The quitting comment was directed at porn. I don't see any good coming from porn if you're in a relationship. I don't think it's normal/natural to watch porn if you're in a relationship.
Secondly, what happened to me was during or after engaging in certain relations, my girlfriend seemed bothered. I found out she thought I was comparing her to the girls in the pictures/videos. She also questioned whether it was possible I was addicted to porn and stimulation and that's all I wanted from her.
When talking about this, I brought up that I have quit watching it, she was the first person I've taken these actions with, and it's just something that stems from my attraction to her. Naturally, I want to do things with my girlfriend. If I just wanted stimulation, I could get random blow jobs from different girls every day of the week. But I don't want that. I want my relationship with her. I'm going to marry her... blow jobs feel good.. I want blow jobs from her, not any body else. I'm with her for her personality and whatnot, not the blow jobs, they are just a plus.
Does that make any more sense?
I feel like I should only talk about these things in person, it's much easier.
The quitting comment was directed at porn. I don't see any good coming from porn if you're in a relationship. I don't think it's normal/natural to watch porn if you're in a relationship.
Secondly, what happened to me was during or after engaging in certain relations, my girlfriend seemed bothered. I found out she thought I was comparing her to the girls in the pictures/videos. She also questioned whether it was possible I was addicted to porn and stimulation and that's all I wanted from her.
When talking about this, I brought up that I have quit watching it, she was the first person I've taken these actions with, and it's just something that stems from my attraction to her. Naturally, I want to do things with my girlfriend. If I just wanted stimulation, I could get random blow jobs from different girls every day of the week. But I don't want that. I want my relationship with her. I'm going to marry her... blow jobs feel good.. I want blow jobs from her, not any body else. I'm with her for her personality and whatnot, not the blow jobs, they are just a plus.
Does that make any more sense?
I feel like I should only talk about these things in person, it's much easier.
Thanks for rephrasing, it certainly read like "quitting masturbation"
I have heard of porno addiction, so if its something that you thought about all the time or was your primary driving force then it wise to avoid it all together.
Right now you guys are still in the beginning part of your relationship lives so when I see it from my view as a guy married, 2 kids, house, mortgate and lots of responsibilities then things become a little more relaxed and single things don't mean so much.
For example at your stage, you girl interprets looking at porn as a threat and your masturbation as a challenge to her ability to satisfy you.
At my stage, when I masturbate, my wife probably thinks "I don't feels sexy right now, thanks God I don't have to perform right now, theres too many things on my mind"
I am not kidding. I believe a university somewhere attempted to do a study of men's porn watching habits. They were unable to conduct the study because they could not find men who did not watch pornography.
Honestly you guys probably just need some quality time together. A night on the town, some romantic time, you're humans.
Consider listening to Dan Savage's Podcast "The Savage Lovecast." It is an advice column that has to do with a lot of more fringe sex issues (although masturbation is not exactly a fringe issue).
Don't feel bad, you are merely dealing with your desires in a healthy and safe way. You are not cheating on her. You do no wish that she was a model or someone else. You are a human being and I'm sure you would love to sleep with someone else. So would she. The thing is that you have chosen to honour her and not have sex with other people. She has nothing to worry about the fact that you are rubbing one out to people you have never and will never meet. You can close your eyes and imagine someone else and rub one out too or read a trashy romance novel. This does not mean you love her any less. Don't feel guilty for having needs and desires. You are just getting off.
She would not be cheating on you if she was rubbing one out or using a vibrator frequently. As long as she still has a desire to be with you there would be no issues. Continue talking about things, but make sure she realizes that these women are not a replacement for her. They are just a safe addition.
That being said, the Savage Lovecast is very Gay/Trans, etc. friendly. If either of you is extremely religious you might take offense to some of the things said on the show. That being said, get over it. Take the knowledge and opinions for what they are worth.
OP, are you and your wife Christians? Porn is a big taboo in that community, and is considered by some to be idol worshiping and sexually immoral. I don't agree with this, though I feel guilty whenever I look at porn so I try to look at it as rarely as possible. The longest I've gone was two months and I didn't have any problems.
If you want to stop looking at porn, and want to only have eyes for your wife, then I would suggest reading Every Man's Battle by Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker, and Mike Yorkey.
They tried to find out the percentage of males who masturbate. They couldn't do it. They couldn't find a control group. Every male the talked to masturbated... It happens and to be honest I feel like your wife should not be upset about it.
By using the word "females" I closely meant "your wife" or "my fiancé".
Apologies, that wasn't clear from your post and I took it to mean you were speaking about women in general.
As for the part you called ridiculous, I tried to quickly summarize my experience and type it down on a tablet in a short amount of time. I will agree it sounds quite strange.
Even when clarified, it still strikes me as ridiculous. Giving up porn to appease the insecurities of a controlling partner doesn't strike me as a particularly helpful plan. Unaddressed, those insecurities will find other ways to affect the relationship. And in the meantime, you can't even ******** to good porn.
My feeling is that as long as the porn/masturbation isn't a real problem (which for the vast number of men it probably isn't, though I don't discount the corner cases for whom masturbation and porn has become a crutch that is affecting the rest of their lives in detrimental ways), asking one partner to give it up isn't actually solving the problem, it's simply appeasing negative traits in one partner at the expense of the other. Dirt on a powder keg. The problem here isn't that porn and/or masturbation bothers the OP's wife, it's the root of why it bothers her that's the actual problem in the relationship. His porn and masturbation isn't the thing causing them strife, it's not even his awkwardness and reluctance to tell her about it, it's her insecurities. A stable, confident partner wouldn't be as affected by a partner masturbating to porn and not bringing it up. Of course, to be fair, most of the confident women I know don't need to be told that their partners masturbate to pornography, they already assume as much because they do too. But that's neither here nor there.
When you said that you were using one of those cam sites, was it interactive? If so, then yeah, you were having cybersex. That's not the same as watching porn and your wife would have a right to be upset.
When you said that you were using one of those cam sites, was it interactive? If so, then yeah, you were having cybersex. That's not the same as watching porn and your wife would have a right to be upset.
The site can be interactive but you can also just watch for free... I was doing the for free.
We talked again last night. The thing that hurts her so much is that she was home while I was looking. I didnt even see if she would be interested(I just assumed she wouldnt). That makes her feel like I would rather just watch porn than do things with her.
My big failing here is not the porn or masturbation it's that I didnt feel comfortable talking to my wife about my needs and what ways she would be comfortable with for me to deal with those needs. I was lying to her for a long time and that hurts her.
The current plan is to leave the parental controls as is for now so that I can prove to her that I dont NEED porn. I want to prove to her that now knowing how she feels about it I can easily quit.
If there was a poll taken of married men asking them whether they used porn to masturbate on a regular basis, 90% would answer yes and the other 10% would be lying.
I disagree: I think 95% would say yes and 5% would be lying
To the OP, you should definitely seek counseling, both for yourself and with your wife. If you feel guilty about doing something that makes you feel good and does not hurt anyone, then you have some issues to work out.
If you want to masturbate, it's none of your wifes business. She does not own you, and she does not control your happiness. If she has control issues, then she needs to work on those. If you have dependency issues, you need to work on them. If you are not sexually compatible, you BOTH need to work on that. Nothing kills a marriage faster than being sexually incompatible.
And seriously, I think you need to grow a spine. So you wife caught you masturbating. So what?
It also seems that she just wishes I would have told her. I explain that I didnt talk to her because I thought it would be awkward. She wishes I would have asked what she was ok with me doing to get that release and it sounds a lot like she would have been willing to help me out instead of me sneaking around to do things privately.
You're a grown up. She's not your parent. You don't need her permission to do something literally every male on the planet does.
My wife has caught me masturbating to porn, I told her to leave or join in, her choice.
I can understand the females side. She doesn't think she's beautiful like I tell her she is. She thinks I rather have the models on the screen. When we do have passionate nights, she thinks I'm comparing them to what I saw on the screen. Or that I'm thinking of the person on the screen.
Since when is it a mans job to change his ways in order to accommodate a womans insecurities? If she can't deal with the fact that I do somehting that every man in the history of the planet has done, then she can leave and find someone who will lie to her saying he doesn't do it. Any woman that would prefer being lied to than hearing the truth is not someone I want to be in a relationship with anyway.
The quitting comment was directed at porn. I don't see any good coming from porn if you're in a relationship. I don't think it's normal/natural to watch porn if you're in a relationship.
That's ridiculous. that's like saying "I see no need to play D&D if you have a good life". Fantasy, including sexually stimulating fantasy, is a perfectly healthy and natural form of enjoyment.
The longest I've gone was two months and I didn't have any problems.
2 months? Jesus. I could barely make it through the time it took me to write this post.
We talked again last night. The thing that hurts her so much is that she was home while I was looking.
At home? I've masturbated while my wife was asleep next to me. What does her proximity to you have to do with anything?
That makes her feel like I would rather just watch porn than do things with her.
Whats wrong with that? Watching porn and having sex with your wife are two different things. They have nothing to do with one another. Does your wife get mad when you go out to eat because you didn't stay home and eat what she made?
My big failing here is not the porn or masturbation it's that I didnt feel comfortable talking to my wife about my needs and what ways she would be comfortable with for me to deal with those needs. I was lying to her for a long time and that hurts her.
If you are no comfortable talking about your needs with your wife, yes, that is a big problem and you need to work on that. But you need to get this correlation of "Porn = I don't love my wife" out of your head. You can watch porn, masturbate to your hearts content, and have a wonderful sex life with your wife.
The current plan is to leave the parental controls as is for now so that I can prove to her that I dont NEED porn. I want to prove to her that now knowing how she feels about it I can easily quit.
The issue is not that you watch porn. The issue is that your wife cares that you watch porn because of her insecurities, and you are enabling and enforcing those insecurities by acquiescing. You are doing MUCH more harm to your relationship by indulging her than confronting the real issue and tackling it together.
Honestly from your responses it sounds like you have a fundamentally uneven relationship, and that's the real problem.
We talked again last night. The thing that hurts her so much is that she was home while I was looking. I didnt even see if she would be interested(I just assumed she wouldnt). That makes her feel like I would rather just watch porn than do things with her.
My big failing here is not the porn or masturbation it's that I didnt feel comfortable talking to my wife about my needs and what ways she would be comfortable with for me to deal with those needs. I was lying to her for a long time and that hurts her.
This makes sense, and makes me understand your wife's position more.
Well, I can't think of anything besides just talking to her and saying you're sorry about hurting her feelings in that way. Find a way to move on from this issue and your marriage will be stronger.
You can always try and replace your addiction with another.
Bro...it's masturbation, its an addiction that all guys are hard-wired with and its something that can't be "replaced". The closest that any of my friends had gone to curb it at that particular moment was to work out like crazy to the point where exhaustion overtakes the urge to beat off but that only makes the urge stronger the morning after.
We talked again last night. The thing that hurts her so much is that she was home while I was looking. I didnt even see if she would be interested(I just assumed she wouldnt). That makes her feel like I would rather just watch porn than do things with her.
And maybe you do? That's okay. That's really only a problem if you only want to watch porn and you never want to be intimate with your wife.
The bigger problem here is that you assumed she wouldn't be interested. That's a warning sign of a deeper issue.
My big failing here is not the porn or masturbation it's that I didnt feel comfortable talking to my wife about my needs and what ways she would be comfortable with for me to deal with those needs. I was lying to her for a long time and that hurts her.
How were you lying? By not informing her you masturbate?
The current plan is to leave the parental controls as is for now so that I can prove to her that I dont NEED porn. I want to prove to her that now knowing how she feels about it I can easily quit.
You aren't helping matters. You're enabling and reinforcing her insecurities by the way you're responding to this. You're only making things worse.
To the OP, you should definitely seek counseling, both for yourself and with your wife. If you feel guilty about doing something that makes you feel good and does not hurt anyone, then you have some issues to work out.
If you want to masturbate, it's none of your wifes business. She does not own you, and she does not control your happiness. If she has control issues, then she needs to work on those. If you have dependency issues, you need to work on them. If you are not sexually compatible, you BOTH need to work on that. Nothing kills a marriage faster than being sexually incompatible.
And seriously, I think you need to grow a spine. So you wife caught you masturbating. So what?
You're a grown up. She's not your parent. You don't need her permission to do something literally every male on the planet does.
My wife has caught me masturbating to porn, I told her to leave or join in, her choice.
Since when is it a mans job to change his ways in order to accommodate a womans insecurities? If she can't deal with the fact that I do somehting that every man in the history of the planet has done, then she can leave and find someone who will lie to her saying he doesn't do it. Any woman that would prefer being lied to than hearing the truth is not someone I want to be in a relationship with anyway.
That's ridiculous. that's like saying "I see no need to play D&D if you have a good life". Fantasy, including sexually stimulating fantasy, is a perfectly healthy and natural form of enjoyment.
2 months? Jesus. I could barely make it through the time it took me to write this post.
At home? I've masturbated while my wife was asleep next to me. What does her proximity to you have to do with anything?
Whats wrong with that? Watching porn and having sex with your wife are two different things. They have nothing to do with one another. Does your wife get mad when you go out to eat because you didn't stay home and eat what she made?
If you are no comfortable talking about your needs with your wife, yes, that is a big problem and you need to work on that. But you need to get this correlation of "Porn = I don't love my wife" out of your head. You can watch porn, masturbate to your hearts content, and have a wonderful sex life with your wife.
The issue is not that you watch porn. The issue is that your wife cares that you watch porn because of her insecurities, and you are enabling and enforcing those insecurities by acquiescing. You are doing MUCH more harm to your relationship by indulging her than confronting the real issue and tackling it together.
Honestly from your responses it sounds like you have a fundamentally uneven relationship, and that's the real problem.
Exactly!! I agree with everything here, but the bolded part is particularly on the nose.
Okay, I don't care if you want to argue your point, but drop the whole "everyone does it, if they say otherwise they are lying."
That's false. Get over it, not everyone is like you.
Secondly, if you think it's okay to fantasize about other women and objectify them, go ahead. If your wife doesn't care, that's kind of weird, but more power to you. But when my fiancé of the OPs wife cares, why would you say "it's not our job to care about their insecurities"? Sounds well, kind of heartless.
You don't know how I go about addressing her insecurities. It goes both ways. Im not just comforting her and apologizing, I get to the bottom of the issue and let her know why being jealous or whatever the deeper issue is can't go on. I realize now that porn is well, kind of gross. Hence why most people feel guilty or disgusted afterwards. It's also not something God would approve of (yes, that might only pertain to me in this thread, not sure).
Okay, I don't care if you want to argue your point, but drop the whole "everyone does it, if they say otherwise they are lying."
That's false. Get over it, not everyone is like you.
Secondly, if you think it's okay to fantasize about other women and objectify them, go ahead. If your wife doesn't care, that's kind of weird, but more power to you. But when my fiancé of the OPs wife cares, why would you say "it's not our job to care about their insecurities"? Sounds well, kind of heartless.
Thank you iCwalzy. I really dont care about the porn. I have no problem giving that up which is why I suggested that she put controls on my laptop. My problem was that I didnt talk to her and find out she didnt approve of porn. I just assumed that it wouldnt be a huge deal but did not want to have an "awkward" conversation. It blew up in my face and if I would have talked to her about it I probably could have replaced most if not all of my masturbation with her doing stuff for me. I assumed that she would be hurt by me saying I needed her more often than she could physically perform... instead I hurt her by breaking our trust. My marriage is way more valuable to me than seeing some random chick get nailed while I rub one out.
Secondly, if you think it's okay to fantasize about other women and objectify them, go ahead. If your wife doesn't care, that's kind of weird, but more power to you.
I think it's sad that having enough confidence to not be upset by a partner's harmless fantasizing is considered weird.
But when my fiancé of the OPs wife cares, why would you say "it's not our job to care about their insecurities"?
Because, simply put, it's not our job. Though I caution that I don't think anyone here is saying people shouldn't care about their partners' insecurities, more that we shouldn't expect people to make unreasonable sacrifices to appease partners' insecurities. That's controlling and truly has no place in a healthy relationship. Moreover, that sort of appeasement doesn't actually address the issue and those insecurities are bound to resurface later. It either leads to more fighting and ultimately the destruction of the relationship, or the partner acquiescing to the other's insecurities winds up burnt out and resentful but stays in the relationship anyway. I don't see any alternative endings to a relationship plagued by insecurities unless those insecurities are dealt with and overcome.
Our job is to help our partners overcome their insecurities, not fall victims to them.
Sounds well, kind of heartless.
I think it can seem that way, but coddling insecurities won't make them go away, that usually only reinforces them. Standing up for yourself and using tough love need not be heartless.
It's surprising that people think the only two positions on this are religious zealotry or porn being "natural."
This is difficult, because in all of human history, it's only recently that men can anonymously view pornographic movies of women having whatever features, skin color, and bust size they like.
It was only after the massive expansion of the internet that this became an epidemic; before, most men would just go home and have sex with their wives if they saw an attractive woman in public, but now you can easily search for a woman that fits the exact description/proportions of the chick in question and watch her have sex.
Even if you didn't physically engage in having sex with the women you viewed, you certainly suspended your disbelief to the point that your mind and extremities thought you were.
That's why your wife would be hurt, because the desire and intention is there in your mind, even if the naughty bits didn't actually touch.
I can fully understand that viewing pornography has nothing to do with how much you love your wife, even if she gives you all the sex you want: it's just that we're hard-wired to propagate the species as much and as often as possible.
But at the same time, apart from the religious nonsense, people need to understand that it can be painful for your loved one, whether they view it as a "sin" or not.
The fact that you made this thread demonstrates to me that you definitely love your wife.
Just because men do it doesn't mean women can't think it's "yucky."
I try not to do it when my wife is around, but she doesn't want me to stop doing it or something. It sounds to me like your wife just didn't want you doing it while she was around, or that she was at an emotional low when she found you. The fact you were hiding it and then clearly acted super-guilty about it afterwords likely made it worse. This is something you and your wife need to work out, and you both acting like it’s 'evil' is probably not going to help, unless you really feel it is. While I'm not particularly religious, I do take vows rather seriously and you made one to her. So, I don’t think the "tell her to get over it or drop her" approach is necessarily the right one. However, you stopping "forever" probably isn’t the right one either.
You guys need to set a goal for the relationship that your both happy with. Doing something and hiding it from your partner is never a good idea, but just because she might think it's "yucky" doesn't mean you have to stop. You need to have that conversation about it with her, the one you keep saying you don’t want to have. You have to explain it to her, listen to what she thinks and feels, and maybe swear off certain kinds of porn or something. If the issue persists, then seeking professional help for the marriage might also be a good idea.
But, the bottom-line is you're both adults, and you have to solve this problem as adults. Hiding something, acting guilty about it, and promising you’ll never-ever do it again isn't the way adults handle things.
Sounds like OP has a problem or two. One big one is guilt. It's definitely exacerbating this situation. If we could hear more about you and your wifes issues leading to your frustrating sex life we might be able to point you in the direction of getting at the root of this issue.
I'd really recommend reigning it in a little. It's just like any other kinda binge activity, you've got to regulate yourself and you've got to sorta keep it from spilling out into your other time. Something to keep you occupied maybe? It feels like you are wallowing in something that is a bit escapist my friend.
I don't really think masturbation is such a crime though pal. Maybe you need a more negotiated understanding of what you guys are comfortable with or maybe you just need to get what you need without making it influence her and keeping you from other stuff in your life and own up to it and stand behind it. I'm not sure because I don't know you, but I know that if you took heart in what you were doing, weren't ashamed in it and didn't let it become a problem for anyone else or seem seedy this would probably be an easy thing to deal with. You have your needs, but you also have some control over them and the way people see them. Win people over, don't make them pity you my man!
It's an awkward subject but it doesn't have to be too awkward. Just realities of life that need dealing with. Get what you need but don't escape to it and first and foremost try to get what you need with your lady love in a positive constructive way. Remember guilty and pity are not convincing approaches.
But seriously masturbation is so empowering and satisfying. I really can't imagine living without it, even when I'm settled down or I'm doing a lot of dating. It's just nice to be able to take care of yourself on your own freaking time if you need to.
It's surprising that people think the only two positions on this are religious zealotry or porn being "natural."
I don't think anyone is arguing that porn is natural, rather that the act of masturbation is natural. Since pretty much every mammal ever, male and female partakes in the act, I find it hard to believe it's not.
However, earliest cave paintings and sculptures often depicted wide hipped, large breasted women as a frame of reference for young boys seeking a healthy mate. These may have been used as pornographic material. This is conjecture of course, but considering porn has been a part of human society in almost all of recorded history, it's not beyond the realm of possibility.
If you feel the need to jack off in the absence of sex, all that tells me is that you have a healthy male sex drive. It doesn't make you a rapist or a deviant or a cheater, it makes you normal. Don't be guilted into curtailing your natural impulses.
This is difficult, because in all of human history, it's only recently that men can anonymously view pornographic movies of women having whatever features, skin color, and bust size they like.
In all of human history, males and females had multiple sex partners. The idea of Monogamy is a modern invention. Remember that prostitution is one of the oldest professions. We are mammals and our instinctual goal is to breed. The way we were given that goal was through sex drive. Masturbation is a release of that sex drive without violating modern relationship etiquette. To say that he is in some way wrong for circumventing his natural sex drive to make his partner happy by masturbating to porn is in some way wrong is absolutely crazy. Hiding his actions was what was wrong, communication is key.
OP; watch porn with your wife. Help her get whatever is affecting your sex life resolved. Show her you love her and want to be monogamous with her. You hiding the fact that you were jerking it to skinny chicks is your appreciation of her hang up on her body image. Men are visual, women are mental. Men are turned on by the sight of women and women are turned on by the idea of what a man can provide. This is not 100% accurate because people are people, but there is a reason that in homosexual relationships there is a male and female gendered role in the majority. That is the way we have evolved and is not your fault nor anything she should be ashamed of you for. Honesty and communication is the only way to a healthy relationship. Compromise should be equal. No porn or masturbation? Happy and excited ******** when you want it. Help her deal with whatever is keeping her from being happy by positively motivating her to make a change for the better (through participation, not commands). You know that if your sex drive is strong enough to be doing something you already knew she wouldn't approve of, crossing that line again is going to happen sooner or later and opening those lines of communication to settle the issue is the only way you will both be happy.
Or you could wait till she catches you in the bathroom with her clothing advertisements and see how well that turns out.
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The quitting comment was directed at porn. I don't see any good coming from porn if you're in a relationship. I don't think it's normal/natural to watch porn if you're in a relationship.
Secondly, what happened to me was during or after engaging in certain relations, my girlfriend seemed bothered. I found out she thought I was comparing her to the girls in the pictures/videos. She also questioned whether it was possible I was addicted to porn and stimulation and that's all I wanted from her.
When talking about this, I brought up that I have quit watching it, she was the first person I've taken these actions with, and it's just something that stems from my attraction to her. Naturally, I want to do things with my girlfriend. If I just wanted stimulation, I could get random blow jobs from different girls every day of the week. But I don't want that. I want my relationship with her. I'm going to marry her... blow jobs feel good.. I want blow jobs from her, not any body else. I'm with her for her personality and whatnot, not the blow jobs, they are just a plus.
Does that make any more sense?
I feel like I should only talk about these things in person, it's much easier.
Thanks for rephrasing, it certainly read like "quitting masturbation"
I have heard of porno addiction, so if its something that you thought about all the time or was your primary driving force then it wise to avoid it all together.
Right now you guys are still in the beginning part of your relationship lives so when I see it from my view as a guy married, 2 kids, house, mortgate and lots of responsibilities then things become a little more relaxed and single things don't mean so much.
For example at your stage, you girl interprets looking at porn as a threat and your masturbation as a challenge to her ability to satisfy you.
At my stage, when I masturbate, my wife probably thinks "I don't feels sexy right now, thanks God I don't have to perform right now, theres too many things on my mind"
That's all
Honestly you guys probably just need some quality time together. A night on the town, some romantic time, you're humans.
Don't feel bad, you are merely dealing with your desires in a healthy and safe way. You are not cheating on her. You do no wish that she was a model or someone else. You are a human being and I'm sure you would love to sleep with someone else. So would she. The thing is that you have chosen to honour her and not have sex with other people. She has nothing to worry about the fact that you are rubbing one out to people you have never and will never meet. You can close your eyes and imagine someone else and rub one out too or read a trashy romance novel. This does not mean you love her any less. Don't feel guilty for having needs and desires. You are just getting off.
She would not be cheating on you if she was rubbing one out or using a vibrator frequently. As long as she still has a desire to be with you there would be no issues. Continue talking about things, but make sure she realizes that these women are not a replacement for her. They are just a safe addition.
That being said, the Savage Lovecast is very Gay/Trans, etc. friendly. If either of you is extremely religious you might take offense to some of the things said on the show. That being said, get over it. Take the knowledge and opinions for what they are worth.
If you want to stop looking at porn, and want to only have eyes for your wife, then I would suggest reading Every Man's Battle by Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker, and Mike Yorkey.
Apologies, that wasn't clear from your post and I took it to mean you were speaking about women in general.
Even when clarified, it still strikes me as ridiculous. Giving up porn to appease the insecurities of a controlling partner doesn't strike me as a particularly helpful plan. Unaddressed, those insecurities will find other ways to affect the relationship. And in the meantime, you can't even ******** to good porn.
My feeling is that as long as the porn/masturbation isn't a real problem (which for the vast number of men it probably isn't, though I don't discount the corner cases for whom masturbation and porn has become a crutch that is affecting the rest of their lives in detrimental ways), asking one partner to give it up isn't actually solving the problem, it's simply appeasing negative traits in one partner at the expense of the other. Dirt on a powder keg. The problem here isn't that porn and/or masturbation bothers the OP's wife, it's the root of why it bothers her that's the actual problem in the relationship. His porn and masturbation isn't the thing causing them strife, it's not even his awkwardness and reluctance to tell her about it, it's her insecurities. A stable, confident partner wouldn't be as affected by a partner masturbating to porn and not bringing it up. Of course, to be fair, most of the confident women I know don't need to be told that their partners masturbate to pornography, they already assume as much because they do too. But that's neither here nor there.
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Quest for the Forsaken (Set Two of the Excellion Block)
Katingal: Plane of Chains
The site can be interactive but you can also just watch for free... I was doing the for free.
We talked again last night. The thing that hurts her so much is that she was home while I was looking. I didnt even see if she would be interested(I just assumed she wouldnt). That makes her feel like I would rather just watch porn than do things with her.
My big failing here is not the porn or masturbation it's that I didnt feel comfortable talking to my wife about my needs and what ways she would be comfortable with for me to deal with those needs. I was lying to her for a long time and that hurts her.
The current plan is to leave the parental controls as is for now so that I can prove to her that I dont NEED porn. I want to prove to her that now knowing how she feels about it I can easily quit.
I disagree: I think 95% would say yes and 5% would be lying
To the OP, you should definitely seek counseling, both for yourself and with your wife. If you feel guilty about doing something that makes you feel good and does not hurt anyone, then you have some issues to work out.
If you want to masturbate, it's none of your wifes business. She does not own you, and she does not control your happiness. If she has control issues, then she needs to work on those. If you have dependency issues, you need to work on them. If you are not sexually compatible, you BOTH need to work on that. Nothing kills a marriage faster than being sexually incompatible.
And seriously, I think you need to grow a spine. So you wife caught you masturbating. So what?
You're a grown up. She's not your parent. You don't need her permission to do something literally every male on the planet does.
My wife has caught me masturbating to porn, I told her to leave or join in, her choice.
Since when is it a mans job to change his ways in order to accommodate a womans insecurities? If she can't deal with the fact that I do somehting that every man in the history of the planet has done, then she can leave and find someone who will lie to her saying he doesn't do it. Any woman that would prefer being lied to than hearing the truth is not someone I want to be in a relationship with anyway.
That's ridiculous. that's like saying "I see no need to play D&D if you have a good life". Fantasy, including sexually stimulating fantasy, is a perfectly healthy and natural form of enjoyment.
2 months? Jesus. I could barely make it through the time it took me to write this post.
At home? I've masturbated while my wife was asleep next to me. What does her proximity to you have to do with anything?
Whats wrong with that? Watching porn and having sex with your wife are two different things. They have nothing to do with one another. Does your wife get mad when you go out to eat because you didn't stay home and eat what she made?
If you are no comfortable talking about your needs with your wife, yes, that is a big problem and you need to work on that. But you need to get this correlation of "Porn = I don't love my wife" out of your head. You can watch porn, masturbate to your hearts content, and have a wonderful sex life with your wife.
The issue is not that you watch porn. The issue is that your wife cares that you watch porn because of her insecurities, and you are enabling and enforcing those insecurities by acquiescing. You are doing MUCH more harm to your relationship by indulging her than confronting the real issue and tackling it together.
Honestly from your responses it sounds like you have a fundamentally uneven relationship, and that's the real problem.
This makes sense, and makes me understand your wife's position more.
Well, I can't think of anything besides just talking to her and saying you're sorry about hurting her feelings in that way. Find a way to move on from this issue and your marriage will be stronger.
Bro...it's masturbation, its an addiction that all guys are hard-wired with and its something that can't be "replaced". The closest that any of my friends had gone to curb it at that particular moment was to work out like crazy to the point where exhaustion overtakes the urge to beat off but that only makes the urge stronger the morning after.
And maybe you do? That's okay. That's really only a problem if you only want to watch porn and you never want to be intimate with your wife.
The bigger problem here is that you assumed she wouldn't be interested. That's a warning sign of a deeper issue.
How were you lying? By not informing her you masturbate?
You aren't helping matters. You're enabling and reinforcing her insecurities by the way you're responding to this. You're only making things worse.
Exactly!! I agree with everything here, but the bolded part is particularly on the nose.
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Fracture: Israfiel (WBR), Wujal (URG), Valedon (GUB), Amduat (BGW), Paladris (RWU)
Collision (Set Two of the Fracture Block)
Quest for the Forsaken (Set Two of the Excellion Block)
Katingal: Plane of Chains
That's false. Get over it, not everyone is like you.
Secondly, if you think it's okay to fantasize about other women and objectify them, go ahead. If your wife doesn't care, that's kind of weird, but more power to you. But when my fiancé of the OPs wife cares, why would you say "it's not our job to care about their insecurities"? Sounds well, kind of heartless.
You don't know how I go about addressing her insecurities. It goes both ways. Im not just comforting her and apologizing, I get to the bottom of the issue and let her know why being jealous or whatever the deeper issue is can't go on. I realize now that porn is well, kind of gross. Hence why most people feel guilty or disgusted afterwards. It's also not something God would approve of (yes, that might only pertain to me in this thread, not sure).
Thank you iCwalzy. I really dont care about the porn. I have no problem giving that up which is why I suggested that she put controls on my laptop. My problem was that I didnt talk to her and find out she didnt approve of porn. I just assumed that it wouldnt be a huge deal but did not want to have an "awkward" conversation. It blew up in my face and if I would have talked to her about it I probably could have replaced most if not all of my masturbation with her doing stuff for me. I assumed that she would be hurt by me saying I needed her more often than she could physically perform... instead I hurt her by breaking our trust. My marriage is way more valuable to me than seeing some random chick get nailed while I rub one out.
I think it's sad that having enough confidence to not be upset by a partner's harmless fantasizing is considered weird.
Because, simply put, it's not our job. Though I caution that I don't think anyone here is saying people shouldn't care about their partners' insecurities, more that we shouldn't expect people to make unreasonable sacrifices to appease partners' insecurities. That's controlling and truly has no place in a healthy relationship. Moreover, that sort of appeasement doesn't actually address the issue and those insecurities are bound to resurface later. It either leads to more fighting and ultimately the destruction of the relationship, or the partner acquiescing to the other's insecurities winds up burnt out and resentful but stays in the relationship anyway. I don't see any alternative endings to a relationship plagued by insecurities unless those insecurities are dealt with and overcome.
Our job is to help our partners overcome their insecurities, not fall victims to them.
I think it can seem that way, but coddling insecurities won't make them go away, that usually only reinforces them. Standing up for yourself and using tough love need not be heartless.
Archatmos
Excellion
Fracture: Israfiel (WBR), Wujal (URG), Valedon (GUB), Amduat (BGW), Paladris (RWU)
Collision (Set Two of the Fracture Block)
Quest for the Forsaken (Set Two of the Excellion Block)
Katingal: Plane of Chains
This is difficult, because in all of human history, it's only recently that men can anonymously view pornographic movies of women having whatever features, skin color, and bust size they like.
It was only after the massive expansion of the internet that this became an epidemic; before, most men would just go home and have sex with their wives if they saw an attractive woman in public, but now you can easily search for a woman that fits the exact description/proportions of the chick in question and watch her have sex.
Even if you didn't physically engage in having sex with the women you viewed, you certainly suspended your disbelief to the point that your mind and extremities thought you were.
That's why your wife would be hurt, because the desire and intention is there in your mind, even if the naughty bits didn't actually touch.
I can fully understand that viewing pornography has nothing to do with how much you love your wife, even if she gives you all the sex you want: it's just that we're hard-wired to propagate the species as much and as often as possible.
But at the same time, apart from the religious nonsense, people need to understand that it can be painful for your loved one, whether they view it as a "sin" or not.
The fact that you made this thread demonstrates to me that you definitely love your wife.
Not all my beliefs on porn stem from my religion.
Even outside of my relationship with Christ, I think it's concerning how people see absolutely nothing wrong with it.
This is coming from someone who used to be addicted, so yeah. I've been on both sides.
I try not to do it when my wife is around, but she doesn't want me to stop doing it or something. It sounds to me like your wife just didn't want you doing it while she was around, or that she was at an emotional low when she found you. The fact you were hiding it and then clearly acted super-guilty about it afterwords likely made it worse. This is something you and your wife need to work out, and you both acting like it’s 'evil' is probably not going to help, unless you really feel it is. While I'm not particularly religious, I do take vows rather seriously and you made one to her. So, I don’t think the "tell her to get over it or drop her" approach is necessarily the right one. However, you stopping "forever" probably isn’t the right one either.
You guys need to set a goal for the relationship that your both happy with. Doing something and hiding it from your partner is never a good idea, but just because she might think it's "yucky" doesn't mean you have to stop. You need to have that conversation about it with her, the one you keep saying you don’t want to have. You have to explain it to her, listen to what she thinks and feels, and maybe swear off certain kinds of porn or something. If the issue persists, then seeking professional help for the marriage might also be a good idea.
But, the bottom-line is you're both adults, and you have to solve this problem as adults. Hiding something, acting guilty about it, and promising you’ll never-ever do it again isn't the way adults handle things.
I'd really recommend reigning it in a little. It's just like any other kinda binge activity, you've got to regulate yourself and you've got to sorta keep it from spilling out into your other time. Something to keep you occupied maybe? It feels like you are wallowing in something that is a bit escapist my friend.
I don't really think masturbation is such a crime though pal. Maybe you need a more negotiated understanding of what you guys are comfortable with or maybe you just need to get what you need without making it influence her and keeping you from other stuff in your life and own up to it and stand behind it. I'm not sure because I don't know you, but I know that if you took heart in what you were doing, weren't ashamed in it and didn't let it become a problem for anyone else or seem seedy this would probably be an easy thing to deal with. You have your needs, but you also have some control over them and the way people see them. Win people over, don't make them pity you my man!
It's an awkward subject but it doesn't have to be too awkward. Just realities of life that need dealing with. Get what you need but don't escape to it and first and foremost try to get what you need with your lady love in a positive constructive way. Remember guilty and pity are not convincing approaches.
But seriously masturbation is so empowering and satisfying. I really can't imagine living without it, even when I'm settled down or I'm doing a lot of dating. It's just nice to be able to take care of yourself on your own freaking time if you need to.
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I don't think anyone is arguing that porn is natural, rather that the act of masturbation is natural. Since pretty much every mammal ever, male and female partakes in the act, I find it hard to believe it's not.
However, earliest cave paintings and sculptures often depicted wide hipped, large breasted women as a frame of reference for young boys seeking a healthy mate. These may have been used as pornographic material. This is conjecture of course, but considering porn has been a part of human society in almost all of recorded history, it's not beyond the realm of possibility.
If you feel the need to jack off in the absence of sex, all that tells me is that you have a healthy male sex drive. It doesn't make you a rapist or a deviant or a cheater, it makes you normal. Don't be guilted into curtailing your natural impulses.
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So were on the phone and tells me "I need to choose a restaurant for tomorrowwhatkindofporndoyouwatch?"
In all of human history, males and females had multiple sex partners. The idea of Monogamy is a modern invention. Remember that prostitution is one of the oldest professions. We are mammals and our instinctual goal is to breed. The way we were given that goal was through sex drive. Masturbation is a release of that sex drive without violating modern relationship etiquette. To say that he is in some way wrong for circumventing his natural sex drive to make his partner happy by masturbating to porn is in some way wrong is absolutely crazy. Hiding his actions was what was wrong, communication is key.
OP; watch porn with your wife. Help her get whatever is affecting your sex life resolved. Show her you love her and want to be monogamous with her. You hiding the fact that you were jerking it to skinny chicks is your appreciation of her hang up on her body image. Men are visual, women are mental. Men are turned on by the sight of women and women are turned on by the idea of what a man can provide. This is not 100% accurate because people are people, but there is a reason that in homosexual relationships there is a male and female gendered role in the majority. That is the way we have evolved and is not your fault nor anything she should be ashamed of you for. Honesty and communication is the only way to a healthy relationship. Compromise should be equal. No porn or masturbation? Happy and excited ******** when you want it. Help her deal with whatever is keeping her from being happy by positively motivating her to make a change for the better (through participation, not commands). You know that if your sex drive is strong enough to be doing something you already knew she wouldn't approve of, crossing that line again is going to happen sooner or later and opening those lines of communication to settle the issue is the only way you will both be happy.
Or you could wait till she catches you in the bathroom with her clothing advertisements and see how well that turns out.