In general this thread has been a huge failure. I thank those that have PM'd me advice, but man in the thread you guys just missed the whole point. I was asking about rebuilding trust not for your views on how much porn is ok to watch.
Whether you agree with it or not, in our relationship, I basically cheated on my wife. I am also lucky enough that she is willing to work through the problem. I was just hoping to get some tips on how to rebuild trust with my wife not declarations about how my wife is somehow controlling me.
For people who say it's fine to leave people to believe what they want to believe, you folks sure do judge a lot.
I think it's generally okay to leave people to believe what they want, but when someone is asking for advice and I feel that their beliefs are leading them down a path where their problems will fester rather than be properly dealt with, I'm probably going to mention that. And regardless of my thoughts on the relative morality of porn, I think the OP's relationship needs work beyond just giving up porn. If he wants to quit watching porn and masturbating for his own reasons, good on him, but I think he's only doing so to appease the insecurities of his wife and that's not healthy for a relationship. On a number of levels.
I think it's generally okay to leave people to believe what they want, but when someone is asking for advice and I feel that their beliefs are leading them down a path where their problems will fester rather than be properly dealt with, I'm probably going to mention that. And regardless of my thoughts on the relative morality of porn, I think the OP's relationship needs work beyond just giving up porn. If he wants to quit watching porn and masturbating for his own reasons, good on him, but I think he's only doing so to appease the insecurities of his wife and that's not healthy for a relationship. On a number of levels.
Except, you're missing the point because the TP specifically wrote that porn is not the issue here. It is of trust and communication. He specified as such in post #36.
The TS has never indicated that he thinks watching porn is bad. Nor do we have any solid indication that his wife thinks it's bad. Hell, in the first post he wrote that she was hurt because she felt that he was hiding it from her, not the actual act itself. I initially thought nothing about that, but when he clarified that he masturbated while she was at home, I realized why she might be hurt.
The TS talking about giving up porn is a non-issue. It is something coming from a woman who is deeply hurt by the situation and doing what all humans do. Anyone who reads deeply into that are trying to think on an issue that is not relevant to this particular case is talking about what they want to talk about instead of trying to give any help to the TS.
In general this thread has been a huge failure. I thank those that have PM'd me advice, but man in the thread you guys just missed the whole point. I was asking about rebuilding trust not for your views on how much porn is ok to watch.
Whether you agree with it or not, in our relationship, I basically cheated on my wife. I am also lucky enough that she is willing to work through the problem. I was just hoping to get some tips on how to rebuild trust with my wife not declarations about how my wife is somehow controlling me.
Why do you feel like you've violated her trust? I think your guilt is the main source of this problem. If you come off as having something to feel bad about it creates such harmful atmosphere.
You masturbated to the image of other women while she was in the house. You did it because you are having trouble getting what you need and you are sorta feeling too discouraged to talk to her about it, but you don't want it to become a big deal so you sorta do it privately. I'd say the miscommunication and tension is the real problem here pal.
The other problem here is how this evasive behavior seems sorta escapist and has sorta bred itself into a binge behavior to you. Which I really recommend trying to cut down on.
Building trust is a pretty simple experience. You probably did it while you were just starting to date. Try spending lots of time together trying new things. Dating sorta stuff. Foreswearing porn like some dirty little secret is only going to leave a dark stain everyone is going to feel uncomfortable about and nothing good can really come of except maybe staving off addiction (if that is indeed your problem).
Being more upfront and constructive about problems in the future, letting your wife know you are still very much in love with her through more fun time spent together and constructive positive engaging activity and communication and owning up to your issues and needs are all that is going to help you get more trust going on. Not bemoaning and belaboring perceived missteps.
I also encourage you guys to get more comfortable with each other sexually. Seems like there is a lot of background tension around this issue for both of yall and that can't be helping your issues whatever they may be.
Except, you're missing the point because the TP specifically wrote that porn is not the issue here. It is of trust and communication. He specified as such in post #36.
I know what he said, and I agree that porn isn't the big issue here. I just think the OP isn't acknowledging what many of us here are seeing as the root of the trust and communication issues. Because I think the trust problems he's having are stemming from a larger issue that isn't porn or masturbation.
The TS talking about giving up porn is a non-issue. It is something coming from a woman who is deeply hurt by the situation and doing what all humans do. Anyone who reads deeply into that are trying to think on an issue that is not relevant to this particular case.
I agree that the merits of pornography are largely beside the point here. You'll note that that is why I've tried to keep my posts more about what I believe the real issue is here: his wife's insecurities, and his willingness to appease them.
Actually, no. A lot of people offered you good advice. If you can't see the value in that, the failure is yours, not ours for not providing the answers you wanted to hear.
Whether you agree with it or not, in our relationship, I basically cheated on my wife. I am also lucky enough that she is willing to work through the problem. I was just hoping to get some tips on how to rebuild trust with my wife not declarations about how my wife is somehow controlling me.
Honestly, I wish you well and I hope you and your wife work through your troubles and have a long and happy marriage. But everything you just said sets off warning bells in my head.
90% of this thread has been about people talking about porn. The other 10% is people reiterating what the TS already knows- that the issue is of trust and communication.
There are obviously trust issues here. None of us know why there is a trust issue because none of us know the TS's history with his wife. Ergo, we cannot actually give advice.
That's why this thread can be a failure in the TS's PoV- he asked for ways to fix trust and communication, and (afaik) none of us have given that. Though I will argue that there is nothing we can say that would be constructive unless we knew the TS and his wife well.
I'm curious if you guys have talked about going to see a marriage counselor?
I thought going would be stupid because I thought the counselor would always pick on me (and to be fair my wife thought the same thing that the counselor would pick on her), but the truth is that she allowed us to have some very open communication about our own issues and what the other person could do to help.
I'm still upset that it cost me $80-120 for an hour of good communication with my wife, but obviously she didn't trust that I was going to be able to listen to her without being judgmental otherwise.
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I'm not sure why you're asking that considering I made it a point to underscore my thoughts on the matter in virtually every post I've made in this thread.
I think as much as the dismal sex life is an issue you as a couple need to address, I think the red alert issue here is her self-esteem and trust issues leading to a controlling nature as well as your willingness to be controlled. That is not a solid foundation for any relationship and since it's already exploded over the benign issue of you masturbating to porn, I see those trust/self-esteem issues having a great potential to destroy your marriage.
Honestly, if any girl I was seeing launched into a tirade over betrayal and how I don't think she's attractive just because she caught me jerking off to porn, I'd be out of here. That's not a sign of a stable partner and I'm not here for chronic insecurities trying to control me. But I can understand the difference in a marriage and wanting to stay and fix things, so I suggest starting there. Your problems won't go away with her controlling your masturbation schedule.
Also, and maybe this is just me, but if one partner is plagued with insecurities to the point of it being a drain on the relationship, I'm not sure it's entirely up to the other partner to fix things by changing and compromising. Not that change and compromise are bad things (far from it), but I think the focus should be on actually addressing the insecurities and not just adjusting the relationship to suit them. That is just putting dirt on top of a powder keg.
The problem here isn't that porn and/or masturbation bothers the OP's wife, it's the root of why it bothers her that's the actual problem in the relationship. His porn and masturbation isn't the thing causing them strife, it's not even his awkwardness and reluctance to tell her about it, it's her insecurities. A stable, confident partner wouldn't be as affected by a partner masturbating to porn and not bringing it up.
And regardless of my thoughts on the relative morality of porn, I think the OP's relationship needs work beyond just giving up porn. If he wants to quit watching porn and masturbating for his own reasons, good on him, but I think he's only doing so to appease the insecurities of his wife and that's not healthy for a relationship. On a number of levels.
I agree that the merits of pornography are largely beside the point here. You'll note that that is why I've tried to keep my posts more about what I believe the real issue is here: his wife's insecurities, and his willingness to appease them.
There are obviously trust issues here. None of us know why there is a trust issue because none of us know the TS's history with his wife. Ergo, we cannot actually give advice.
I think we have enough to speculate, and even without that we can talk in generalities. I don't need to know the OP's wife to know that generally speaking most trust issues are rooted in insecurities.
That's why this thread can be a failure in the TS's PoV- he asked for ways to fix trust and communication, and (afaik) none of us have given that.
I agree. The OP is dissatisfied because he didn't get the answers he wanted to hear. But such is the reality of asking the forum for advice: sometimes they see the problem differently from you and offer advice based on what they feel you should do. And if you're open to unexpected perspectives, that advice can be quite helpful.
yeah none of us want you to keep hurting your wife or to be a big dick and just do what you want despite the consequences.
We want you guys to be happy and come to an amicable arrangement. But right now all we are getting from this is you feel at fault and your wife is giving you two big "NO"s. You aren't having sex and you aren't really allowed to take care of it yourself freely. Maybe this is just because you have avoided interacting about the subjects and it can just be resolved in some simple way through communication but so far it really feels like you are in a guilt spiral.
I have to say, being upfront with your needs and negotiating your problems is what is going to get you some trust back. That and building your rapport and having lots more good times. You keep looking and feeling like a bad guy and you'll sit in this hole forever. Being evasive didn't work, and it still isn't working, it's time to be proactive, forward, honest. That's trust.
I have to say, being upfront with your needs and negotiating your problems is what is going to get you some trust back. That and building your rapport and having lots more good times. You keep looking and feeling like a bad guy and you'll sit in this hole forever. Being evasive didn't work, and it still isn't working, it's time to be proactive, forward, honest. That's trust.
We talked about my needs right after everything happened. If I would have asked she would have been willing to help me (handys or whatever). And she wouldnt have a problem with it if I had to wack one out while she was out of town or something like that.
This whole thing was a result of my failure to communicate with her. I assumed that if she wasnt really able to have sex that she wouldnt want to constantly be pleasuring me. I also didnt want to come off like I was giving some kind of ultimatum... so I just dealt with it myself behind her back. If I went back to the day before she caught me and talked to her everything would have been fine.
I'm not sure why you're asking that considering I made it a point to underscore my thoughts on the matter in virtually every post I've made in this thread.
Apologies. I didn't read your post well over the torrent of porn talk people made, and as such missed your points.
I think we have enough to speculate, and even without that we can talk in generalities. I don't need to know the OP's wife to know that generally speaking most trust issues are rooted in insecurities.
I disagree. We simply do not have enough information, and much of what you wrote seems to be based off a great deal of assumptions imo.
I agree. The OP is dissatisfied because he didn't get the answers he wanted to hear. But such is the reality of asking the forum for advice: sometimes they see the problem differently from you and offer advice based on what they feel you should do. And if you're open to unexpected perspectives, that advice can be quite helpful.
Or, at least in my opinion, it is more likely that he just knows more about the situation and as such the advice given is not as useful as we think it is.
Hello everyone. I am a frequent poster but being that this is a personal matter I didnt feel comfortable posting with my other account.
I got married less than a year ago. My wife has been having issues which have lead to a less frequent sex life than I would like. Because of this I masturbated a lot and viewed porn. During the weekend my wife caught me.
It killed her to know that I was sneaking around hiding stuff from her. She also has some body image issues and it really hurt her to think that I wish she looked like a model.
I almost lost her over something so stupid... I feel horrible. I am also afraid I may be addicted to masturbation. I quickly reverted back to teenager levels of daily... I admitted everything to her and we talked a lot. I had her install parental controls on my computer so I couldnt view porn anymore. We are also trying to minimize my alone time...
I broke her trust and it kills me to know how bad I hurt her.
Does anyone here have any advice on how to rebuild that trust?
Is this woman your wife or your mother? Why does she even care that look at porn? This isn't so much a problem with you as it's a problem with her and how she is projecting her insecurities on to you.
IMO, find a different wife. I know that's not much help, but that what I would do if I were you.
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Is this woman your wife or your mother? Why does she even care that look at porn? This isn't so much a problem with you as it's a problem with her and how she is projecting her insecurities on to you.
IMO, find a different wife. I know that's not much help, but that what I would do if I were you.
First, things like this have been said and the OP already stated it doesn't help. He loves his wife and wants to work on things.
Second, you even said it wasn't help, so maybe, I don't know, don't post it and just leave this thread?
If you'd leave your wife because she said she cares about you watching porn, why did you marry her in the first place? Sounds like you were never in love. You should go be bitter elsewhere if you don't want to offer useful advice.
Well, look, if his beliefs or personal life situation restrict him from using porn, that's fine, but I don't think there's really anything else we can say to the OP that hasn't already been said. Honestly, I think this thread devolved into a debate about the ethics of porn because there isn't really much else that can be offered from disembodied internet text.
Screwed_up, we don't know your wife or the complexities of your relationship, so the best we can possibly do is discuss things in generalities and hurl suggestions you probably already know. But like I said on page 1 and based on the information I can glean from this thread, a third party like a marriage counselor might be the best option. Think of them like an arbiter, if you will. It will be good to get your feelings out to each other in a neutral environment.
I still stand by my opinion that the parental controls are absurd. It's been said before, but it's kind of like treating you as if you were a child and doesn't actually address the underlying semantic noise going on in your relationship.
That's about all I can contribute to this thread at this point. Take the advice or leave it, it's your choice.
Hello everyone. I am a frequent poster but being that this is a personal matter I didnt feel comfortable posting with my other account.
I got married less than a year ago. My wife has been having issues which have lead to a less frequent sex life than I would like. Because of this I masturbated a lot and viewed porn. During the weekend my wife caught me.
It killed her to know that I was sneaking around hiding stuff from her. She also has some body image issues and it really hurt her to think that I wish she looked like a model.
I almost lost her over something so stupid... I feel horrible. I am also afraid I may be addicted to masturbation. I quickly reverted back to teenager levels of daily... I admitted everything to her and we talked a lot. I had her install parental controls on my computer so I couldnt view porn anymore. We are also trying to minimize my alone time...
I broke her trust and it kills me to know how bad I hurt her.
Does anyone here have any advice on how to rebuild that trust?
Is the backdoor still an option?:unibrow:
This post really isn't necessary at all. Spam warning issued.
--Frox
Well, look, if his beliefs or personal life situation restrict him from using porn, that's fine, but I don't think there's really anything else we can say to the OP that hasn't already been said. Honestly, I think this thread devolved into a debate about the ethics of porn because there isn't really much else that can be offered from disembodied internet text.
It really has nothing to do with porn. It has to do with being in an uneven relationship. I mean, read his OP, it is riddled with self doubt, self hatred, he places all the blame and fault on himself, and never for once questions whether or not it's right for his wife to care about what he does.
He honestly comes across as a sycophant, and that's FAR more dangerous to any marriage than porn. Nothing drives a woman away faster than worshiping the ground she walks on. Uneven relationships are bad news, and they never last.
I think the OP needs some personal counseling to develop a sense of self esteem, and then some couples counseling to correct this inequality, otherwise the chances of thier relationship lasting or going well are pretty much nil.
It really has nothing to do with porn. It has to do with being in an uneven relationship. I mean, read his OP, it is riddled with self doubt, self hatred, he places all the blame and fault on himself, and never for once questions whether or not it's right for his wife to care about what he does.
He honestly comes across as a sycophant, and that's FAR more dangerous to any marriage than porn. Nothing drives a woman away faster than worshiping the ground she walks on. Uneven relationships are bad news, and they never last.
I think the OP needs some personal counseling to develop a sense of self esteem, and then some couples counseling to correct this inequality, otherwise the chances of thier relationship lasting or going well are pretty much nil.
I agree completely, but what I'm getting at is that we all have different stances on this issue (clearly) and I just feel like this thread has reached terminal velocity at this point. Ultimately, it's up to the OP what he does with his marriage. That's the agency he has, deciding how to fix it. I think, realistically, we've done about all we can do.
I had her install parental controls on my computer so I couldnt view porn anymore. We are also trying to minimize my alone time...
What? This is wrong on so many levels. Parental controls on your computer is not treating you with the respect and dignity that you deserve. It is intrusive on many levels.
Furthermore, parental controls are useless and only effective against very young children (esp. in this day and age). Two easy means by which to circumvent parental controls is to use your smartphone or to boot an OS (Linux or Windows 8) from a liveCD or liveUSB on your computer.
Thinking parental controls are effective against an individual is demeaning in that it implies the admin regards the individual with the intelligence of a young child.
Well, I think it's time for a woman to give advice as well.
Your wife is the classical insecure, controlling woman. Women like these have from the most reasonable to the most absurd issues and insecurities. IMO, this is immature, means that she has little to no self-confidence and can't assure herself that she alone should be enough for herself. I know many friends with girlfriends like her, and it just makes me sad that they actually appease to those issues, whether they know it or not that it won't make them go away.
Seeing as you're married, I will assume that you're both adults. Therefore, you should talk to her and address to those issues. Tell her that you singled her out from thousands of other women because you love her and want to be with her. Tell her you love her for who she is, that it was what drew you to her in the first place, that you don't want to be with other women no matter how better they look. Tell her she's hot and you want to have her every single night, that as a man you don't even know what the **** cellulitis is, that you don't care about some excess fat if that's what it is, and that if you didn't want it so badly you wouldn't choose to marry her. Make her see the reason why you're together and assure her of your willingness to stay that way.
Well, I think it's time for a woman to give advice as well.
Your wife is the classical insecure, controlling woman. Women like these have from the most reasonable to the most absurd issues and insecurities. IMO, this is immature, means that she has little to no self-confidence and can't assure herself that she alone should be enough for herself. I know many friends with girlfriends like her, and it just makes me sad that they actually appease to those issues, whether they know it or not that it won't make them go away.
Seeing as you're married, I will assume that you're both adults. Therefore, you should talk to her and address to those issues. Tell her that you singled her out from thousands of other women because you love her and want to be with her. Tell her you love her for who she is, that it was what drew you to her in the first place, that you don't want to be with other women no matter how better they look. Tell her she's hot and you want to have her every single night, that as a man you don't even know what the **** cellulitis is, that you don't care about some excess fat if that's what it is, and that if you didn't want it so badly you wouldn't choose to marry her. Make her see the reason why you're together and assure her of your willingness to stay that way.
It makes me sad when my friends entertain their gf's insecurities - that won't make them go away.
So here's what you need to do: entertain your wife's insecurities.
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Well, I think it's time for a woman to give advice as well.
Your wife is the classical insecure, controlling woman. Women like these have from the most reasonable to the most absurd issues and insecurities. IMO, this is immature, means that she has little to no self-confidence and can't assure herself that she alone should be enough for herself. I know many friends with girlfriends like her, and it just makes me sad that they actually appease to those issues, whether they know it or not that it won't make them go away.
Seeing as you're married, I will assume that you're both adults. Therefore, you should talk to her and address to those issues. Tell her that you singled her out from thousands of other women because you love her and want to be with her. Tell her you love her for who she is, that it was what drew you to her in the first place, that you don't want to be with other women no matter how better they look. Tell her she's hot and you want to have her every single night, that as a man you don't even know what the **** cellulitis is, that you don't care about some excess fat if that's what it is, and that if you didn't want it so badly you wouldn't choose to marry her. Make her see the reason why you're together and assure her of your willingness to stay that way.
Hrmmm, it sounds to me like your wife is treating you more like her child than her spouse and a man capable of making his own decisions.
Your wife sounds extremely insecure. And as much as you want to or think you can, you cant fix that completely, its mostly her issue. You need to make her feel beautiful and show that you appreciate her, however, one of the major ways you do that is by enjoying sex with her. Have more sex, express a raging desire to be intimate with her. If that does not make her feel more confident that you love her and her body then I dont know what else to say.
But, your wife handled this very poorly, men seek sexual release and if she is not willing to have sex with you then she is creating a situation where you will seek alternatives, ie masturbation. There is nothing wrong with that. You were not cheating on your wife.
But most of all remember you are an adult. Parental controls? Limiting your alone time? These sound like the measure of a domineering woman who is controlling your puppet strings. Don't let her think she has caught you making a mess and she can shame you into being controlled like that.
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Nope... nice try though.
In general this thread has been a huge failure. I thank those that have PM'd me advice, but man in the thread you guys just missed the whole point. I was asking about rebuilding trust not for your views on how much porn is ok to watch.
Whether you agree with it or not, in our relationship, I basically cheated on my wife. I am also lucky enough that she is willing to work through the problem. I was just hoping to get some tips on how to rebuild trust with my wife not declarations about how my wife is somehow controlling me.
Maybe, but I think that's largely irrelevant. We're here to offer advice to the OP, regardless of who it is.
I think it's generally okay to leave people to believe what they want, but when someone is asking for advice and I feel that their beliefs are leading them down a path where their problems will fester rather than be properly dealt with, I'm probably going to mention that. And regardless of my thoughts on the relative morality of porn, I think the OP's relationship needs work beyond just giving up porn. If he wants to quit watching porn and masturbating for his own reasons, good on him, but I think he's only doing so to appease the insecurities of his wife and that's not healthy for a relationship. On a number of levels.
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Except, you're missing the point because the TP specifically wrote that porn is not the issue here. It is of trust and communication. He specified as such in post #36.
The TS has never indicated that he thinks watching porn is bad. Nor do we have any solid indication that his wife thinks it's bad. Hell, in the first post he wrote that she was hurt because she felt that he was hiding it from her, not the actual act itself. I initially thought nothing about that, but when he clarified that he masturbated while she was at home, I realized why she might be hurt.
The TS talking about giving up porn is a non-issue. It is something coming from a woman who is deeply hurt by the situation and doing what all humans do. Anyone who reads deeply into that are trying to think on an issue that is not relevant to this particular case is talking about what they want to talk about instead of trying to give any help to the TS.
Why do you feel like you've violated her trust? I think your guilt is the main source of this problem. If you come off as having something to feel bad about it creates such harmful atmosphere.
You masturbated to the image of other women while she was in the house. You did it because you are having trouble getting what you need and you are sorta feeling too discouraged to talk to her about it, but you don't want it to become a big deal so you sorta do it privately. I'd say the miscommunication and tension is the real problem here pal.
The other problem here is how this evasive behavior seems sorta escapist and has sorta bred itself into a binge behavior to you. Which I really recommend trying to cut down on.
Building trust is a pretty simple experience. You probably did it while you were just starting to date. Try spending lots of time together trying new things. Dating sorta stuff. Foreswearing porn like some dirty little secret is only going to leave a dark stain everyone is going to feel uncomfortable about and nothing good can really come of except maybe staving off addiction (if that is indeed your problem).
Being more upfront and constructive about problems in the future, letting your wife know you are still very much in love with her through more fun time spent together and constructive positive engaging activity and communication and owning up to your issues and needs are all that is going to help you get more trust going on. Not bemoaning and belaboring perceived missteps.
I also encourage you guys to get more comfortable with each other sexually. Seems like there is a lot of background tension around this issue for both of yall and that can't be helping your issues whatever they may be.
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I know what he said, and I agree that porn isn't the big issue here. I just think the OP isn't acknowledging what many of us here are seeing as the root of the trust and communication issues. Because I think the trust problems he's having are stemming from a larger issue that isn't porn or masturbation.
I agree that the merits of pornography are largely beside the point here. You'll note that that is why I've tried to keep my posts more about what I believe the real issue is here: his wife's insecurities, and his willingness to appease them.
Actually, no. A lot of people offered you good advice. If you can't see the value in that, the failure is yours, not ours for not providing the answers you wanted to hear.
Honestly, I wish you well and I hope you and your wife work through your troubles and have a long and happy marriage. But everything you just said sets off warning bells in my head.
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90% of this thread has been about people talking about porn. The other 10% is people reiterating what the TS already knows- that the issue is of trust and communication.
There are obviously trust issues here. None of us know why there is a trust issue because none of us know the TS's history with his wife. Ergo, we cannot actually give advice.
That's why this thread can be a failure in the TS's PoV- he asked for ways to fix trust and communication, and (afaik) none of us have given that. Though I will argue that there is nothing we can say that would be constructive unless we knew the TS and his wife well.
I thought going would be stupid because I thought the counselor would always pick on me (and to be fair my wife thought the same thing that the counselor would pick on her), but the truth is that she allowed us to have some very open communication about our own issues and what the other person could do to help.
I'm still upset that it cost me $80-120 for an hour of good communication with my wife, but obviously she didn't trust that I was going to be able to listen to her without being judgmental otherwise.
I'm not sure why you're asking that considering I made it a point to underscore my thoughts on the matter in virtually every post I've made in this thread.
But since you need it, a quick recap:
I think we have enough to speculate, and even without that we can talk in generalities. I don't need to know the OP's wife to know that generally speaking most trust issues are rooted in insecurities.
I agree. The OP is dissatisfied because he didn't get the answers he wanted to hear. But such is the reality of asking the forum for advice: sometimes they see the problem differently from you and offer advice based on what they feel you should do. And if you're open to unexpected perspectives, that advice can be quite helpful.
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Quest for the Forsaken (Set Two of the Excellion Block)
Katingal: Plane of Chains
Nope, although we do have some things in common.
My fiancée would also closely consider pornography cheating.
Maybe you're the real THEBEASTMASTER...?
We want you guys to be happy and come to an amicable arrangement. But right now all we are getting from this is you feel at fault and your wife is giving you two big "NO"s. You aren't having sex and you aren't really allowed to take care of it yourself freely. Maybe this is just because you have avoided interacting about the subjects and it can just be resolved in some simple way through communication but so far it really feels like you are in a guilt spiral.
I have to say, being upfront with your needs and negotiating your problems is what is going to get you some trust back. That and building your rapport and having lots more good times. You keep looking and feeling like a bad guy and you'll sit in this hole forever. Being evasive didn't work, and it still isn't working, it's time to be proactive, forward, honest. That's trust.
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We talked about my needs right after everything happened. If I would have asked she would have been willing to help me (handys or whatever). And she wouldnt have a problem with it if I had to wack one out while she was out of town or something like that.
This whole thing was a result of my failure to communicate with her. I assumed that if she wasnt really able to have sex that she wouldnt want to constantly be pleasuring me. I also didnt want to come off like I was giving some kind of ultimatum... so I just dealt with it myself behind her back. If I went back to the day before she caught me and talked to her everything would have been fine.
Apologies. I didn't read your post well over the torrent of porn talk people made, and as such missed your points.
I disagree. We simply do not have enough information, and much of what you wrote seems to be based off a great deal of assumptions imo.
Or, at least in my opinion, it is more likely that he just knows more about the situation and as such the advice given is not as useful as we think it is.
Is this woman your wife or your mother? Why does she even care that look at porn? This isn't so much a problem with you as it's a problem with her and how she is projecting her insecurities on to you.
IMO, find a different wife. I know that's not much help, but that what I would do if I were you.
― Christopher Hitchens, God Is Not Great
First, things like this have been said and the OP already stated it doesn't help. He loves his wife and wants to work on things.
Second, you even said it wasn't help, so maybe, I don't know, don't post it and just leave this thread?
If you'd leave your wife because she said she cares about you watching porn, why did you marry her in the first place? Sounds like you were never in love. You should go be bitter elsewhere if you don't want to offer useful advice.
Screwed_up, we don't know your wife or the complexities of your relationship, so the best we can possibly do is discuss things in generalities and hurl suggestions you probably already know. But like I said on page 1 and based on the information I can glean from this thread, a third party like a marriage counselor might be the best option. Think of them like an arbiter, if you will. It will be good to get your feelings out to each other in a neutral environment.
I still stand by my opinion that the parental controls are absurd. It's been said before, but it's kind of like treating you as if you were a child and doesn't actually address the underlying semantic noise going on in your relationship.
That's about all I can contribute to this thread at this point. Take the advice or leave it, it's your choice.
UAzami, Locus of All KnowledgeU
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Is the backdoor still an option?:unibrow:
This post really isn't necessary at all. Spam warning issued.
--Frox
It really has nothing to do with porn. It has to do with being in an uneven relationship. I mean, read his OP, it is riddled with self doubt, self hatred, he places all the blame and fault on himself, and never for once questions whether or not it's right for his wife to care about what he does.
He honestly comes across as a sycophant, and that's FAR more dangerous to any marriage than porn. Nothing drives a woman away faster than worshiping the ground she walks on. Uneven relationships are bad news, and they never last.
I think the OP needs some personal counseling to develop a sense of self esteem, and then some couples counseling to correct this inequality, otherwise the chances of thier relationship lasting or going well are pretty much nil.
I agree completely, but what I'm getting at is that we all have different stances on this issue (clearly) and I just feel like this thread has reached terminal velocity at this point. Ultimately, it's up to the OP what he does with his marriage. That's the agency he has, deciding how to fix it. I think, realistically, we've done about all we can do.
UAzami, Locus of All KnowledgeU
BMarrow-Gnawer, Crime Lord of ComboB
WBRTariel, Hellraiser StaxWBR
Annul is really good in EDH
Furthermore, parental controls are useless and only effective against very young children (esp. in this day and age). Two easy means by which to circumvent parental controls is to use your smartphone or to boot an OS (Linux or Windows 8) from a liveCD or liveUSB on your computer.
Thinking parental controls are effective against an individual is demeaning in that it implies the admin regards the individual with the intelligence of a young child.
Your wife is the classical insecure, controlling woman. Women like these have from the most reasonable to the most absurd issues and insecurities. IMO, this is immature, means that she has little to no self-confidence and can't assure herself that she alone should be enough for herself. I know many friends with girlfriends like her, and it just makes me sad that they actually appease to those issues, whether they know it or not that it won't make them go away.
Seeing as you're married, I will assume that you're both adults. Therefore, you should talk to her and address to those issues. Tell her that you singled her out from thousands of other women because you love her and want to be with her. Tell her you love her for who she is, that it was what drew you to her in the first place, that you don't want to be with other women no matter how better they look. Tell her she's hot and you want to have her every single night, that as a man you don't even know what the **** cellulitis is, that you don't care about some excess fat if that's what it is, and that if you didn't want it so badly you wouldn't choose to marry her. Make her see the reason why you're together and assure her of your willingness to stay that way.
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It makes me sad when my friends entertain their gf's insecurities - that won't make them go away.
So here's what you need to do: entertain your wife's insecurities.
—Jaya Ballard, task mage
Yeah, bringing up cellulitis should do the trick.
Your wife sounds extremely insecure. And as much as you want to or think you can, you cant fix that completely, its mostly her issue. You need to make her feel beautiful and show that you appreciate her, however, one of the major ways you do that is by enjoying sex with her. Have more sex, express a raging desire to be intimate with her. If that does not make her feel more confident that you love her and her body then I dont know what else to say.
But, your wife handled this very poorly, men seek sexual release and if she is not willing to have sex with you then she is creating a situation where you will seek alternatives, ie masturbation. There is nothing wrong with that. You were not cheating on your wife.
But most of all remember you are an adult. Parental controls? Limiting your alone time? These sound like the measure of a domineering woman who is controlling your puppet strings. Don't let her think she has caught you making a mess and she can shame you into being controlled like that.