Now that Super Tuesday has passed, I would like to declare my eligibility as a write-in candidate for President of the United States.
In this thread, I would like everyone to share the details of what they know or have heard about me through either first person account, hearsay, or mere speculation.
Also here is the thread to share with the world my plans as President, my beliefs, my positions.
I believe that all facts or bizarre rumors about me need to be out in the open, even if they could possibly derail my well-constructed campaign.
The truth must be known!
What would likely turn someone away could be just as likely to attract some other undecided fringe voter.
I am very likely to sway on certain issues, so there could very likely be conflicting information, so whatever has been said the most recently, let's go with that.
Inspired by John McCain, this here is the Straight Talk Express. Actually, let's just call it the Bi-Curious Talk Express. (No matter what people say about me, Kank is ALWAYS in support of lesbians! Huzzah!)
Here's some juicy tidbits to start you on your fact-finding mission:
Kank is pro-life, pro-choice, pro-guns, and pro-gun control. One of the bills I will support is Automatic Weapons for Babies. Babies are full of innocence, so they certainly wouldn't kill each other or adults intentionally or out of racial intolerance, right? If any problems arise from this bill, I may endorse a subsequent bill for infant firearms training to avoid possible accidental discharges.
Unlike Mitt Romney, Kank has no racial prejudices towards eggplants. I don't want to eat anything with eggplant in it per se, but I certainly don't have an action plan for ethnic eggplant cleansing.
Unlike Barack Obama, Kank was not born a Muslim. Kank was born a Satanist. To show my appreciation to our dark lord Baal, I have a construction crew on call so that we can transform the Pentagon into the Pentagrammagon, which would look much cooler and be way more pointy.
Unlike Hillary Clinton, Kank was born female. After many surgeries and a lot of velcro, those things were changed for the better and/or worse.
As president, I plan to open up the borders...to Canada. Welcome hosers! (Don't forget to bring some pilsner!)
Unlike Bill Clinton, Kank did have sexual relations with that woman, and uh that woman, and that woman and those midgets over there, and possibly even that horse.
The sordid details about my life and plans as president are virtually never ending.
What things have you found out about me that you'd like to share with the world?
Unlike Hillary Clinton, Kank was born female. After many surgeries and a lot of velcro, those things were changed for the better and/or worse.
heck you got my vote. anyone capable of stealing peoples souls at will should by all means be given the title of most powerful person in the world! let the world tremble!
Kank would likely appoint a claustrophobic llama as Secretary of the Interior. For Secretary of State, he would likely appoint Jessica Alba, because hey, well, who wouldn't?
As a president, Kank will open the borders 360. In last week's speech, he said, and I quote:
"Well, I that's my idea. Have you seen those angels? Man, they're hot. Oh, and Succubus! Wow, I could stare at those %$##$% for hours. And Canadians? Oh, sure them too, I don't mind. I think we should only leave out the French... And maybe the Russians too, but that's just because they have enough space already"
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That speech totally clinched me with the National Topless Succubi League. I even have some extra lapel pins to hand out, because, obviously they don't have any need for lapel pins being topless succubi and all!
I also denote the unibrow smiley as the official smiley of my candidacy!
I also have a bill in the works for all public school lunch programs to add marijuana to the food. Kids need more fiber in their diet, dammit!
I do pretty well with the Russian communities because I always smell like vodka and cheap sex. I'm polling pretty well with other groups that just plain old like vodka and cheap sex.
That reminds me, I need to institute a tax amendment to make vodka and cheap sex tax deductible.
Right now, lgmhorus still leads after doing riddle's grandmother and two of his dead great-grandmothers (without any Necro-Lube even!).
He got extra points for taking a huge runny dump in an empty Super Big Gulp cup and giving it to Melissa Joan Hart at a Sabrina the Teenage Witch convention.
Where do I currently rank with The Alpaca Lovers of North America (TALONA) after that fiasco in Chile?
You're still doing OK, even after the Chilean Chilli Incident.
I think that the "Super Big Gulp Dump To The Annoying Artist" should be the main focus of the campaign. I have plans to go to Kathy Griffin next, but the Sauerkraut didn't have the desired effect...
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Winner is Judge and Club Flaming IIW (get the one on top)
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I tried clicking on your link Pinoy_Guy of me with fries, but it doesn't seem to work.
Oh, and during my presidency anybody that calls french fries "freedom fries" is legally required to get a swift kick in the nuts.
I'm already working on campaign reform involving television ads. If it passes, TV spots can only be shown during good TV shows as long as they contain full-frontal nudity with really hot super-model quality actresses.
Anything goes during Oprah and Dr. Phil hours (as long as donkeys are involved).
Kankennon.....I've heard rumors that when it comes to your home life, you're "wild, wild life" makes Mitt Romney look as loose as Paris Hilton! I've heard that you've been frequently compared to His Holiness the Pope, The Prophet Muhammed, and even a Mother Teresa.
What can you say to ease the stresses that the "you" that you portray on the internet is just a false, cruel lie? Can you help us voters actually believe that you support your claims to once being a female? Can you really show us some pictures of you at the Topless Succubi Convention (preferrably in good color quality and no graininess .jpgs)?
Kank! Let the People Know!
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Proud Owner of: Extremeicon's Hamster-balled soul Istanbul's Soul, Bidder of Myself votan's Linux-loving Soul grappler12's Poop-smithing Soul Sir Blakely's Fencing Soul CraZedMiKe's Soul Transferred Back at His Request HAWKEYE 7's Calvin and Hobbes Loving Soul Tanthalas' Greek Alliance Soul Avatar of Kokusho's Island-Hating Soul Salubrious' Rather-Belatedly Added Soul
I say you put me in charge of the FED. I promise to lie to lull people into a false sense of security to stimulate the economy and to only embezzel 2 million dollars a year.
Well including my generous stimulus and embezzalment package I have also stimulated four g-spots and a midget since yesterday.
As for the Vodka study, we have concluded that anything less than what the average Russian would drink per day is acceptable. Which is about 40-50 gallons, better drink up!
In this thread, I would like everyone to share the details of what they know or have heard about me through either first person account, hearsay, or mere speculation.
Also here is the thread to share with the world my plans as President, my beliefs, my positions.
I believe that all facts or bizarre rumors about me need to be out in the open, even if they could possibly derail my well-constructed campaign.
The truth must be known!
What would likely turn someone away could be just as likely to attract some other undecided fringe voter.
I am very likely to sway on certain issues, so there could very likely be conflicting information, so whatever has been said the most recently, let's go with that.
Inspired by John McCain, this here is the Straight Talk Express. Actually, let's just call it the Bi-Curious Talk Express. (No matter what people say about me, Kank is ALWAYS in support of lesbians! Huzzah!)
Here's some juicy tidbits to start you on your fact-finding mission:
Kank is pro-life, pro-choice, pro-guns, and pro-gun control. One of the bills I will support is Automatic Weapons for Babies. Babies are full of innocence, so they certainly wouldn't kill each other or adults intentionally or out of racial intolerance, right? If any problems arise from this bill, I may endorse a subsequent bill for infant firearms training to avoid possible accidental discharges.
Unlike Mitt Romney, Kank has no racial prejudices towards eggplants. I don't want to eat anything with eggplant in it per se, but I certainly don't have an action plan for ethnic eggplant cleansing.
Unlike Barack Obama, Kank was not born a Muslim. Kank was born a Satanist. To show my appreciation to our dark lord Baal, I have a construction crew on call so that we can transform the Pentagon into the Pentagrammagon, which would look much cooler and be way more pointy.
Unlike Hillary Clinton, Kank was born female. After many surgeries and a lot of velcro, those things were changed for the better and/or worse.
As president, I plan to open up the borders...to Canada. Welcome hosers! (Don't forget to bring some pilsner!)
Unlike Bill Clinton, Kank did have sexual relations with that woman, and uh that woman, and that woman and those midgets over there, and possibly even that horse.
The sordid details about my life and plans as president are virtually never ending.
What things have you found out about me that you'd like to share with the world?
heck you got my vote. anyone capable of stealing peoples souls at will should by all means be given the title of most powerful person in the world! let the world tremble!
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Done:
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Kamigawa re-done
I thought you'd have her as first lady.
"Well, I that's my idea. Have you seen those angels? Man, they're hot. Oh, and Succubus! Wow, I could stare at those %$##$% for hours. And Canadians? Oh, sure them too, I don't mind. I think we should only leave out the French... And maybe the Russians too, but that's just because they have enough space already"
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Graveyard effects
Done:
1 Mana Legendary Permanent
Kamigawa re-done
I also denote the unibrow smiley as the official smiley of my candidacy!
I also have a bill in the works for all public school lunch programs to add marijuana to the food. Kids need more fiber in their diet, dammit!
I do pretty well with the Russian communities because I always smell like vodka and cheap sex. I'm polling pretty well with other groups that just plain old like vodka and cheap sex.
That reminds me, I need to institute a tax amendment to make vodka and cheap sex tax deductible.
Guild ability being used by another guild
Graveyard effects
Done:
1 Mana Legendary Permanent
Kamigawa re-done
Kank, you have my vote as long as I get the job for Vice President.
*starts plotting of Kankennon's assassination*
Proceeds from sales of the DVD of that contest will help fund my election campaign.
All of my loyal supporting delegates will receive a copy of it signed by Gilbert Gottfried. (Don't worry, he's not in it.)
well, i just f-ed your mother and Gilbert Gottfried on a treadmill... so where does that put me?
I don't know 'bout Kank, but you lost my vote on Gilbert Gottfried...
Guild ability being used by another guild
Graveyard effects
Done:
1 Mana Legendary Permanent
Kamigawa re-done
He got extra points for taking a huge runny dump in an empty Super Big Gulp cup and giving it to Melissa Joan Hart at a Sabrina the Teenage Witch convention.
Where do I currently rank with The Alpaca Lovers of North America (TALONA) after that fiasco in Chile?
I think that the "Super Big Gulp Dump To The Annoying Artist" should be the main focus of the campaign. I have plans to go to Kathy Griffin next, but the Sauerkraut didn't have the desired effect...
Guild ability being used by another guild
Graveyard effects
Done:
1 Mana Legendary Permanent
Kamigawa re-done
(and fries too.)
YOU ROCK!
My Sig's smile is better than yours.
I tried clicking on your link Pinoy_Guy of me with fries, but it doesn't seem to work.
Oh, and during my presidency anybody that calls french fries "freedom fries" is legally required to get a swift kick in the nuts.
I'm already working on campaign reform involving television ads. If it passes, TV spots can only be shown during good TV shows as long as they contain full-frontal nudity with really hot super-model quality actresses.
Anything goes during Oprah and Dr. Phil hours (as long as donkeys are involved).
Guild ability being used by another guild
Graveyard effects
Done:
1 Mana Legendary Permanent
Kamigawa re-done
What can you say to ease the stresses that the "you" that you portray on the internet is just a false, cruel lie? Can you help us voters actually believe that you support your claims to once being a female? Can you really show us some pictures of you at the Topless Succubi Convention (preferrably in good color quality and no graininess .jpgs)?
Kank! Let the People Know!
Proud Owner of:
Extremeicon's Hamster-balled soul
Istanbul's Soul, Bidder of Myself
votan's Linux-loving Soul
grappler12's Poop-smithing Soul
Sir Blakely's Fencing Soul
CraZedMiKe's Soul Transferred Back at His Request
HAWKEYE 7's Calvin and Hobbes Loving Soul
Tanthalas' Greek Alliance Soul
Avatar of Kokusho's Island-Hating Soul
Salubrious' Rather-Belatedly Added Soul
DCI Advanced Organizer
http://kankennon.com/pics/AndrewW2.JPG
I know I don't look like my usual self in that picture because under normal conditions, I really look like this:
http://kankennon.com/pics/headchef.JPG
Guild ability being used by another guild
Graveyard effects
Done:
1 Mana Legendary Permanent
Kamigawa re-done
Due to my cheap sex tax rebates, you're better off stimulating the economy by stimulating some G-spots!
Has that study been finished on how much vodka is considered "too much" vodka?
I have to streamline my campaign's alcohol allowances.
As for the Vodka study, we have concluded that anything less than what the average Russian would drink per day is acceptable. Which is about 40-50 gallons, better drink up!