MTG Salvation

It seems I've never actually posted in these here blogs about anything magic related really. I always figured, what with having an entire friggin forum dedicated to that topic, that I could save this lil space for sharing with you guys my various hallucinations and nightmares. Rather than just filling this place up with more of the same crap you could find on the rest of the forums anyway.

So that being said, I have an important question for all you Magic: The Gathering players.

What is that stuff on you peoples hands that leaves black crap all over your card sleeves? And did you ever notice that it tends to be more prominent with bad players or players with a crappy collection?

What is it? Is it the visual representation of failure? Tiny black gooey dots of loss, collecting on the edges of your sticky,warped card sleeves? When your poor, does your sweat turn black and thick or something?

I mean, sure. I'd be lying if I said I "never" got a lil scum here and there on my cards. But were talking after like months of heavy play and just a few lil spots here and there.

I've seen some of these kids turn fresh out of the pack yellow sleeves into what looks like discarded browned banana peels after one FNM.

What the hell is that?! Do you people EVER wash your hands? Like even once a week? I could understand skipping a hand washing if it was just number 1, but that better not be literal **** you're handing me when you ask me to help you with your deck.

Even just like spit on your palm and wipe it on that clever lil family guy t-shirt you got there or something. At least make some effort to not cover me in your feces.

So MTGS community, before this blog gets drowned in a sea of crappy "pet decks". Tell me about your experience with filth.

Today I found a kick-ass knife in the park and won a free taco.

Is that not the very definition of the american dream?

Cool idea for an image I just had.

There's a bowl full of tiny human heads. They're roughly the size of lemons, but are otherwise identical to your average human head and made of the same human skin you or I might have, with eyes, nose hair and teeth. At this moment their eyes and mouth are closed tightly.

You see a hand grab one of the tiny heads and strike the head against the side of an empty bowl, a crack is heard and we see the head's mouth and eyes open at once in what some might refer to as "fear", but this isn't necessarily fear, it's arguable whether or not these heads even still have emotion at this point.

The hands gently pull apart the skull from the crack that has formed in the back and we see the eyes sink back into the socket and eventually pour out the back of the cracked skull amongst brain and various other red fluids.

The empty "head shell" is disposed of in a bag and this repeats.

Believe it or not, I'm just now watching Star Wars: A New Hope for the first time in my life.

Did you ever notice quite how many Family Guy references are in this movie?

You know Mel Gibson, the "I'll put you in a ******* rose garden you ****" guy?

Did you guys know that guy use to be in movies? How weird is that?!

Idea For a New Magic Card!!

FART ELEMENTAL

I'm calling up Maro now.....

A mother walks into her sons room and the scene begins.

Mother sounds somewhat like Edith Bunker. Son sounds like cool devil may care stoned teenager.

Act 1: The Discovery

Mother: Oh my lord....what is that smell? You....you haven't been keeping your cool have you?

Son (wearing sunglasses and a popped collar): What do you mean "haven't been keeping my cool"? I'm always on top of my game!

Mother: You know exactly what I mean! You're keeping your cool in bags under the bed aren't you!

Act 2: The Revealing (A.k.A The Discovery)

Son: Why don't you just leave me alone mom!

The mother now somewhat entirely enraged, races to her sons bed and peeks under it only to find dozens upon dozens of bags filled to the top with cool

Mother: What's wrong with you?!?! I understand as a teenager that you need to keep your cool. But in bags!?? Bags under you bed mind you!

Mother: There's nothing sanitary about this! For god's sake this is the sort of thing serial killers do!

The son jumps out of bed and gives his mother a clean uppercut to the jaw, knocking her unconscious.

Son: WHAT WOULD YOU KNOW ABOUT GOD, MOTHER!!

THE END

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! Gorge yourself in morbid tribute to those that were slaughtered. Pretend the meat you eat is their very own flesh. SNARL AS YOU BITE DOWN, EYES GLUED TO THE GAME.

And if you're gonna drive drunk, at least make yourself throw up a little before you get behind the wheel. It sorta clears your head a bit.

And don't worry about doing that in the bathroom, you can just go ahead and let it fly in the yard as you stumble towards the car.

The pilgrims would have wanted it that way.

In other news:

A man referring to himself, only as "The King Of All Farts" was arrested today for doing irreparable damage to the wind.

I was taking a shower with a friend of mine early this evening and we were discussing how most boy bands or really pop bands in general usually have a kind of uniform, some kind of style or outfit that ties them all together as a band.

We thought to ourselves, how wonderful it would be if there was a boy band of 3 identical triplets all called John. They would each have matching hair styles and outfits so that they were nothing short of clones of eachother.

They would be called the Johns and each of them will be playing drums.

"Mom, there's Chocolate coming out the dog!!!!"
-Emily Hutterson 2004-2009

Don't let your child fall victim to feces. Every year over 3 children die of fecal consumption due to parents not educating their child about the dangers of feces.

Tell your child now about the vague difference between chocolate and dog feces. Show your child your own feces. Show your child the dog's feces. Show your child chocolate. Let THEM know the difference.

This has been a holiday reminder from OPERATION:BROWN OUT

-----------------------------------------------

Current Mood: Heartburnt And Retoxicated

Current Music: Alestorm - Captain Morgan's Revenge

I know many of you here are gamers! And boy do I have some revolutionary news for you guys! Something that will make the "pause" button a thing of the past.

Imagine a world where the gaming never stopped. Where there'd never be that:

"Ugh, I gotta scratch my nose but I don't wanna break my 4x Streak on Through The Fire And The Flames"

or "Damn dude, I don't wanna quit this raid, but I need a drink like a bastard!!!"

Gentleman, I bring you....GAMER SLOP!!!!!

Gamer Slop is an intense fusion of crushed up Dorito paste, Pocky Flakes, and Minced Taquito Mash all brought together in a sweet soup of Red Bull and Dr. Pepper. Fortified with BHT, Guarana and Aspartame.

And here's where the magic begins. Gamer Slop is contained in an easy fit feeding bag that fits comfortably around the back of your skull and rest right in front of your mouth, WHERE IT BELONGS!!!

And for you Madden fans, "GAMER SLOP WITH BEER" The great taste and convenience of regular Gamer Slop, infused with the smooth flavour of Sam Adams' Boston Lager.

Vomit the night away as you score touchdown after touchdown, unhindered by having to grab that next beer or reach for the bag of chips. Gamer Slop With Beer brings the party to you!

And I know what you're all thinking. And I have 2 words for you:

Gamer Diapers

So Eat, Drink, Evacuate, Sleep and wake up to consume more. This is what America is about.

GOD BLESS

Manowar kicks ass. I've known this for like two decades now and no one believes me. Seriously though, I say this with no sarcasm. I own every album and know all the lyrics, Manowar is friggin badass and none of you wanna admit it.......

Currently Drinking: Everything

Current Music: Manowar - Hail And Kill

Our dish soap smells really awful, I hate actually getting it on my hands when I'm forced to do mundane slave labour like dish washery. I always felt odd having to use other soap to wash the smell of that soap off my hand afterwords. It's sort of like those times when your really drunk and throw up on yourself and you end up having to take off your shirt, lie on your back and piss all over yourself to wash it off. I mean it just seems silly, right?

I get the feeling people aren't relating to my relation humour there...Isn't that what people find funny? Like when some king O'comedy comes out and says crap like "Yo, ya'll have a microwave....that thing gotsa lotta buttons yo, ya'll know its gotta lotta buttons! Muh wife dun be cookin in it, and she be like, damn look at all these buttons, but I confused yo, cause women ain't be makin no sense, right?"

What sort of synapse in the brain reacts to that? Why do people applaud like trained seals when any other person in the world, simply talks about something that they themselves have experienced? Why not take this time to laugh it up america, I ate most of what was left of my cousin after the accident as well.

*Throws you a fish

---------------------------------------------------------------

Current Mood: Moist

Current Music: Shoplifters Of The World Unite

How wild would that be, if your own skin, the one that you so casually wear around your body 24/7 became fried. Fried and breaded the same way you see the skin on those poor lil KFC chickens that get their beaks cut off and are living in cages amongst their own feces tied together by the neck to dozens of other poor helpless chickens.

But regardless of that. For real, like imagine your skin was just "Fried". Like it was just crunchy and golden brown. When you smile, you could hear your skin flaking off in tiny greasy chunks. But if you claw off your skin, it would just grow back fried like it was. And this was your whole body. Totally fried skin.

It's these thoughts that keep me up at night and make me think "Maybe I should just slit my own throat with the electric can opener in the kitchen".

Life's pretty cheap for their type....

-------------------------------------------------------

Current Music: I see, feel, and hear nothing

Current Mood: I see, feel and hear nothing

I hold a special place in my hearts for theses limbless bird-like creatures that suddenly came into my world. I saw them recently at a book signing. I was waiting in line, looking forward to getting my copy of "How I Transformed Into A Dustmite, In 14 Sod-Covered Minutes" signed, when from almost out of nowhere these creatures came out from the crowd screaming like a rape victim with a bullhorn. They had thick masculine humanoid legs, which led into the head of a crow, except larger. Their eyes were sunken deep into their skulls, but could be made out by the their pale yellow glow. With each scream that echoed through the room, a viscous white fluid came from the birds mouths. It flew out in strands, spraying everywhere. There wasn't a soul alive or dead that day that didn't find their hair and clothes matted down to their skin by the cruel sperm-laden acts of the birdmen. However, I couldn't help but smile. When your sitting in a large group of complete strangers, surrounded by vile half-man/half-bird demons, liberally drenched in their sexual release. I think it's best to sit back and really smile at how unique that situation really is, I mean how many other people could say they were around for that? And its for those moments that I breathe.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Current Mood: Throbbing

Current Music: Angel Corpse - Christhammer