I actually like a few of the jokes in this thread. Bad jokes are a form of humor in and of themselves. For example, the unjoke, meant to catch the person you're telling it to off guard.
Q: How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One.
---
Q: Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
A: Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
However, puns will always be one of my favorite forms of bad jokes.
Choke it till it turns purple and shoot it with a purple elephant gun.
How do you kill a blue elephant?
Tell it bad elephant jokes till it turns red, choke it till it turns purple, and shoot it with a purple elephant gun.
How do you kill a green elephant?
Freeze it till it turns blue, tell it bad elephant jokes till it turns red, choke it till it turns purple, and shoot it with a purple elephant gun.
How do you kill an orange elephant?
Feed it till it turns green, freeze it till it turns blue, tell it bad elephant jokes till it turns red, choke it till it turn purple and shoot it with a purple elephant gun.
How do you kill a yellow elephant?
You don't, there are no yellow elephants.
Why do elephants have red painted toe nails?
To hide in cherry trees.
Have you seen an elephant in a cherry tree? no, the it's working.
Why do elephants wear yellow hats?
To hide in the tops of bannana trees.
Have you seen an elephant in the top of a bannana tree? no, then it's working.
Why do elephants wear big yellow sandals?
To hide in the bottom of bannana tress? no, then it's working.
What did tarzan say when he saw a herd of Giraffes?
"Oh look, elephants."
What did tarzan say when he saw elephants with red painted toenails, giant yellow hats, and giant yellow sandals?
Nothing, he couldn't see them.
What did he saw when he saw a herd of giraffes wearing the above?
3 ropes want to get in a bar. The first walks in, and the barkeep says "I am sorry, we don't serve rope here." The second walks in and the barkeep say "I am sorry, but we don't serve rope here." The third unravels its ends, and ties itself up, and then walks in. The barkeep asks "Are you a rope?" The rope quickly responds "Nope, I am a fraid knot."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Well my dear Watson, it means someone has stolen our tent."
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We have laboured long to build a heaven, only to find it populated with horrors.
Did you hear about the man who entered ten bad puns into a joke contest? He had hoped that with that many entries one would place, but unfortunately, no pun intended ("no pun in ten did").
---
A man had an old eccentric dog, Mace, that started eating grass in his yard and the man had considered getting rid of the dog until one day he was working in the back on his car and dropped his lucky wrench. He searched over and over, but the grass was just too long and he couldn't see anything. So, he went to bed and awoke the next morning to see his dog Mace, with his lucky wrench in his mouth, sitting in an eaten area of the lawn. So, the man cried out, "A grazing mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me!"
---
A sad old Catholic man was married to a terrible and vicious wife who made his life miserable. By chance, he met a woman, Clearly, at his church. She was a very nice and beautiful woman, but he couldn't entertain any thoughts of infidelity or divorcing his wife, so he remained miserable for years, but still remained friends with this woman who never married herself. His wife eventually contracted a deadly disease and died. After the funeral, one of his closest friends noticed his odd reaction and asked him, "Why are you smiling? I thought that when Lorrained died, you'd be crying and sad." The man just turned to his friend and said happily, "I can see Clearly now; Lorraine is gone."
---
Everyone who's taken Geometry in school knows about the Pythagorean Theorem, and many even know that Chinese discovered the same thing, independently of the Greeks. However, very few know that Native Americans also discovered the same thing independently hundreds of years ago.
It all started when two mothers were gossiping about the chief's daughter. She was a very, very big girl - bigger than son of the first mother or the son of the second mother. The one mother said that she bet that the daughter weighed more than their two sons combined, in fact. The other mother doubted this very much, and made a small wager with the other woman. However, the bigger challenge was how to determine whether this was true or not. They didn't have a scale, after all.
They decided after a lot of discussion that the best thing to do would be to get a giant log, balance it between two logs and put the daughter on one end, and put the two sons on the other end. The mother got their sons to help out, felling a great tree and constructing such a balancing scale, crude as it was. All that was left was to make a comfortable seat for all three to sit on. The sons were big strong warriors, but they could sit on deer hides just fine. The chief's daughter was too large for any deer hide they had, though. It turned out that the only animal big enough to accomodate her was a hippo. After hunting one and skinning it, they placed the daughter and the two men and waited to see what happened. It took awhile to stop teeter-tottering, but eventually the log stopped moving and amazingly, it was perfectly horizontal. The daughter weighed exactly the same as the others.
And that's how they derived the theory:
"The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
I can't listen to the "Why did the chicken cross the road?" joke the same way since I had it explained...
The punchline has a double meaning. The obvious meaning is that the chicken is trying to get to the other side of the road, but it can also be interpreted as the chicken killing itself to get into the afterlife. After I learned this the joke became much more morbid than I had thought before ;P
Three tomatoes were walking down the road, a mom, a dad, and a baby. The baby starts to lag behind, the father then goes and squishes him and says "ketchup".
It's in Pulp Fiction which is still the greatest movie ever.
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After coming up with my Chicken joke and seeing a few others, I wikipedia's it and found these variations ; Pasting my favs
Why shouldn't a chicken cross the road?
It would be a fowl proceeding
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it had no frontal lobe.
The joke is reportedly codified into law in at least one municipality. A Quitman, Georgia ordinance prohibits chickens from crossing the road.[4]
***
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... Well, I guess we finally answered "THAT question!"
****** Once upon a time there was a horse and a chicken who were good friends. They lived on a farmyard with lots of other animals and were very happy. One day, while they were playing near the farm's pond, the horse stepped into a hole of quicksand. The horse rapidly sank and was yelling for his friend, the chicken, to save him. The chicken thought for a minute, then ran back to the farmhouse, and jumped into the farmer's 735csi BMW. Luckily, the keys were in the ignition, and the chicken managed to start the car, and put it in gear. It raced over to the sinkhole, where the horse had almost disappeared by now. The smart chicken tied a rope around the back of the BMW and threw the other end around the front legs of the horse. The chicken hopped back in the driver's seat and stepped on the gas. Ever so slowly, the horse eased out of the quicksand and jumped to safety. The horse, still on shaky legs, stuttered: "You just saved my life. Thank you!" The chicken just said, "Don't mention it - That's what friends are for!!" They returned the BMW and went out to dinner together in the barn yard. A few days later, the horse got up from a good night's rest, and heard some muffled cries for help coming from the backyard. The horse followed the sounds and came upon a terrible scene. There was his best friend, the chicken, stuck in a hole of quicksand! The sand was already up to its neck-feathers and the cries for help had almost stopped. The horse took a quick look around: No rope in sight And the farmer had gone to town with his BMW. What to do? The horse took a deep breath and spread his body and legs out over the hole. His member was dangling down right above the poor chicken. "Here, my friend, grab my thingie and I will pull you to safety!". With its last bit of energy, the chicken grabbed a hold of the big horse-thingie and the horse straightened its body, pulling the chicken from its trap. With one big step, both were on solid ground and safe. The chicken slumped down on the ground, exhausted: "Now You saved my life, my friend!!" The horse just smiled. And what is the moral of this story? ... If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Media is not making me steal. But in a way is like the story of the very hot girl with the short skirt teasing the old sick guy with a history of rape.
The only indecent thing about this joke is that is contains bathroom humor, but it's the only one joke I know that makes everyone laugh without fail.
The president of the US, the president of Japan, and the president of Costa Rica (my homeland, where this joke comes from) are sitting in a jacuzzi, relaxing. Suddenly, a beep starts sounding, and the US president touches his earlobe and starts talking. Once he's done, he explains that it's the latest US technology: a phone implanted withing the ear. Then another beep sounds, and the Japanese president winks and starts having a conversation. He later explains that it's the newest Japanese technology: near-telepathic communication through the body.
Desperate, the Costa Rican president didn't know how to impress the other two, because his country was so behind in technology; so he excused himself to the bathroom, and when he got out he was dragging a paper towel tail (between his bums). When the other presidents asked what was that, he answered: "Oh, I'm just receiving a fax":D
"What did one farmer say to the other farmer?"
"Wer'e farmers hahaha"
imensly lame
And from red dwarf
"How many mechanoids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
"12"
"and do you know why... Because there so stupid."
Ok... me and some of my friends were sitting around the campfire telling jokes and there was this one really good one...
There's these three guys playing golf - Moses, Jesus and a really old guy. So Jesus gets to hit first. He whacks the ball and it lands in the water.So he walks on the water and hits the ball, which lands three feet from the hole. Next up, Moses hits the ball. It lands in the water. He parts the water and hits the ball. It lands three feet from the hole. Next, the old guy hits it. It goes for the water, bounces off a fish into a frog's mouth. Just then, an eagle swoops down and picks the frog up, which ribbits going over the hole. The ball falls out of the frog's mouth into the hole. Moses looks at Jesus and says "I hate playing golf with your dad."
Then there's another good one.
Three hunters in a bar. They make a bet to see who can bring in the biggest prize. So the first goes out and comes back with a moutain goat. The others go "Whoa, howdja find that?" and he says "I followed some goat tracks, and I found a goat!" So the second one goes out and comes back with a moose. The others go "Whoa, howdja get that?" and he says "I followed some moose tracks and I found a moose!" The third guy goes out and comes back covered in blood and bruises and sporting at least a dozen broken bones. One arm's fallen off. The others go "Whoa, what happened to you?" and he says "Well, I followed some train tracks, and I found a train!"
Also,
Three guys jumping off a building onto a mat below. The first two land, but the third doesn't land beside them. So they wait an hour. Another hour. Another five hours and finally the third guy lands beside them. The others go "What took you so long?" and he says "I had to stop and ask directions on the way down."
This one's from my band teacher last year...
Four guys on an airplane about to make a crash landing, a dad, his kid, a priest and a scientist. There are only three parachutes on board. The priest goes "The world needs me to preach to them and bless them" and jumps out with a parachute. The scientist goes "The world needs me and my brains" and jumps out with another pack. The father says to the son "Son, you go. You have more time left than I do, start a family when you're older and continue our family name". Then the kid goes "It's okay daddy, we can both go. See, two parachutes. The smart man took my backpack!"
The final two are related...
What's black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white?
Modern: GRB Jund BRG RBU Grixis Delver UBR Legacy: W Death & Taxes W GRB Punishing Jund BRG GUR Canadian Threshold RUG Commander: RUG Maelstrom Wanderer GUR
Everybody loves a good dead baby joke, am I right?
You couldn't be more wrong. I don't know where you get your sick humor from... Do you really think it's tasteful/funny?
KrackShott's jokes are classics. One of them reminded me of another children's classic:
A vampires gets to his castle, and another one greets him. He spots his companion who arrived full of blood dripping from his mouth and asks him,
"Whoa! You're so lucky! Where did you get all that succulent blood?"
The other one says,
"Well, do you see that pole over there?"
"Yeah."
"Well, I didn't"
There's also human rights abuses, but that punchline isn't as funny.
Q: How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One.
---
Q: Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
A: Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
However, puns will always be one of my favorite forms of bad jokes.
And missed.
“I once had an entire race killed just to listen to the rattling of their dried bones as I waded through them.”
—Volrath
Shoot it with a purple elephant gun.
How do you kill a red elephant?
Choke it till it turns purple and shoot it with a purple elephant gun.
How do you kill a blue elephant?
Tell it bad elephant jokes till it turns red, choke it till it turns purple, and shoot it with a purple elephant gun.
How do you kill a green elephant?
Freeze it till it turns blue, tell it bad elephant jokes till it turns red, choke it till it turns purple, and shoot it with a purple elephant gun.
How do you kill an orange elephant?
Feed it till it turns green, freeze it till it turns blue, tell it bad elephant jokes till it turns red, choke it till it turn purple and shoot it with a purple elephant gun.
How do you kill a yellow elephant?
You don't, there are no yellow elephants.
Why do elephants have red painted toe nails?
To hide in cherry trees.
Have you seen an elephant in a cherry tree? no, the it's working.
Why do elephants wear yellow hats?
To hide in the tops of bannana trees.
Have you seen an elephant in the top of a bannana tree? no, then it's working.
Why do elephants wear big yellow sandals?
To hide in the bottom of bannana tress? no, then it's working.
What did tarzan say when he saw a herd of Giraffes?
"Oh look, elephants."
What did tarzan say when he saw elephants with red painted toenails, giant yellow hats, and giant yellow sandals?
Nothing, he couldn't see them.
What did he saw when he saw a herd of giraffes wearing the above?
"Those elephants won't fool me this time."
Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stamp out forest fires.
Why do bears have flat feet?
To stamp out flaming ducks.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out flaming Bears.
I have more, just can't remember them.
Sig and avatar by the fine people at
[High~Light Studios]
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
Self proclaimed (Draconic) Leader of the one-man goblin mob.
Necromancer: Prices are reasonable (Only an arm and a leg, or two.)
3 ropes want to get in a bar. The first walks in, and the barkeep says "I am sorry, we don't serve rope here." The second walks in and the barkeep say "I am sorry, but we don't serve rope here." The third unravels its ends, and ties itself up, and then walks in. The barkeep asks "Are you a rope?" The rope quickly responds "Nope, I am a fraid knot."
Sig and avatar by the fine people at
[High~Light Studios]
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
Self proclaimed (Draconic) Leader of the one-man goblin mob.
Necromancer: Prices are reasonable (Only an arm and a leg, or two.)
-Answer:
Because everyone knows that lawyers are good deep down.
Dagger, Locater, Infrared Goggles, A Fire Wand, 2x Motion Mine, a Shrapnel Grenade, and 2x Optical Keys
Why does New Jersey have as many toxic waste dumps as L.A. has lawyers?
What did the seed say when he was all grown up?
Geometry!! (Gee, I'm a tree)
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Well my dear Watson, it means someone has stolen our tent."
---
A man had an old eccentric dog, Mace, that started eating grass in his yard and the man had considered getting rid of the dog until one day he was working in the back on his car and dropped his lucky wrench. He searched over and over, but the grass was just too long and he couldn't see anything. So, he went to bed and awoke the next morning to see his dog Mace, with his lucky wrench in his mouth, sitting in an eaten area of the lawn. So, the man cried out, "A grazing mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me!"
---
A sad old Catholic man was married to a terrible and vicious wife who made his life miserable. By chance, he met a woman, Clearly, at his church. She was a very nice and beautiful woman, but he couldn't entertain any thoughts of infidelity or divorcing his wife, so he remained miserable for years, but still remained friends with this woman who never married herself. His wife eventually contracted a deadly disease and died. After the funeral, one of his closest friends noticed his odd reaction and asked him, "Why are you smiling? I thought that when Lorrained died, you'd be crying and sad." The man just turned to his friend and said happily, "I can see Clearly now; Lorraine is gone."
---
Everyone who's taken Geometry in school knows about the Pythagorean Theorem, and many even know that Chinese discovered the same thing, independently of the Greeks. However, very few know that Native Americans also discovered the same thing independently hundreds of years ago.
It all started when two mothers were gossiping about the chief's daughter. She was a very, very big girl - bigger than son of the first mother or the son of the second mother. The one mother said that she bet that the daughter weighed more than their two sons combined, in fact. The other mother doubted this very much, and made a small wager with the other woman. However, the bigger challenge was how to determine whether this was true or not. They didn't have a scale, after all.
They decided after a lot of discussion that the best thing to do would be to get a giant log, balance it between two logs and put the daughter on one end, and put the two sons on the other end. The mother got their sons to help out, felling a great tree and constructing such a balancing scale, crude as it was. All that was left was to make a comfortable seat for all three to sit on. The sons were big strong warriors, but they could sit on deer hides just fine. The chief's daughter was too large for any deer hide they had, though. It turned out that the only animal big enough to accomodate her was a hippo. After hunting one and skinning it, they placed the daughter and the two men and waited to see what happened. It took awhile to stop teeter-tottering, but eventually the log stopped moving and amazingly, it was perfectly horizontal. The daughter weighed exactly the same as the others.
And that's how they derived the theory:
"The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
***
So I was feeling a little horse today. Then it kicked me.
So I was feeling a little dog today. Then it kicked me.
So I was feeling a little fish today. Then it... aw, dangit...
***
So a termite walks into a bar and asks "is the bartender here?"
Thanks to spiderboy4 @ High~Light Studios
http://forums.mtgsalvation.com/showthread.php?p=3304230#post3304230
HOW TO CONSTRUCT MANA BASE (not mine)
T2 -
WW Kithkin
RGW Zoo
but when it start to move he fell off of it...
Thank you for Heroes of the Plane Studios for this awesome sig.
Legacy:
Shardlessless BUG (active)
Shardless BUG (retired)
UW Stoneblade (retired)
Maveric (retired)
Thopters (retired)
Dark Horizons (retired)
Dreadstill (retired)
Armageddon Staxx (retired)
- You think it is over, but Ibraman has just begun...
- When it rains, women get wet.
what do you call a guy who just came back from the beach?
a tan-gent
The punchline has a double meaning. The obvious meaning is that the chicken is trying to get to the other side of the road, but it can also be interpreted as the chicken killing itself to get into the afterlife. After I learned this the joke became much more morbid than I had thought before ;P
It still isn't funny, though.
It's in Pulp Fiction which is still the greatest movie ever.
Thanks to PurpleD for the awesome banner!
(Semi-retired)
Why shouldn't a chicken cross the road?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
The joke is reportedly codified into law in at least one municipality. A Quitman, Georgia ordinance prohibits chickens from crossing the road.[4]
***
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... Well, I guess we finally answered "THAT question!"
******
Once upon a time there was a horse and a chicken who were good friends. They lived on a farmyard with lots of other animals and were very happy. One day, while they were playing near the farm's pond, the horse stepped into a hole of quicksand. The horse rapidly sank and was yelling for his friend, the chicken, to save him. The chicken thought for a minute, then ran back to the farmhouse, and jumped into the farmer's 735csi BMW. Luckily, the keys were in the ignition, and the chicken managed to start the car, and put it in gear. It raced over to the sinkhole, where the horse had almost disappeared by now. The smart chicken tied a rope around the back of the BMW and threw the other end around the front legs of the horse. The chicken hopped back in the driver's seat and stepped on the gas. Ever so slowly, the horse eased out of the quicksand and jumped to safety. The horse, still on shaky legs, stuttered: "You just saved my life. Thank you!" The chicken just said, "Don't mention it - That's what friends are for!!" They returned the BMW and went out to dinner together in the barn yard.
A few days later, the horse got up from a good night's rest, and heard some muffled cries for help coming from the backyard. The horse followed the sounds and came upon a terrible scene. There was his best friend, the chicken, stuck in a hole of quicksand! The sand was already up to its neck-feathers and the cries for help had almost stopped. The horse took a quick look around: No rope in sight And the farmer had gone to town with his BMW. What to do? The horse took a deep breath and spread his body and legs out over the hole. His member was dangling down right above the poor chicken. "Here, my friend, grab my thingie and I will pull you to safety!". With its last bit of energy, the chicken grabbed a hold of the big horse-thingie and the horse straightened its body, pulling the chicken from its trap. With one big step, both were on solid ground and safe. The chicken slumped down on the ground, exhausted: "Now You saved my life, my friend!!" The horse just smiled. And what is the moral of this story? ... If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Desperate, the Costa Rican president didn't know how to impress the other two, because his country was so behind in technology; so he excused himself to the bathroom, and when he got out he was dragging a paper towel tail (between his bums). When the other presidents asked what was that, he answered: "Oh, I'm just receiving a fax":D
I like 4/4s for 7.
"Wer'e farmers hahaha"
imensly lame
And from red dwarf
"How many mechanoids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
"12"
"and do you know why... Because there so stupid."
All of the above
Thanks To KrackShott
Old extendo moved
There's these three guys playing golf - Moses, Jesus and a really old guy. So Jesus gets to hit first. He whacks the ball and it lands in the water.So he walks on the water and hits the ball, which lands three feet from the hole. Next up, Moses hits the ball. It lands in the water. He parts the water and hits the ball. It lands three feet from the hole. Next, the old guy hits it. It goes for the water, bounces off a fish into a frog's mouth. Just then, an eagle swoops down and picks the frog up, which ribbits going over the hole. The ball falls out of the frog's mouth into the hole. Moses looks at Jesus and says
"I hate playing golf with your dad."
Then there's another good one.
Three hunters in a bar. They make a bet to see who can bring in the biggest prize. So the first goes out and comes back with a moutain goat. The others go "Whoa, howdja find that?" and he says "I followed some goat tracks, and I found a goat!" So the second one goes out and comes back with a moose. The others go "Whoa, howdja get that?" and he says "I followed some moose tracks and I found a moose!" The third guy goes out and comes back covered in blood and bruises and sporting at least a dozen broken bones. One arm's fallen off. The others go "Whoa, what happened to you?" and he says "Well, I followed some train tracks, and I found a train!"
Also,
Three guys jumping off a building onto a mat below. The first two land, but the third doesn't land beside them. So they wait an hour. Another hour. Another five hours and finally the third guy lands beside them. The others go "What took you so long?" and he says "I had to stop and ask directions on the way down."
This one's from my band teacher last year...
Four guys on an airplane about to make a crash landing, a dad, his kid, a priest and a scientist. There are only three parachutes on board. The priest goes "The world needs me to preach to them and bless them" and jumps out with a parachute. The scientist goes "The world needs me and my brains" and jumps out with another pack. The father says to the son "Son, you go. You have more time left than I do, start a family when you're older and continue our family name". Then the kid goes "It's okay daddy, we can both go. See, two parachutes. The smart man took my backpack!"
The final two are related...
What's black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white?
What's black and white and laughing?
Modern:
GRB Jund BRG
RBU Grixis Delver UBR
Legacy:
W Death & Taxes W
GRB Punishing Jund BRG
GUR Canadian Threshold RUG
Commander:
RUG Maelstrom Wanderer GUR
You couldn't be more wrong. I don't know where you get your sick humor from... Do you really think it's tasteful/funny?
KrackShott's jokes are classics. One of them reminded me of another children's classic:
"Whoa! You're so lucky! Where did you get all that succulent blood?"
The other one says,
"Well, do you see that pole over there?"
"Yeah."
"Well, I didn't"
I like 4/4s for 7.