I have to say, being upfront with your needs and negotiating your problems is what is going to get you some trust back. That and building your rapport and having lots more good times. You keep looking and feeling like a bad guy and you'll sit in this hole forever. Being evasive didn't work, and it still isn't working, it's time to be proactive, forward, honest. That's trust.
We talked about my needs right after everything happened. If I would have asked she would have been willing to help me (handys or whatever). And she wouldnt have a problem with it if I had to wack one out while she was out of town or something like that.
This whole thing was a result of my failure to communicate with her. I assumed that if she wasnt really able to have sex that she wouldnt want to constantly be pleasuring me. I also didnt want to come off like I was giving some kind of ultimatum... so I just dealt with it myself behind her back. If I went back to the day before she caught me and talked to her everything would have been fine.
In general this thread has been a huge failure. I thank those that have PM'd me advice, but man in the thread you guys just missed the whole point. I was asking about rebuilding trust not for your views on how much porn is ok to watch.
Whether you agree with it or not, in our relationship, I basically cheated on my wife. I am also lucky enough that she is willing to work through the problem. I was just hoping to get some tips on how to rebuild trust with my wife not declarations about how my wife is somehow controlling me.
Okay, I don't care if you want to argue your point, but drop the whole "everyone does it, if they say otherwise they are lying."
That's false. Get over it, not everyone is like you.
Secondly, if you think it's okay to fantasize about other women and objectify them, go ahead. If your wife doesn't care, that's kind of weird, but more power to you. But when my fiancé of the OPs wife cares, why would you say "it's not our job to care about their insecurities"? Sounds well, kind of heartless.
Thank you iCwalzy. I really dont care about the porn. I have no problem giving that up which is why I suggested that she put controls on my laptop. My problem was that I didnt talk to her and find out she didnt approve of porn. I just assumed that it wouldnt be a huge deal but did not want to have an "awkward" conversation. It blew up in my face and if I would have talked to her about it I probably could have replaced most if not all of my masturbation with her doing stuff for me. I assumed that she would be hurt by me saying I needed her more often than she could physically perform... instead I hurt her by breaking our trust. My marriage is way more valuable to me than seeing some random chick get nailed while I rub one out.
When you said that you were using one of those cam sites, was it interactive? If so, then yeah, you were having cybersex. That's not the same as watching porn and your wife would have a right to be upset.
The site can be interactive but you can also just watch for free... I was doing the for free.
We talked again last night. The thing that hurts her so much is that she was home while I was looking. I didnt even see if she would be interested(I just assumed she wouldnt). That makes her feel like I would rather just watch porn than do things with her.
My big failing here is not the porn or masturbation it's that I didnt feel comfortable talking to my wife about my needs and what ways she would be comfortable with for me to deal with those needs. I was lying to her for a long time and that hurts her.
The current plan is to leave the parental controls as is for now so that I can prove to her that I dont NEED porn. I want to prove to her that now knowing how she feels about it I can easily quit.
We did talk about it quite a bit. I think the biggest problem for her was porn videos and me hiding it. She made reference that she might have been ok with just pictures. But when she caught me I was viewing one of those cam sites... which she viewed as a mild form of cheating.
It also seems that she just wishes I would have told her. I explain that I didnt talk to her because I thought it would be awkward. She wishes I would have asked what she was ok with me doing to get that release and it sounds a lot like she would have been willing to help me out instead of me sneaking around to do things privately.
So now the issue is that I have to somehow prove to her that I am trustworthy and rebuild that trust so she knows I wont just go do something else behind her back again.
Hello everyone. I am a frequent poster but being that this is a personal matter I didnt feel comfortable posting with my other account.
I got married less than a year ago. My wife has been having issues which have lead to a less frequent sex life than I would like. Because of this I masturbated a lot and viewed porn. During the weekend my wife caught me.
It killed her to know that I was sneaking around hiding stuff from her. She also has some body image issues and it really hurt her to think that I wish she looked like a model.
I almost lost her over something so stupid... I feel horrible. I am also afraid I may be addicted to masturbation. I quickly reverted back to teenager levels of daily... I admitted everything to her and we talked a lot. I had her install parental controls on my computer so I couldnt view porn anymore. We are also trying to minimize my alone time...
I broke her trust and it kills me to know how bad I hurt her.
Does anyone here have any advice on how to rebuild that trust?
We talked about my needs right after everything happened. If I would have asked she would have been willing to help me (handys or whatever). And she wouldnt have a problem with it if I had to wack one out while she was out of town or something like that.
This whole thing was a result of my failure to communicate with her. I assumed that if she wasnt really able to have sex that she wouldnt want to constantly be pleasuring me. I also didnt want to come off like I was giving some kind of ultimatum... so I just dealt with it myself behind her back. If I went back to the day before she caught me and talked to her everything would have been fine.
Nope... nice try though.
In general this thread has been a huge failure. I thank those that have PM'd me advice, but man in the thread you guys just missed the whole point. I was asking about rebuilding trust not for your views on how much porn is ok to watch.
Whether you agree with it or not, in our relationship, I basically cheated on my wife. I am also lucky enough that she is willing to work through the problem. I was just hoping to get some tips on how to rebuild trust with my wife not declarations about how my wife is somehow controlling me.
Thank you iCwalzy. I really dont care about the porn. I have no problem giving that up which is why I suggested that she put controls on my laptop. My problem was that I didnt talk to her and find out she didnt approve of porn. I just assumed that it wouldnt be a huge deal but did not want to have an "awkward" conversation. It blew up in my face and if I would have talked to her about it I probably could have replaced most if not all of my masturbation with her doing stuff for me. I assumed that she would be hurt by me saying I needed her more often than she could physically perform... instead I hurt her by breaking our trust. My marriage is way more valuable to me than seeing some random chick get nailed while I rub one out.
The site can be interactive but you can also just watch for free... I was doing the for free.
We talked again last night. The thing that hurts her so much is that she was home while I was looking. I didnt even see if she would be interested(I just assumed she wouldnt). That makes her feel like I would rather just watch porn than do things with her.
My big failing here is not the porn or masturbation it's that I didnt feel comfortable talking to my wife about my needs and what ways she would be comfortable with for me to deal with those needs. I was lying to her for a long time and that hurts her.
The current plan is to leave the parental controls as is for now so that I can prove to her that I dont NEED porn. I want to prove to her that now knowing how she feels about it I can easily quit.
It also seems that she just wishes I would have told her. I explain that I didnt talk to her because I thought it would be awkward. She wishes I would have asked what she was ok with me doing to get that release and it sounds a lot like she would have been willing to help me out instead of me sneaking around to do things privately.
So now the issue is that I have to somehow prove to her that I am trustworthy and rebuild that trust so she knows I wont just go do something else behind her back again.
I got married less than a year ago. My wife has been having issues which have lead to a less frequent sex life than I would like. Because of this I masturbated a lot and viewed porn. During the weekend my wife caught me.
It killed her to know that I was sneaking around hiding stuff from her. She also has some body image issues and it really hurt her to think that I wish she looked like a model.
I almost lost her over something so stupid... I feel horrible. I am also afraid I may be addicted to masturbation. I quickly reverted back to teenager levels of daily... I admitted everything to her and we talked a lot. I had her install parental controls on my computer so I couldnt view porn anymore. We are also trying to minimize my alone time...
I broke her trust and it kills me to know how bad I hurt her.
Does anyone here have any advice on how to rebuild that trust?