You know, it isn't uncommon for me to be mistaken for the grand and mighty Janice Dickenson, but I assure you, I'm still human.
A helpful tip for a youthful appearance is to live in constant, dire fear. Every morning, as part of my beauty ritual, I read the last few chapters of the Bible, and it keeps my face at a flawless, perpetual 17, I tell you it's an absolute charm.
If I find myself sagging come afternoon, I give myself a quick shock by picking up a newspaper and trying to learn things. I have no idea what global warming is, but I have to commend my local news media for concocting such a terrifically eerie tale of dread and doom!
Well, I have to go to bed now. Tomorrow I am going out to the park. I'm trying to teach my pet lobster how to fetch, and can I just tell you, it's NOT going well. Damned irresponsible lunch! When mommy tells you to go get her shoe, you had damned well better go and get it!
I just want to tell you all, this title makes my entry a REAL classic. If I weren't so sure Andrew Lloyd Webber is just a fantasy illusion born from equal parts gay propaganda and Sarah Brightman's Satanic heritage, I would marry him, I absolutely would.
I'm sorry I've been neglectful of you all, I've been playing a fantastic video game that allows one to emulate the vivid experiences of being financially destitute- Harvest Moon. It's really quite top drawer, but I haven't quite figured out how I can destroy society in the town in order to scorn them for under pricing my efforts in growing potatoes... perhaps a Game Genie code that lets me marry my cow, or perhaps even another man? Hmmm, yes, deviance.
Speaking of neglect and country charm, what do we all think of what has happened to Brinney Spears? I'm absolutely shocked at the lack of priorities in our legal system- they take away her children but they've yet to court order that someone staple a pair of Hanes Her Way onto her service entrance? I'm sorry if I seem insensitive, but I'm just weary of not being able to flip through an issue of US Weekly without having nightmares about corned beef. I simply can't afford to be losing sleep now that my body has developed a resistance to Valium, I simply CAN'T.
A good gay man is nothing without a woman, just so you all know, and tomorrow I'm going to go set that in stone at a fabulous brunch with some of my dearest friends. I enjoy spending time with my girlfriends because nothing makes me look more appealing than being surrounded by insecure fatties.
Well, I'm off to prepare a simply delicious porterhouse steak, and then throw it in the garbage and spend the rest of the evening sucking the drippings from the pan while watching my special edition digital video disc of the classic film Beaches with Beck Midler and Barbararabara Hershey. Nothing makes me want to nest more than hot grease, terminal illness, and a rousing song about underwear, let me just tell you!
Well, I'm back from the spa, but while I was there, I made sure to keep a very thorough diary-
9/25/07
Why hello, everyone!
Everyone who knows me knows I love nothing better than a Frenchman in heavy makeup, so you can imagine just how devastated I was to learn that Marcel Marceau had passed recently. I first heard the news while I was out lunching with my dear friend Delta Burke- although to call it a lunch would be a stretching the truth like a pair of her old leggings. Now that she's gotten the stapling, all she does is peck at a handful of lightly seasoned bird seed and make some strange cooing noises while I attempt to make conversation. If I didn't know better, I could swear she wasn't Delta at all, but rather a flock of pidgeons!
Mmmm, pidgeons. I don't mind telling you, I love eating ham, and I don't care what my rabbi says. I like a meat that tastes like salt.
Well, my first day of beauty is going quite well. The spa administrator told me they just started offering a new service called ostial loosening. Well, I wasn't aware my bones had gotten so tight, so you can imagine how embarassed I was! I signed up for that treatment first of all, let me just tell you. It was quite exquisite. First they wrap you up in towels and then they toss you up against a wall while a Malaysian woman screams some nonsense while she beats a drum. I'm not sure WHAT the hell it did for me, but it certainly FELT trendy, so I was happy to have it. Afterward, I treated myself to a nice massage. I don't mind telling you, I was feeling frisky, and I may have made a pass at my masseur, which caused him to get quite rough with me and made him threaten to beat me to a pulp. I wasn't too worried, however, because I enjoy being hit.
Well, later tonight I'm scheduled for a new treatment that is supposed to shave years off my appearance. I am not sure what it entails just yet, but if it doesn't involve stem cells or harming an endangered animal, I'm going to file a complaint!
9/26/07
Mmmm, well, things are going swimmingly at the Boca de Cerdo Day Spa and Dry Cleaners. I'm meeting all sorts of fabulous people here. Just yesterday, I got a colonic done with none other than Kathy Bates! She was there in cognito, of course, which is something I intend to do then next time I decide to come here- and I WILL be returning, provided the management doesn't sue me for damages once they see the horrible stains I left in the suite. I tried to warn them; fruit salad leads to disaster! Its like I keep telling my dietician, if it isn't Pfizer, Smirnoff, or M&M Mars, it doesn't belong in my body.
Oh, I thought you should all know, when I come home, the first thing I will be doing is calling up doctor and scheduling some work. I think I'm going to get cat eyes, because its come to my attention that small children are no longer instinctively afraid of me.
Being here at the spa has given me a lot of time to think. I think I need more friends who can't get over themselves, because I've never been a role model. Sometimes, my right foot swells up like a summer squash, and when you press it, you can see your thumbprint for nearly 20 minutes! Makes me want to slather some jam in there and serve it like a cookie, it really does. Well, I don't have much more time to write, I'm afraid, because I need to run down to the local liquor store and break a hundred dollar bill. I saw a vending machine that sells prepackaged snack cakes, and you know how I love to gnaw a sponge!
9/27/07
I think I just have to let you all know, I've temporarily gone blind. Just a word of advice, just because you drop an olive in a bottle of tub and tile cleaner doesn't make it a cocktail, now does it? You may be wondering how this all came to happen, especially since I'm away on spa.
Well, as it turns out, I had neglected to pay last month's credit card bill because I needed the money to pay off my Avon lady- just as a secondary word of advice, don't assume that because a woman teaches the Sunday School at the First Methodist that she won't go through with a threat to break your kneecaps, mmmm, no. So, as you can see, I had some momentary money problems, and it ends up my card was denied when it came time to settle my bill at the old Boca de Cerdo... so instead of being carted off to some filthy prison, I agreed to pull a couple of shifts on housekeeping. I can just tell you, I haven't worked so hard since I agreed to help Elizabeth Hasselback learn to live with lesbians! My breasts are practically calloused over from all this blue collar labor!
But it hasn't been without its perks, as my stint down in laundry has left me with a few new additions to my celebrity underwear collection- so everyone say hello to Lou Diamond Phillips and Sandra Oh! Mmmm, yes, stealing. Well, my supervisor, Guadalupe, is insisting I stop dilly-dallying and get back to work, or she'll put her cigarette out on me. Between my cold sores and the stings I received from that pack of scorpions I ran across after I tried to dodge my bill by running through the desert, I simply can't risk another blemish, so I'm off for now! I'll be seeing you all soon, and let me just tell you, when you do see me, I'll be STUNNING.
Well, I've not been having a very good day. First thing this morning, I ended up becoming positively embroiled in an altercation with my hairdresser, Conair, and then when I was in the shower, I accidentally tore up my vinyl shower-floor daisies with my enormous toenails.
So, I've decided it would be in my best interest as someone who hopes to someday be the first cabaret performer slash Supreme Court justice to treat myself to a week of beauty and possibly have a little surgery- nothing cosmetic, apparently my appendix burst and Doctor tells me it simply HAS to come out. He is starting to sound more and more like that girl I dated my freshman year of high school, let me tell you.
I'm going to be gone until this Thursday, but I want you to know I will miss you all dearly. If I could, I would shove you all down my Donna Karen knock-off original blouse and pretend you were boobies so you could be with me always!
Incidentally, if one of you could stop by my apartment and make sure my grandmother is fed and watered, it would be a big help for me. She may ask you to help her with her medication, but I want you to know she's lying. There never was any Vicodin.
To begin my blog, I thought I might share a little bit of information about myself.
My name is Blaine G. Woodturtle, of the East Cameron Woodturtles. I was born with a nearly flawless English accent in Cameron, Missouri, and all my friends and the family that still speak to me say I sound exactly like Minnie Driver, only without the brain damage.
I'm a fashionable young gay man, but I see myself as more of a woman because gender is oppressive. I was recently made aware of this by a particularly fabulous drag queen who I met while running from the local mobs! I work in retail, but I hope to be rich some day, because everyone in my family has been registered with the Republican National Party, and I don't intend to break those traditions, goodness, no!
I enjoy playing Civilization on my Dell computer and singing songs out of old church hymnals while wearing robes. I'm a big fan of all sorts of music. I love Sandy Patty and Amy Grant, but don't think I still don't like to get crunked! Oh, Heaven only knows!
I'm an avid churchgoer, or at least I was until I was kicked out for stealing out of the offering plate. I tell you, though, I honestly thought I saw a buffalo nickel in there, and you KNOW I can't resist a chance to go antiquing!
My favorite color is red. If I had to pick a celebrity I looked like, I would say... Audrey Hepburn, but before she got all wrinkly. Also, my mother thinks she's a lesbian, but she's actually just an alcoholic, and my only real fears are women in espadrilles and God.
Well, I hope you have a better picture of who I am! If you still need some help, just open the liquor cabinet and take a deep breath, and you'll start to get a good idea- and speaking of liquor, so have I! Or revwa, everyone! That is how the French say goodbye!