. But I can understand the difference in a marriage and wanting to stay and fix things, so I suggest starting there. Your problems won't go away with her controlling your masturbation schedule.
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It also seems that she just wishes I would have told her. I explain that I didnt talk to her because I thought it would be awkward. She wishes I would have asked what she was ok with me doing to get that release and it sounds a lot like she would have been willing to help me out instead of me sneaking around to do things privately.
So now the issue is that I have to somehow prove to her that I am trustworthy and rebuild that trust so she knows I wont just go do something else behind her back again.
Done.
Be aware of singing as if you were half dead,
or half asleep:
but lift your voice with strength.
Be no more afraid of your voice now,
nor more ashamed of its being heard,
than when you sang the songs of Satan.
Honey, just FYI. I Rub one out on the regular..
If it was really a concern of hers, she should have asked.
To women reading this, MEN MASTURBATE!!
As far as trust issues go, I don't see how you betrayed her. It's not like you're seeking these women out. If she busted you on a dating site she'd have every right to be pissed. Pictures and videos are just a means to an end.
Tell her to think of it like gardening. Sure you can till the garden by hand, but why would you when you could use a rototiller. It doesn't mean you love gardening any less.
When my wife busted me she laughed and still to this day makes fun of me for it..
There's a reason that sex is great for relationships. Our bodies reward this action with good feelings and positivity towards one another. It's a primal function that keeps us wanting to procreate. Naturally, in the absence of sex, you'll want to resort to masturbation. Have more sex would be my advice, but if that is somehow out of the question for one reason or another, I agree with Jubileus and redthirst. Go seek marriage counselling. It sounds like you and your wife have some things to work out.
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But it sounds like to be there are other issues in the marriage if something as trivial as this could break up your marriage.
There are a number of things that will put a damper on your sex life. Such as pregancy, children, etc... you will find yourself at times needing to resort to your own devices.
I'm going to guess that neither you and your wife don't masturbate in front of each other. If you make masturbation and watching pornography a part of your relationship, then it would make it less taboo. Maybe you should introduce that into your relationship to help heat it up and take the taboo off sex and porno. She might be sensitive about body issue, maybe show her porn of big black dudes. She might like that and allow porno to exist in the realm of fantasy.
Just my 2 bits
I recently went through this with my fiancé.
She didn't catch me viewing it... But she found a folder of it on my comp.
I can understand the females side. She doesn't think she's beautiful like I tell her she is. She thinks I rather have the models on the screen. When we do have passionate nights, she thinks I'm comparing them to what I saw on the screen. Or that I'm thinking of the person on the screen.
You just have to quit, it's the only answer. Assure her that you love her, and if you just wanted sex you could have that with random people all the time and you wouldn't be married. But she's the perfect person for you, the only one you want sex from and so on.
But you should also bring up, that because of how we are wired, we need sex. That's also something to work on.
Good luck.
You realize that's not an innate female quality and if fact just a product of insecurities that are in no way female-specific, right?
Also, and maybe this is just me, but if one partner is plagued with insecurities to the point of it being a drain on the relationship, I'm not sure it's entirely up to the other partner to fix things by changing and compromising. Not that change and compromise are bad things (far from it), but I think the focus should be on actually addressing the insecurities and not just adjusting the relationship to suit them. That is just putting dirt on top of a powder keg.
Well that's just ridiculous.
Archatmos
Excellion
Fracture: Israfiel (WBR), Wujal (URG), Valedon (GUB), Amduat (BGW), Paladris (RWU)
Collision (Set Two of the Fracture Block)
Quest for the Forsaken (Set Two of the Excellion Block)
Katingal: Plane of Chains
Our gonads are like a Car manufacturing plant. Only this plant runs 24/7 and
produces 1,000,000 cars a day.
If we don't move some product off the lot on a regular basis everything will
get jammed up and economy could collapse.
She, as a customer, can help by buying more cars...otherwise, you're forced
to get rid of overstock in regularly held clearance sales.
If she doesn't understand that, or if she doesn't laugh at the explanation...you have the wrong woman.
Thanks to Xenphire @ Inkfox for the amazing new sig
“Thus strangely are our souls constructed, and by slight ligaments
are we bound to prosperity and ruin.”
― Mary Shelley, Frankenstein
This isn't healthy, and it isn't a 'woman thing'. This is a 'your wife, specifically' thing.
The two of you need to sort this out, and I agree the neutral party of a counselor would be a good idea.
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Get good at massages. If you can, take a couples massage course.
If you can't take a course soon, one of the big lessons is to use your arm muscles to move your four fingers. Thumbs can dig into deep muscle spots, but they tire out quickly and lead to a crappier massage overall.
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You do realize I never claimed that, right?
By using the word "females" I closely meant "your wife" or "my fiancé".
As for the part you called ridiculous, I tried to quickly summarize my experience and type it down on a tablet in a short amount of time. I will agree it sounds quite strange.
This tells me one thing: you don't have a wife. You have a mommy. Or at the very least, she has some control issues.
I want to break your post down a little more, because it's very naive.
You just have to quit, it's the only answer
No, just no. Masturbation is normal. All animals do it.
Assure her that you love her, and if you just wanted sex you could have that with random people all the time and you wouldn't be married
Never ever talk about sleeping with other people not your wife/fiance EVER
I'm not meaning to pick on you, but this is not good advice and it sounds like you and your lady are a bit young and naive given the conclusion you reached.
Understanding comes from communication.