OH my, this conversation is going at an absolutely blistering pace.
On topic: I feel like your first chapter is more an amalgam of ideas and themes you would like to have represented throughout your story rather than the actual meat (or body of work). It's obvious you have a clear idea of what you generally want the world to be like physically and culturally, but anecdotal evidence over just telling your reader what the world is like might be more effective in portraying these elements.
You might consider not revealing your main-character's differences right away as the narrator in the third person, but through her interactions with other characters. You might be able to set us up for a surprise that sets the tone of the other characters' attitude towards your main character for the rest of the story. This element will obviously be an integral part of your main character's motivation, so it should be played with and expounded upon.
I would suggest taking some of your more general, world-oriented elements and expanding them into a first chapter and also introduce your main character without just feeding us information about either. You have to put the information into the story, if you catch my drift.
I do see what you mean, though I guess it's part of my writing style. I should mention that there is a prolouge that explains more about the plane itself if you want me to put that up.
I can't do any edits for until I get to the computer though(on ipod right now)
While I don't know enough Theros fluff to make a 100% accurate critique, I will say that it was a surprisenly good read. It's something that tells some good bits of Theros that make sense even if the reader didn't have prior knowledge of it.
Just wish I had more to say really.
Btw, would you mind reading my bit of story when you can?
Coria was sitting on her bed in her room, which had carved stone walls and floor, a small rug on the floor and a wood desk next to her bed that had pictures of Coria with her father at various stages in her life. She was a bit glum as not only was there a plane wide war going on, she also felt completely useless to do anything. Coria was definatly different from the others in terms of species, which sometimes made her feel like an outcast. She also still wondered why her her foster dad even adopted her in the first place.
Coria was not like the others, with her red skin, peach muzzle, and no fur. She had dark red hair and also had short, quill-like spikes coming down from the top of her head, and a short tail that tapered at the end. Coria often wore a tan-ish midrif shirt with medium length sleeves and also tan-ish long pants. She also often wears a dark grey beenie like hat she found outside of the wolf realm. Coria was 16 years old but wondered if she was just basically eye candy to everyone else.
Coria's father happened to be Triel ,the leader of the wolves whom, like her and most every other sentinent being, could walk and talk like humans.The wolves often were pretty big by Coria's standards and as such she often is careful not to provoke any of them in any way.
Triel, although mean, rough, and tough, had a soft spot for Coria and was often protective of her. He also enjoyed her music, which Coria was quite good at but often downplayed it. She one day discovered her ability to basically summon a guitar like instrument out of thin air. While she never could quite explain how or why, she found that she could play it rather well and often played serinating music, though the some of the other wolves wern't so fond of it.
Coria often wondered when she'd get her chance to really prove herself to everyone that she wasn't some defenseless girl. Coria wanted to train herself in the art of combat but the other wolves wouldn't allow her. Feeling left out and excluded, she longed for more. She longed to make her father proud but outside of actual battle, she wasn't sure if anything would.
Well, I should also warn that each "book" is damn long, except for book 3. Though there is technically a book 6 but that's an in-between-qual that takes place between book 2 and 3.
Ok, I'm not sure what you're asking? If you want advice on writing, the personal writing forum is probably far better. And you shouldn't take things personally, the first things one writes do suck. Hard. Looking back at some of my first writing it is truly HORRIBLE. If someone criticizes you, try to find something constructive in what they are saying. If they really have nothing constructive to say ("THIS SUCKS SO HARD" and nothing more, for example), then ignore them. See it as spam, and not something directed at you. It's really sort of impossible that they mean it personally since they don't know you personally. But it's true, some people are pretty harsh since they don't see a person, just a picture and a username.
Well, actually, the story is dirt old. Was first made before INN was revealed. Did have to almost completely re-write it though, at about either just as RTR was heard of or Gatecrash, one of those 2. Also, I've gotten a lot of critique before that was basically the guy being a total ass and pretty much saying "If you can't make it good, then leave and never come back".
Normally, if it's a wannabe bigshot, then it can be dealt with. It's when it's someone whom a lot of people follow and worship that it then feels like a death threat...
Anyways, I'll go post book 1 of it(Timeline wise, there's currently 5 books worth) tomorrow most likely.
I found the personal writing section here and I'm tempted to post my custom plane story there.
Problem is, I'm kind of terrified. Last time I did something like that somewhere else I got way too many bad critiques(Why the hell is it like that, that sounds stupid, it won't work with the multiverse rules, just to name a few).
I rather not have a repeat of that so being hesitant right now.
Truthfully, though not posted here, I'm the first to find that combo(well, maybe).
However, I could never decide on the formatting for the deck so I give you props for finding a possible answer for that.
I do see what you mean, though I guess it's part of my writing style. I should mention that there is a prolouge that explains more about the plane itself if you want me to put that up.
I can't do any edits for until I get to the computer though(on ipod right now)
Let me explain then:
It's so I can make any nessesary adjustments in terms of info and structure for the current and future chapters.
While I don't know enough Theros fluff to make a 100% accurate critique, I will say that it was a surprisenly good read. It's something that tells some good bits of Theros that make sense even if the reader didn't have prior knowledge of it.
Just wish I had more to say really.
Btw, would you mind reading my bit of story when you can?
Come on, please at least look at the story I posted...
I mean, why say post a story when you won't even look at it...
I guess, but I can't exactly continue until soneone does comment on the story...
http://forums.mtgsalvation.com/showthread.php?t=550992
Coria was sitting on her bed in her room, which had carved stone walls and floor, a small rug on the floor and a wood desk next to her bed that had pictures of Coria with her father at various stages in her life. She was a bit glum as not only was there a plane wide war going on, she also felt completely useless to do anything. Coria was definatly different from the others in terms of species, which sometimes made her feel like an outcast. She also still wondered why her her foster dad even adopted her in the first place.
Coria was not like the others, with her red skin, peach muzzle, and no fur. She had dark red hair and also had short, quill-like spikes coming down from the top of her head, and a short tail that tapered at the end. Coria often wore a tan-ish midrif shirt with medium length sleeves and also tan-ish long pants. She also often wears a dark grey beenie like hat she found outside of the wolf realm. Coria was 16 years old but wondered if she was just basically eye candy to everyone else.
Coria's father happened to be Triel ,the leader of the wolves whom, like her and most every other sentinent being, could walk and talk like humans.The wolves often were pretty big by Coria's standards and as such she often is careful not to provoke any of them in any way.
Triel, although mean, rough, and tough, had a soft spot for Coria and was often protective of her. He also enjoyed her music, which Coria was quite good at but often downplayed it. She one day discovered her ability to basically summon a guitar like instrument out of thin air. While she never could quite explain how or why, she found that she could play it rather well and often played serinating music, though the some of the other wolves wern't so fond of it.
Coria often wondered when she'd get her chance to really prove herself to everyone that she wasn't some defenseless girl. Coria wanted to train herself in the art of combat but the other wolves wouldn't allow her. Feeling left out and excluded, she longed for more. She longed to make her father proud but outside of actual battle, she wasn't sure if anything would.
Well, that's chapter one. Hopefully there's enough info.
Well, actually, the story is dirt old. Was first made before INN was revealed. Did have to almost completely re-write it though, at about either just as RTR was heard of or Gatecrash, one of those 2. Also, I've gotten a lot of critique before that was basically the guy being a total ass and pretty much saying "If you can't make it good, then leave and never come back".
Normally, if it's a wannabe bigshot, then it can be dealt with. It's when it's someone whom a lot of people follow and worship that it then feels like a death threat...
Anyways, I'll go post book 1 of it(Timeline wise, there's currently 5 books worth) tomorrow most likely.
Problem is, I'm kind of terrified. Last time I did something like that somewhere else I got way too many bad critiques(Why the hell is it like that, that sounds stupid, it won't work with the multiverse rules, just to name a few).
I rather not have a repeat of that so being hesitant right now.
However, I could never decide on the formatting for the deck so I give you props for finding a possible answer for that.
Oops, that wasn't supposed to happen, lol.