Quirkiness - You're overthinking this. Thinking about what is to come in a relationship is going to ruin what you already have.
Enjoy what you have, and try to take things as they come. Becoming neurotic about it is only going to strain the relationship and any potential future friendship. It's really important that you don't confuse what you think should happen with what actually has to happen. I'm actually sad for you guys that you didn't get more time together because of the artificial constraints you put on the potential relationship. It sounds like you really care about her, and the reality is that you'll regret what you didn't do more than what you did.
You should definitely talk to your girlfriend about these concerns, see what she says. Don't discount a long-distance relationship, my wife and I spent a total off three of the twelve years we've been together across the country from one another. It's never fun, but if she's as great as you think she is, she'd be worth it. Skype and Facetime have made the distance a lot less of a problem in recent years, too. We just kept a Skype call open so we could talk whenever. It would have been the worst mistake of my life if we didn't even try when she moved away, and a lot of couples break-up because it's what they believe has to happen instead of just following how they feel.
I'm not saying follow her across the country blindly. I'm saying give your relationship a chance, because breaking up in your head now to save yourself pain later never works, you're still hurt later and you've ruined the time you'd have together now. There is no timeframe on when the break-up/marriage has to happen. My wife and I dated for nine years before we got married. It worked because we loved one another, and while the distance, lack of money or inability to move forward with marriage was rough, it was ultimately worth it because I didn't break up with my best friend just because things got hard. This was also the third time my wife and I dated - a break-up doesn't have to be the end forever, sometimes it just means that one or both of you needs time to mature before trying again.
If neither of you think you're ready for a long distance relationship, talk about it. If the answer is 'I need someone nearby', 'it's too much work' or 'I don't think I could stay faithful', that's one thing. If the answer boils down to 'I'll miss you too much and I think it'll just be painful', that's a very different thing.
Thanks. This is very reassuring. I think the part that makes this hardest at the moment is that I don't really know much about relationships and how they work, so I don't know when the right time to raise concerns are and when to just let things go. You suggested bringing up my concerns, is there a good time to do this sort of thing? Is this many months out too early? I don't want to create a problem if there isn't one.
I think my sense of caution works against me in these cases
I'm actually going to go against the grain of what Jay and Sunforged are saying and say don't bring it up with her, at least not until you've worked it out with yourself a little more.
I think that imposing the need to see the entire future through before you can accept the present is a really extreme position. It's too cautious an approach.
Focus more on the present-about how you can make what you have with her great. Live in the moment, but be mindful of the future.
I think at this time, you're more the opposite. You live in the future, and are merely mindful of the moment. When you're thinking about breaking up with her in anticipation that it might end up being long distance, it means your decision making of today is based in the future. The fact that you are in a relationship with her now is not that consequential, something you are merely mindful of.
The reason my advice is don't bring it up with her just yet, is because I think you should give yourself some time to evaluate how you evaluate things. Take some time and introspect if being so cautious is prudent.
The problem with an overly cautious mindset is that the overly cautious tend to overweigh what they could lose, and not value sufficiently what they could gain.
That's the approach I took in my 20s, and it's honestly one of my biggest regrets now in my 30s. I didn't lose much in my 20s. But in all honesty, I didn't have much to lose in my 20s. Now I feel like I have "lost out" in the sense that I didn't gain enough. I know we're moving past the relationship dimension of the advice, but you've mentioned several times now your cautious nature.
Of course if it remains a concern of yours in your relationship bring it up with her. Talk things through. But give yourself some time to stew on your own mental framework.
Just go with the flow. I'm assuming since you are both undergrad seniors you are 22-23ish.
There are good reasons to break up of course. But I don't think that being unable to see the road all the way until marriage is a good filter to impose on opportunities in front of you.
You say you have never been in a relationship more than a week? That's all the more reason to go with the flow for now and use it as an opportunity to grow emotionally. Learn about yourself and how you are in a relationship. I guarantee you will end up surprising yourself.
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I'm actually going to go against the grain of what Jay and Sunforged are saying and say don't bring it up with her, at least not until you've worked it out with yourself a little more.
I think that imposing the need to see the entire future through before you can accept the present is a really extreme position. It's too cautious an approach.
Focus more on the present-about how you can make what you have with her great. Live in the moment, but be mindful of the future.
I think at this time, you're more the opposite. You live in the future, and are merely mindful of the moment. When you're thinking about breaking up with her in anticipation that it might end up being long distance, it means your decision making of today is based in the future. The fact that you are in a relationship with her now is not that consequential, something you are merely mindful of.
The reason my advice is don't bring it up with her just yet, is because I think you should give yourself some time to evaluate how you evaluate things. Take some time and introspect if being so cautious is prudent.
The problem with an overly cautious mindset is that the overly cautious tend to overweigh what they could lose, and not value sufficiently what they could gain.
That's the approach I took in my 20s, and it's honestly one of my biggest regrets now in my 30s. I didn't lose much in my 20s. But in all honesty, I didn't have much to lose in my 20s. Now I feel like I have "lost out" in the sense that I didn't gain enough. I know we're moving past the relationship dimension of the advice, but you've mentioned several times now your cautious nature.
Of course if it remains a concern of yours in your relationship bring it up with her. Talk things through. But give yourself some time to stew on your own mental framework.
Just go with the flow. I'm assuming since you are both undergrad seniors you are 22-23ish.
There are good reasons to break up of course. But I don't think that being unable to see the road all the way until marriage is a good filter to impose on opportunities in front of you.
You say you have never been in a relationship more than a week? That's all the more reason to go with the flow for now and use it as an opportunity to grow emotionally. Learn about yourself and how you are in a relationship. I guarantee you will end up surprising yourself.